The Gaze of Caprice (The Caprice Trilogy Book 1) (11 page)

Dr. Lin found Qiu with her arms folded, standing in the doorway of Room 519.  She didn’t notice him come up behind her, as she was focused on an old woman lying still in bed.  The woman was asleep, breathing through a tube.  It made Qiu feel different, very different.  She had been grabbed, forced down and raped on gravel.  Now she stood in a doorway impregnated.  It was capricious and against her will.  But she wasn’t on her back, breathing through a tube.  Life had not been choked out of her.  Life was growing inside her. 

“
Ms. Li
?” said Dr. Lin.

Qiu was unresponsive.  She just stared at the woman in the bed; the woman looked dead.  But Qiu would not have traded places with her.  Despite what had happened and the complications it would bring, Qiu realized she still valued life over death.  Being raped had to be accepted.  Being pregnant had to be accepted.  Being left for dead, like the woman in the bed, was not being at all.     

“
Ms. Li
?” said Dr. Lin

Qiu turned around with dry eyes.  Dr. Lin took one look at her and felt an instant relief.  He could tell she was in a better state of mind.  He had never been in such a situation with a patient before.  It was obvious that she was upset about being pregnant, but he didn’t know why—why so upset.  He told himself he would sacrifice professionalism to ask.  He was a doctor for her body and her body only.  He treaded carefully with attempts to doctor souls.  She didn’t want the pregnancy; that he knew.  He would go on from there and return to being a body doctor.

“
Should we go back to the room and discuss our options
?” said Dr. Lin slightly above a whisper.

Qiu simply shook her head. 

“
You don’t have to come back with me.  I just need to go get changed
,” said Qiu.

A confused look took over Dr. Lin.  Qiu had demonstrated the most violent reaction to a pregnancy he had seen.  And she didn’t want to discuss a termination immediately.  Not to terminate, meant keeping the child.

“
Are you sure
?” Dr. Lin had to ask.

“
Sure for now
,” said Qiu, already halfway back to Room 505.

Dr. Lin decided not to follow Qiu back to her room.  He had always treated the patient’s wish above anything he knew about medicine.  Whether or not she would terminate the pregnancy was a life decision.  Dr. Lin was an expert on medicine but he considered Qiu to be an expert on her own life.  Qiu left the hospital at 11:48 am.  She drove the
Vespa
in no particular direction around southern Taipei.  She drove for an hour without deciding what she would tell her daughter.  She wasn’t sure if she would go home, but the hour passed and frustrated her.  The wind in her face was supposed to clear her mind; it didn’t.  Instead of having her mind cleared, she had her mind cleansed.  She could think of nothing.  She decided the familiar spaces of her apartment might do better, so she headed home.  She approached her apartment building from an unfamiliar direction.  It was the same street, but different side.  When she was four blocks away from the pink brick building, she saw a purple neon sign for
piming
—a life commentator.  It was an old practice that reached into multiple facets of Taiwanese society.    Businessmen would consult a life commentator for strategic management decisions.  Lovers came for direction in their relationship.  But the focus of
piming
was predestination and Qiu didn’t believe anything was predestined.  Predestination didn’t cause Qiu to pull her
Vespa
to the side of the road, indecision did.  She wanted to talk to her daughter about her pregnancy, but didn’t know if she should tell her daughter.  She could terminate the pregnancy without anyone knowing, but she had to have it clear in her head.  If she didn’t terminate, her daughter would find out eventually.  If she did terminate, she could tell her daughter after the fact but would face similar questions about the pregnancy.  Either way, she thought her daughter would understand, but she wasn’t sure what she wanted her daughter to understand.

Qiu stepped through the door and came to terms with how small the room was.  It was on the first floor of an apartment building with a similar layout to the one Qiu lived in.  The room had served as a laundry room for the building.  From the marks on the wall, it housed one washer and one dryer for the building’s tenants.  Qiu guessed the washateria in her building had made this room’s machines obsolete, so they were removed and replaced with spiritual machinery.  There was an old woman wearing a navy-colored tunic suit and blue jeans.  She sipped ginger root tea out of an old glass jar while watching a small box television set. 

“
Hello
,” said Qiu

The woman flapped her right hand up and down.  Qiu understood it as a signal to sit down.  She landed in an old wooden chair with brown paint peeling off. 

“
What is your name
?” asked the old woman, still facing the box.

“
Li Qiu
,” said Qiu.

“
Are you worried
?” asked the old woman.

“
I don’t know
,” said Qiu.

“
Why not
?” asked the old woman.

“
What I would worry about may be a blessing
,” said Qiu.

“
The worried come to see me, not so much the blessed
,” said the old woman.

“
I want to know if I am to worry or am blessed
,” said Qiu.

“
Now, so do I
,” said the old woman.

The old woman pulled out a small string-bound book from the shelf on Qiu’s left-hand side.

“
Li Qiu
,” said the old woman.

Qiu’s face went from relaxed to serious.

“
Li Qiu
,” said the old woman, “
The autumn landscape, lined with metal, filled with air
.”

The old woman flipped page after page in the string-bound book.

“
When were you born
?” asked the old woman.

“
August 29, 1945
,” said Qiu.

“
Before the season change
,” said the old woman, “
at the turn
.”

“
I was born on the mainland
,” said Qiu, “
I wasn’t born here, if that’s a difference
.”

“
Yours is to let go
,” said the old woman.

“
Let go of what
?” asked Qiu.

“
Of that which would make you feel worried not blessed
,” said the old woman. 

“
But they are two different things
,” said Qiu.

“
And in your life they will manifest as two different people
,” said the old woman.  Qiu went silent. So did the old woman, looking Qiu up and down.

“
Worry is grounded and is yin; blessing is celestial and is yang.  There is a union of forces and both yin and yang are united through you
,” said the old woman.  Qiu blinked.

“
The worry is grounded and in this world.  The blessing is celestial and is not in this world
,” said the old woman.  Qiu inhaled.

“
Like a marriage between a man and woman, uniting yin with yang takes commitment
,” said the old woman,
“
And commitment takes sacrifice.  The forces of yin and yang are uniting through you.  You will have to make a commitment to this union.  And you will also have to sacrifice
.”

“
What sacrifice
?” asked Qiu.

“
You’re thirty-four years old, marriage is not the union.  You don’t even look like the people who come here to ask about that.  Lined with metal filled with air
,” said the old woman.  She stared into Qiu’s eyes before looking her up and down.

“
You’re not one of the two
,” said the old woman, “
It is two others.  You represent the unity but not the union. But the union is through you, through you.  And the autumn is lined with metal but filled with air, meaning its time is fixed but not its mood.  Autumn can be more like summer or winter; it can be filled with anything in between.  Like a womb, it can carry female and male, yin and yang.  Its meaning is…children.  You must be pregnant
,” said the old woman.

Qiu’s eyes grew warm enough to condensate, and a single long tear ran down the right side of her nose to her lips.

“
Do you already have children
?” asked the old woman.  Qiu nodded.

“
A daughter
,” said Qiu.

“
Now, is a son
,” said the old woman.

“
A boy
,” said Qiu.

“
Your daughter represents yin, your worry.  This boy represents yang your blessing.  The yin is grounded because your daughter is already born.  But your son is celestial, he is energy coming into form.  His energy is massive. I felt it when you came in here
,” said the old woman.

“
His energy
?” asked Qiu.

“
How many months
?” asked the old woman.

“
Five weeks
,” said Qiu.

“
Does this pregnancy feel different than with your daughter
?” asked the old woman.

“
It feels horrible
,” said Qiu.

“
Unearthing
?” asked the old woman. 

“
I’m sick always, I try to hide it from my daughter but I can’t anymore.  Even my boss noticed. It’s why I’m here.  He forced me to take off
,” said Qiu feeling rushed.

“
The sickness is because of so much energy trying to align itself; it takes its toll.  And it’s going to get worse
,” said the old woman.

“
How much worse
?” asked Qiu.

“
Much
much worse.  Commitment and sacrifice, until all energy has aligned itself,
” said the old woman.

“
Which is which
?” asked Qiu.

“
One will come out of the other. If you decide to carry this child to term, that will be your commitment
,” said the old woman, “
But if you do, you will sacrifice
.”  Qiu’s heart skipped a beat and she looked down.

“
Do you understand what I’m talking about
?” asked the old woman.  Qiu nodded.

“
This boy is unnatural, not belonging to this world.  It is why the energy is realigning itself.  It will take so much energy to put him here, including yours—all of yours
,” said the old woman.

“
What can I do
?” asked Qiu.

“
You can cut that monster out of you or try to balance his energy when it enters this world
,” said the old woman.

“
If I cut him out, will I die
?” asked Qiu.  The old woman shook her head.

“
But he has taken so much energy from you already, your life will continue but at a more tired pace
,” said the old woman.

“
What about him?  If he’s born, what will he be like
?” asked Qiu.

“
Powerful.  But the earth is yin to his yang.  The earth will try to balance his energy.  There won’t be an easy way for him in this world and you won’t be around to guide him, but he will have your strength
,” said the old woman.  Qiu gave a confusing little look.

“
You said I could balance his energy when he comes in this world, how
?” asked Qiu.

“
Through the union
,” said the old woman.

“
Which is
?” asked Qiu.

“
Your daughter and your son
,” said the old woman, “
You have such a son because you have a way to foster him. Your daughter is, no doubt, strong like you
.”

“
Stronger than me
,” said Qiu.

“
Good
,” said the old woman, “
She will have to defend him against the world until he can defend himself.  You must understand he does not belong in this world.  He won’t be well-received, but he will be strong enough to make his way
.”

“
I need to tell my daughter to protect him
?” asked Qiu.