The Good, the Bad and the Unready (14 page)

In his play Shakespeare has Richard maligned as a ‘wretched, bloody and usurping boar’. Here he is basing his portrayal on the king’s heraldic device of a boar
passant argent
. A contemporary satirist called William Collingborne also alluded to this nickname when he penned a little ditty that included the lines:

The first three animals refer to contemporary nobles. ‘Hogge’ was clearly a none-too-complimentary reference to the king, and for this clumsy piece of doggerel Collingborne paid with his life.

Boleslav the
Crooked-Mouthed

Boleslav III, prince of Poland, 1085–1138

Boleslav ‘Krzywousty’ heroically defended Silesia against German invasion, and his heavy defeat of the imperial forces in 1109 must have left a big grin on the royal asymmetric jaw. His rivalry with his brother Zbigniew gave him little reason to smile, however. Terrified that he might stage a coup, Boleslav had Zbigniew blinded. Tragically, his henchmen did such a careless job that Zbigniew died of his wounds.

Christian the
Cruel
see
Christian the
TYRANT

Henry the
Cruel

Henry VI, king of Germany, 1165–97

Cold and calculating, mean-spirited and money-grabbing, Henry was considered one of the cruellest men in what were cruel times. His successful invasion of Sicily, financed by the huge ransom he exacted for the release of his prize prisoner Richard the
LIONHEART
, might have been enough to earn him the nickname ‘the Conqueror’. However, history remembers him as ‘the Cruel’, perhaps for his blinding and castration of Sicily’s four-year-old King William, possibly for his desecration of the corpses of Tancred and Roger the
GREAT COUNT
(see
the
SONS OF TANCRED
), two of the island’s former leaders, but mostly probably for the merciless vengeance he took on the ringleaders of a failed coup against him in May 1197.

 
Peter the
Cruel

Peter I, king of Portugal, 1320–67

Peter was a popular king who liked to dance in the streets with his people and whose love affair with his ‘mistress’ Ines de Castro became the subject of legend and poetry. When he learned that Ines had been murdered on the orders of his father Alfonso the
FIERCE
, his twin nicknames of‘the Just’ and ‘the Cruel’ proved especially apt. Two of the assassins, who were found hiding in the lands of his namesake ‘Peter the Cruel’ of Castile, were brought back to Portugal and summarily executed by having their hearts ripped out, one through his chest, the other through his back.

Peter then publicly revealed that he had been secretly married to Ines for a number of years, and commanded, somewhat grotesquely, that her body should be exhumed and translated to a sumptuous tomb at Alcobaca where all were solemnly to acknowledge her as queen.

Crum-Hell
see
NOSE ALMIGHTY

Sigurd the
Crusader

Sigurd I, king of Norway, c.1089–1130

In 1099 Sigurd’s father, Magnus
BARELEGS
, left him in charge of the southern Hebrides and the Isle of Man and headed back to Norway. Three years later Magnus returned to Britain and, in order to consolidate his territories, arranged a marriage between Sigurd and Blathmina, the daughter of the Irish high king. Sigurd was thirteen, Blathmina five. The following year Magnus died and the young couple returned to Sigurd’s homeland. Only then did his crusading really begin.

According to the medieval Icelandic historian Snorri Sturlu-son, Sigurd set sail on a crusade to Jerusalem, fighting and defeating the ‘heathen’ along the way. One of his most famous exploits was the capture of a seemingly inaccessible cave halfway
up a cliff face, which was defended by pagan robbers who mocked their enemy on the beach far below. In order to defeat them, Sigurd stealthily hoisted a ship on to the top of the cliff, filled it with soldiers and then lowered it on ropes in front of the mouth of the cave. His men then leaped out and easily overpowered the very surprised thieves.

After a brief spell in Jerusalem where King Baldwin I gave him a splinter of the Holy Cross, Sigurd returned to Norway and ruled without opposition.

Robert the
Cunning
see
the
SONS OF TANCRED

Boleslav the
Curly

Boleslav IV, prince of Poland, c.1120–73

Little is recorded of Boleslav ‘Kedzierzawy’ except that he had to pay homage to the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick
BARBAROSSA
. This involved sending him a regular financial tribute, furnishing him with 300 knights for his Italian campaign, and appearing at his court when, in what must have been literally a hairy moment, the curly-locked prince came face to face with the red-bearded king.

Robert
Curthose

Robert II, duke of Normandy, c.1054–1134