The Harder I Fall (17 page)

V
ALENTINE’S
D
AY, UGH.
E
VERYWHERE
I
looked there were couples in love, laughing, holding hands. It made me want to throw up. Sadie was singing in our dorm room while she got ready for her date with Julian. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out until this day was over.

“Are you sure you don't want to come with us?” she called.

“Um, yeah, totally sure.” I rolled my eyes. I knew she meant well, but there was no way I wanted to be on a date at a romantic restaurant with her and Julian and a zillion other happy couples.

“Please tell me you’re not just going to sit around in here all night.”

“I was planning on it,” I admitted. “I can’t stomach all the love out there today.”

She looked over at me. “I get that, but you need to live again. It’s not good for you to be so sad all the time.”

“It’s working for me right now. Please don't worry about me. I’ll be okay.”

“Will you?”

“Eventually, yes.”

Thankfully, she let the subject drop, and went back to getting ready. A while later, someone knocked on the door. “I’ll go let Julian in,” I said.

I opened the door and found Julian with two big bouquets of flowers in his hands. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” He kissed my cheek and handed me one of the bouquets.

“Oh, how sweet of you. You so did not have to do this.”

“I know that, but I wanted to.” He followed me inside.

“Sadie, Julian’s here,” I called.

“Okay, be out in a sec.”

“So, how are you?” he asked.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you?”

“Sort of. Look, I’m not going to hang myself with the shower curtain the second you guys leave. I’m not going to break; I’ve been through worse and gotten over it.”

He smiled. “I’m glad to hear I won't have to cut you down when we get home. I just, I don't know, I just want you to know that you don't have to always be strong. It’s okay not to be.”

“I’m not strong right now. I’m far from it. But I’ll get there someday.”

He took a step toward me just as Sadie came out in her hot red dress and heels.

“Good lord, you look hot!” He grinned at her.

“Thanks, baby, you don’t look so bad yourself.” She kissed him, molding her body against his. I heard his breath hitch and his hand snaked around to pull her closer to him. I felt like a voyeur, watching this private moment.

“Okay, you guys have fun tonight,” I murmured and went back into my room.

“Are these for me?” I heard Sadie’s girlish voice ask. I put my headphones on and grabbed my iPad to read for the rest of the night.

Eventually, hunger made me leave my cocoon. I ventured out into the cold to get something to eat. I went to the dining hall, not wanting anything fancy. I was one of maybe five people inside. I grabbed a tray and got whatever they had on special. It was some kind of meat with potatoes. I sat down with my iPad, barely tasting the food. It was just fuel, something that would help me to dance without wanting to pass out.

As I walked back to my dorm, the snow was falling in soft flurries around me. Of course, I had to see
him
.

“Becca.” He looked amazing, while I was in sweats with no makeup on.

“Hi.” I tried not to look directly at him. I know it would only be worse if I saw his eyes. He always saw right through me.

“How are you?” He looked uncomfortable, and I wondered why he wasn’t out with
her
.

“I’m okay. Surviving.” I didn’t want to be talking to him. It hurt me just to look at him. He was my downfall, everything that could kill me.

“Julian told me you have a show coming up,” he said. He knew about the show, he was obviously as uncomfortable as I was.

“I do.” I didn’t know how to talk to him anymore. It was like talking to a stranger. I was so afraid of saying something stupid. I made the mistake of looking up at him and he stole my breath. I wanted to touch him. To have him kiss me. Just one more time. He was saying something else, but I was mesmerized by the way his lips looked while he spoke.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

“I asked if you were ready.” His lips quirked up in that half smile he always made. I knew I needed to get away; if my heart was going to stay intact, I needed to go, and I needed to go now.

“I am. Caroline is an awesome partner.”

“I’ve seen you two practice, you guys are-”

I cut him off. “Stop. I can’t do this. I can’t hear about you watching me dance. It hurts me too much. Don’t you get that?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think.” He looked sad, and for a second, I almost told him it was okay.

“I need to go,” I said, pushing past him and running in the falling snow to my dorm.

It took me a while to fall asleep; seeing him had me all wound up. I woke up to a grey and snowy day. It seemed that the weather knew how awful I felt and had decided to play along. Caroline and I were meeting for our last rehearsals; the show was the following night.

I saw Julian and Sadie wrapped around each other like a blanket on her bed and I smiled. I was glad someone was happy and in love.

Caroline was waiting with two cups of coffee when I got to the studio.

“You are my hero.” I took one of the cups and hugged her.

“I thought I was going to freeze to death when I walked outside this morning. It’s way cold.” I unlocked the studio and we both went into the locker room to get changed. “You know it’s a bad sign when you can still see your breath inside.” Her teeth chattered.

“You’ll be fine once we get warmed up.” I laughed.

“Too cold to dance. How about I just watch you from under a blanket?” she whined.

“Nope, not happening. Get changed, whiny pants.”

I was right. Once we finished our warm-up routine, we were both starting to sweat. I pushed both of us through the routine. “Let the music take you,” I told her as I watched. “Good, better.”

When it was my turn, I tuned everything out. I just heard the music and the sound of my beating heart. I twisted and turned, my arms reaching out. I felt it; the emotion of the dance was beautiful.

“Are you sure you want me to dance this with you? It’s so powerful when you do it alone,” Caroline said.

“It’s a duet. Of course I want you to dance it with me.”

“I think you should do this one alone, and we’ll do the others together.” She shook her head. “There’s no way I can match your emotion in this.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very sure. You’re going to kill it.” She grinned.

We ran through the other dances a few times before we had to go to class. “See you tonight?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be here.” I watched her go before I turned the music back on and ran through my solo routine again.

On my way back to the dorm, I saw Levi and
her
walking hand in hand, laughing. Ugh, when would it stop feeling like my heart was being shredded into ribbons when I saw him? I put my head down and walked past them. He saw me and smiled; I didn’t smile back.

“Up and at ‘em!” I yelled when I walked into the dorm. This was our habit; I woke the girls when I got back from dancing in the morning. Layla and Mel stumbled out into the common room.

“What time is it?” Mel mumbled.

“7:30, normal time. Do either of you want the shower first?” I asked.

“Uh uh, you go ahead.” Layla motioned for the bathroom.

I went into my room to grab my clothes and found Sadie and Julian still asleep. “Come on, you two, time to get up. Sadie, I know for a fact you have a class in an hour.” I threw a pillow at them.

“Five more minutes,” Julian murmured and snuggled in closer to Sadie.

“You better be up by the time I’m done with my shower.” I tossed another pillow on them.

“Thanks, Mom,” Sadie giggled.

An hour later, we all walked to the dining hall together for breakfast. I grabbed a banana and joined them at the table. “Is that all you’re eating for breakfast?” Sadie arched a brow.

“Yup.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but shut it again. “Are you excited about your show tomorrow night?” she asked instead.

“Yeah, Caroline is letting me do one of the routines as a solo.”

“Oh yeah?” Mel asked.

“Yeah, I’m sort of nervous about it. I had it in my head as a duet.”

“You’re going to kill it.” Mel grinned at me.

“I got all of you front row tickets.”

“You did? That’s awesome. Thanks, Becca,” Sadie squealed.

After breakfast, we all split off to go our separate ways. I had back to back classes most of the day and then work before meeting up with Caroline for our last rehearsal. I still felt like I was just going through the motions. Daily life sucked. I didn’t want to go to my classes, or work. The only thing I really wanted to do was dance.

The whole day seemed to drag by, class after class that I could barely pay attention to. I knew I should care, but I couldn’t seem to make myself. Work was the same, except I had a fake smile on and I had to be nice to people. It seemed like everywhere I looked, I would see Levi. Like we were, for some reason, always in the same place. It was getting worse; each time I saw him, it hurt more. I should never have let myself fall for him. That was my first mistake.

“
A
RE YOU READY?”
C
AROLINE ASKED
. She looked bright and happy. The opposite of me. We were backstage getting dressed. We had both decided on all black leotards and tutus. We both had pale skin, so it was a striking contrast.

“Yeah. Are you nervous?” I asked.

“Did you see how many people are out there? Of course I’m nervous.”

I wasn’t nervous; this was the one time I felt alive. “Come on, let’s go take our places behind the curtain.”

We started the first piece holding hands, so we stood just behind the red curtain with our hands linked. I turned to her. “Let’s kill it.”

The music began just as the curtain rose. Our bodies moved as one, each step in unison, each twirl in sync. The audience erupted in applause as the song finished and we bowed. The curtain fell again and we prepared for the next few pieces.

Finally, it was my turn for the solo. “Go knock ‘em dead.” Caroline hugged me tightly.

I took my place on the stage, my arms held high above me. As the music started, I lost myself to it. I forgot that there was anyone watching and just danced for myself. Dancing was so freeing for me, I didn’t have to pretend to be anything but who I was. I poured every ounce of emotion I had into each twist, each leap.

When the music ended, I was awed by the applause I received. Everyone in the theater was on their feet clapping. I could see Sadie, Mel, Layla, and Julian in the front row. Julian had his arm around Sadie, and she had tears streaming down her cheeks. In the row behind them, I saw Chad and Ruth clapping for me. I was touched that she would come and bring Chad.

Caroline joined me onstage and we both took our bows. She hugged me tightly as we exited the stage. “That was amazing! I feel like I can conquer the world right now.”

Her excitement was refreshing, and for once, I didn’t feel so sad. We had done an amazing job, and we’d worked so hard for it. I was proud of us both.

“You were awesome out there,” I told her.

“Thanks. I knew making that last piece a solo was a good bet. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the whole place. I’m really proud of you.”

I flushed. “Thanks. That really means a lot.”

“I mean it. You are so talented. I love watching you dance. It’s really an honor to share the stage with you.”

I didn’t know what to say. “No, it’s me who’s honored. I’ve never in my life had a friend who understood what ballet means to me. You get it. I appreciate you more than I can say.” I pulled her into a hug.

“Okay, enough mushiness. Let’s go get changed and get out of here,” she said.

I found Ruth and Chad waiting for me when I came out. Julian and Sadie were off to the side talking with Levi. “You were wonderful, honey.” Ruth hugged me.

“Thank you for bringing Chad; it means a lot to me.”

“There’s nowhere else I would rather be. I’ll give you two some time.” She went off to join Levi and Julian.

“So, you and Levi are done?” Chad asked.

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

“No, but hey, we both know I’ve been through worse.” I smiled. “Tell me about you. How are things going?”

“Really good. Macie and I are still together. School is awesome. I never thought I would actually enjoy going, but I do.”

“That’s really great. I’m so happy you’re where you need to be.”

“Listen,” he said, “Mom called me the other day.”

“Really? What did she have to say for herself?” I didn’t want to hear it, but I could tell he needed to say it.

“That she wants me to come home. I shouldn’t be living with strangers, you know, that sort of thing.”

That pissed me off. She always pulled that crap with Chad. She would treat him with indifference for months, and then he would be her pet for a week. She would dote on him, buy him things, tell him how much she loved and needed him.

“What did you say?” I asked.

“I told her to shove it.”

I laughed. “Did you really?”

“I did. I’m so sick of her doing this to me.”

Sometimes I forgot he was only fifteen. He always seemed so much older, probably a product of our circumstances.

“Don’t worry about her,” I told him. “She can’t get to you ever again.”

I glanced over at Ruth and found Levi looking back at me. She was saying something to him and he frowned and looked away. Ruth saw me looking and smiled.

“Is it always going to be weird like this?” Chad asked.

“What do you mean?”

“With Levi. I mean I’m sort of part of his family now, and I know I’m going to see him a lot. Should I hate him?”

“No, Levi is a good guy. Don’t hate him on my behalf. We just weren’t good together.”