The Girl of Diamonds and Rust (The Half Shell Series Book 3) (21 page)

I wish I understood me.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Neil sits on the edge of the bed, watching me pack.

“I don’t want you to go, Chrissie.”

The way he says that tells me he’s worried that my leaving is about more than wanting to go home to see Jack.

“We’ve been on the road six months,” I explain for what has got to be the tenth time. “I haven’t been home once. It’s my birthday. I’ve got to go home, Neil. Jack will get disappointed if I don’t.”

“If you wait a few weeks, there is a break in the schedule. We can go to Santa Barbara together.”

“My birthday is Saturday. I’m not changing my plans.”

I focus on neatly folding my clothes and tucking them into the bag to avoid meeting Neil’s unwavering stare.

Everything feels strained and awkward between us. Neil is definitely overreacting to my wanting to go home for a few days. But then, we’ve been off since he asked me to marry him. I know it hurt him that I didn’t say yes, but I’m not ready for marriage, and he should be willing to wait until I am.

I zip closed my bag and sink back to sit on my heels. God, I wish he’d stop looking at me that way.

“I’ll only be gone two weeks.” Then, deliberately silly, I add, “Unless after having me gone Josh has convinced you not to want me back.”

Neil chuckles softly, reluctant humor at best. “Not a chance. I’m going to miss you every day you’re gone.”

I walk on my knees across the carpet to him until I’m between his legs. I rub my hands atop his thighs. “You better miss me at night, too, or you’re going to have pissed-off Chrissie when I return.”

His laughter erupts in a more lighthearted way. He leans in and starts kissing me on my neck. “I will definitely miss you at night. Will you miss me?”

“Every second. I’ve gotten kind of used to having you around.”

He eases back, touching his nose to my nose. “Me too.”

I make a face. “I need to finish packing or I’ll miss my plane.”

I spring to my feet and go to the bathroom to collect my toiletries.

“Are you seeing Rene while you’re there?” I hear Neil ask from the bedroom.

I pop back into the room. “I don’t know yet. I called her to let her know I’d be in Santa Barbara, but she sort of blew me off and didn’t commit to anything. So I don’t know if I’ll see her.”

He rolls his eyes in that
Rene’s a bitch
kind of way. “What do you plan to do there for two weeks?”

“Go the beach every day. Get some sun. Hang out with Jack.
Not
be on a bus with the guys. Maybe sleep an entire day and night.”

“You make me jealous.”

“You should be. Santa Barbara sounds like heaven to me these days.”

His eyes cloud over again, troubled.
Crap, why did I say that?

I change the subject quickly. “I’m going to see your mom while I’m there. And your cousin Mia, too.”

“I know. They told me. My mom is really excited about spending time with you. It meant a lot to her that you made a point to call her and set up something.”

I smile. “I like your mom.”

“You like my family enough to become a Stanton?”

Oh damn.

“Definitely your strongest pro on the pros and cons list, Neil,” I taunt. “Your musical genius and sexiness rank only second and third. Family number one.”

He laughs and I search the room to see if I’ve forgotten anything. I feel frazzled and disoriented.

I sigh. “I think I’ve got everything.”

Neil stands and gently pulls me up against him. He buries his lips in my hair. “I’ll call you every night.”

“You had better call me every morning, too.”

“I want to go with you to the airport,” he says.

“Nope. I want to say goodbye here.”

~~~

I stare out the airplane window as we make a wide circle over the ocean and then start to descend. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed home until I could see Santa Barbara through the glass; the foothills, the mountains, the beaches, the clusters of track homes, and even the palm trees. It all looks so marvelous to me.

I feel a series of bumps, landing gear touching earth, and then I hear the loud whoosh of the rapid slowing of the plane on the short runways we have here.

Everyone starts moving even though the flight attendant hasn’t opened the doors. I climb from my first-class seat and take my small black bag from the overhead bin.

Light floods the cabin, and I step out onto the metal steps, feeling the California sunshine warm my cheeks even in mid-November and smelling the sweetness of clean ocean air.

I make my way across the tar-stained, uneven concrete of the tarmac and step into the courtyard outside the terminal.

Surprise jolts through my limbs as I spot Jack waiting on a bench. It is the first time he hasn’t stayed with the car when picking me up at the airport. Tears mist my eyes.

Jack comes to me and takes me in a sloppy bear hug. “I’ve missed you, baby girl. I’m so glad you’re home.”

“Me too, Daddy. I’ve really missed you. But you better stop hugging me or I’ll start crying right here.”

“Go ahead and cry, baby girl. It’s nice to know you’re glad to see me.”

He holds me as if he doesn’t want to let me go, and I realize he’s spent a lot of time worrying about me the past six months. He saw me off in Seattle. He didn’t want me to go on the road with Neil, and the memory of how he’d stood there watching me leave vividly fills my head.

He holds my face with his palms. “You look great. Are you doing OK, Chrissie?”

I nod, smiling up at him. “I’m good. Neil’s good. He told me to say hi for him and to tell you he’s sorry he couldn’t be here.”

Jack places a light kiss on my cheek, then takes my black case. “Let’s find your suitcase so we can get you out of the airport.”

We wait in the baggage claim area for only a few minutes. Jack grabs my duffel from the cart, and we head out to the front drop-off loop.

He opens my door. “Anything special you want to do while you’re home?”

“Just stay home,” I say and he smiles at me as I climb into my seat.

I watch as he tosses my bags in the back, then settles in the driver’s seat.

I frown. “New car?”

Jack starts driving from the airport. “New car. The lease was up on the Volvo. I swapped it out for this. I wasn’t sure what you wanted.”

I laugh. “I’m old enough to get my own cars, Daddy.”

“Not a chance. I like taking care of my girl.”

I settle more into my seat. It feels really good, better than any other time before, to be home. I don’t know why, but it feels incredible today.

I roll down the window and let the air tease my hair as we drive past the beach and turn onto the freeway.

I feel Jack’s gaze on me.

“Happy to be home?”

I turn from the window. “Ecstatic.”

Jack laughs. “The road can do that. Nothing makes home look better than the road.”

I smile, but I’m not sure if that’s what I’m feeling, relief to be off the road, or even if that’s why this feels so good to be here. There’s been a quietness in me that I didn’t expect since I left Neil at the hotel.

Strange. It makes no sense to be feeling this way. I’ve just left him alone on tour, where every night is filled with hundreds of girls panting after him, hot for his boxers. I should feel anxious not peaceful. Guys lie for guys. He could do anything he wanted while I’m gone and no one would ever tell me.

I should be suspicious. Paranoid. Jealous. Those feelings would be logical. Not this odd sense of almost relief to be taking a break from each other.

What a strange girl I am. My internal processes rarely ever are normal. Like my reaction to the marriage proposal. I feel myself getting emotionally messy all over again, and push the memory from my mind.

“What’s weighing so heavily on your mind, baby girl?” Jack asks, startling me. “Something tells me you didn’t come home just to be with me for your birthday. Something is bothering you, Chrissie.”

I shrug and stare out the window. I surprise myself by saying, “Neil asked me to marry him.”

Jack smiles. “Not exactly a shocker. Neil’s twenty-eight. Things are starting to take off for him. He knows what he wants.”

A long moment of quiet passes that feels as if Jack is waiting for me to tell him what my answer was. “What did you say?” he asks, finally.

We drive beneath the high black metal arch into Hope Ranch. I didn’t plan on discussing this with Jack, I don’t know why I am, but we’re nearly home so I can escape this conversation quickly if it grows too uncomfortable.

“I said maybe,” I answer softly.

“Oh,” Jack replies heavily.

I arch a brow. “What is that supposed mean?
Oh
?”

Jack makes a quiet, sort of sympathetic laugh. “Maybe doesn’t mean maybe in this situation. Maybe is
no
. How’d Neil take that?”

Crap, that’s exactly what Neil said. Is there some guy code book somewhere in this world that all men get? My maybe meant maybe. I don’t know what I want yet.

“He was hurt, but you know Neil. He got over it fast. And everything is fine.”

“So why did you say no?” Jack asks, and I can tell that’s far from a simple question. He wants to know if there is something he should be concerned about between Neil and me.

I shake my head. “Because I’m not sure. Not ready yet or even sure if marriage is the right thing for me.”

Jack makes an approving nod. “Then keep saying maybe, baby girl. It has to be the right thing for both of you for it to be a good thing for either of you.”

I frown. “How do you know, Daddy, when it’s right? Everything with Neil is really good. I just don’t know if it’s right.”

Jack laughs. “You’ll know when you know. Don’t worry about it. When something is
right
it isn’t something you can miss.”

I study my dad for a moment. I’ve always wanted to know this and have never asked, but we just rummaged around in my personal life, so shouldn’t it be fair for me to rummage in his?

“Why haven’t you remarried?” I ask.

Jack’s eyes remain forward on the road, but there is a strange look on his face.

“I almost did. Once,” he says quietly.

Holy shit.
I wasn’t expecting that one. How could he have a relationship serious enough to contemplate marriage without me ever knowing about it?

My eyes widen to their fullest and I turn in my seat until I’m directly facing him.

“Who? When? How? What happened?”

Jack gives me an amused look.

“I’m not answering all that. And you don’t need to know the details. It didn’t work out.”

“Why didn’t it work out?”

He shakes his head, exasperated with me giving him more questions.

“It doesn’t matter why. I’ve had a good life, Chrissie. No one gets everything that they want. Having enough is a pretty damn fine thing. I have enough.”

I watch him as we pull into the driveway, and suddenly I remember that day when Maria told me about Jack’s
long-term lady friend
. I wonder if the
long-term lady friend
is the woman Jack wanted to marry, if he still loves her, and if I will ever meet her.

He hops from the car and moves quickly to get my bag. For once it looks like he’s running from one of our father/daughter chats.

I climb from the car, shaking my head. Why doesn’t Jack share the details of his personal life with me the way he expects me to share mine with him?

He opens the front door for me, smiling as he waits for me to enter. Conversation over. Well, maybe we’ve both talked enough serious shit for one day.

Jack goes in one direction to put my suitcases in my room and I make my way through the rooms, poking my head in here and there, looking for Maria. I pause at the entry to the family room.

Maria is sitting on the couch, folding laundry and watching her Spanish soap opera. Well, it’s noon. Even my coming home today doesn’t change her routine. Her eyes are fixed on the set, and she doesn’t even notice I’m here.

“Well, this is anticlimactic,” I say. “Not even a hello.”

Maria whirls on the sofa, and her round matronly face brightens with excitement.

“Chica. You are home. ¿Cómo está mi niña?”

Mi niña
. My girl. Warmth moves through my veins. I feel really home, finally; I’ve now heard
mi niña
from Maria. I’m home.

“I’ve missed you, Maria.” I drop down on the couch beside her and she quickly pulls me into her arms. “I’m so glad to see you.”

She lays a palm on my cheek. “I am glad to see you, Chrissie. You look good. Everything going well for you?”

I nod, sinking down to sit cuddled up against her. “I’m doing great.”

She nods in a serious way, as if the important matters have been taken care of, and then starts folding the laundry again. I bite back my laughter.

“¿Tu novio no está aquí?”

I stare at her and frown. Nope, can’t translate that one.

“What does
novio
mean?”

Maria arches a brow. “Ah, you forget your Spanish, Chrissie. You have been from home too long. It means fiancé. Boyfriend.” She stares at me with wide eyes and makes a funny face. “Neil.”

I laugh. “I don’t hear a lot of Spanish these days. I’m surrounded by surfer boys and Brits.”

“So where is Neil?” she asks, in that nosy mother sort of way.

“Working. He wanted to come with me, but he couldn’t. He told me to ask if you would make enchiladas to take back to him. We can’t get good Mexican food on the east coast.”

“I like him.” She nods, takes a fast peek at the action on the TV, and then glances back at me. “He is a good boy. Remind me, Chrissie. I’ll make tamales just for him. You can take those back. They’ll travel better.”

My brows hitch up as I pull back from her. “Tamales, huh? You don’t even make tamales for me when I ask for them. Jeez, you are such a pushover for a cute guy.”

Maria gives me a stern look, but her cheeks flush a tad. “You are so full of it.”

I smile. “I’m glad you like Neil. I couldn’t date him if you didn’t.”

She rolls her eyes. “Chrissie does what Chrissie wants to do.”