The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (53 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, “What will our baby be called?”

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. “What will our baby be called?” she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. “What will our baby be called?!” she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his full condom, tied it in a knot, and said, “If he gets out of this one... Houdini!”

A man from the armed services had just spent a year unaccompanied on an expedition to a remote part of the world. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, “Honey, I want you to know that I haven’t wasted all this time alone. Instead, I’ve mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!”

And with that he dropped his underwear and shorts and stood before her totally naked.

“Now watch,” he said. Next he said, “Dick, ten-SHUN!”

And with that his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, “Dick, at EASE!”

And his dick deflated again.

“Wow, that was amazing,” said his wife. “Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It’s really something else!”

The guy responded that he didn’t mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife went next door and came back with a delicious-looking woman who got this guy’s full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, “Now watch this.” Then he said, “Dick, ten-SHUN!”

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was, “Dick, at EASE!”

But nothing happened. So the guy again said, “Dick, at EASE!”

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, “For the last time, I said AT EASE!!”

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

“What in the world are you doing?” she asked.

The guy said, “I’m giving this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!”

Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?

A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Motor Racing Grand Prix. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medalist for the 400 meters.”

“How so?”

“He’s got his time down to under 45 seconds.”

The subway train was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the police!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Miss. That’s just my pay check in my pocket.”

“Oh really,” she spat. “Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour!”

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, “F.F.”

His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.”

Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.”

She responded simply, “E.F.”

He repeated, “F.F.”

She again replied, “E.F.”

“Mom! Dad!” their son yelled. “What’s going on?”

Bad Bernie answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s got to be hot. You’ve got to take your time. You’ve got to stir gently and firmly.

You’ve got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.