The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (90 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I have finished. What am I?

Why, I am your very own—toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!

Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!

Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.”

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.”

An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, into the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dived back to safety.

“Private,” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

“Warehouses!?” the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he didn’t have it with him.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back?” he asks.

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processes his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants—you might have qualified for disability, too.”

The word of the day is legs.

Spread the word.

Lori, a pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

“Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “Every time I date one of the young doctors here I end up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?”

“For God’s sake, no!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?

A. Well, aren’t all kitchen appliances that color?

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

“I’m in love,” replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, “With whom?”

“With you!” he said.

“But, Little Johnny,” said the teacher gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? Sure, I’d like a husband of my own someday, but I don’t want a child.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Little Johnny reassuringly, “I’ll use a condom!”