The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (116 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.”

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”

Q. What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?

A. The way they say ahhhh-men.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)

One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the bathroom. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tel la her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the bathroom. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to checkout and the man at the desk say, “Peace unto you.” I say, “Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.”

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age” and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up them things!”

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. “Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it.”

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “Well, what’d ye think?”

“Ah, but that’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed.

“Aye, and if ye like it, you’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

“Oh, that’s just dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, “Aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said, “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems. So without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body. Without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge—just an asshole.

A captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy-looking camel tied out in back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, we’re a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do we have the camel.”

The captain said, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

After he had been at the fort for about six months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

The sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfied, from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”