The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (88 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!” he said to the bartender.

“We got her!” replied the barkeeper. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.” The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled,

“I’m looking for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You found her!” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

“How do you know I want to do it in that position?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the whore, “but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started.”

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

“One day we should get her for this,” said the first boy.

“I agree. We’ll grab her...” said the second.

“Yeah,” said the third. “And then we’ll kick her in the nuts!”

There is a tour bus in Egypt that stops in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatting down next to his camel. “What time is it, sir?”

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel’s genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. “It’s about 2:00,” he says. The tourist can’t believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, “The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel’s genitals!!” One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05 p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel’s genitals.

The local says, “Sit down here and grab the camel’s genitals. Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard where that clock is hanging on the wall.”

There are three girls, and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decide to give their boyfriends nicknames. They ask the first girl what she calls her boyfriend. She says, “I call my man 7-Up.”

They ask her, “Why do you call your man that?”

And she says, “Because he’s seven inches long and is always up.”

They ask the second girl what she calls her man.

She says, “I call my man Mountain Dew.”

They ask, “Why do you call your man that?”

And she says, “Because he likes to mount and do me.”

They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, “I like to call my man Jack Daniels.”

They look at her puzzled and say, “Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!”

She says, “Exactly!”

A woman enrolls in nursing school and is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she’s having an orgasm.

“Sure,” she says. “He’s at home taking care of the kids.”

A baby was just born. He had all his parts and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like mad. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing in front of the worried parents but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and guess what he found?

The birth control pill!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway; I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs; I get undressed in the bathroom and I ease into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blow job?’ and she’s always sound asleep.”