The Good, the Bad and the Unready (36 page)

Nicholas I, tsar of Russia, 1796–1855

Nicholas was a big baby. When his grandmother Catherine the
GREAT
clapped eyes upon him, she marvelled at this ‘colossus’ and whisked him away to her private quarters to raise him herself. But Catherine died five months later and Nicholas returned to the care of his somewhat indifferent parents. He grew to be strikingly handsome and was a big hit with the ladies when he visited England in 1816. With his Grecian nose, curly moustache and imperial bearing, he could have chosen almost anyone to be his bride. As it was he fell for and married the sickly Princess Charlotte of Prussia, whom he called ‘Mouffy’, and together they had seven children, including Alexander the
EMANCIPATOR
.

In December 1825 Nicholas’s older brother Alexander died and, after putting down a small revolt by the so-called ‘Decembrists’, Nicholas was acknowledged as tsar of all Russia. It was a job he took seriously. Nicholas saw himself as something of a guardian against revolution, and his foreign policy of offering
his nation’s services to suppress any regional uprising earned him the tag ‘the Gendarme of Europe’. The name ‘the Iron Tsar’, meanwhile, stems from his ferociously repressive national policies. Championing the mantra of‘autocracy, orthodoxy, and nationality’, Nicholas governed Russia as a police state, and woe betide anyone who stepped out of line. Spies were everywhere and punishments severe. Singing a mildly risque song at a private party, publishing a literary paper that challenged his supreme authority, or sporting a beard (if one was a nobleman) –all could be sufficient to earn a one-way ticket to Siberia.

John of Yesteryear

Robert III, king of Scotland, c.1337–1406

Robert’s nickname was ‘John Faranyei’, or ‘John of Yesteryear’, because his name as a child was John, but he switched it to Robert at his coronation. This ‘Robert’ did because he was all too aware of the miserable reign of John‘
TOOM TABARD’
Balliol and concluded that the name of John must be unlucky. However, if he thought a change of name would ensure a peaceful reign, he was sorely mistaken.

In 1394 a horse kicked Robert so violently that he was left physically unable to oversee the day-to-day government of the kingdom. Reluctantly, he handed over the reins of power to his ambitious and corrupt younger brother, the duke of Albany, who immediately imprisoned Robert’s son David and left him to starve to death. Another of Robert’s brothers, Alexander the
WOLF OF BADENOCH
, meanwhile, had become the bandit ruler of northern Scotland, tyrannizing the Isles without fear of reprisal.

The whole kingdom, wrote one chronicler, was ‘a den of thieves [where] murders… fire-raising and all other deeds remained unpunished’, and Robert knew he had been a failure. When James, yet another son, was captured by English pirates and sent to the Tower of London, it was all too much for him. He retired to his ancestral home and told Annabella, his wife, that he wanted to be buried in a dunghill with the epitaph, ‘Here lies the worst of kings and the most miserable of men.’

 
Otto the
Jolly

Otto, duke of Austria, d.1339

Except in battle, Otto der Fröhliche always had a smile on his face. He reigned – very happily – with his disabled brother Albert the
LAME
, joyfully marrying Anna, the sister of Charles the
PARSON’S EMPEROR
, and jovially accepting the added appointment of vicar of Germany when it was offered to him.

Edward the
Josiah of England
see
ENGLISH EPITHETS

Aristides the
Just

Aristides, Athenian statesman, c.530–468 BC

The process of ostracism in ancient Athens took the form of citizens scratching on a fragment of pottery the name of the man they wished to see banished. If more than 6,000 ballots were cast, the person whose name appeared most often was exiled for a period often years. And in 482 BC Aristides, a statesman known for his honesty, fairness and integrity – and consequently envied and detested by many – found himself a candidate for banishment.

On election day an illiterate country bumpkin approached Aristides, whom he did not know, and asked him to write Aristides’ on his ballot. The statesman asked the farmer whether this Aristides had ever done him any wrong. ‘Oh no,’ came the reply, ‘in fact, I don’t even know who Aristides is, but I’m simply tired of hearing everyone call him “the Just”.’ Aristides dutifully wrote down his own name and was ostracized. Two years later, however, the statesman was invited back. Athens simply could not live without a man who so eminently displayed the virtues it held most dear.

 
Haroun the
Just

Haroun al-Rashid, caliph of the Abbasid dynasty, c.766–809

Haroun was literally the stuff of legend, with his splendid court at Baghdad playing a central role in the book
The Thousand and One Nights
. His mother al-Khayzuran ruled there imperiously, and his wife ostentatiously lived in the lap of luxury, refusing to have anything but jewel-studded gold and silver vessels on her table. In comparison with these two women, Haroun himself was a rather unassuming man, content to listen to music, write poetry and watch the occasional cockfight.

Legend also has it that Haroun al-Rashid – sometimes anglicized to ‘Aaron the Just’ –was so anxious that his subjects should be treated justly by his government that he would sometimes disguise himself at night and walk through the city bazaars, listening to people’s concerns and complaints.

However, justice in eighth-century Arabia was meted out summarily. On learning of a scandalous relationship between his grand vizier and an Abbasid princess, Haroun had all the leading members of the vizier’s family executed. Accompanying the incognito caliph on his fact-finding strolls through Baghdad, meanwhile, were not only a few friends, but also, rather sinisterly, his executioner.

Louis the
Just
see
GALLIC PRACTICE

Peter the
Just
see
Peter the
CRUEL

Christopher the
King of Bark