The Guide to Getting It On (21 page)

Hymen Issues

If you have trouble removing tampons and intercourse is uncomfortable and your gynecologist says you have a septate hymen, a bit of local anesthetic and a small snip can often do wonders. A septate hymen is one that hangs vertically through the center of the vagina and looks a bit like the uvula at the back of your throat except it usually attached at both the top and the bottom. The ridge around the head of the penis can catch on this kind of hymen during the out strokes of intercourse.

An “imperforate hymen” is more rare than a septate hymen. It is where the hymen completely covers the opening of the vagina. If you really do have an imperforate hymen, having it taken care of surgically is essential.

If you are having discomfort during sexplay, don’t automatically assume the problem is your hymen. One thing to discuss with your gynecologist is whether the pain is at the opening or the back of your vagina. Before assuming your hymen is to blame, you might want to rule out things like vaginismus, vulvar vestibulitis syndrome, chronic constipation, certain infections, adhesions under the clitoral hood, or when the woman is not adequately aroused or there’s not enough lubrication.

Vaginsimus is when the ring of muscles around the opening of the vagina automatically clamps shut. Vulvar vestibulitis is where the vestibule and the hymen are very tender when touched lightly with even a cotton swab, not to mention an incoming penis or somebody’s fingers.

NOTE:
No matter what your symptoms are, if a hymenectomy is suggested, get a second opinion. This is not only wise but important.

CHAPTER

9

Orgasms

“Define orgasm? It’s somewhere between a hand grenade and a sunset.”
—Mr. Billy Rumpanos, lifetime surfer and early friend of Goofy Foot Press

One of the many nice things about sharing sex is having orgasms, also known as coming. But orgasms are not without their mystery. Perhaps it might be helpful to consider a few comments about orgasm from Dr. Frieda Tingle, the world’s leading expert on sex:

Q. Dr. Tingle, what do you think of sex in America?

A. I think it would be a good idea.

Q. Do you think Americans are too concerned about orgasms?

A. Whose? Their own or their neighbor’s?

Q. In general.

A. Orgasm is very important for many Americans because it tells them when the sexual encounter is over. Most of these people enjoy competitive sports, where some official is forever blowing a whistle or waving a little flag to let them know the event has ended. Without orgasm, they would be fumbling around, never knowing when it was time to suggest a game of Scrabble or a corned-beef sandwich.

Q. What kind of things affect a person’s ability to have an orgasm?

A. One important factor is diet. Many times I have been told that it is impossible to have an orgasm after eating an entire pizza. I assume this has something to do with the Italian religious taboo against sexual abandon. Another factor is the weather. Many patients have told me that if the window is open and they are being rained on, it is particularly difficult to have the orgasmic experience....

(Dr. Frieda Tingle is the alter ego of Carol Tavris and Leonore Tiefer.)

Orgasm Defined

The best way to define orgasm is to put your hand in your pants and give yourself one. But this assumes that you are able to give yourself orgasms and that you don’t have six different kinds when you do. Perhaps you will find the following definition to be helpful:

• Orgasms are extra-special sensations that people sometimes experience while being sexual, either alone or with a partner. They occur after a certain threshold of excitement has been crossed and can last from seconds to minutes or longer. A sense of well-being or relief often follows. This might be due to a release of pain inhibitors following orgasm. For instance, studies have shown that people with arthritis sometimes get pain relief for three to four hours after having an orgasm.
  
• Orgasms often feel as if they are being broadcast from the genitals or pelvic floor, although there is no reason why they can’t come from other parts of the body.
  
• Some people experience orgasm as a single, tidal-wavelike surge of sensation with a couple of brief aftershocks; others experience it as a series of waves, genital sneezes, or bursts of light, color, warmth, and energy. Some describe orgasm as creeping up on them and slowly flooding their senses. Some of us experience it as an explosion while others call it a whisper.
  
• Some orgasms make you feel great; others can be wimpy and disappointing. Some orgasms are strictly physical; others are physical and emotional. Some reach into the body; others reach into the soul. Some are intense and obvious; others are diffuse and subtle.
  
• The way an orgasm feels can vary with different types of sexual activity; for instance, oral sex orgasms might feel different from intercourse orgasms. Masturbation orgasms are often the most intense, but not necessarily the most satisfying.
  
• Orgasms with the same partner are likely to run the gamut from totally spectacular to downright disappointing. It depends on the particular day, and whether your worlds are colliding or are in sync.
  
• Some people have orgasms when a lover kisses them on the back of the neck; others need a stick or two of dynamite between the legs. The amount of stimulation needed to generate an orgasm has nothing to do with how much you enjoy sex.
  
• When shared with someone you love, the feelings that follow orgasm can make it possible to experience a special kind of intimacy.
  
• Some people feel pleasantly amped or energized following orgasm, while others feel mellow and might want to sleep. For some people, one orgasm begs for another. For others, it calls for hugging and tenderness.
  
• Genitals can become extremely sensitive after having an orgasm. Stimulation that may have felt wonderful moments before orgasm often feels painful or abrasive immediately after. It never hurts to ask your partner about this, since it’s true for some but not all.
  
• Some people are easily derailed on the road to orgasm. For others, the phone can ring, the earth can shake, and a dam can break—they come no matter what.
  
• A philosopher named Sartre noticed that as he was having an orgasm he entered his own private orbit which caused him to lose awareness of his partner. Some philosophers make up for this temporary separation by feeling extra-close immediately following orgasm.
  
• It is not necessary or even desirable for partners to come at the same time. For instance, it can be wonderful to feel or watch your partner have an orgasm, which is difficult to do if you are coming simultaneously. On the other hand, it might be nice to occasionally blast off together. Just be aware that not many couples are able to pull this off.
  
• Some people have orgasms with their legs squeezed together, while others come with their legs wide apart (innies vs. outies). People who prefer coming one way sometimes find it difficult to come the other way.
  

Does Orgasm Alter Your Consciousness?

When people are coming, they often experience a change in consciousness. Some of the latest brain research suggests why.

Doing high-tech scans on orgasming brains is very new and fraught with technical difficulties. They are highly suspect for technical reasons that are not the fault of the researchers. That said, PET scans of the brains of orgasming people show that several parts of the conscious brain are shut down or turned off when a person is having an orgasm. From the scans, it appears that people enter into a deep, emotionless state while coming—with women going into an even deeper state than men.

Past editions of this book described some women’s orgasms as transporting them into another dimension that incorporates aspects of Disneyworld and perhaps an orbit or two around the moons of Jupiter. The new brain-scan data suggest that this might result from a combination of what’s being shut down in the orgasming person’s mind, in addition to what’s being lit up.

Your Partner’s Orgasms

We often assume that a partner who has an orgasm is fully satisfied, while one who doesn’t is somehow disappointed. This assumes that you want nothing more from sex than orgasms. For instance, most of us can give ourselves really intense orgasms when we masturbate, but not many of us can get feelings of closeness, friendship, and love when we do ourselves solo. For some people, these latter feelings are the most important part of lovemaking. So try to be sensitive, but not too paranoid, about your partner’s orgasms.

Women, Orgasms and Intercourse

If wanting orgasms were the sole reason for doing a particular sex act, not that many women would bother with intercourse. Not many women have orgasms from thrusting alone during intercourse. Most women who have orgasms during intercourse need extra clitoral stimulation with fingers or by grinding their clitoris into a lover’s pubic bone. And lots of women prefer having an orgasm before intercourse. They say that intercourse feels better after they’ve come.

Things that increase the chance of orgasm: being seriously into your partner, exercise and a healthy diet, reading romance novels and seeing erotic images, and anything else that turns you on or increases your level of excitement. (Going to college increases the chance of a woman orgasming from masturbation; guys have never needed a degree to figure that one out.)

Things that decrease the chance of orgasm: being annoyed or angry with your partner, smoking (chemicals in tobacco constrict blood flow to the genitals and may lower the level of testosterone in both men and women), stress (notice how you tend to have more sex while on vacation), not sleeping enough and taking certain drugs. Antihistamines will dry up more than just your nose, and there’s a huge list of drugs that will dent your libido or seriously delay your orgasm, especially SSRI anti-depressants such as Prozac, Zoloft and Paxil. Hormonal methods of birth control can have sexual side effects in some women, as is reported in the chapter on birth control.

Being Catholic also makes it less likely that women will have orgasm during intercourse. Almost twice as many Protestant women as Catholic women report they orgasm during sex. Perhaps one problem for Catholic women is the Catholic church’s strident prohibition against touching yourself, which is how a lot of women learn to have orgasms. Information on how Catholic males learn to have orgasms is still under litigation in many dioceses throughout the land.

Expressions, Decibels & The Way People Come in the Movies

Some people worry about how they behave when they are having orgasms. Some are self-conscious because they lose control, others because they don’t. The answers? There are none. There is no correct way to come. Sexuality is an altered state of mind; what you do with it is strictly a matter of personal choice.

Some people fear that they will look weird if they allow themselves to be overwhelmed by an orgasm. They fear that their partner will laugh or find them ugly. Quite to the contrary. It is far more likely that a partner will think something like the following: