The Good, the Bad and the Unready (16 page)
Read The Good, the Bad and the Unready Online
Authors: Robert Easton
Louis the
Desired
see
Louis the
KING OF SLOPS
Demetrius the
Devoted
Demetrius II, king of Georgia, 1269–89
Bastinado is a form of torture consisting of the beating of the victim’s soles with a stick, an ordeal which Demetrius underwent when he surrendered to the Mongol il-khan Arghun in order to save his people from invasion. But Arghun was not a man to keep his word. Although he had promised that his forces would not attack Georgia if their young king came to his court in Mughan and paid homage, he had Demetrius first tortured and then beheaded.
The Georgians bewailed the loss of their tall, fair-haired and generous king, and for his sacrifice they styled him ‘Tav-dadebuli’ –‘ the Devoted’ or ‘the Man Who Sacrificed His Head’. Sadly his sacrifice was in vain. With Demetrius headless so was Georgia, and without an effective monarch the kingdom sank into squabbling anarchy.
Charles A
Discrowned Glutton
see
CHARLES THE HARLEQUIN
Heneage the
Dismal
Heneage Finch, first earl of Nottingham, 1621–82
Heneage was a lawyer who took no part in the troubles of the English Civil War, concentrating instead on building up a lucrative private practice. In 1660 he was elected Member of Parliament for Canterbury and was made Solicitor General and later Lord Chancellor. Lawyers remember him for his just and systematic administration. Almost everyone else remembers him for looking like death warmed up.
Divine Sovereign
see
Lady Wu the
POISONER
Clovis the
Do-Nothing King
Clovis II, Merovingian king, c.634–57
Clovis was the first of ten
rois fainéants
(do-nothing monarchs) who passed the time in idle luxury in secluded villas while the real power lay with the mayors of the royal palaces. Occasionally these kings made public appearances in oxen-drawn chariots, but it was only with the arrival of Pepin the
SHORT
in the early eighth century that royal authority meant anything again in France.
Dollheart
see
John
LACKLAND
Dona Juana
Maria Louisa, queen of Spain, 1751–1819
Don Juan was a legendary heartless Spanish philanderer; ‘Dona Juana’ was a very real heartless philanderer who regularly and
often cheated on her husband, Charles IV. One of her favourite sexual playmates was a former guardsman dubbed ‘the Sausage Man’. Some say this was because his home province of Extremad-ura was famous for its sausages. Others propose a more earthy reason.
Domesday Characters
The Domesday Book mentions a multitude of minor personages in eleventh-century England. We learn about Nigel, a priest who was William the Conqueror’s physician. We find men styled ‘the Crossbowman’ or ‘the Engineer’, who must have held responsible posts in the royal army. Others, also named for their professions, include ‘the Fisherman’, ‘the Cook’ and ‘the Interpreter’.
Some people are referred to by a nickname. Richard ‘Poignant’, meaning ‘biter’, suggests that the tenant of Trow Farm in Wiltshire was not the most mellow of characters. One can only hazard a guess, meanwhile, as to what earned Roger the epithet ‘God Save the Ladies’. Below is a sample list of other epithets and nicknames gleaned from the census:
Eadric the Blind
Alwin the Devil
John the Doorkeeper
Robert the Fair
William Hosed
Berdic the Jester
Geoffrey the Little
Leofgifu the Nun
Richard the Reckless
Godfrey the Scullion
Alwin Stickhare
Magnus the Swarthy
Walter the Vinedresser
Dracula
see
Vlad the
IMPALER
Michael the
Drunkard
Michael III, Byzantine emperor, 838–67
‘Basil the Macedonian’ was an upstart, a former groom who jockeyed his way into the good graces of those in power and finally persuaded ‘Michael the Drunkard’ to crown him co-emperor, whereupon he had Michael murdered in his bed. Byzantine sources, writing to justify Basil’s dastardly deed, portray Michael as a dissolute sot who partook in drinking bouts, horse races and religious burlesques while completely ignoring affairs of state. Yet modern scholars suggest that he was far from completely irresponsible, especially when it came to military matters. In 861, for instance, Michael and his uncle Bardas invaded Bulgaria and secured the conversion of the king to Christianity. A few years after their return, however, both fell prey to Basil’s henchmen.