The Ghost Apple (19 page)

• Keep telling the mailman not to leave this junk mail in your box, but he doesn't listen.

• Have heard recently that pine blight is destroying the Rocky Mountain forests.

• Are experiencing intolerable zeolite bioburden.

• Come from the tropical third world.

• Are an indigenous person.

CAUTIONS

Side effects that may go away almost immediately, if they occur at all, include

 

• A lemon-yellow discoloration of the skin

• Retrograde ejaculation

• Synesthesia

• Syncopated mindbeat

• Anticlerical prejudice

• Psychogenic rash

• Transient combativeness

• Bioluminescence

• Anhedonia

• Chemical burns

• Keratoconjunctivitis

• Harlequin-type ichthyosis

 

DOSING STRATEGIES

MALPRAXALIN® has been specially formulated to increase in effectiveness the more you use it, so don't worry about dosage. We believe in a holistic approach to dosing: Let your body tell you how much MALPRAXALIN® it needs. Just take at least one with a jelly jar of milk or juice first thing in the morning, then take more whenever you want to. Easy! If an enhanced effect is desired, pulverize two tablets and inhale via the nose.

TESTIMONIALS

 

I used to drink three bags of wine PER DAY, and then I began taking MALPRAXALIN®.

—Greg, Michigan

 

I felt the effects of MALPRAXALIN® right away.

—Gary, Indiana

 

Since I began taking MALPRAXALIN®, there has literally been a revolution in my country!

—Anonymous

 

I've been taking MALPRAXALIN® for two weeks and I've already lost 19 pounds!

—Michelle, New Jersey

From: “Maggie Bell”

To: “Chris Bell”

Date: January 18, 2010, at 1:00 PM

Subject: (no subject)

 

Chris!

They limit our internet time pretty severely for some reason, so I've only got a second. I wanted to tell you I've been having a good time so far. Last night we set fire to an old wooden cart that washed up on the beach, and this guy Henry tried to roast a chicken over the dirty flames. He speared it on a pitchfork, but he forgot to take the plastic wrapper off, so in the end we had this chicken that was charred on the outside, cold and raw on the inside, and stank of burnt plastic. Henry insisted on eating some of it anyway.

Later we met these three Renardenne guys on the beach and we drank something called coconut wine, which I think might have cocaine in it. It didn't taste like coconuts. It was good to meet some islanders, and at first I felt that familiar first-world feeling, like I wanted to prove I was one of them, or sympathetic to them, or whatever. But then one of them tried to grab my ass and I hit him in the mouth with a bottle of ketchup. It was only a plastic bottle. His friends laughed at him and nodded at me like I'd passed some test, and after that all three of them were perfectly fine. But the other kids, who I guess were operating with a heavier burden of guilt than I was, couldn't admit that these guys were acting like assholes, and they spent the rest of the night pretending this high-handed interest in their lives and trying to commiserate with them. The Renardennes knew what was going on and sort of played it up. They were saying things like, “It have a river come down from the mountains just so, but you get hot, let me tell you, you think you go swim, the white man go string you up. He don't want the black man in the river. He think the black go wash off and get on he white white skin.” It was bullshit, and meanwhile the Renardenne guys were drinking all our beer and winking at me like I was in on their game, which I guess I was. The other Tripoli students didn't even notice. They just sat there nodding earnestly and saying, “Shit, man, yeah. That's capitalism.”

Anyway, the director told us to write to family and say we're heading out tomorrow and we'll be away from the phone and the internet for a little while. Exciting! We've been living it up here in this swanky old house above the ocean, but it'll be good to see more of the island.

Be well, huh? Keep me updated? Just be a college kid and hang out with Max and don't worry so much about the rest. At least for now. And don't worry about me either. I'm having a good time. I feel better already. Maybe I'll write my own slave narrative when I get back! Like Professor Kabaka says—every American story is a slave narrative. Or should I say
Commandant
Kabaka? I don't know what to think about that . . .

 

Love,

M

FIELD STUDIES PROGRAM IN TROPICAL AGRICULTURE

Student Handbook 2009–2010

INTRODUCTION

Many and varied are the difficulties which will beset you when you first exchange your campus and its surroundings for the vicissitudes of life on St. Renard. Few students realize the sacrifices they will be called upon to make in taking such a decided step. This handbook will enable you not only to judge for yourself as to what things it may be necessary to take with you from home, but will also be useful as a small guide on points affecting your own health, and on matters connected with traveling, diet, and residence in the tropics.

BASIC SAFETY INFORMATION AND PREPAREDNESS

The habits of life in a temperate climate render one unfit for tropical life, and one must change them or break down.

Sun Protection

Panama hats and Renardenne straw hats afford inadequate protection for the head. When compelled to go in the sun, a black umbrella should be used, or better still, one should be provided with a broad-brimmed cork helmet which will not allow the actinic rays to penetrate. It has even been proposed that one make doubly sure and line the helmet with tinfoil, which is opaque to the sun’s rays. It is surprising how transparent the scalp and skull are to light rays.

Protecting Yourself from Thieves

The thieves of St. Renard are renowned for their dexterity. Their usual method is to divest themselves of all clothing, oil or grease their bodies, and then, imitating the whine of a dog, prowl about on all fours until they find an opportunity of making off with your valuables. If you feel convinced that a thief is in your tent or cabin, do not make use of firearms. The safest weapon is a knife, but your movements must be so quietly performed as not to excite his attention, or your chance of catching him will be gone.

Understanding and Respecting Locals

Something that is perfectly acceptable to you may be unacceptable to a Renardenne, and vice versa. For instance, women should not smoke cigarettes in public areas. This is considered an intolerable provocation.

Fruit Safety

Mangoes are heating and stimulating, and are apt to produce a pustular eruption if freely indulged in. Pineapples should be eaten with great caution.

Water Safety

If you wish to enjoy the pleasure and benefit of bathing, choose a clean place in a river that is free from alligators and go into it very early in the morning, when you are free from every feverish symptom. By no means attempt to tamper with your constitution by plunging into a cold bath in the heat of the day, for thousands and thousands have by that means caused their own deaths.

Insanity

Nervous diseases are aggravated in the tropics. Insanity is much more prevalent on St. Renard than in the United States. Last year, the insanity rate among students per 1,000 for those at Tripoli was just 22, or 2.2 percent, while on St. Renard it was 16 percent.

HINTS FOR MAINTAINING HEALTH IN THE TROPICS

People from temperate regions have sweeter and richer blood than those who reside in the torrid zone, and until it becomes diluted or weakened by sickness, frequent perspirations, and other evacuations, they seldom enjoy a robust state of health.

Prickly Heat

The prickly heat is an irritating affection of the skin that manifests itself in a red, pimply eruption, usually on those parts of the body that come into contact with clothing. To ameliorate this condition, rub the body all over with the juice of fresh limes. Stimulants should be avoided; the bowels should be relaxed and the kidney made to act freely. A mixture of three drachms of acetate of potash, about half a drachm of sweet spirits of nitre, and eight ounces of decoction of broom will answer this purpose.

Cholera Belt

It is most essential for the preservation of health that a double fold of flannel, made in the form of a broad belt, should be worn round the abdomen night and day. Such an article can be obtained ready-made from all outfitters, and two or three should be included in a student’s kit. When the waistband of the drawers is lined with flannel, this belt will only be required for night wear.

Spasms

There is great susceptibility to spasms across all populations on St. Renard. Frictions with olive oil is the popular remedy, and the expressed juice of the garlic taken by the teaspoon may also provide some relief.

Fever

Quotidian, tertian, and quartan fever are common afflictions in the tropics, and one must learn how to bring the temperature down. Quinine, or Jesuit’s bark, is effective in most cases. If no quinine is available, the best method is to spread out two thick blankets on the floor or bed, with a couple of pillows under them at the head. Upon these blankets place a large sheet soaked in cold water. Let the patient lie down at full length upon the sheet, the arms placed against the sides. An attendant is then to rapidly fold the wet sheet round the body, from the chin to the feet. The blankets are similarly to be tightly folded.

Dysentery

Dysentery is very common on St. Renard, and its effects are frequently most disastrous. Even when the disease is not immediately fatal, it is apt, if neglected in its earlier stages, to pass into chronic dysentery, a condition which renders life a veritable burden. Abuse of stimulants, immoderate indulgence in fruit, or the habit of constantly eating highly spiced or peppery dishes are all indirect causes of the disease. Luckily, we have in ipecacuanha a remedy specific to dysentery. Even in the most advanced and hopeless forms of the malady, this invaluable drug often arrests and obviates the fatal termination which appears so near. The next-best remedy will be pills of lead and opium, of which two or three may be taken in a day. Hot stupes or poultices will also be found grateful, and will relieve the colic and the nausea.

The Black Vomit

The black vomit, also called yellow jack or yellow fever, is the most feared of tropical afflictions and remains the single greatest impediment to our educational endeavors in the tropics. Some success has been seen in patients treated with mercury, and venesection may offer relief, but when it comes to this most horrific of all maladies, it may be that “prevention is the best medicine,” for there exists no surefire remedy. We may thank Dr. John James Hayes for his discovery that inoculation with either Lachesus or Crotalus venom does much to prevent an attack. All students should receive one of these inoculations before departing for the island.

ALCOHOL POLICY

There is a great difference of opinion in regard to the effect of alcohol in the tropics. Woodruff states that “statistics of about 2,800 soldiers show that the damage done to these vigorous men by the small amount of excessive drinking they indulged in was not so great as the damage done by the climate to the total abstainers. Approximately 11 percent of the abstainers died, while about 3.5 percent of the moderate drinkers, and less than 2 percent of the excessive drinkers. About 15 percent of abstainers were invalided home, about 9 percent of the moderate drinkers, and about 8 percent of the excessive drinkers.” Other observers give a directly opposite opinion—that nowhere are the effects of alcohol so detrimental as in the tropics.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: What are the bathroom facilities like?

A: Many students are surprised by how little time it takes to get used to unfamiliar sanitary arrangements.

Q: For religious reasons, I have to wear a special woolen undergarment. Will I be okay on St. Renard?

A: Be sure that the climate will revenge itself for this folly.

Q: I’m really worried about my weight. Will there be healthy dining options?

A: After a short sojourn on the island, want of appetite will suffice to guard students against the dangers of overeating.

Q: I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.

A: Occasionally an active and special stimulus to the liver will be necessary. For example: two or three of Cockle’s Pills, or a few grains of rhubarb, calomel, and ipecacuanha. A dose of Lamplough’s Pyretic Saline, with the juice of a lime, is also a very safe aperient, and will assist the action of the pills should they fail to operate satisfactorily of themselves.