The God Box (3 page)

Dakota pulled a chair out for him.Elizabeth opened her mouth, about to say something, just as her boyfriend, Cliff, strode over, on his way to his usual table with his football teammates."Hey," he said to our group. "How's it going?"Cliff was a large straw-haired boy with a hard jaw and muscle-packed body. A linebacker on the varsity team, his massive shoulders gave him the appearance of being about to burst from his clothes at any moment, like the Incredible Hulk.Elizabeth gave him a frosty glance, apparently still angry at him for talking to his ex. But Cliff seemed indifferent."We'll be meeting for Bible Club in room 132." His gruff, husky tenor added to the impression of contempt. "Let everyone know." His steely blue eyes shifted to Manuel, focusing on his eyebrow ring."Cliff?" Dakota said. "Meet Manuel."'"Sup?" Manuel nodded to him and Cliff replied, "You coming to Bible study this afternoon?"Elizabeth's jaw clenched at the suggestion. Mine did too."Yeah, come!" Angie cut in. "I was going to invite you.""Thanks." Manuel smiled at the offer. "I'd like to, but I've got a dentist appointment after school."Elizabeth's face relaxed, mirroring my own relief."But hey," Manuel said, "can I take a rain check?""Of course." Cliff's eyes flashed restlessly around the room. "Anytime."Elizabeth stood abruptly and said to Cliff, "Can I talk with you?"21"Yeah, sure." Cliff looked a little taken aback by her sudden change toward him. "See y'all later."Elizabeth whisked her tray off the table, leading Cliff away. After a few steps she said something to him, and he paused a moment, glancing over his shoulder at us with a hard gaze. Had Elizabeth told him about Manuel?While Angie, Dakota, and I silently watched them continue across the cafeteria, Manuel sliced into his roast beef."The food's pretty decent here," he commented, oblivious to the lunch table melodrama that had just played out.22

BIBLE CLUB MET ON A FAIRLY LOOSE SCHEDULE, SINCE ALL OF US WERE

HEAVILY INVOLVED IN AFTER-SCHOOL ACTIVITIES. OUR CLUB ADVISOR, VICE

PRINCIPAL RUSSELL, LEFT US PRETTY MUCH ALONE, PROBABLY FIGURING WE

WERE GOOD CHRISTIAN KIDS UNLIKELY TO GET INTO ANY TROUBLE.I was walking down the hall toward room 132 when Elizabeth and Cliff came from the opposite direction, murmuring in low voices."Hey!" Cliffs eyes latched onto me. "Why didn't you warn me that guy was gay?""Warn you?" "Yeah!" Cliff leaned into me. "Why were you sitting with him at lunch?"Even though Cliff was only slightly taller than me, his muscles made him seem twice as large. Nevertheless, his hostile tone annoyed me. "I didn't sit with him. He sat with us.""Same thing," Cliff sneered. "Watch out you don't get a reputation."His comment irritated me, mostly because I knew it was true. But what was I supposed to do about it?Inside the classroom, Angie and Dakota had already begun moving chairs into a circle, assisted by a half dozen other students.

It was23a warm afternoon, and the AC had already been shut off, so I opened the windows, hoping the fresh air would help calm me down.I had always loved our school club Bible studies. I cherished the fellowship of the Spirit and valued hearing the perspectives of my friends.As everybody got settled, Angie, as the day's leader, asked Elizabeth to start us in prayer."Heavenly Father," Elizabeth began, "we ask your Holy Spirit to cleanse our hearts and open our minds to receive your Holy Word. We ask you this in Jesus' name. Amen.""Amen," everyone echoed.For our discussion, Angie had selected John 4, the story of the woman at the well. It had always been one of my favorites. I loved the image of Jesus as "living water," able to quench any thirst for all eternity.Each of us had brought his or her own Bible. I'd brought the one my ma had given me for First Communion. Over the years its leather cover had grown worn, the pages had gotten dog-eared, and countless verses had been underlined, marking my spiritual growth.Angie began reading the chapter aloud, telling how Jesus traveled to Galilee and '"had to pass through Samar'ia.'""As I researched that passage," Angie interjected, "I read a commentary that said this wasn't literally true."Cliff glanced up from his Bible, shooting a look at Angie. As a fundamentalist minister's son, he believed passionately in the inerrancy of the Bible. Anytime anyone questioned the literalness of a passage, Cliff debated it vehemently."In fact," Angie continued, "most Jewish people in Jesus' time traveled from Judea to Galilee through the Jordan Rift Valley in order to avoid passing through Samaria. They believed Samaritan people were ritually unclean and that contact with them would24render a Jewish person unclean too. So Jews went out of their way. The phrase 'He had to pass' was probably a traditional way of saying the events that transpired were no accident but happened as part of God's will."Cliff leaned back in his seat, apparently satisfied that Angie's explanation hadn't discredited Holy Scripture.Angie continued reading to us from the chapter. Jesus met a woman at Jacob's well: "Jesus said to her,

"Give me a drink." For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food. The Samaritan woman said to him, "How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samar'ia?" For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.'""Okay." Angie paused again and her voice became animated. "I thought this was really interesting. When Jesus asked the Samaritan woman for a drink, he violated a number of ancient customs. First, that Jesus even started a conversation with a Samaritan demonstrated a rejection of Jewish mores of that time. Second, that Jesus would talk with a woman as an equal went against a culture of male superiority. Restrictions against speaking with women were so strict that a rabbi (or teacher, such as Jesus) wasn't even allowed to speak with his own wife, daughter, or sister in public. And third, that Jesus started a conversation with a woman he knew (as we'll read later) to have a bad moral reputation was even more shocking and significant. So, for Jesus to travel through Samaria and speak with and share a drinking vessel with a Samaritan woman he knew to have a bad rep put his own reputation at risk."As Angie spoke, I recalled Cliffs caution before our meeting about risking my rep through association with Manuel."What this passage says to me," Angie continued, "is how no one was--

or is--beyond the love of Jesus, regardless of their tribe, gender, or sexuality."At the word

"sexuality" our entire group looked up at Angie.25In the three-plus years I'd gone to Bible Club, no one had ever talked about anything remotely related to sex. Why was she bringing it up now?The silence in the room weighed so heavy I could practically hear my own heart beat.Elizabeth finally asked, "What exactly do you mean by sexuality?""Well," Angie replied, "In verse eighteen, Jesus reveals to the woman his supernatural knowledge that 'you have had five husbands, and he whom you now have is not your husband.' Clearly, this woman's love life wasn't

'one man, one woman, till death do us part. 'Jesus knew this, and yet he reached out to her. He didn't judge her. He didn't condemn her. He didn't try to change her. Nor did he get into a scriptural debate. Instead he asked her to share a cup of water with him."Angie paused and scanned our group for reactions. I followed her gaze.Cliff bent forward, muscles taut, as if about to tackle, but waiting. Meanwhile Elizabeth sat with her arms folded and her jaw set. Though obviously disturbed by Angie's interpretation, both Cliff and Elizabeth seemed unsure how to challenge it.Others in our little circle kept their eyes trained on their Bibles. Either they agreed with Angie or they were too uncertain to speak up.As for me, I wasn't exactly sure what I thought.

This was turning out like no Bible discussion we'd had before, and the silence was making me nervous."I can see your point," I ventured, "about Jesus being accepting and nonjudgmental, but didn't he also want the woman to believe in him and change her ways?"Heads nodded eagerly in agreement. But before Angie could answer, Dakota tossed a grenade that sent the discussion in a26different direction. "So, by sexuality, would you include gay and lesbian people?"Everyone snapped to attention again. Sweat built on my forehead. It was the first time anybody had ever brought up the topic of gays in Bible Club.Angie gave a confident nod to Dakota. "I think that's consistent with the passage.""Wait a sec!" Cliff burst out. "To claim Jesus reached out to people is way different from saying he approved of them. The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is an abomination."I tensed in my seat. Thank God Manuel wasn't here. I wished I weren't either."God created Adam and Eve," Elizabeth added, "not Adam and Steve."Without missing a beat Dakota asked, "Then who created Steve?"Elizabeth smirked at the question. "If people hear the Word of God and keep sinning, they're not believers.""They're wolves in sheep's clothing,"

Cliff agreed."And are you without sin?" Angie calmly asked."First Corinthians Five-Eleven,"

Cliff shot back. "Don't 'associate with any one who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of immorality'--""But what about Romans Two-One?" Aaron Esposito, a heavyset boy, interjected."'... By the standard by which you judge another you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the very same things.'"Here we go, I thought. Proof-text volleyball. We'd gotten into debates like this before, where each side spiked and volleyed Scripture quotes. Sometimes it seemed that if you looked hard enough, you could find a Bible verse to justify anything."If you accept gays," Elizabeth sputtered, "you're saying that27what they do is okay. And if you say gay is okay, what's to stop everybody from becoming gay?"Dakota rolled her eyes. "Would you become gay?""No!" Elizabeth scrunched her nose in disgust. "But I don't want my children to be gay."Dakota widened her eyes in mock surprise. "I never knew you had kids." She abruptly turned to me. "Did you know she had kids?"I kept my mouth shut, growing warmer as the girls grew louder-- and felt like a phony for not revealing my own inner turmoil."Ha, ha," Elizabeth sneered at Dakota. "This isn't a joke, you know.""Okay," Dakota said in pretend seriousness. "So, you're worried about your imaginary children."Elizabeth shook with rage. "I'm thinking about the children I plan to have and all the other children in the world who shouldn't be told that something is okay when it's clearly a sin!"The two girls leaned toward each other. Were they about to come to blows? Eager to defuse the tension, I raised my hands into a T formation. "Can we get back to the passage?"Dakota and Elizabeth became quiet. Everybody else--even Cliff--

exhaled a sigh of relief. Angie returned to reading aloud about Jesus being the living water, something which it seemed like we all could use a big dose of. My throat felt dry as dust.No one said much else after we finished reading the passage. I think we were all too stunned by how angry the discussion had gotten. We closed the meeting in prayer and put the chairs back in order.

And I slinked out the door, feeling like I had dodged a bullet.28

ARRIVING HOME FROM BIBLE STUDY,I TOSSED MY BACKPACK TO THE FLOOR

AND COLLAPSED INTO BED. WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY DREAM SENIOR

YEAR WAS TURNING INTO A NIGHTMARE.Cliffs and Elizabeth's comments hadn't totally surprised me. Their attitudes about gay people were the same as those I'd heard at church and Sunday school--and just as unsettling, if not worse.I wished I could have spoken up and explained that a person might not necessarily want to have gay feelings and that it might not be so easy to get rid of them. But no way could I say that. People might suspect I'd had thoughts about kissing and doing lusty things with guys.As I lay in bed, I cupped my hands behind my head and stared up at the ceiling. A crack had been inching its way across the plaster for years, like some slowly growing tree branch. I'd once asked Pa about it, a little worried the roof might crash in on me, but he'd told me not to worry. "It's just from the foundation settling."Inside my jeans pocket, my cell phone rang. It was Angie. "Why'd you take off so fast after Bible study?"Me, sitting up: "Because it was crazy!"29Angie: "Yeah. I never expected that big a rise." Me: "Was Dakota trying to antagonize them?" Angie: "You think?"I couldn't tell if she was sarcastic or serious. A moment later, my call-waiting clicked. It was Elizabeth calling to ask why I hadn't sided with her at the Bible study.I asked if I could call her back, then Dakota clicked in, asking, "Did Elizabeth call you?"My gut clenched uneasily. The multiple calls got pretty insane for a while as I tried to juggle all three girls; then I finally managed to get off the phone. It wasn't the first time I'd gotten caught in the middle of their squabbles. Pa had once referred to the group as my harem. As if. I wondered how Abraham, Isaac, and my other Old Testament heroes had managed multiple wives.

Wasn't one plenty?I took a deep breath, hoping to rally myself to get up and out of bed. But instead, I crashed asleep. Next thing I knew, Pa was shaking my foot and peering at me with concern."Something wrong, mijo?""Um, no," I lied, recalling Bible study."You sure?" Pa insisted. "You didn't look so good this morning, either.""I'm okay--just tired from school." I rubbed my eyes. "I'll go start dinner." He and I took turns making dinner, and tonight was my turn."Never mind," Pa told me. "Let's go get pizza." I didn't argue.Pa and I had always gotten along well. When my ma died, he'd taken her death pretty hard, and started to drink every night, from the time he got home until he was drunk. He hadn't been a mean drunk, but he would get depressed, telling me over and over, "Te quiero, mijo. You know I love you."30The way he kept repeating it had frightened me. What if something happened to him, too? I felt like I had to be strong for him--and for me. That's when I started making dinner for us, mostly easy stuff like macaroni and cheese or tuna fish sandwiches. When he fell asleep on the couch, I covered him with a blanket. In the morning I made coffee and woke him so he'd get to work on time.Although I realized something was very wrong with Pa, I felt too afraid to tell anyone. What if they tried to take me away from him? I had just lost one parent; the thought of losing another terrified me. But Angie came over to my house too often to keep it from her. When she found out what was happening, she swatted my arm. "Why didn't you tell me?""Please, don't tell anyone," I begged.

"Promise?" But she wouldn't.The evening after that, the doorbell rang, and I peeked out the window to see Angie with a big man in a crisp blue suit. I kept quiet, pretending no one was home. But when the bell rang again, my pa woke from the couch and told me, "Answer it, mijo"When I opened the door, Angie gave me a hard look and introduced her evangelical minister, Pastor Jose. From his tan, jowly face gleamed a confident smile. As he shook my hand, his eyes roved around the living room, completing their arc on my pa and the beer bottles beside him.Pa had never been a big fan of religion. Ma had had to practically drag him to church. And when she died, he stopped going altogether, instead muttering under his breath at God. But tonight Pa listened respectfully to Angie's minister and left his beer aside."I understand the hurt you feel," Pastor told Pa. "You must've loved your wife very much, but drinking isn't going to bring her back. You know that. You need to think about your son. That's what your wife would've wanted, isn't it?"31My pa gazed toward the floor, his face red from the alcohol-- and shame.After talking a while, Pastor Jose asked Pa if he could pray with him, and Pa nodded. Angie took my hand while I looked on, and the minister prayed:"Lord and Father, source of all our strength, we ask you to fill this man with your courage and help him to overcome the pain in his heart..."While Pastor Jose spoke, his voice genuine and heartfelt, I prayed too, hoping with all my heart that God would answer."We ask you this in Jesus' name," the pastor concluded. "Amen."And although it was barely a whisper, my pa responded, "Amen."The following Sunday morning, Angie and her mom came to fix Pa and me scrambled eggs and pancakes. For the first time since Ma's funeral, Pa put on a tie. And after breakfast we all headed to Pastor Jose's church.Through the I Am The Way Church, Pa began to attend Alcoholics Anonymous. With the help of AA he stopped drinking and got back to normal. Actually, better than normal: He started to help me with homework, attended parent-teacher conferences, and read the Bible almost daily. The church gave him a new lease on life, and one Sunday he stuck a bumper sticker on his truck that read: The Bible says it. I believe it. That settles it!Five years had passed since then, and each year we spoke less and less about my ma. I never mentioned how painfully I missed her, not wanting to risk making him drink again. Instead, our conversations stuck to safe subjects: my school, choir practice, sports, his work, when Abuelita (his ma, my grandma) would come visit us again from Mexico ...Tonight during dinner we talked about college. Although Pa had slowly built his gardening business to include a plant32nursery, five staff, and three trucks, he had never gone to college. He'd always made it clear he expected me to go. I'd be the first in my family.I worried how Pa would get along without me. He and I had become pretty emotionally dependent on each other. Maybe I also worried a little bit how I would get along without him.He must have sensed my nervousness, because between pizza bites he told me, "I'm proud of you, mijo. You'll do fine."After dinner he dropped me off at home and went to one of his regular AA meetings. As I was stepping up our front walkway, my cell phone rang with a number I didn't recognize."Hey, it's Manuel. How'd your Bible study go this afternoon?"I had managed to put our heated Bible discussion out of my mind during dinner. Now the memory flooded back. Did I really want to go into it with Manuel?"Um, it went okay.""Yeah? What passage did you read?""John Four." I turned the key to the front door. "The woman at the well.""Oh, yeah," Manuel said. "I love that: Jesus, the living water."It surprised me that he knew the passage. I still didn't get how he could accept being gay and consider himself a Christian. Did he pray? Did he really know Jesus?"Let me know when you guys meet again," Manuel continued, "so I can go.""Uh-huh," I mumbled, while thinking, No way.He chatted a few more minutes about school and stuff, as if he were my buddy. I didn't want to be his buddy. I wanted him to go away and leave me alone. After saying good-bye I chucked my phone onto the bed and groaned in frustration. "Why me?"Later, I said my prayers, reviewing the day--listing the bad33things I'd done and the good things I'd left undone. But once again I had a hard time deciding what I should and shouldn't have done. Should I have sided with Elizabeth at lunch? Or had I done right by keeping silent? During Bible Club, should I have joined Angie and Dakota in speaking up for gay people? Or should I have joined Elizabeth and Cliff in speaking out against them? Was I resisting evil by at least trying to keep my distance from Manuel? Or was I turning my back on him?"Please help me, Jesus," I whispered, my thoughts and feelings all twisted up again. "Forgive me, and help me do better tomorrow."As I tried to get to sleep, I kept thinking about Jesus and the woman at the well--and about Manuel at our lunch table. I snapped my wristband against my wrist, trying to stop thinking about him. And in my heart I asked Jesus, What would you do?34