The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (94 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

10.47Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

ads

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had the chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!”

“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice butt!”

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family called and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”

The widow replied, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”

“Your Honor, I am 75 years old. So there I am, sitting on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don’t stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor. Why, Your Honor, I haven’t felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, ‘Take me, young man, take me!’ That’s when he yelled, ‘April Fool,’ and that’s when I shot the bastard!!”

Q. How do you teach a blonde math?

A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, “I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.”

The old man, feeling a bit obliged, leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.

Then she said, “I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity.”

The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers.

The elderly woman then stated, “I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine.”

This time the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, “Was it something I said? Where are you going?”

The old man looked at her and replied, “I’m going in the other room to get my teeth!”

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, “What is three plus four?”

The little boy counted it out on his fingers and said, “Seven.”

The uncle said, “Listen, kid, you can’t count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets.”

So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, “What is five plus five?”

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said,

“Eleven.”

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no, no!” insisted the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

This guy is banging a girl and the girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?”

He replies, “No.”

She responds, “Oh, thank God for that! I don’t want to get that again!”

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, where he has lived his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.

“I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won’t call you ‘the bridge builder’ if you do that here. No, no, they don’t!

I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won’t call you ‘the house builder’ if you do that. No, no they don’t!

I remember building that tavern where I still drink when I was 35. If you do that people won’t call you ‘the tavern builder’ either. They sure won’t!

But if you fuck one goat...”