The Good, the Bad and the Unready (43 page)

In his own country he was known as ‘Kanuni’, ‘the Lawgiver’, a leader who, assisted by his grand viziers, set up a remarkable administration and developed a flourishing economy. Using a detailed book of regulations, he divided his vast dominions into several districts, appointed a specific portion of his army to each region, and spelled out the function of each soldier down to the last man.

On Suleiman’s death, control of the empire passed into the hands of his son Selim II. There was no rivalry for the succession since Suleiman had arranged for his other children to be murdered. As his nickname ‘the Sot’ would indicate, Selim oversaw the gradual implosion of the empire that his father had striven so hard to build.

Margaret the
Maid of Norway

Margaret, queen-elect of Scotland, 1283–90

When Alexander the
GLORIOUS
plunged off a cliff to his death, the Scottish royal line was catapulted into crisis. Who would be the next monarch? Edward the
HAMMER OF THE SCOTS
was duly consulted and he declared that little Margaret, then living in Norway, was to be the next queen, and furthermore that she would marry his son. So, Margaret said farewell to her father ‘Erik the Priest-Hater’ and set sail to succeed her grandfather as ruler. But it was not to be. The rough crossing from Bergen to Scotland proved too much for the little six-year-old maid, and she died on board during a storm off the Orkney Islands.

 
Malcolm the
Maiden

Malcolm IV, king of Scotland, 1141–65

In 1152 red-blooded Highlanders were unimpressed with their effeminate-looking new king, and were in rebellious mood when the slim and fair-haired Malcolm ceded English lands, so hard won by ‘David the Saint’, to Henry
CURTMANTLE
. Malcolm possessed a kind and gentle disposition, and his vow of celibacy, an oath made much to the chagrin of his mother, gave rise to his nickname. But he was no pushover, and he put down all civil uprisings with swift and brutal efficiency.

Malcolm died after a short illness aged twenty-four. Scotland came under the jurisdiction of his younger brother, William the
LION
, a man whose fiery temperament was much more to the liking of the kingdom’s northern residents.

Joan
Makepeace

Joan, queen of Scotland, 1321–62

In accordance with the terms of the peace treaty of Northampton, Joan, sister of Edward the
BANKRUPT
of England, was married in July 1328 to David, son of the Scottish king Robert the
BRUCE
. The couple enjoyed, and continue to enjoy, the distinction of being the youngest royals ever to wed. Joan had just turned seven and David was only four and a half. Although we do not know for sure whether they liked each other’s company, one thing that is certain is that the only product of their thirty-four years of union was Joan’s nickname.

Ptolemy the
Malefactor
see
PTOLEMAIC KINGS

 
Henry the
Man-Milliner

Henry III, king of France, 1551–89

Henry ‘le Mignon’ of France was a spineless, effeminate dandy who spurned public affairs of state to pursue his private passions of fashion design and the training of dogs, parrots and monkeys. ‘Maximilien the Iron Duke’ was aghast at the sight of this coxcomb of a king caked with cosmetics and drenched with perfume. ‘I shall never forget,’ he wrote, ‘his fantastic equipage. He had a sword at his side, a Spanish hood hung down upon his shoulders… and a basket full of little dogs hung to a broad ribband about his neck.’ While Henry dabbled in designing hats, Anne the
KING’S KING
ran the country and acquired his nickname for his efforts.

Charles the
Man of Blood
see
Charles the
LAST MAN

Demetrius the
Man Who Sacrificed His Head
see
Demetrius the
DEVOTED

Anne the
Mare of Flanders

Anne of Cleves, queen of England, 1515–57

On New Year’s Day 1540
BLUFF KING HAL
galloped to Rochester on England’s south coast to catch a glimpse of the woman who was to be his fourth wife. Thomas the
HAMMER OF THE MONKS
had shown him a portrait of Anne painted by Hans Holbein, and now, weighed down with New Year’s gifts for her, Henry was eager to meet his new bride in the flesh.

Henry kept the gifts. The woman he saw bore no resemblance to Holbein’s picture; in fact, she looked like a horse. Placing politics above pleasure, Henry married the equine Anne, although he made it clear to one and all that he ‘left her as good a maid as he found her’. Shortly after Easter the couple were
divorced, and Anne trotted away to live a comfortable life, taking advantage of Henry’s generous gift of two houses, a substantial retinue and the princely sum of £500 a year. The matchmakingminister Cromwell, meanwhile, was beheaded.

Charles the
Martyr
see
Charles the
LAST MAN