The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (105 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A patient awoke after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

“Why are all the blinds closed?” she asked her doctor.

“Well,” the surgeon responded, “they’re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.”

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm way out in the sticks. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to seduce Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.”

“Well then, why don’t you?” Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The redhead in the middle.”

Stunned, the young man says, “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her,” she says.

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A. Ask your Mom.

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: “Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids.” The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: “Queers & Rears.” The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the doctor came up with an acceptable sign: “Odds & Ends.”

A very elderly couple went to a see a sex therapist. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house, either. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medical insurance.”

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously, there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got on it again.

Finally, after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken-down car with three big-chested, beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said, “If you fix our car we will do anything you want.”

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished the three girls asked, “How could we ever repay you, mister?”

After thinking for a short while he replied, “Could you hold my camel?”

A teacher asks her class, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on Little Johnny to answer. He replies, “There are none left—they all fly away with the first gun shot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Johnny replies, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”