The Good, the Bad and the Unready (10 page)

Haakon the
Broad-Shouldered

Haakon II, king of Norway, c.1147–62

Much was placed on the small but broad shoulders of Haakon when he was elected king of Norway at the tender age often. His main concern was the claim of ‘Inge the Hunchback’ to the throne, but that fell away in 1161 when Inge died after losing his temper. His death occurred when he and his men were ranged against Haakon’s across an ice-covered river. Incensed by accusations of cowardice, Inge’s champion, one Gregorius Dagsson, raced forward, fell through the ice and was slaughtered as he tried to clamber back up. In a rush of blood to the head, Inge furiously hurtled towards the enemy and was also killed. Haakon’s relief was short-lived, however. Another pretender, Magnus Erlingsson, defeated and killed him in battle the next year. Haakon was fifteen years old.

Ptolemy the
Brother-Loving
see
PTOLEMAIC KINGS

Robert the
Bruce

Robert I, king of Scotland, 1274–1329

Allegedly inspired by the determination of a spider that he saw in a cave while gloomily assessing his military fortune, Robert won a famous victory against the English in 1314 at the battle of Bannockburn. The origins of his epithet ‘the Bruce’ are regrettably less colourful. Originally thought to be of Flemish extraction,
his ancestors settled in Brus, near Cherbourg, in Normandy. One of these forebears, also called Robert, came over to England in the early eleventh century and served as right-hand man to Prince David, later King David ‘the Saint’, during his stay at the court of Henry
BEAUCLERC
(
see
NOBLE PROFESSIONS
). For obvious reasons he was known as ‘Robert de Brus’, and the name of his descendants was anglicized to ‘the Bruce’.

David the
Builder
see
Noble
PROFESSIONS

Bungy Louis
see
Louis the
KING OF SLOPS

Leo the
Butcher
see
NOBLE PROFESSIONS

George the
Button-Maker
see
FARMER GEORGE

Edward the
Caresser

Edward VII, king of England, 1841–1910

In an allusion to his ancestral namesake Edward the
CONFESSOR
, Edward VII was dubbed ‘the Caresser’ for his womanizing ways. His parents, Victoria the
WIDOW OF WINDSOR
and Albert the
GOOD
, were determined to prevent him from becoming wayward or profligate like so many of his relatives, and so must have been very disappointed with both their son and his epithet. Britain, on the other hand, thought he was rather special.

After a regimented childhood during which his good looks had women wrapped around his little finger, Edward, or ‘Bertie’ as the prince was known, was sent to Cambridge University, where he lodged some four miles outside town to minimize any frivolous or dissolute behaviour. Four miles proved a mere step for Edward, who rapidly developed Rabelaisian appetites for food, cigars, gambling and female company. Midway through his studies he was sent to Ireland, where he was enlisted in the army. Here he also signally failed to reach expectations, most notably when Nellie Clifton, a local ‘actress’, was found one night in his quarters.

His marriage to Princess Alexandra of Denmark did not appear to diminish his sexual appetite, and a long list of mistresses included society belle Lillie ‘the Jersey Lily’ Langtry, Daisy ‘Babbling’ Brook and French tragic actress Sarah Bernhardt, otherwise known as ‘the Divine Sarah’ or ‘Sarah Heartburn’. Once, when Bernhardt was playing Fedora in Paris, Edward confessed that he had always wanted to be an actor. Few in the audience the next night would have noticed that the corpse of
Fedora’s dead lover was in fact none other than the heir to the British throne.

For all his misdoings and dalliances, the British liked their prince immensely, especially after the death of his father, when Victoria slumped into a life of mourning. In a drab and dismal court, ‘Bertie’ was a splash of colour. His practical jokes raised giggles in a palace bereft of laughter, and his fashion sense and love of the good life set the trend for an English society eager for fun. In later life ‘Bertie’ –now Edward – helped to orchestrate the
entente cordiale
with France, and in recognition of his diplomatic efforts he was dubbed ‘the Peacemaker’. He was also known as ‘the Uncle of Europe’, and this was almost literally true as he was uncle to the German kaiser, the Russian tsar and the king of Spain.

Less laudatory was another of Edward’s nicknames, ‘Tum Tum’, which referred to the monarch’s corpulence. On one occasion the chubby Edward gently admonished Sir Frederick Johnstone, one of his guests at Sandringham, with the words, ‘Freddy, Freddy, you’re very drunk’, to which Johnstone allegedly retorted, ‘Tum Tum, you’re very fat.’ The king did not appreciate the remark.

Great Britain, on the other hand, did appreciate Edward. As the foreign secretary Sir Edward Grey wrote, the bubbly king ‘had a capacity for enjoying life… combined with a positive and strong desire that everyone else should enjoy life too’.

Edward
Carnarvon