The Girl Who Never Was (18 page)

He pulls at me feebly. 'Dry,'he says. 'You're dry.'He slurs the sentence together.

I'm not really dry, but I suppose, to him, I feel like a day in the desert. I get the gist of what he is trying to do, cuddling close to him, and he buries his face against my neck, leaving me covered with rain, but hopefully leaving himself drier. He is still shivering in my arms, but he does sigh with relief. 'Say my name again,'I tell him, pulling the blanket up over both our heads.

'Selkie Stewart,'he says against my skin. 'Selkie Stewart, Selkie Stewart, Selkie Stewart.'He is shivering less now, and he is holding me more tightly, and that is a relief, that he is no longer limp. 'Oh, Selkie Stewart,'he says. 'It was so silly of you to come.'

'I'm so sorry,'I choke out. 'I didn't mean to make it worse.'

'You haven't made it worse. It's almost exactly the same. Except now you come and bring me blankets. Selkie Stewart. I'm so happy to see you.'

It is absurd, because we have never been in more dire straits, but those words warm me all the way down to my toes. I close my eyes and think how I love him, how I must get him out

of here, keep him safe, the way he kept me safe for however long it was in this world without time. 'Likewise,'I manage to tell him, combing his damp hair away from my mouth.

He hums contentedly into my neck. I can feel his wet eyelashes brushing raindrops against my skin. I hold him, absently patting him dry with the blanket as much as I can without dislodging him. His breaths are evening out, which is a relief, as I suspect they'd been ragged since we left him that morning.

'I'm going to get you out of here,'I promise him.

'Are you?'He sounds amused. 'Do you have a plan? How very ogre of you.'

'Well. Not really,'I admit.

'Then it's a good thing I do, isn't it?'

'Oh, thank goodness,'I say, relieved. 'What is it?'

'Well, it's not an especially good one. It involves continuing to breathe.'

'That is a terrible plan, Ben.'

'It's a pretty good plan for a faerie, I'll have you know. We're not exactly natural planners. And I'm so wet, I'm always so wet. If you can keep bringing me blankets, I might be able to get dry enough to think one of these days, and then maybe I can'Maybe I can''He falls silent for a second. 'No one's ever escaped Tir na nOg, Selkie.'

I consider, in that moment, telling him about his mother, that she was rumored to have been the only faerie to ever escape Tir na nOg, but I'm not sure that's the best information

to impart at this moment, when I need him focused on escaping, not his mother. 'Don't talk like that,'I tell him.

'There has to be a way, I just can't put the pieces together. If I could just get dry''

'All right,'I say soothingly, brushing at his hair. I have never touched his hair before today. I have always wanted to, of course, but I have never done it. It is lovely hair, soft and thick, and I wish it wasn't wet. It seems, somehow, not like Ben's hair like this. 'Tell me the pieces; I'll put them together for you.'

'We can use Safford,'he says. 'You met Safford?'

'With the hot air balloon?'

'Yes. He's my cousin. Not that they know that or they'd never'He remembers'He remembers'We can use Safford, he'll help, as much as he can, but I don't know how'We'd have to get me over this moat, and I can't'I can't''

'You could jump it, Ben. It's not that wide.'

He is shivering again, and I can tell it is at just the idea of doing it. 'I can't,'he says. 'I can't.'

'All right,'I say. 'Shhh. All right. We'll figure out a way to get you over this moat. Ben, I swear to you, I'll get you dry.'

He stops shivering and chuckles against me. 'I'm supposed to be protecting you, you know. We've got this all mixed up.'

'This is going to even our debt,'I tell him. 'After this, you're on your own.'

I am joking, and luckily, he realizes it. He laughs, full- fledged, and cuddles me closer.

'What about your enchantment? I don't want you to be imprisoned.'

'It doesn't work that way. It protects you, not me. I don't have enough energy to protect both of us.'

'Is it taking up a lot of your energy, my enchantment?'

'Forget about it, Selkie.'

'If you can only protect one of us, you should''

'Can you not waste the energy I have left fighting with me? Be nice to me.'

'I'm always nice to you,'I say. 'I just think''

'No,'he says, his voice stony and stubborn, and it's actually good to hear him momentarily energetic, even if it is an energy being channeled into disagreeing with me. 'I will fight you on this until I have no fight left in me, and only then will you win this argument.'

Because those aren't exactly circumstances under which I want to win, I let silence fall, thinking.

'So there's Safford,'I muse eventually. 'And maybe I could figure out how to make a silver bough?'It's the only thing I can think of, the only vague plan I have, the idea that maybe I could get someone in to help us.

'How would you ever find out how to make a silver bough? Only Seelies know how to'Oh.'He cuts himself off. 'Yes. Seelie blood. Of course.'

There is an awkward silence. I feel like remembering I'm a Seelie has made Ben uneasy.

'I'm still me,'I assure him. 'Look. I'm still me.'

'Yes,'agrees Ben. 'But they make you forget. That's what they do. They make you forget''

'I'm not going to forget,'I vow.

Ben takes a deep breath, lays his head back down, no longer buried in my neck but tipped against mine, so that our foreheads touch comfortingly. 'A silver bough,'he says after a moment. 'That means we could get someone else in. We could work with that. We could'Maybe we could do this'If you could figure out'But, really, how would you''

I think about the moat. How can I get him over the water'?

'Ben,'I say abruptly.

He jumps, and I realize he'd fallen asleep. 'What?'he whispers, tense, and I think that he must assume I've woken him because someone is coming.

'I don't think anyone knows I'm here,'I assure him.

'Oh, of course they know you're here,'he snaps at me. 'How do you think you even got here?'

'I don't know, I thought maybe your enchantment'I wanted to find you''

'It's not about what you want. It's about what you don't want. People can't make you do what you don't want to do.'

'I didn't want to be lost.'

'Not being lost doesn't necessarily mean finding me.'

'Yes,'I insist. 'It does.'

'You could find me and still be lost,'he points out.

'I wouldn't be lost anymore, because I'd be with you.'

Ben looks at me for a long moment, his expression as

inscrutable as always, and I wonder if I've gone too far, said too much, and I want to take it back. But when he eventually speaks, what he says is, 'They're just waiting for you to forget. That's all it is. They're waiting for your Seelie blood to kick in, and you'll forget Boston and your aunts, and me.'

'But I won't forget. I have ogre blood,'I remind him. 'You can't forget that I'm not going to forget, okay? Can they hear what we're saying?'I have no idea how faerie magic really works.

'No. Not unless they're here in the room with us, and they're not.'

I find his hand and squeeze it. 'Ben, whenever it snowed in Boston, it didn't bother you.'

'Oh,'he says. 'Snow isn't really wet. Not until it melts. But as long as it was snow, no, that doesn't bother me.'

'So if we could freeze the moat''I suggest. I shift so I can see him under our blanket.

'I could walk over the ice,'he realizes. He looks at me, and even in the darkness, I can tell how relieved he is. 'I could walk over the ice!'he exclaims. 'Selkie, you're brilliant.'

'Glad you finally recognized it,'I tell him lightly.

'Oh, I recognized it ages ago. I just kept it to myself,'he rejoins. 'Now we just have to figure out how to freeze the moat.'

He says it like it's a simple problem. I decide to let him think it is. Anyway, I am thinking of other things.

'Do all faeries work that way?'I muse.

'Work what way?'

'Well, not all faeries are bothered by water. Clearly my mother isn't.'

'No,'he replies. 'Some are, some aren't.'

'Like an allergy.'

'If you like.'

'Don't the Seelies have anything like that? Anything at all?'

'It's church bells,'says Ben. 'Everyone knows that. Seelies love chiming bells, but church bells weaken them. But I'd like to see you try to get a church bell over Mag Mell. The Seelies would name you immediately.'

Not if they don't know, I think.

Ben wakes me. I do not know how long I have been sleeping, but it is still dark in the cell; I can tell even through the blanket.

'You have to go,'he says, sounding heavy to admit it. 'If they find you here in the morning'They know you're here, but I'd rather not'You have to go.'

I know he's right. I sigh and look at Ben, hesitant, trying to think what to say in farewell. Ben is staring intently at my sweatshirt.

'What?'I ask and look down at it. 'Is there something wrong with it?'

'No.'He shakes his head, and then he smiles at me. 'Just thinking again how'You remembered.'

'Of course I remembered,'I tell him.

'I wasn't sure you would. I hoped, of course, but I wasn't sure.'

I think of how much I missed him, even when I didn't remember'of how the Common felt empty, of how I longed for his unusual pale eyes. 'Don't be silly,'I say. 'How could I not remember you? I will never forget you. I will always remember you.'

There is a very nice moment when we lay there under our blanket and smile at each other, and I wish we'd done things like this when our lives were relatively normal.

'Promise me you won't leave me again,'I say.

A shadow passes over his face. 'Selkie,'he starts.

'No.'I shake my head vehemently. 'You won't leave me, and I won't leave you. From now on, we do this prophecy thing'or we don't do it'together.'

He is silent for a long time.

'Ben,'I say worryingly.

He winces.

'Oh,'I realize. 'Sorry, I didn't mean'it's frustrating. How can I keep from naming you every time I say your name?'

'I told you,'says Ben, 'it's about intent.'

'I didn't mean to hurt you then.'

'Maybe not, but you were displeased with me, and you're actually a very good namer who doesn't quite have control over it yet, so''

'I'm sorry,'I say, meaning it. I may have been miffed at him but that's very different from wanting to cause him pain, and I wish my naming power would understand that.

'It's fine,'says Ben. 'It has some advantages. When you say my name like you like me, it's actually very nice.'

'Is it?'

He nods. 'I discovered that last night. That's not true of most namers'or at least, none I've met. Maybe I've just never met any who liked me.'He shrugs, looking unconcerned about this.

'Maybe it's my ogre blood,'I suggest.

'Perhaps,'he allows.

I look across at him for a moment. Our blanket is saturated by now, sopping wet and heavy over us. Ben is not dry'far from it'but he's drier than he was. He looks bedraggled and exhausted, but he is still Ben. Ben, Ben, my Ben, who got himself locked up in this terrible prison just to keep me safe.

'Ben,'I say, and what I mean is I love you. He blinks, so slowly that it's more like he closes his eyes for a moment. I hesitate, but it seems appropriate to our current coziness to reach out and brush his tangled hair off his forehead. 'Ben, Ben, Ben,'I repeat softly, trying to make sure that I'm saying it like I like him, like I love him. I want my tone to be dripping with love for him. I want him to be more drenched by my love than he currently is by the water all around us. I want him to realize what it is I'm saying in asking him to promise.

'Yes,'he says, his voice sounding husky and his gaze very intent. 'That's much better.'

'Is it?'I can't get my voice to be louder than a whisper. My hand is still resting in his hair. I feel it would be awkward to withdraw it now.

'I promise,'he says, and then he breaks the moment, pulling away slightly

I gather myself, moving my hand away from his hair, and then roll out from underneath the blanket, getting to my

feet. Ben stands beside me, sweeping the blanket off of himself and handing it to me. He winces a bit as the drizzle spits at his cheeks.

'Keep it,'I say.

'No, you need to take it. I don't want them to find it here.'

I know he is probably right, but I am loath to take it. Ben looks severely miserable in the wetness attacking him now.

I reluctantly gather the blanket into my arms. 'You should say my name a couple more times,'I say. 'It would do you good.'

He shakes his head. 'Not really. Unless you think we'll be escaping today. I'd rather save it until I truly need it. It can get diluted if you use it too often. Anyway, you just helped, saying my name the way you just did.'

'Ah,'I say, a little embarrassed. I watch Ben give the rain a glum look before futilely pulling up his collars and adjusting his coats. Then he sends me a falsely cheerful smile. 'When we get out of here,'I promise him, 'we can go to some world that's never even heard of the concept of water.'

'You won't last there very long,'he points out.

'I'll bring some water bottles.'I shrug.

He laughs and then abruptly turns serious. 'Listen to me,'he says and closes his hands around my shoulders. 'You are you. You are not one of them. Don't think of yourself that way. Don't let them trick you into thinking that way.'

'I won't,'I promise.

His faerie eyes, bright silver-blue in the darkness, flicker

over my face for a moment. Then he drops his hands from my shoulders. 'Be careful. Keep breathing.'

I nod, then lean up and quickly kiss his cheek before I can overthink it. Then, because I know I am blushing, I quickly take my running leap over the moat.

When I look back at him, he is standing hunched into his coats, looking awful. I send him a little wave, feeling a bit like an idiot. I think he flickers a small smile back at me, but I can't quite be sure.