The Good, the Bad and the Unready (13 page)

The term ‘confessor’ can mean someone who makes their confession to a priest or it can denote a priest who hears confession. In Edward’s case, however, it describes a man whose entire life was a confession of his faith.

Conky
see
Arthur the
IRON DUKE

Alfonso the
Conqueror

Alfonso I, king of Portugal, c.1109–85

Qualities of boldness, persistence and guile made Alfonso an excellent first king of Portugal. His most famous conquest was that of Berber-controlled Lisbon in 1147 when, accompanied by soldiers originally recruited by St Bernard for the Second Crusade, he took the city after a four-month siege. His success assured him of a nickname and the continuity of the Portuguese monarchy.

Alfonso was a big man with a big beard who enjoyed a reputation of possessing Herculean strength. In 1169, however, the muscle-bound monarch trapped his leg in a gate and broke it so badly that he was never able to ride again. With his military career and conquering days at an end, Alfonso knighted his sixteen-year-old son Sancho the
SETTLER
(see
NOBLE PROFESSIONS
) and prepared him for the throne.

 
Mehmed the
Conqueror

Mehmed II, sultan of the Ottoman Empire, 1432–81

Ottoman tradition demanded that each new sultan had to embark on a great conquest, and Mehmed plumped for the greatest prize of them all: Constantinople. It was a tall order, since the thickness of the city’s walls had foiled many a Turkish assault. Nevertheless, on the orders of the new sultan, Ottoman troops once more laid siege to it in April 1453.

At first, history looked like repeating itself. Heavy bombardment of the walls using a 28-foot-long monster of a cannon proved largely ineffective, and the inhabitants had no trouble in repairing the destroyed fortifications every night. However, on the night of 22 May there was an eclipse of the moon. The Byzantines had credited their success in repulsing the Turks to the legend that Constantinople would never fall while the moon was waxing – that is, with its ‘horns’ to the east. But with the eclipse, their morale was instantly and utterly crushed. During the next few days someone, in his or her despondency, left a gate in the stockade open. It was only a small gate, but all that Mehmed needed. The sack of Constantinople lasted three days, and from that moment onwards Mehmed was hailed as ‘the Conqueror’.

After Constantinople Mehmed continued his military conquests. Among the territories to fall under Ottoman control were Serbia, Greece and Wallachia, where Vlad the
IMPALER
finally met his match. In 1481 Mehmed was embarking on new campaigns against Rhodes and southern Italy when he suddenly died – some say poisoned by an undercover Venetian doctor, others say from a self-administered overdose of opium. Not everyone mourned his passing. On news of the death of ‘the Conqueror’, the pope ordered that every church bell should be rung in jubilation for three days and nights.

 
William the
Conqueror

William I, king of England, c.1028–87

In his day William was known as ‘the Bastard’ since he was the illegitimate son of ‘Robert the Devil’ (the duke of Normandy) and the daughter of a local tanner. ‘Conqueror’, however, would have been an apt contemporary soubriquet as well, as long before the Norman had turned his ambitious gaze over the English Channel he had orchestrated a string of military victories that significantly enhanced his power in France.

His conquest of England was no fait accompli. Under the command of Harold the
LAST OF THE SAXONS
the English forces were one of the most aggressive armies of Europe; however it was Harold’s bad luck that within weeks of his success at the battle of Stamford Bridge his men had to face the Norman forces at Hastings. After William’s famous victory of 1066 he worked hard to ensure there were children to inherit his new territories. To that end William (who stood five foot ten) and his wife Matilda (who was no more than four foot two inches tall) produced ten children, including two future kings, William
RUFUS
and Henry
BEAUCLERC
(see
NOBLE PROFESSIONS
).

Copper Nose
see
NOSE ALMIGHTY

Napoleon the
Corsican General
See
Napoleon the
LITTLE CORPORAL

Richard the
Coxcomb

Richard II, king of England, 1367–1400

In 1394 Anne of Bohemia, Richard’s first wife, succumbed to the Black Death, and such was his grief that he ordered the palace at Sheen, where she had spent her last days, to be razed. The tragic event turned out to be a critical moment in Richard’s life and reign. The popular king and loving husband descended into
melancholy and became a despotic, arrogant fop, whose disastrous second marriage to Isabella, the young daughter of Charles the
SILLY
, was marked by wanton cruelty.

If for no other reason, however, this son of Edward the
BLACK PRINCE
and Joan the
FAIR MAID OF KENT
should be celebrated in history as the inventor of the handkerchief – the must-have accessory for any self-respecting coxcomb. It may have found much service when, having been ousted by the forces of his cousin Henry
BOLINGBROKE
, Richard spent his last days starving to death in Pontefract Castle.

Richard
Crookback

Richard III, king of England, 1452–85

William Shakespeare is largely responsible for the popular image of Richard as a limping hunchback with a withered arm. The playwright’s sources for
Richard III
may well have included Thomas More’s biography of the king, which depicted Richard some decades after his death as ‘little of stature, ill-featured of limbs, crook-backed… envious and, afore his birth, ever froward’. Contemporary chroniclers, however, such as Philip de Commynes and the Italian monk Dominic Mancini make no mention of any deformity, and even his enemies agreed that he demonstrated considerable prowess on the battlefield. Clearly, then, Richard was not sufficiently impaired to be unable to use his weapons or control his horse, and it is quite possible that More was participating in some propaganda, playing on the medieval belief that a twisted mind must dwell in a twisted body.