The Good, the Bad and the Unready (67 page)
Read The Good, the Bad and the Unready Online
Authors: Robert Easton
Frederick II, king of Germany and Holy Roman Emperor, 1194–1250
‘Covered with red hair… bald and short-sighted. Had he been a slave, he would not have fetched 200 dirhams at market.’ This first-hand description of Frederick by the Syrian historian Ibn al-Jawz suggests that the emperor, given his appearance, was of little value. But looks can deceive. Frederick was in fact one of the most remarkable of all medieval rulers.
Even his birth and upbringing were remarkable. In order to stop any dispute as to his legitimacy, Constance of Sicily gave birth to him publicly in a market-place. Both Constance and Frederick’s father, Henry the
CRUEL
, died before Frederick was four years old, and he came under the guardianship of Pope Innocent III. The pontiff, however, neglected him and Frederick spent much of his childhood roaming the streets of Rome like an urchin. At the age of fourteen he was cleaned up and married to the daughter of the king of Aragon.
After his coronation two years later Frederick stayed in Sicily when he wasn’t on crusade. It is here, in his island kingdom, that his reputation as the ‘Stupor Mundi’ –‘ the Wonder’, or more accurately ‘the Astonishment of the World’ –was cultivated. Among his many achievements, Frederick:
• could speak nine languages and was literate in seven;
• wrote poetry of considerable merit;
• compiled a manual on the art of falconry and wrote the first modern book on ornithology;
• introduced the concept of zero to European arithmetic;
• founded the University of Naples;
• issued regulations on the practice of pharmacy throughout Europe; and
• published a collection of laws for his realm. With minor modifications this work, known as the
Liber Augustalis
, remained the basis of Sicilian law well into the nineteenth century.
But Frederick did have his critics. An Italian contemporary called Salimbene wrote that, while he admired the emperor immensely, there were certain aspects of his character that he found distasteful. Cruelty was one of them. Once, for example, he cut off the thumb of a notary who had spelt his name ‘Fredericus’ instead of ‘Fridericus’. The king was also prone to engage in macabre experiments in which humans were the guinea pigs. Here are just three of these investigations:
• He gave two men supper and then sent one to bed and the other out to hunt. After a few hours he brought them back to his court and had them disembowelled in his presence to see which one had digested the food more rapidly (apparently it was the former).
• He locked convicted criminals in an airtight room until they suffocated, and then, as he opened the door, looked for evidence of their souls escaping.
• In his search to see if humans are born with a ‘natural’ language, he abandoned several babies in the wild to grow up without human contact. The children all died.
It was the Church, however, who condemned the emperor with greatest fury. Although a Christian, Frederick denounced Jesus as a fraud, mocked many fundamental doctrines and maintained a harem. Many of his fellow believers denounced him as ‘the Hammer of Christianity’. Pope Gregory IX went further, excommunicating him twice and calling him ‘the Antichrist’.
Elizabeth the
World’s Wonder
see
GOOD QUEEN BESS
Wenceslas the
Worthless
Wenceslas, king of Germany and Bohemia, 1361–1419
This Wenceslas was in power some 400 years after the ‘Good King Wenceslas’ of carol fame, who was duke of Bohemia in the tenth century. As periods in European history go, the end of the fourteenth century was downright awful. In Germany the worthless Wenceslas held sway, Charles the
SILLY
ruled France, Richard the
COXCOMB
flapped about in England and two popes, one in Rome and the other in Avignon, were discrediting each other. Of all those in supreme authority at the time, however, Wenceslas deserves special mention as the most contemptible. Here, in no particular order, are ten reasons why he deserved his nickname.
• He extracted revenue through arbitrary fines.
• He was constantly enmeshed in bitter family rivalries.
• He angered Church leaders in Bohemia, not least when he orchestrated the drowning of the vicar general of Prague in the River Moldau.
• He promoted totally inexperienced friends to senior governmental positions, thereby infuriating the Bohemian nobility.
• He failed conspicuously to keep the peace in either Germany or Bohemia.
• He failed to heal the Great Schism within the papacy, and even failed to remain constant to one side.
• He failed to achieve imperial coronation.
• He routinely drank to excess, earning himself the additional nickname ‘the Drunkard’.
• He murdered his wife by setting a dog on her.
• He allegedly roasted his cook alive for serving up a ragout that Wenceslas deemed second-rate.
Europe became a slightly brighter place when, eventually deposed by his half-brother Sigismund the
LIGHT OF THE WORLD
, Wenceslas died, mercifully without any heirs.
Charles the
Young Pretender
see
BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE
Zeus-Ammon
see
Alexander the
GREAT
[ A ]
Abdul Hamid II, sultan of the Ottoman Empire, 1842–1918
The
DAMNED
Bloody Abdul
Abu Bakr, Muslim caliph, c.573–634
The
UPRIGHT
The Father of the Maiden
The Truthful
Agnes, countess of Dunbar and March, c.1312–69
BLACK AGNES
Akbar, emperor of India, 1542–1605
The
GREAT
The Guardian of Mankind
Albert, prince consort of Queen Victoria of the United Kingdom, 1819–61
The
GOOD
Albert II, duke of Austria, 1289–1358
The
LAME
The Wise
Albert III, duke of Austria, 1349–95
The
ASTROLOGER
Albert with the Tress
The Braided
Albertus Magnus, German nobleman, c.1200–1280
The
GREAT
Le Petit Albert
Alexander II, emperor of Russia, 1818–81
The
EMANCIPATOR
Little Father
Alexander III, king of Macedonia, 356–323 BC
The
GREAT
Macedonia’s Madman
The Two-Horned
Zeus-Ammon
Alexander III, king of Scotland, 1241–86
The
GLORIOUS
Alexander Stewart, lord of Badenoch, 1343–c.1405
The
WOLF OF BADENOCH
Big Alexander
Alfonso I, king of Portugal, c.1109–85
The
CONQUEROR
Alfonso II, king of Asturias, 759–842
The
CHASTE
Alfonso IV, king of Asturias and León, d.933
The
MONK
Alfonso IV, king of Portugal, 1291–1357
The
FIERCE
Alfonso X, king of Castile and Leon, 1221–84
The
ASTRONOMER
The Learned
The Philosopher
The Wise
Alfred, king of Wessex, 849–99
The
GREAT
Alfred d’Orsay, French nobleman, 1801–52
The
LAST OF THE DANDIES
Amadeus VI, count of Savoy, 1334–83
The
GREEN
Amadeus VII, count of Savoy, 1360–91
The
RED
Amadeus VIII, duke of Savoy, 1383–1451
The
PACIFIC
The Hermit of La Ripaille
Anne, duke of Joyeuse, 1561–87
The
KING’S KING
Anne Boleyn, queen of England, c.1507–36
The
GREAT WHORE
Anne of a Thousand Days
Anne, queen of England, 1515–57
The
MARE OF FLANDERS
Anne, queen of England, 1665–1714
BRANDY NAN
Mrs Morley
Anthony, Burgundian nobleman, 1421–1504
The
GREAT BASTARD
The Great
Antigonus I, king of Macedonia, 382–301 BC
The
ONE-EYED
Archibald Douglas, third earl of Douglas, c.1328–1400
The
GRIM
Archibald Douglas, fourth earl of Douglas, c.1369–1424
The
LOSER
Archibald Douglas, fifth earl of Angus, c.1449–c.1513
BELL THE CAT
Archibald Douglas, sixth earl of Angus, c.1489–1557
Archibald
GREYSTEEL
Aristides, Athenian statesman, c.530–468 BC
The
JUST
Arnulf III, count of Flanders, 1055–71
The
UNFORTUNATE
Arthgal, first earl of Warwick,
fl.
fifth century
The
BEAR
Arthur Wellesley, duke of Wellington, 1769–1852
The
IRON DUKE
Beaky
Conky
The Great Duke
Old Nosey
The Saviour of the Nations
Athelfleda, queen of England, d.c.964
The
WHITE DUCK
The Little White Duck
Athelstan, king of the English, 895–939
The
GLORIOUS
Attila, king of the Huns, 406–53
The
SCOURGE OF GOD
The Terror of the World
Aud, Norse queen,
fl.
850s
The
DEEP-MINDED
Augustus II, king of Poland, 1670–1733
The
STRONG