The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (114 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”

“Oh, come on now,” said my friend. “Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.”

“Yes, there was one girl—once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”

“Well, why didn’t you marry her?” asked my friend.

I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “She was looking for the perfect man.”

A woman is picked up by a famous sportsman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt, revealing all his tattoos, and she sees that on his arm is one that reads, “Reebok.” She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it.

He says, “When I play live on TV, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.” A bit later, as he takes his pants off, she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”

He says, “It’s cool, baby, in a minute it’s going to say ‘ADIDAS.’”

Q. What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common?

A. They were originally intended for children but it’s the men who play with them the most.

A cowboy gets captured by the Indians. They say they are going to put him to death, but before they do that, they will grant him three wishes. So, the cowboy thinks a moment and says,

“For my first wish, I want to talk to my horse.”

So the Indians bring his horse over, and the cowboy whispers into the horse’s ear. The horse goes trotting off, and comes back with a beautiful brunette on his back. The cowboy, upset, says to the Indians,

“For my second wish, I want to talk to my horse again.”

So, although perplexed, the Indians bring over his horse, and, again, the cowboy whispers into the horse’s ear. Again, the horse goes trotting off. The horse comes back about an hour later with a beautiful redhead on his back. At this, the cowboy is really mad. So the Indians ask what his final wish will be.

The cowboy again says, “Let me talk to my horse.”

He again whispers into the horse’s ear, and off trots the horse. He comes back an hour later with a BEAUTIFUL blonde on his back.

The cowboy—now furious—turns to the horse and shouts, “YOU STUPID ANIMAL... I SAID POSSE!”

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”

Q. What’s the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?

A. A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

A couple had just driven in to the supermarket parking lot when their car broke down.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was idly standing by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead and the smile wiped off his face!!

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender is busy at the other end and doesn’t see them when they walk in. When he’s done serving the customers there, he walks down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, “Yes. I’ll have a couple more.”

The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, “Why do you order two drinks at a time?”

The man replies, “Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife.”

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, “Your wife? Where is she?”

“She’s standing here next to me.”

The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward and looking over the edge of the bar, utters, “Well, I’ll be damned, she’s no bigger than your fist!”

The man replies, “No, but she’s a lot better!”