The Glass Knot-mmf (16 page)

Tears
of relief sprang forth, gushing down my cheeks. My chest did that annoying
thing it always did when I was overwhelmed with emotion, it heaved upward in
several shuddering gasps. “Oh, thank God, he’ll be okay then?” I managed, my
nose joining in on the drama and beginning to drip.

“In
theory.” Nick handed me a napkin. “Here.”

I
mopped at my face. Battled to bring my breathing under control and blinked away
my tears. After sniffing loudly and not very elegantly, I took a sip of coffee.
The plump lady behind the counter stared at me. “Nick, I—”

“Laura,
please, just hear me out.” He reached forward, and to my surprise, took my hand.
His grip was firm and warm and he tugged my arm so he could encase my hand
between both of his.

The
gesture was so unexpected and so intense that we both paused and just looked at
one another. A memory flooded my thoughts, me reaching out to touch him, in the
garden, him reacting with such venom. “Don’t touch me” he’d said.

But
that was the last reaction I thought about having. His touch was instantly
soothing and just what I needed. My heart rate settled and my stomach stopped
its nauseating twirling. I let a little bit of his calm strength seep into me.

I
placed my other hand on the top of his. “Nick?” My gaze turned his name into a
question.

“He’s
at home now, due back at work next week. The doctor is pleased with him.” He
paused. “But he’s not right, he’s so…unhappy.”

“Unhappy?”

Nick
swallowed then gave a resigned shrug. “He misses you, Laura. I think…I think you’ve
broken his heart.”

His
words ricocheted around my head like bullets in a barrel. “No, no, that’s not
true. You don’t know what you’re saying.” I went to tug my hands from his but
he clutched my wrists and held me firm.

Josh
never loved me. How could I have broken his heart?

“I
know Josh better than anyone else in the world,” Nick said. “And I know when
his mind is distracted he doesn’t concentrate. In his line of work that’s when
accidents happen.”

“Are
you saying it’s my fault, him having a beam fall on him? I was the distraction?”
I could hardly believe it.

“No,
no, not at all, it was lots of things,” Nick said quickly. “He’s been missing
you, been racked with guilt about what he’s put me through and all the time
trying to sift through his own feelings and understand what it means.”

“What
it means?”

“What
it means to be attracted to a woman. Not just that, but he’s so attracted to
you that he can’t help himself when you’re around, and when you’re not around,
he feels like there’s a gaping hole in his life.”

“He
told you that?”

Surely
not.

Nick
smiled sadly. “Not in as many words.”

“But,
but, he can’t feel like that, he’s with you. You’re married. He’ll have to get
over it.” I finally pulled from his grip and reached for my coffee. “There can
be nothing between us, ever.”

“Says
who?”

I
stared at Nick’s tense jawline, his flattened lips and the small scar on his
chin. “Says you,” I said. “You said there could never be more than one night
between us, and despite our terrible, awful slip up, I really do accept that. You
have every right to make that demand. Josh is yours.”

He
sighed. “Exactly, which is why I also get to change the rules.”

“What
do you mean?”

He
leaned forward, right across the table. His lovely spiced scent wafted toward
me. “Josh is at home, no doubt in bed. He’s not eating properly, he’s not doing
the chest physiotherapy he’s supposed to, and the chances of him getting back
to work next week are pretty slim if he stays in this low mood.”

“But
what has that got to do with me? Why aren’t you there, with him?”

“Because,
Laura, for the first time ever in our relationship, I’m not enough—”

“I’m
sure that’s not true. He loves you so much, he’s told me, I’ve seen it in his
eyes, you’re his world, his everything.”

“It
seems not quite everything.”

There
was a long silence. I sifted through this new information and wondered exactly
what Nick was hoping from me.

“I
need you to come back to Barn View with me,” he said. “Today. Now.”

Oh
God, really? Doesn’t he know I can’t be trusted?

“But,
why? What difference will that make?”

“I
love Josh with every last shred of my soul, and I will do anything, anything to
make him happy and well again. Even…” He paused. “Even if that means letting
him have you in his life, Laura.”

I
had a sudden sensation of spinning through space, freefalling, as though my
world had been turned upside down. Nick was going to allow me into Josh’s life?
But in what context? Friends? Lovers? Email buddies?

“He’s
obviously physically attracted to you, but the way he smiles when you’re in the
room and how his face lights up when you laugh, it’s clear there’s more between
you.”

I
shook my head and dropped my gaze to my lap.

His
voice deepened. “Don’t deny it, Laura.”

“I’m
not, there is something between us. I couldn’t have, you know, that night and
in the…in the barn, if I didn’t have strong feelings for him.”

“So
come back with me, do whatever it is you do that makes him happy…please.”

“But,
but what about you? You don’t want me there.”

“If
I didn’t want you there I wouldn’t have told Josh I was visiting a client and
driven all the way to London today, would I?”

“I
don’t know.” The thought of being in the cottage again, with Josh, was
wonderful. But Nick hovering around, watching us. I couldn’t understand how it
would work. “I have to think about it.”

“What
is there to think about? You clearly care deeply for Josh and he needs you.”

“I
just—”

“I
won’t cause a problem, I promise. I just want him to get well, and it seems
you’re the cure.” He sipped at his coffee then directed me with his determined,
no-nonsense stare. “Now shall we go and get your bag packed?”

Much
as I resented being told what to do, what choice did I have? I missed Josh the
way I would miss all four of my limbs and here was a chance to go to him. Not
only that, it seemed he needed me, missed me too.

And
Nick? Nick I believed
did
want me there. I also believed he’d keep to
his word. His devotion to Josh was so complete. But hadn’t I known right from
the beginning that he’d do anything for him? Anything at all.

“Okay.
Give me twenty minutes and I’ll be back.”

Soon
we were leaving the London congestion and heading toward the countryside. Gray high-rises
and sprawling housing estates changed to gentle green hills and wide fields,
many of which were a vibrant yellow as the oilseed came to bloom.

Nick’s
car sped almost silently along in the fast lane. It was a sleek, metallic black
Bentley, and I’d never traveled in such luxury before. The inside was pale
cream leather, the dashboard shiny walnut. It smelled of polish and Nick’s unique
and deliciously rich aftershave.

I
settled back and let the classical music playing from the radio wash over me. I
told myself to relax, think rationally, but it was hard when my heart was
skipping with joy and anticipation. Not just that I was going to see Josh, but
also the fact that Nick didn’t hate me.

Glancing
across, I had an overwhelming urge to touch him again. I adored his long
forearms, the way the slim bones in his wrists were slightly rounded, how the
dense, masculine hair on his arms skimmed over the tendons onto the back of his
hand.

“Nick.”

He
turned to me, briefly taking his focus off the road. “Yes.”

“I…did…?”

“Just
say it, Laura. The time for hiding anything is gone.”

“You
must have been so angry, so hurt when you found out about Josh and me in the
barn, how did you—?”

“How
did I forgive him?” He tightened his hands on the steering wheel, his knuckles
paled.

“Yes.”

He
sighed and his grip eased. “It was easy when it came down to it. That phone call
from the chief telling me to get myself to the hospital made it all pale into
insignificance. What had made my blood boil, torn my heart, no longer even
seemed important, barely a scratch. I realized, between one heartbeat and the
next, that what would really shred my soul was if Josh died. That I would never
recover from.”

I
nodded and stared ahead, absently watching cars weaving in and out of the
lanes.

“I
sat at his side that whole day and night while he was unconscious,” Nick went
on. “They did a head scan, nothing showed up. X-rayed his chest, it didn’t look
too bad but they couldn’t rule out hypoxic damage.”

“What’s
that?”

“Lack
of oxygen to the brain caused by smoke inhalation. It would have been
irreversible.”

“But
he is okay?”

“Physically,
yeah, he’ll be perfectly fine after these last few days of rest and relaxation.
The stitches in his head came out a while ago.” He indicated and took the slip
road. “So I sat there in the dead of the night, holding his hand, looking at
his beautiful face and watching his chest rise and fall, praying to any God that
would listen that I’d make everything right between us. I made every deal I
could think of, promising I would understand him better, make his life complete
every way I could.”

“Did
any of his family come?”

“No.
He has a very tenuous relationship with them, because of me, because of our
marriage. There has been very little contact over the last few years. It makes
me feel even more responsible for looking after him. He sacrificed a lot to be
with me.”

I
reached over and rested the tips of my fingers on his shoulder.

He
turned to me.

“And
who looks after you, Nick? If you’re always so worried about caring for Josh,
who cares for you?”

He
stared back at the road. “I’m fine.”

“I
don’t think you are, not really. This has been a horrible few weeks for you.”

He
swallowed and his Adam’s apple bobbed.

“I
know you’re a few years older than him,” I said softly, “and me for that
matter, but I hope we can be friends. I hope you’ll talk to me, let me help you
if you need anything. After actually losing someone you love,
nearly
losing
someone is one of the scariest things ever.”

“It
was pretty scary.” He rested a hand over mine, and flashed me a sad, tired
smile. “And thanks, for the offer of friendship. I’ll take you up on it.”

I
nodded and squeezed his shoulder, he tightened his hand over mine, briefly, and
then our physical contact was over. We lapsed into silence, but it was
comfortable and for the first time I felt we’d connected. Josh had brought us
together, sure, but now there was an agreement between Nick and I and being
friends sounded like the best way forward.

Nick
parked in the converted barn, next to Josh’s electric blue Subaru. He made a
comment that it hadn’t been aired for a few weeks as he lifted my case from the
trunk, and that he ought to take it out for a spin.

As
we walked through the orchard the cottage was still and quiet, the upstairs
curtains closed.

“Do
you want a cup of tea?” Nick asked, stepping into the kitchen and placing down
my case.

“No,
I’m fine. I just want to see him.”

“Of
course. He’ll be upstairs, in our room. You know where it is.”

I
nodded and walked around the island, being careful not to glance at its shiny
surface for now was not the time to be bombarded with images of Josh fucking
Nick over it.

“Laura,”
Nick said.

I
paused and turned. “Yes?”

“Just…please,
will you let me be part of it, whatever you have with Josh? Don’t exclude me,
don’t hide things from me. I couldn’t bear to be an outsider in my own home, in
my own relationship.”

“That’s
the last thing I intend to do.” It twisted me up inside to think of causing
Nick more pain, or creating more distressing situations for him to cope with.
“Of course you can be part of it. I want you to be.”

He
filled the kettle and I waited, sensing he had more to say. After flicking on
the switch he turned to me again. “It’s all different now, nothing is the same
as it was before. I’m immensely grateful that you’re here.”

I
was silent. The kettle creaked to life. Nick’s attitude was so different to
last time. It was hard to get used to.

“And,”
Nick said, “if you go upstairs and make love to him now then it’s with my
blessing.”

Bloody
hell. Was I going to make love to Josh? Now? I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
Terrifying images of the accident were too fresh in my mind. “Thank you, that
means a lot to me, but, I don’t know if I will, I just want to see him, hold
him.”