The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (103 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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“You bet,” came the excited reply.

“OK,” she said. “I’ll come back in ten minutes.”

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”

She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in the pocket of your pants with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have a good explanation.”

“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

“What was that for?” he complained.

“Your dog called last night.”

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Again the nurse replies, “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”

The head nurse was passing by and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

“Sister,” he mumbled, “are my testicles black?”

Being a nurse of longstanding experience, she was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama pants, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing is wrong with them!!!”

At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “That’s very nice, but are my test results back???”

Ask any man what a woman’s ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you: To have two men at once. According to a recent sociological study this is true; however, most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?

A. A penis—even a thought can raise it.

Between the ages of 16 and 18 she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35 she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45 she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

After 56 she is like Australia—everybody knows it’s down there but no one gives a damn.

A huge guy marries a tiny girl and, at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, “How the hell do the two of you have sex?”

The big guy says, “I just sit there, naked, on a chair. She sits on top and I bob her up and down.”

His friend says, “You know, that doesn’t sound too bad.”

The big guy says, “Well, it’s kind of like jerking off, only I’ve got somebody to talk to.”

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Mickey furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t try to stop me!” Mickey warned. “I’m going to do this three times a day, because there’s no way I’m going to get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister’s.”

One night two aliens landed their spaceship next to a gas station. There was a smart alien and a hooligan alien. They both went up to the gas pump and the hooligan alien looked at the pump and said, “Take me to your leader!”

Of course the gas pump said nothing. The smart alien said, “I don’t think that is a good idea.”

The hooligan alien looked at the pump again and demanded to be taken to the leader.

The smart alien said, “Really, that’s not a good idea.”

Losing his patience, the hooligan alien pulled his death ray and blew the gas station to pieces. Burnt and bruised, the hooligan alien looked at the smart alien and asked, “How did you know that wasn’t a good idea?”

The smart alien replied, “Anybody who can throw their dick over their shoulder has got to be a bastard!!!”