The Gay Icon Classics of the World (5 page)

Nevertheless, all that was three years ago, and school is just a memory. Yet Santiago keeps this cloth in his pocket and religiously transfers it from dirty pants pockets to clean with each change of clothing.

None of Santiago's classmates go any further than their little school. In this small village of just 1300, and in the neighboring villages, too, there weren't any oppurtunities for higher learning. Juan-Miguel and most of his male friends get jobs with the local factories, construction companies or on the surrounding farms. These jobs have long days, are difficult and often dangerous, but provide the only gainful employment in that area. In fact, Juan-Miguel works for a construction company which employs the majority of the men from San Blas.

Santiago gets employment as a teacher's aide for young boys and girls from the very school that forgot him. He eventually moves from his grandparents' place and gets a small one-room adobe shack that is in an alley off one of the side streets up the hill from the center of town. It is in a poor, noisy section of town but it is all he can afford with the meager wages he earns from the school. The shack has no running water or electricity. It doesn't even have a proper door, but Santiago doesn't care; it is a place he can call his own. Every evening, just before sunset and in preparation for settling in, Santiago goes down the hill to the fountain, the village well, and gets his water for his morning washing. He never goes out at night for fear of the dark streets and nighttime dangers. By candlelight he happily reads books borrowed from the school, reading until his eyelids give up; then he blows out the light and sleeps solidly until dawn.

On Fridays, most of the men from the construction site usually gather at the local bar and they stay there drinking until late at night. Then they all noisily stumble home to
their wives or families in the early hours of the morning. Some of the men even go to the local whorehouses.

On one particular Friday, Santiago goes before dark to retrieve his water for the next day's wash, as he has every other evening. Most of the villagers have left when a poor old woman, toothless and dressed in rags, approaches him. “Amigo, I am starving and too poor to buy food. I need money, just a few coins so I can eat tomorrow. Do you have any to spare?” Santiago has always had a soft heart for the poor and elderly. Santiago is still quite poor himself, but looking into her soft eyes, he blindly reaches into his pocket and gives her what little change he has. As he reaches out to give her his change, she quickly grasps his hand in hers. This aggressive action startles Santiago but he doesn't break the hold. The old woman goes into a spontaneous prayer. She murmurs, “God has come to grant you a wish but you must not be selfish, you need to share this wish so that it comes true.” When she releases her hold on him, Santiago, dumbfounded, quickly scurries off, all the while wondering how odd and perhaps a bit crazy the scene was. Even so, he doesn't regret giving her his last bit of change.

That particular Friday night, Santiago huddles close to his small reading candle on the table while shouts of laughter come from all about town. The weekend has begun, and people are out everywhere partying and having fun. By three in the morning the noise has quieted to an occasional shout, but Santiago hasn't noticed. He is so engrossed in his reading that he loses track of time. Soon, his eyes grow weary and he prepares
himself for sleep. As he empties his pockets to disrobe he soon realizes that the cloth he had kept as a token of Juan-Miguel for more than three years was missing. He cries out, “Oh, please, God, no!” But then he remembers reaching into his pocket to help the old lady by the fountain; it had probably fallen out then.

Scared and nervous, he ventures out into the dark night and makes his way back down to the fountain. Using his reading candle for light, Santiago traces along the perimeter of the well until he finds the soiled cloth that is so dear to him. As he turns, he notices a drunken man heading down the hill, stumble badly and smash his head on a low rock wall. Santiago runs to the bleeding man. In his hand are the dirty cloth and his flickering candle. He places the candle on the wall and runs back to the fountain to wash the cloth so that he can clean the gash on the man's bleeding head. Ángel de Perdido Amor silently gazes down on him.

As he wipes the blood from the man's face, he sees that it is his beloved Juan-Miguel. Juan-Miguel is practically unconscious and Santiago uses all his strength to get him on his feet. The two clumsily make it back to Santiago's place. Santiago carefully undresses Juan-Miguel and gently lowers him onto his bed. Juan-Miguel shivers with cold sweats but is attended by a loving Santiago whose whispers are too soft to be heard by the confused young man. In the dark, as Santiago's hands caress Juan-Miguel's hot skin, he responds with moans and pulls Santiago towards him. They make love until they are exhausted, finally sleeping curled up in each other's arms.

Juan-Miguel wakes to the noise of the wind blowing the flapping curtain that covers the entrance of Santiago's room. Streams of light pierce his eyes and illuminate only parts of this one-room place. He sees evidence of his dried semen next to a stranger; his clothes are scattered everywhere; his head aches from his hangover. He is at once horrified at what he has done and sick to his stomach. He gathers his belongings and quickly dresses. Before leaving he cautiously peers over at the sleeping man that had lain next to him. Santiago looks familiar, but he seems so delicate, so feeble in Juan Miguel's eyes.

In the late morning hours, Santiago wakes up alone in his flat. He wonders if the events of the previous night were just another of his many fantasies. Then he sees the bloodied cloth on the table. The truth hits him, but yet he is alone. Still sore from last night's escapade, he determines to do his morning shopping at the farmers' market and continues with his day, pretending nothing has changed.

Juan Miguel hurries back to his home in the residential hills of the village, vowing never again to come near this alley. He enters his home to the welcome sounds and smells of his mother cooking. She scolds him for his all-night partying but throws her hands up into the air as if not knowing what to do. She turns to him: “I have been talking to Dona Linda; you know her daughter is still the most beautiful girl, and would bring me a fine
grandchild,” she harps in Spanish. Then she chides him, “Go and bring her this basket of fruit that I got from the market.”

Juan Miguel respects his mother but ignores her pleas as he pushes past her on his way to the washroom. His head is still aching and he wants to wash this filth off him. Washing away the sins of what he has done the past night. He feels the wound on his head from falling last night. He ruminates over that familiar face; he thinks of the man he saw in the bed but quickly tries to forget him. He puts on a pleasant face for his mom and sister as they eat a breakfast of eggs and fruit. They cannot imagine the turmoil that is tearing his guts apart. He eats in silence.

Juan Miguel's mother is a domineering figure. Although short in stature, she wields unstoppable power over her two children. Today, she wants Juan-Miguel to go and see Dona Linda's daughter, Isabella, and bring their family fruit, do whatever repair work they need done, and to stay awhile with them. He hates the request but reluctantly obliges just to get away from his mother's relentless nagging.

Dona Linda's husband was killed doing the same type of work that Juan-Miguel does on the construction site. It is hard for a widow to raise a child alone, and Juan-Miguel feels sorry for her. They are just as poor and needy as everyone else but she has the town's most beautiful daughter, Isabella. Both mothers think it is only fitting that their
handsome celebrity children should be together, but the children have their own reasons for not desiring this marriage.

Juan-Miguel respectfully presents himself at Dona Linda's door. She acts surprised but knows it is already arranged: she even has food prepared for him. Dona Linda takes the groceries that Juan-Miguel brings from home and presents him with a list of items that need fixing around the house. Isabella is in her bedroom when she hears him arrive and she elects to stay there awhile longer. Dona Linda is angry that Isabella isn't there to greet him. Dona Linda loudly declares, “I forgot to get some meat from the butcher and I am leaving right away.” Both children know it is a lie because they are too poor to afford such a luxury as fresh meat. Juan-Miguel suppresses a smile, but Isabella, behind her bedroom door, does not.

Juan-Miguel greets Isabella as she leaves her room after hearing her mother slam the front door. They both feel awkward in each other's company. As Juan-Miguel goes about fixing things, Isabella follows him from room to room as if trying to break the ice. Finally, she says, “I have something to tell you.” she turns as if to hide back the tears. Juan-Miguel, surprised by this gesture, stops what he is doing and comes to her. “My mother doesn't know it yet, but I am dying. I have cancer.” With these words, she breaks down and cries. He takes her into his arms and holds her tightly. She welcomes the embrace. She turns to him and pleads, “Juan-Miguel, I have but one wish.”

Juan-Miguel cannot get the thoughts of Santiago out of his head. The next day he takes his mother to San Rita de Cascia, where his grandfather, his father and he were baptized. Juan-Miguel and his sister sit dutifully by their mother. Isabella and her mother, Dona Linda, sit behind them. He kneels on the wooden floor, praying for this turmoil inside him to go away. The Catholic service is simple. Beautiful music is played on
guitarras
. After church, the families walk to market so that the mothers can prepare the special Sunday meals. Juan-Miguel's mother,too, has just returned from church and is ready to go to market as she always has done. Juan-Miguel goes along, but only to help carry the bags. Normally, he'd visit with the local men and talk sports. However, this day, in the corner of his eye, he sees the man he slept with two nights before. Juan-Miguel casually places himself behind a crowd of men so as not to be noticed while he studies the man from a distance. Santiago, unaware of this attention, busily goes about his daily shopping, whistling a happy tune while haggling with the vendors for the best prices.

At night, Santiago lies on his bed, still dreaming of that night and wondering where Juan-Miguel had gone or if he would ever see him again. He softly asks of the night, “Where are you, Juan-Miguel? Are you thinking of me? Are you as happy as I am?”A few days pass and Santiago settles back into his routine of going to the school and walking back home, with the occasional ventures to the market and church. The trip to the fountain in the middle of the village continues to be his evening ritual, and he diligently watches the four roads for signs of Juan-Miguel. But he never reappears.

Once a week Santiago goes to his sister's home located two villages away in El Fuente. Their mother and father had died while they were still in school, and their maternal grandparents had taken them in. The grandparents are kind, but also very poor, with little extra food to spare for the two children. Santiago and his older sister, Clara, sleep side-by-side on straw palettes on the floor, and overhear their sickly grandparents discuss the subject of orphanages. They know they will not be able to stay for long. This leads to Santiago's sister marrying at the young age of fifteen, and not finishing school. She marries a fat butcher named Ramon, who is thirteen years older than she, but she doesn't care. He proves to be a good provider and that is what is important to Clara. She always makes sure she has some nice cuts of beef or chicken for her beloved brother who comes to see her every Thursday.

Santiago feels guilty that his sister had to marry such a fat, older man to avoid being put out onto the streets. They were too old to go into an orphanage. She never talks to him about how happy she is being married. She never tells him how much she longs for a child to raise. They exchange few words; however, the silence isn't awkward, it's comfortable. He comes for lunch on Thursdays and eats quietly. When they finish, she packs some food for him and hugs him as he leaves. They are content with their lives and have few complaints.

The night after his visit with Clara, he is awakened by strange noises at his door. Fearing a robber, Santiago is surprised to see Juan-Miguel. He has in his hands slabs of wood, and he is wearing his tool belt from work. He greets Santiago with few words and starts to work on a door that will shield Santiago from the outside world.

Santiago jumps to prepare some food and offers it to Juan-Miguel, but he refuses the nourishment. He only takes a glass of water. Santiago watches his beloved work tirelessly on the door, his muscles well-defined under a sheen of sweat as he cuts and fits the wood so perfectly. Santiago is so overjoyed he thinks he is dreaming. Finally, Juan-Miguel closes the door with a definitive click.

Santiago moves to embrace Juan-Miguel in gratitude but is pushed away. Confused, he approaches Juan-Miguel again and is struck to the ground. Crying, he touches Juan-Miguel's hand, motioning him to stay. Juan-Miguel sits on the bed and thinks with concentration. Juan-Miguel's strongest instinct is to leave, but his irrational desire makes him stay. In staying, he realizes that he really likes Santiago; he turns to him and they embrace.

In the waking morning hours as Juan-Miguel readies to leave, a sleepy Santiago asks of him the unthinkable: “Might we have a lifetime together somewhere, Juan-Miguel? It is my one wish.” Santiago pleads with his eyes.

“It cannot be, Santiago,” Juan-Miguel interrupts, “My wish is to start a family. I am sorry.”

Juan-Miguel cannot get Santiago out of his mind all day at work. His guilty feelings for a man quickly overshadow his duties on the job. By the end of the day he is a tired and emotional wreck. He arrives home to his mother and asks her to invite her dear friend, Dona Linda, and her daughter, to supper so that an announcement can be made.