The Heart of Memory (31 page)

“Yes, I did. And I’m here now and I want to do what I can to help. I know you don’t necessarily trust me right now, and I understand why. I won’t push you to share with me what’s going on, but I
do
want to know, and I do want to help if I can.”

Jessie eyed her warily. “Let me think about it. I’m going to go take a shower.”

“Go right ahead. Are you hungry? I’ll make us something to eat. Do you know when your father will be home?”

“No. I don’t even know where he is.”

“Alright then. Come on down when you’re ready; I’ll go cook something up.”

Savannah went downstairs, pride still smarting but feeling far more confident in the restoration of their relationship than she’d expected to be. She opened the cupboards, searching for comfort food, and was pleasantly surprised when she found what she was looking for.

Jessie appeared half an hour later, her hair still wet. “Waffles?”

“I always find carbs comforting.”

Savannah put a plate of two waffles in front of Jessie, along with a glass of milk. “So.”

“So.”

“Dad told me about Adam.”

Jessie’s eyes went to her plate and stayed there. “Yeah.”

“That was incredibly shallow of him.”

“I don’t know … I don’t feel like I can really blame him.”

“Why not?”

“Because it makes sense he’d be so hurt. And what if our roles had been reversed—would I really want to go see his parents, spend Christmas day with them, knowing they’d put you out of a job?”

Savannah was encouraged by how little judgment was in Jessie’s tone. “I understand his loyalty to his family, and what a tight spot this has put them in. Ministries operate very differently from businesses. The knowledge of a higher purpose involved and a shared belief system breaks down those formal, business-like walls that people tend to erect between themselves and their superiors. We were all like family at A&A; which was good. But when life happens and businesses fail, people need to realize it wasn’t done intentionally. Nothing personal was meant by it. Mistakes have been made that I’m just now finding out about, and those mistakes are part of what led to A&A’s demise. I don’t want to go into details,” she added when she saw Jessie look up with curiosity, “because I want to make sure I’ve got all my facts straight—and I need to talk to your father to do that. But point being—Adam should have known our family better than to think we’d ever hurt his family — or anyone — on purpose. We didn’t ‘screw them over.’ The money ran out and we had to close down.”

Jessie nodded a little as she cut her waffle across the gridlines. “I guess that makes some sense. I’m just … I’m mad at God that all this happened. I don’t see how any of this can turn out well.”

Savannah brought her own plate to the bar and sat beside her daughter. “I know how that feels, believe me. At least your anger is
yours”

“Yeah … Dad told me about the whole cellular memories thing.” She looked sideways at Savannah. “I’m having a hard time believing it. Sounds a little kooky to me.”

“It sounds kooky to me, too. But what other theories are there to explain it all?” She poured maple syrup over the waffles, wishing she had some strawberries. “But the good news is that I had started therapy back in Georgia, and I think it’s helping.”

“Really?”

“Yes. The folks at The Refuge are pretty remarkable. I hope you get to meet Tabitha someday. And Aniyah. The cooking this woman does, let me tell you …”

They continued to talk after dinner about Savannah’s experiences in Georgia and Jessie’s trials at school, until the clock on the mantel struck 2:30 and Jessie decided to turn in. Savannah sat in the living room with the remains of her coffee, longing for Aniyah’s sweet tea and reflecting on the last three hours she’d spent with her daughter. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d talked that long. She wasn’t actually sure they ever had.

But as the night settled around her, the warmth from their conversation gave way to a chill at the memory of what she’d found in Shaun’s office. She was getting anxious to hear the whole story. When would Shaun get home?

By 3:30, she was worried that he wouldn’t.

CHAPTER 15

T
HE SOUND OF THE GARAGE DOOR OPENING STARTLED
S
AVAN
nah awake. She pushed herself upright on the couch where she’d fallen asleep and checked her watch. 4:15 a.m.
What on earth has he been doing all this time?

She stood and straightened her clothes as she psyched herself up for the confrontation. When he walked in and saw her, she knew things would not go well. She tried not to sound as angry as she felt. “Where have you been all night? I was really starting to worry.”

“Honestly? I came home three hours ago and saw you through the window. I didn’t feel like talking. What are you doing home?”

“It sounded like things were getting desperate here. I thought it wise to come back and do what I could to keep them from falling apart.”

He snorted, not even bothering to look her in the eyes. “A day late and a dollar short, darling.”

“Not when it comes to Jessie. Just in time, actually.”

He said nothing and walked away toward his office. She steeled her courage and said, “So what’s the story with Carlie Stone?”

He froze, his back still turned to her. “What did you say?”

“I know everything, Shaun. Carlie, the audit, the fact that you’re doing something with the ministry’s money.”

He said nothing, and a rock took up residence in Savannah’s chest. What if she’d been horribly wrong? But then his shoulders slumped. His entire frame seemed to deflate. He turned, and his face was filled with grief, his eyes imploring her not to hate him. “I’m sorry, Savannah. God, I am so sorry. I can’t even — “ His voice broke; he covered his eyes with a trembling hand. “I thought I could get everything worked out. I did everything I could think of to shore up A&A and replenish our savings. But everything I tried backfired on me. I never meant to ruin us, I swear.”

He sank into a chair and Savannah followed suit, stunned silent at hearing their personal savings had been affected too. In a trembling voice, Shaun laid out everything that had happened.

It had all started with the letter from the IRS. The first two years A&A had been an official entity, Shaun had done the accounting, teaching himself along the way. Unfortunately, he’d made some very large mistakes on their taxes, and when the government came calling three years later the ministry owed twice as much money as he’d thought they did. Too embarrassed to admit his mistake, he decided not to tell the new accountant, who would have paid the back taxes out of A&A’s savings, which at the time were so meager they wouldn’t have been sufficient anyway. Instead, he had paid the taxes with their personal savings, depositing it into A&A and then pulling it out so it was an official A&A payment.

His plan had been to skim a little here, a little there, and pay back to their savings what he’d used to pay the taxes. He made sure to always maintain some level of access to A&A’s financials, and to keep the amounts small so they wouldn’t be detected. He hired accountants who were green, who were star-stuck with Savannah and had no problem rubber-stamping anything that came from her. He began submitting personal receipts for reimbursement on her forms as a way to collect back what the ministry owed him.

It had worked fine for a while—until they’d hired Carlie Stone. She had been zealous about her job and about the ministry, always looking for ways to help the other staffers when she had free time. She was a hard worker, but there was something off about her—her manic-like energy, the way she violated others’ personal space, her seeming lack of understanding of social cues. She would walk into someone’s cubicle and offer to help, then began doing whatever she thought they wanted done without waiting for their response, even if it meant reading their reports or shuffling through the info cards they were trying to enter. People appreciated the offer of help, but not the way it was executed.

Shaun had left some receipts and a reimbursement form labeled as Savannah’s on his desk before leaving for a meeting. She’d gone in and decided to finish the form for him, and in doing so had noticed some of the receipts were for things Savannah hadn’t purchased—lunch from fast food restaurants (she never ate fast food), office supplies (it was Carlie’s job to order those), magazines and subscriptions (Carlie was pretty sure Savannah didn’t read Forbes Magazine or subscribe to Lebed’s stock picks). She’d gotten suspicious and confronted Shaun, who had denied any wrongdoing and had refused to explain himself to her. He’d let her go soon after citing “personality conflicts” as the reason. A few months later she’d sent her first threat and demand for money.

“I thought if I gave her what she wanted, she’d just go away. I didn’t think she’d keep coming back. But by the time I realized she wasn’t going to stop, I was afraid of what she might say to people, and of whom she might decide to talk to. It would have sounded bad enough had she followed through with her original threat, but then to add to it that I’d been paying her not to talk?”

“So, let me guess,” Savannah said, fighting to keep her voice neutral. “Nick figured out what was going on, too, and that’s why you fired him.”

“He was close. He hadn’t figured it out yet, no; but I was afraid he would. He was more conscientious with your forms than I thought he’d be. I couldn’t take any chances.”

“And then I got sick —”

“And the bills started pouring in.” He reached out a hand to her, a gesture of surrender. “Don’t hate me, Savannah. I was a fool and I know it. Please forgive me.”

Her heart was in turmoil. The anger she’d been happily living without had erupted again during Shaun’s confession. Ten years of her life down the drain because he hadn’t been man enough to admit his mistake. And now they were buried under debt and had no way to pay it off, had no way to pay their mortgage or the electric bill or their daughter’s tuition.

“I … I can’t even begin to talk to you about this right now. It’s so much more than I …” Savannah wanted to punch out a window, she was so angry. “Never mind. I’m going to bed.” She turned to head up the stairs and saw a shadow move in the hall.
Oh no.
“Jessie?” The shadow stopped. Shaun’s head dropped into his hands. “Jessie, honey, I know you’re there. Come out where I can see you.”

Jessie stepped out of the dark. Savannah could see the tears on her cheeks. Savannah tried to keep her tone even, to not let her anger spill into her conversation with her daughter. “You heard everything, didn’t you?”

“I can’t believe you.” Jessie was looking not back at Savannah, but at Shaun. “You lied to me. You let me think it was all Mom’s fault.” She disappeared down the back stairwell, and a moment later they heard the door to the garage open and slam shut and Jessie’s car rev to life.

Shaun moaned. “I can’t believe she heard me.”

“Well, you’d better go chase her down. I’m not doing your reconciliation for you.” She left and went into the guest bedroom, unwilling to sleep in the space that reminded her so much of him. She shut the door, waited until she saw Shaun’s car swing into the early morning in pursuit of Jessie, then let herself fall apart.

J
ESSIE POUNDED A FIST ON
the steering wheel as another sob broke from her throat. If she’d felt betrayed before by her father’s support of Savannah, hearing that it was actually he who was responsible for A&A’s downfall and their family’s descent into near-bankruptcy made her feel like she’d been knifed in the chest. He was a coward, a liar, a thief. Her family tree was rotten to the core. She felt doomed.

Driving on autopilot, she soon found herself on the empty lanes of I–25, the major highway that bisected the state. She took it north, deciding to go to Angie’s, then almost immediately changing her mind as she realized what time it was. Angie was in the throes of midterms just as she would be if she were still in school; to wake her before dawn with Jessie’s family drama would be unfair. She couldn’t do anything to help anyway. Instead, she took the exit for the 105 into Monument and drove to Angie’s parents’ house.

Angie’s parents—her mother, especially—had always treated Jessie like she was part of the family. It had been a long time since she’d seen them, given how infrequently she and Angie were able to get together these days. But their home was the safest place Jessie could think of, and as exhaustion threatened to put her asleep at the wheel, she knew she had to stop somewhere. It was the most logical place to go.

But once she was in the driveway of their stone ranch, she was overwhelmed with embarrassment. It was just past five a.m., the eastern sky glowing with the impending sunrise. She couldn’t just knock on their door now. Instead, she wrote
Sleeping in the backseat ~Jessie
on a napkin and gently closed their screen door on it, then climbed into the back of her car and proceeded once more to weep.

It was like finding out she was adopted, that the people she’d called Mom and Dad her whole life were just stand-ins for the people who held the titles by biology. No one was who they said they were. The anchors of her life were gone.

No, not true. What about God?

An excellent question. And one she didn’t feel emotionally prepared to answer right now.

But plenty of other questions needed to be answered instead. What now? Where to go? What to do? Who to trust? Each was daunting, but vital. Without answers she was adrift and alone, when what she really needed was someone to wrap their arms around her and let her know her life could be salvaged.

Through her tears she spied the slim leather-bound Bible she’d kept in her car since high school. She pulled it from the seat-back pocket and held it to her face. Its smell brought back memories of youth group meetings and after-school Bible studies, back in the days when she was embarrassed by her mother’s rising fame and struggling to come to terms with the Savannah she knew and the Savannah everyone assumed her mother was. Through it all, she’d never doubted God, never confused her frustration toward her mother with what she believed. Somewhere along the years she’d learned not to blame God for the actions of his followers, and the realization that these new revelations about her parents did nothing to alter God’s character or promises brought on a wave of relief. She opened the book to the Psalms and began to read, searching for the verses where David’s struggles and pain drove him to beg for God’s mercy and compassion. She could certainly relate to him tonight.

A
TAPPING ON THE GLASS
startled Jessie awake. The kind face of Angie’s mother, Gayle, almost brought on her tears again, and she rolled down the window as she felt the flush of self-consciousness warm her face.

“That can’t be comfortable.” Gayle smiled. “You know we have a perfectly serviceable guest room you could have slept in.”

“I didn’t get here until five.”

“Ah, then I understand. Hungry?”

Jessie gave her a sheepish nod. “A little.”

“Come on in. Lyle is out of town and I’d love some company.”

Jessie climbed out of the backseat and tried in vain to smooth out her rumpled pajamas. Gayle eyed her as she held open the door for her. “You actually changed into your pajamas to sleep in your car?”

Jessie gave an embarrassed chuckle. “I was already in them when I left the house.”

“Ah. Gotcha.” She pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. “Coffee?”

“Thanks.”

Gayle placed a steaming mug in front of Jessie, then pulled a box of pancake mix from the pantry. “I’m going to guess that whatever sent you driving around town in the middle of the night is serious enough to warrant pancakes, but if you’re really in the mood for cereal I’ve got Cheerios, too.”

“Pancakes would be great.” A small smile tugged at her lips. “I always find carbs comforting. But,” she added quickly, “you don’t have to go to all that trouble.”

“Nonsense, I’m happy to do it.” She glanced at Jessie with eyebrows arched as she poured the mix into a bowl. “So what happened?”

Jessie stirred milk and sugar into her coffee as she recounted the last few weeks in flat narrative. Her emotions felt turned off now, as though they’d gotten used up over the last twenty-four hours. When she reached the end she gave a little shrug. “So I’m out of school now, and just … I don’t know. I don’t know what comes next. You know, my mom and I had an almost decent conversation last night, although I’m still not at all prepared to let bygones be bygones and pretend like everything’s fine now. But now, knowing what really happened with A&A, feeling like the rug got pulled out from under me … I don’t have the energy to try to work on things with her. And it sucks, because I feel like we might have had a chance, like she was starting to come around. But all this
stuff …
I’m just so overwhelmed by it. I want to just lump her and Dad and Adam and everything into one giant ball and throw the whole thing out, even if they don’t all deserve it. And I know that’s stupid, but …”

Gayle set a short stack of pancakes in front of Jessie. “It’s not stupid at all. Of course you’re overwhelmed. I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t expect you to jump up and start sorting things out; sometimes it takes a while after the dust has settled before you can really start working on things, untangling them and fixing them. But I have to say I think you’re handling things very well.”