The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (55 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?

A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”

His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

A couple of weeks later, the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later, he comes back and meets his friend.

“So did anything happen?”

“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.

“The day after you left, I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”

“Then what happened?” says the man.

“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”

“Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “Ewww—what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?”

“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.

“You mean polio?” she asked.

“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

“What’s wrong with your knees?” she asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”

“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.

“You mean measles?” she asked.

“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess…Smallcox?”

In a checkout line the other day a couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The checkout girl was listening when she heard the lady say to the guy, “Stop being a scrote.”

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, “What is a scrote?”

Without missing a beat the lady responded, “Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.”

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, and why she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband.

“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’

“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what.’

So you see, Doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”

“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”