The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (50 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange contents, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Bea,” he said, pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know, I haven’t had a cold all winter.”

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fame and fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him, “Who’s the most powerful man in the room?”

“That would be Jerry over there by the caviar,” he says.

The young woman walks over to Jerry and says, “Excuse me, Jerry, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I’d like to talk to you.”

Jerry and the girl step behind the column and she says, “Jerry, I’m going to unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blow job you’ve ever had!”

Jerry smiles slightly and says, “Well, okay. But what’s in it for me?”

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their outfit and began to give the moose love call.

Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.

The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she didn’t allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem.

“When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex.

Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.”

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he’d be right back. He got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.

“How did you get in here?” he asked.

“Shhhhh!!!” she replied. “You’ll wake my mother!”

John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed. “Looks like the Smiths have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too,” his son replied.

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall and sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him.

“Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?” he replied. “And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you or spend the next twenty years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes, I remember. So what?”

“I would have been a free man today.”

On their first night together, a newly-wed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now. You can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty.

“Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims. “Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful. Let me take your picture.”

Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes, my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.” She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why are you wearing a robe? We are married now.”

The man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh, oh, my, let me get a picture.”

He beams and asks, “Why?”

She answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”