The Guide to Getting It On (165 page)

“He has good days where he we can try different positions and places and bad days where we stick to me on top and we have intercourse in kind of a soft, relaxed setting. We discuss what he would like to do that day before we even start any foreplay and then he tells me if he’s changed his mind anytime after that based on how he’s feeling. That way we almost always avoid nausea, and intercourse can be great even with restrictions.

“During his chemotherapy, sometimes he has close to no sex drive and then we don’t do much at all sexually, but he’ll still do things like finger me just pretty much to be nice, since he’s not so much up to anything sexual.

“I’d say if anything has increased it would be the number of blowjobs I give him because that’s another thing that gives him pleasure but lets him remain pretty much still and comfortable. We don’t have as much intercourse because he’s just not up to it all the time.”

Cancer of the Testicles

Please see the chapter “Balls, Balls, Balls” for a discussion on the nuts and bolts of cancer of the testicles.

The people who worry most about their sexual appeal after cancer of the testicles tend to be younger straight guys, as well as gay males. Hopefully, the gay males won’t put up with a partner for whom only one ball would be a deal breaker. As for the straight guys, we hate to burst your bubble, but based on how women have described the scrotum when we asked them about it on our sex survey, it’s hard to think that they are going to dump any man because he’s one nut short of a full load. Seriously, there aren’t too many women who sit around fantasizing about men’s balls or scrotums. So if you are the girlfriend or wife of a guy who’s just been diagnosed, please let him know that it’s unlikely you’d even notice 99.9% of the time.

Unlike other male cancers, it’s a rare day when a man with cancer of the testicles won’t be able to get an erection after surgery. His equipment will work just fine and he’ll have the same wad he had before. Believe it or not, a lot of guys who have lost a ball to cancer don’t have it replaced with a fake one, and are quite happy with their decision.

As for the psychological aspects of any and all things regarding cancer of the testicles, we defer to a man who knows a bit about it from firsthand experience, Mr. Doug Bank of the amazing Testicular Cancer Resource Center:
http://tcrc.acor.org
:

“I would like to stress that testicular cancer is not contagious and it cannot be transmitted via sexual intercourse. There are a lot of reasons to be afraid of cancer, but this is not one of them.”

“Regarding sex drive, testicular-cancer survivors we have spoken with have told me everything from having sex the day after their surgery (ouch!) all the way through having to go on hormonal therapies to re-establish their desire—which would only be the 2% to 3% of guys who lose both testicles. In those cases, supplemental testosterone takes care of everything. The desire is still there and the ejaculation is still there.

“Just as each one of us is different going in, we’re going to be just as different coming out, too. If you feel different, or just out of whack, let your doctor know. They cannot read your mind, and they definitely cannot diagnose anything if you do not tell them that something is wrong!”

Highly Recommended:

For more than ten years we’ve been looking for an excellent book on sex for women who have cancer, and for ten years we’ve mostly drawn blanks. The drought has been broken by Anne Katz’ latest effort
Women, Cancer, Sex.
(Hygeia Media, 2009). This interesting book flows well and it presents a great deal of information without being overwhelming. You feel a part of what’s going on and the author helps you understand the various issues and how to cope with them. The areas covered range from how you might talk to people about your cancer, to when you might tell a new partner about your situation. And good luck finding another resource that so clearly helps a sexual partner to understand the emotional scars that the various treatments can leave behind. [Katz’ companion book for men is available as well.]

Breast Cancer Husband, How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) Through Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond
by Marc Silver, Rodale Books (2004). If your partner has breast cancer,
GET THIS BOOK!

For a very helpful explanation of how to help your vagina after chemo or radiation, see
Vaginal Recuperation after Cancer or Surgery
, on the website of A Woman’s Touch:
www.a-womans-touch.com

CHAPTER

82

Bashful Bladder

F
inding the right home for this unusual subject was such a struggle that we decided to provide it with its own separate chapter. It didn’t fit in with the chapter on sex fluids, or with sex at all. But if you struggle with being pee shy, you will be relieved by the discussion that follows.

Being Unable to Pee in Public

You wouldn’t believe the number of people who have trouble using public rest rooms, and not because they don’t like the smell or have hygiene issues. Being unable to relieve yourself in a public rest room is a very real problem that can be extremely limiting. Being pee-shy can get in the way taking a urinalysis at work or for a job interview. It’s a problem any time you need to pee on demand, like at the doctor’s office for a physical exam. People with this problem can even find it a challenge to urinate in a private bathroom while at a friend’s home or when at a party.

We recently heard from a college student who was worried because he had enlisted in the Marine Corps and was soon going to ship out for basic training. He would sometimes walk up three flights of stairs in his college dorm to find an empty bathroom where he could relieve his bladder. He had no idea how he was going to manage in basic training, where there would be next to no privacy at all.

This problem is called paruresis or bashful bladder syndrome. For readers who don’t have a bashful bladder, imagine what it’s like never being able to pee while you are at a concert, baseball game, or when dining at a restaurant. Imagine what it’s like when you seriously need to relieve yourself and your bladder freezes up whenever someone walks into the rest room.

For millions of Americans, this happens each and every time they try to urinate when they are not in their own home. The only safe place they can go for vacation is to the beach. Or maybe someone’s swimming pool.

Paruresis comes in different degrees: some people who have it can go in a public rest room as long as they are in a closed stall. Others are unable to go in a rest room if anyone else is there, and some can’t urinate at all if they are anywhere but home. They won’t even try to enter a crowded rest room after a movie, between classes, or during an intermission at a large event.

You might have the idea that this is a wimp’s disorder, e.g. “A real man could just whip it out and pee.” But plenty of guys who have this problem are tough enough to take on any and all comers. They have no shortcomings with women or sex, and are in high demand on both scores. Not only is it impossible for them to go in a public bathroom, but some need to sit when they urinate at home for fear the stream will make noise and someone will know they are peeing. This is in stark contrast to the independent and able men who they are in other parts of their lives.

The problem often starts before adolescence. Some people with shy-bladder problems can remember back to a specific event that triggered the anxiety. For instance, a kid having to use a group urinal in a baseball stadium with a bunch of grown men who are standing around him peeing six innings’ worth of beer. For others, the causes can be more unconscious.

Far more men have shy-bladder syndrome than women, but few women are asked to urinate next to each other without being in an enclosed stall. Guys are expected to go where other guys can watch, casually discussing the weather with each other while whipping it out and doing their business.

The problem can be severe enough that some people need to carry a catheter in order to relieve themselves. But the best way to deal with the problem is with desensitization techniques. For most people, these exercises can provide a decrease in the severity of their bashful-bladder problem. These exercises are described in an excellent book which is recommended below.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED:
“Shy Bladder Syndrome—Your Step-By-Step Guide to Overcoming Paruresis” by Soifer, Zgourides, Himle and Pickering, New Harbinger (2001). Also try visiting their excellent website at:
www.paruresis.org
. This website provides a great list of articles and help.

CHAPTER

83

Sex & Diabetes

Y
ou’re not going to believe this, but nowhere on the website of the American Diabetic Association do they discuss whether swallowing when giving a guy oral sex impacts your blood sugar level, or if diabetic girls taste sweeter. At least they were kind enough to intimate that nobody’s diabetic penis is going to get gangrene, although you might hold off on wearing a cock ring. Decreased circulation and numbness can be a problem with diabetes, and why risk making it worse?

As for aerobic activity, just about anyone who has ever done a finger stick knows about the importance of exercise. Exercise increases the number of insulin receptors in your cells. This can help your insulin work better and make your diabetes easier to manage. Fortunately, there’s no rule that says exercise can’t be done while you are naked at home with your sweetheart rather than at a gym. Like with any exercise, check your BG and have a snack if needed.

Unfortunately, exercise that’s sexercise needs a diabetic caveat or two. For instance, one reader had a nasty experience while performing oral sex on her boyfriend. It was her first time, so she assumed the funny feeling she was having was from being nervous. She was kneeling over the boy when she fainted from low blood sugar, almost choking on his penis. At least she thinks the culprit was low blood sugar.

Checking your blood sugar before, during and after sex is the last thing anyone feels like doing. But until you understand your body’s reactions while making love, especially with a new partner, taking frequent readings is the only way you will learn. Also keep in mind that the emotional part of being with a new partner can add to the blood-sugar lowering potential.

You will want to learn about your body’s reactions in the minutes and hours after sex. The muscles in a horny pelvis eat up extra glucose, especially when it’s been rocking back and forth. And hormones like adrenaline, noradrenaline and prolactin are released during orgasm. They can change your blood sugar, sometimes dramatically.

A healthcare provider or diabetes educator can help you with lovemaking-management strategies. Should you adjust your insulin downward? Is it a good idea to inject yourself in the abdomen instead of your thigh before a love-making marathon, or does the bunny-like thrusting of hips cancel any slow-down in the insulin-absorption rate that you might hope to gain? Should you eat something other than your partner before, during or after having sex?

Since high blood sugar and ketones are best managed by drinking lots of water and exercise, highly-aerobic sex might be just what the doctor ordered. And peak insulin times simply require a food snack before your sex snack.