The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (85 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A. Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me.

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a beautiful young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And so, here we are!”

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

The husband says, “WHAT??”

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day, the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, “We’ll take all three of them.” Then he goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then he goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited, she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She is jumping up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says, “I am ready to go. Let’s go pay.”

The husband says, “No, no, no, honey, we’re not going to buy all this stuff.”

The wife’s face goes blank.

“No, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!”

One day a pregnant wife announced to her husband that she was going to start looking for names for their unborn child. When the father got home from work the mother held up a baby book and said that if the baby was a girl the name was going to be Ophelia. The husband didn’t like the name. But he said, “That’s a good name—it reminds me of a girl I dated in college.”

The next day the mother had changed the name to Sarah.

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like, so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once inside, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That’s when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man.

The man asked the boy, “What’s wrong, young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!”

The little boy replied, “My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I’d turn to stone, and all of a sudden I felt something go hard!”

A married man keeps telling his wife, “Darling, you have such a beautiful butt.” Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.

The man’s birthday is coming up, so the wife decides to get the words Beautiful Butt tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist that her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.

He looks and says, “Yes, you do have a beautiful butt.”

She then tells the man she wants “Beautiful Butt” tattooed on her ass.

The man tells her, “I can’t fit that on your ass—it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt.”

She agrees and gets it done.

On the man’s birthday she hears him come home and she’s only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs.

He opens the door and she says, “Look, dear.” She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over and the man yells, “Who the fuck is Bob?!”

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”

His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?”

“Just rub toilet paper between them.”

Startled, the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”

“I don‘t know, but it worked for your ass.”

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.”

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.

After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”

She replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”