Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (104 page)
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Matt’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be announced that day, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”
“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”
A poor guy went to the hospital for a circumcision but, because of some mix up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
“Shit!” he moaned. “This means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!”
“Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed. “It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.
“Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?” she yelled.
“Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor.
“Well, yes, but…” stammered the woman.
“Well, lie back and spread ’em,” replied the doctor. “Were out of the bottled stuff, so you’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap.”
Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A. “How come?”
A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled back onto the road. A few minutes later, the first gay guy said, “Excuse me, but I have to fart.” He held his breath, and the truck driver heard a low Hsssssss.
A few miles down the road, the second gay guy announced, “Excuse me, but I have to fart.”
The announcement was followed by another low Hsssssss.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” the driver exclaimed. “You queers can’t even fart like men. Listen to this.” A moment later he emitted a deafening, staccato machine-gun burst from his ass.
“Ohhh!” one gay exclaimed, turning to the other. “You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!”
Two brothers enlisting in the army were having their medical exams. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”
“No sir,” said the younger brother, “our mother.”
“Your mother?” the doctor asked. “You idiot, women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bath, she had to manage as best as she could.”
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. “My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by attractive young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling,” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”
She kissed him and said, “First, let’s see you play that harmonica.”
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
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