THE GIFT (2 page)

Everything felt wrong. All she could hear was the sound of beeping noises from nearby machines. Her throat hurt and she was having trouble breathing. She ached all over and it was dark in the room. It took her a moment to realize that there were bandages on her face. She tried to reach up to pull them away, but her arm was heavy. When she attempted to use the other one, she found it was fastened to something and there was pain, so much pain. The accident came back to her in bits and pieces. She realized she must be in the hospital and panic set in. How badly was she hurt? Why couldn’t she move? Where were her friends?

“Hello! Is anyone in here?” she tried to call out, but no words came. Was she dead? Had she died in the wreck and this was just her mind’s way of coping with her own demise? She tried to remember everything that had happened but couldn’t. There were the lights and the awful sound of metal on metal combined with screaming. She caught a glimpse of a large truck going over the side of the bridge. It was perhaps the most surreal thing she had ever witnessed. Then the car flipped over and it seemed like there was pain everywhere. It was all she could remember before the world went completely dark.

Then, she heard the sound of scurrying feet and a woman telling her she would be right back. Amanda tried to get her to stop and tell her what was going on, but the woman didn’t respond. Instead, there was silence for what seemed like an eternity and then more footsteps returning to the room. They stopped right beside her bed.

“Amanda? Are you awake in there?” a woman’s voice asked from somewhere nearby. Amanda tried to talk again, but there were only inarticulate sounds. It was enough to let the person know she was awake, however. “Good. That’s very good. I’m Dr. Thompson. I’m your physician. Don’t try to speak, just listen to me. Nod your head to answer any questions along the way. Do you understand?”

Amanda nodded her headed up and down against her pillow. Good. At least that worked. She could move her head and she was apparently alive. Her head was more than a little fuzzy, but she seemed aware of the things around her. The doctor, the sounds, and her memories of the accident...they all seemed to be there.  She got a little lost in her thoughts for a moment until she realized the doctor was speaking again.

“You have been in an accident. Do you remember what happened?” the doctor asked. Amanda nodded that she did.

“Good. That is a good sign. Here is what is going on with you. You have several broken ribs and a broken right arm. You have multiple lacerations to your face and arms and they will all heal. Your body has some major bruising, but thankfully, there are no internal injuries to worry about. That’s the good news. Did you understand all of that so far?” the doctor asked.

Amanda nodded her head slowly up and down. Broken bones, cuts and bruises didn’t sound too horrible, but not much like good news. She felt a bit of panic set in as she waited to hear the bad news. A part of her wished the doctor had started with that instead, but then she probably wouldn’t have been paying any attention to the other stuff. She supposed that is exactly why it had been presented that way.

“You have been unconscious. That is why you have a breathing tube down your throat. Now that you are alert and breathing on your own, we will take that out for you and that will make things feel a lot better. On a level from one being no pain and five being maximum pain, can you use your left hand to show me your level of discomfort?

Damn her, why was she carrying on about other stuff? It was good to know, but there was something she hadn’t told her yet. She needed to get to the point. Amanda struggled to push the thought aside as she folded down her thumb and one finger.

“Your pain is at a three? So, you are in moderate pain. Is that correct?” the doctor responded and Amanda nodded in agreement.

“That’s very good Amanda. You are responding well to questions and that is an excellent sign. I’m going to get your parents in here with us and then we will discuss things a little further,” the doctor said. There was the sound of a curtain being pulled back and more footsteps entering the room.

“Hey, baby. Mom and I are here. We love you,” her father told her. She could hear the strain in his voice and the very subtle sounds of her mother crying. Even though she was obviously trying to do it quietly so that Amanda didn’t hear, she still could tell, even in the darkness that surrounded her.

“Amanda, this is going to be very hard for you to hear. You suffered quite a bit of eye damage because of the small fragments of glass from the accident. The corneas in your eyes have been damaged to the point that they are no longer functional. What little vision you might have maintained will go away as they heal and scar over. All of your other wounds will heal, but your eyesight will not return. The damage is just too much to repair. At some point transplant may be an option, but it could be a while before that becomes a viable solution and, even then, there are risks involved. Do you understand what I am telling you, Amanda?” the doctor asked.

For a moment, Amanda didn’t respond. She could hear her mother crying harder and she realized that she was crying, as well. The tears brought agonizing pain to her eyes and face as they filled the tiny wounds that had robbed her of sight. It wasn’t just dark here because she had bandages. It would continue to be dark when the gauze came off. It would be dark forever. The last thing she would ever remember seeing was a truck going off the side of the Queensboro Bridge. A truck that had taken her eyesight away from her forever.

“Amanda, do you understand what I have told you?” the doctor repeated gently. Amanda slowly nodded her head to indicate that she understood.

“Very good. I’m going to increase your meds temporarily to help with the pain and to keep you from moving too much while you heal. We will release your restrained hand so you can reach the nurse’s button in case you need anything. Also, we will remove the ventilation tube so that you can breathe on your own and you’ll be able to talk. Your throat will be scratchy for a while, but that will pass. I am going to talk to your parents outside while a nurse takes care of all of that and then your parents will be back in to visit with you for a bit. I will check on you again later,” the doctor said. Amanda nodded slowly and she heard footsteps leaving.

Moments later, the nurse arrived to tend to her. The nurse had been there for only moments it seemed when her parents came back. Amanda’s voice was so hoarse and weak that it was hard to speak but she said exactly what she later knew her parents must have dreaded hearing. “How is Dan? How are the others?” It came out in a weak croaking voice that she didn’t recognize as her own.

“Amanda, I’m so sorry. Jane, Kirk and Holly are in pretty bad shape. They are here in the unit with you being attended to by some of the best doctors around. It will probably be a while before we know anything definite. The truck that hit you. I don’t know if you even saw it. They said it happened very fast and you were unconscious when the ambulance arrived. It was a semi-truck and it hit on the driver’s side. Dan never felt anything honey. It was instant.” It was her father speaking. His voice was barely a whisper by the time he got to the end and she could hear her mother’s sobs again.

Amanda felt the sting again as tears filled her eyes. Dan was dead. The one boy she had ever loved and he was gone, just like that. Her mind drifted to the first time she had ever seen him, standing in the door of her chemistry class on the first day of her senior year. He had just moved here and didn’t know anyone. She didn’t have a lab partner and the teacher had directed him to pair up with her. She immediately felt a rush as he stood next to her and smiled, introducing himself. It was the beginning of a great friendship and soon after that, they began dating. He was her first real boyfriend. Eventually, she had given him her virginity and they had begun to make plans to attend the same university. He was her soul mate and now...what now?

“Amanda, I’m sorry,” her father said. “I know how hard that must be for you to hear.”

He didn’t. There was no way he could know how hard it was for her to hear. She felt numb and couldn’t respond, just continuing to lay there and let the tears fall, letting them sting across her face to match the pain she felt inside. It was pain that had nothing to do with her injuries. Now, she could add a broken heart to the list of things she would take years to heal from. Why couldn’t she just had died with him? They would still be together that way and she wouldn’t be laying here, blind and helpless to do anything about what was happening to her, what had happened to him, what was happening to their friends.

“Amanda? Are you going to answer that?” The sound of Haruka’s voice jarred Amanda from her thoughts. She had been so engrossed in remembering the events that had led to her current world of darkness that she hadn’t even heard the phone ringing. Pushing the button on her headset, she spoke quietly and calmly into the microphone near her mouth.

“Hello. My name is Amanda. How may I help you?” she said.

“I have been thinking about killing myself for the past three weeks and I wanted to talk to someone about it,” came a man’s voice on the other line.

“Then you have seriously thought about ending your life?” Amanda responded. This wasn’t her first suicide call and they most often just needed someone to care enough to tell them not to do it.

“I’ve thought about it but I wouldn’t do it before. Somehow, today, it does seem more like a good idea,” he responded.

“What is different about today that makes it seem like a good time to take your life? Have you made a plan?” Amanda inquired.

“My fiancée just died. She has been sick for months and I’ve been thinking that maybe when the time came, I should join her. The time came just now,” he told her.

“I am sorry about your loss. Losing someone you love is never easy. Is this the first time you have thought about doing something like this? Have you ever attempted suicide before?” Amanda asked.

“No, I haven’t tried to kill myself. It seems so hard, but I just feel so alone now and there are things that I didn’t do right. I’ll never get the chance to change that or make it up to her,” he told her. His voice was quiet, filled with melancholy. It sounded as if he might burst into tears at any moment.

“Okay. You feel alone, but you don’t think you’re going to try to kill yourself. Is that right?” Amanda asked him, trying to put his feelings into perspective for him so that he could focus on something other than his pain.

“I don’t know. I guess so. I just don’t want to be here without her. All of this is just so wrong. It isn’t fair to her,” he replied, choking back tears now.

“I know that it is hard to lose someone you care about. There isn’t much anyone can say that makes it better, but I can tell you that time does have a way of healing those wounds. You just can’t do anything rash before you’ve given yourself a chance to get past these roughest moments,” she told him.

“Maybe. I don’t know,” he said.

“Your fiancée, would she have wanted you to end your life because hers was over? Surely, she would want you to enjoy your life and honor her memory instead? I can’t believe she would want what you’re considering for yourself,” Amanda continued.

“No, you’re right. She wouldn’t have. She told me she wanted me to be happy,” he said, stifling more tears.

“Then, that is how you will best cope with your loss. You should do all the things she would have wanted you to do. You should go on and enjoy those things that you would miss out on if you allow yourself to die with her. You’re still alive. You still have a lot of time left to do whatever you long to do. Do you have any family or a pet? What about friends you can talk to?” Amanda asked.

“I have a dog,” he told her.

“What will happen to your dog if you aren’t here to take care of him?” Amanda asked.

“I...I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it,” he replied. Amanda could tell from his hesitation that he was considering what would become of his beloved pet after he was gone. It was a tactic they often used to steer people away from the problem and onto something more positive in their life, a reason to remain.

“What about friends or family? Do you have anyone to talk to?” Amanda pressed on.

“I have friends, but not that I can talk to about this. They would think I’m crazy and blow it off completely,” he told her quietly. The change in his volume told her that he wasn’t alone and someone was near.

“What about family? Do you have a family member you are close to?” Amanda asked.

“I guess. My older sister and I aren’t very close, but she’s been visiting during all of this,” he said, still being very quiet.

“Is your sister there now?” Amanda asked.

“No, she lives in Brooklyn, but is out of town a lot. She stops by as often as she can,” he said softly.

“It sounds like you really love your sister. Do you think that you could perhaps sit down with her, tell her how you are feeling?” Amanda asked.

“I think she knows. I mean, she’s seen what has been happening. Everyone knows how much pain I am in, but I just haven’t felt like talking about it. I just want to be with her,” he said. His voice was almost a whisper now.

Even after all this time, it cut Amanda to the bone. She had been where he was. The pain was great and a part of you did just want to die, especially when you were left behind to suffer your own fate. Even her best friends hadn’t been there for her, they had spent weeks in intensive care. Two of them had eventually been released with only scars to remind them of the horrible accident they had barely survived, but Jane wasn’t so lucky. She would spend the rest of her days in a wheelchair. Life just wasn’t fair sometimes.

“I know that you are in pain and it seems that things will never feel better, but they will. I don’t think that she would have wanted you to just stop living because of her. What you have to do is make a decision to not let this define you. Talk it through with your sister and don’t leave out your friends. Even if you don’t feel you can talk to them, they can give you other outlets to manage your pain. Do you have any plans with them to do anything?” Amanda asked.

“No. They are going skiing in a couple of months, but I told them I didn’t want to go,” he said.

“Could you maybe reconsider that and get out of the house for a while? Get some fresh air and see how things look through a refreshed pair of eyes? It will give you something to look forward to through the hard days that I know will come. You might even spend some time with them in the interim so you don’t feel so alone in this,” Amanda told him. A voice inside her head told her that she should be so lucky herself, but she pushed it away.

“I guess I could do that,” he told her. His voice was a little louder now. It was a sign that he was at least considering that he still had things to look forward to in his life.

“That’s great. So, first you will talk to your sister and then you will contact your friends?” Amanda confirmed.

“Yes,” he replied, sounding a bit stronger.

“How are you feeling now? Do you still feel like you want to be dead?” Amanda asked.

“No. I mean, I still feel really bad, but I guess I haven’t really tried to do anything but wallow in self-pity,” he told her.

“I think you are going to be fine. Just keep pushing forward. I want you to promise to call back if you start feeling like taking your life. Will you do that?” Amanda asked him.

“Okay. I will be okay. I have just been so down and didn’t know how to get back up. I already miss her so much, but I know she wouldn’t have wanted me like this. Thank you,” he said.

“I’m very glad to hear that. Let me make a few suggestions before we hang up. Please make plans with your friends and family as much as possible. You will heal much faster if you don’t give up the life around you. If you see that you aren’t getting what you need from them, then take it to the next level and visit a counselor. We can recommend several in your area if you need for us to. I can do that now or you can call back and request the info if you feel you need it,” Amanda told him.

“Thank you. You’ve already been a big help. I feel a lot better than I did when I called,” he responded and Amanda believed him. His voice was steadier, more evenly toned.

“I’m glad that you called. Please call again if you need to,” she finished up. They said their goodbyes and Amanda hung up. Since they were not allowed to record conversations, most of the operators made notes on calls, but due to her condition, she used a small recorder for hers. They were transcribed by a volunteer that came in during the evening shift on days that she had worked. The only purpose the notes served was to watch for patterns from frequent callers and general research without any specifics about the call or caller.

Most often, the hotline was flooded with people who just didn’t have anyone else to talk to about their problems, even though they weren’t really suicidal. There was also a fair share of intoxicated and perverted callers who were either belligerent or offensive and who the operators didn’t waste much time in telling that they weren’t there to be abused. Days like this, when someone called who genuinely needed help and received it, made all of the nonsense she encountered worthwhile for Amanda.

This was Amanda’s life now. Once she had healed from the accident, she had started volunteering at a suicide hotline several days per week. Calls like this one were routine and she had been trained well for them. Most were from teenagers that just didn’t know how to process the surge of emotions they felt. Others, like the one today, were adults who had gone through bad times and just didn’t know how to heal from it.

Her time at the hotline had started out as a short term thing. It was something to get her out of the house and allow her to do something other than sit around in darkness. Before she knew it, five years had passed and nothing had changed. She was still working at the hotline and living at home with her parents. Then, an unexpected thing happened only moments after she had hung up with the suicide caller. Amanda received a call of her own that would change her world forever.

“Amanda, you have a call on the regular phone,” Amber told her. She brought the cordless over to her while she removed her headset and felt for the receiver, putting it to her ear.

“Hello? This is Amanda. How can I help you?” It was weird getting a call on the office phone. Everyone knew not to bother her here. In the five years since her accident, she had volunteered here and no one had ever called her on this line. In fact, both the number and the location of the hotline center were kept a secret for the purpose of preserving anonymity.

“Amanda! It’s Dad. I know you don’t like to be called when you are at the center, but I need to come and pick you up right now. We just got a call from the hospital. They have an eye donation match for you. I’ve got your overnight bag in my hand and I’m on my way to get you.”

Amanda could barely believe her ears. She managed to say “okay” before holding out the phone for Amber to take from her. “I have to go, Amber. My father is picking me up to go get new eyes.” She knew it sounded weird, but Amber understood completely and let out a loud whoop of excitement for her.

“I’ll get a replacement on their way for the lines. I’m so happy for you, Amanda. Are you scared?” Amber asked.

“Terrified,” Amanda admitted. Though she was excited about the prospect of seeing again, she didn’t want to get her hopes up. What if it failed? What if she remained like this the rest of her life? She had been prepared for that once the idea of being blind forever had sank in with her, but now, with the possibility of regaining sight on the horizon, she found that she was scared it might not work out and she would have hoped for nothing. In her mind, she imagined herself on the other end of the hotline having someone soothing her as they talked her down from her mental ledge.

Moments later she was standing outside the center when she heard the wheels crunching on the gravel in front of her. She knew that it was her father. Since losing her sight, she had begun to pick up on the particulars that identified not only a car, but the specific car that her father drove. There was a particular lull of the engine and a distinct sound that the tires made when pulling up in front of the center. She waited patiently for him to come around and help her into her side of the car.

“I’m so excited, Amanda. Let’s go. They gave me an hour to fetch you and get you there. This is one boat we aren’t about to miss!” Amanda slid into the car beside him. Her father, who normally never drove over the speed limit, zipped through town as if he were in the Indy 500.

“I’d like to make it there in one piece if you don’t mind. Otherwise, we won’t need to worry about whether or not I can see,” Amanda said dryly.