The Heart of Memory (27 page)

A knock on the door made her hands twitch and drop the sweater she was folding. “Who’s there?”

“Angie.”

“What!?” Jessie flung open the door. “Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?”

They threw their arms around each other. “My afternoon class got canceled and I knew you were having a hard time. Thought I’d drive down.”

“What if I’d been in class?”

Angie let her loaded backpack fall to the floor. “I’d have had plenty to keep me busy.”

Jessie shut the door and cleared a space off her bed. “Excuse the mess. I’m packing.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Yup.”

“This is all because of Adam?”

“No—you haven’t heard the latest.” Jessie told her about the letter she’d received, and about her conversation with Shaun the day before. “I swear I’m in the Twilight Zone. My life is completely upside down. And it’s so … claustrophobic here. Everyone knows about A&A, everyone knows about Adam and me, and give it long enough and everyone will know that I was getting kicked out for not paying tuition. I can’t wait to get out of here.”

“You can’t let them drive you away like that, Jess. They should be ashamed of themselves, gossiping like that. How un-Christianly of them.”

“Tell me about it—but I’m not about to subject myself to that kind of torture just so they can learn a lesson. Besides, I can’t stay. My tuition isn’t paid up.”

“Oh, right.” Angie took a box from the stack and began to tape it together. “So wait a minute. Tell me again what your mom thinks she has?”

“The cellular memory thing, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

Jessie let out a scoff. “Yeah, get this: she thinks she’s, like, becoming her donor or something like that.”

“What?”

“Supposedly there’s this thing that happens to some people when they get a transplant. They start taking on the characteristics of their donor. So she thinks all this weird stuff that’s been happening to her, all these changes in her personality and everything, are because of her heart donor.” She wiggled her fingers and rolled her eyes. “Like she’s in some episode of
Star Trek
or something.”

“You don’t think it’s possible?”

“Possible? I don’t know — maybe. Anything is possible, right? But I went onto this transplant forum that she joined so I could look around and see what other people said about this sort of thing.” She left out the fact that she’d originally joined to snoop on her mother, which had backfired since Savannah turned out to be more of a lurker than a poster. What few things she’d written hadn’t provided Jessie with the insights she’d hoped for. “And no one else mentions it. I mean, this is an international forum, you’d think there’d be some big discussions if it were common — or even credible. But there’s nothing there. So personally, I think she’s using it as an excuse. She’s drained their savings, she’s run away from her family, she’s destroyed the ministry — I think she’s just looking for something she can blame it on.”

“But doing all those things wouldn’t be like your mom, right?
Something
has to be driving her to do this stuff.”

Jessie’s hands went to her hips. “Seriously? You’re defending her?”

“I’m just saying there has to be some reason, because the Savannah Trover I know wouldn’t have done all those things.”

“Yeah, see, that’s the thing.” Jessie dropped a stack of books into a box. “Everyone thinks they know what Savannah Trover is like. They think she’s some spiritual powerhouse, all goodness and light. I’ve told you a million times how rotten our relationship is, how critical she is, how selfish—and she still managed to pull the wool over your eyes. I feel like I’m the only person on the planet who sees her for what she is. Even after all the crap she’s pulled and the ways she’s screwed up our family, Dad’s still defending her and insisting it’s not all her fault. Whatever.” She swiped at the tears that had formed in her eyes and pulled another handful of books from the shelves. “As far as
why
she’s doing this stuff— I don’t know. But I’m not surprised.”

Angie gave her a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry, Jess. I don’t know what to say.”

Jessie rubbed her eyes with the end of her sleeve. “That’s alright. Just … don’t cross over to the dark side and start trying to convince me she’s not at fault here. I don’t have anyone I can lean on any-more—not my dad, not Adam …” The mention of Adam crumbled her already fragile emotional state. “I still can’t believe he broke up with me. I thought he loved me.”

Angie’s arm went around her shoulder as she began to cry. “I’m so sorry, Jess. I really am.”

“And oh my gosh—how glad am I that we never slept together!”

Angie chuckled. “No kidding.”

Jessie accepted the tissue Angie pulled from the box on her desk and mopped her tears. “Thanks. I appreciate it. I’m glad you came down — though I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

“That’s why I came, duh.”

Jessie sniffed and chuckled through her tears. “True. Well, just a couple more days and I’ll be out of here. And who knows, maybe I’ll join you up in Denver someday soon.”

“You’re gonna transfer?”

“I don’t know.” Jessie shrugged. “But I’m not living at home for long. That’s for sure.”

S
AVANNAH’S CELL RANG AS SHE
was taking another bite of the strawberry cheesecake she’d made for that night’s dessert. Seeing Shaun’s name made her groan aloud. Definitely not someone she wanted to talk to right now. She tried to hit a button to send it to voicemail, but her finger slipped and hit the talk button instead.

“Oh crap,” she muttered, picking it up. “Hello?”

“Savannah, we need to talk.”

“Look, Shaun, I’m just getting ready for bed, how about—”

“Adam broke up with Jessie because we’re closing A&A.”

“What? That little fink! That’s ridiculous!”

“Well, I agree, but he did it anyway. Jessie is in a really bad place, and I think you need to talk to her.”

“Me?” She laughed “Shaun, I’m sure I’m the last person she wants to hear from.”

“She needs to know you’re on her side.”

“If she needs to know that, then why hasn’t she called? I find it hard to believe she actually wants to talk to me. She never does.”

“That’s because she’s learned she’s not as important to you as other things are.”

“That’s also ridiculous.”

“Is it? Ever since you started A&A she’s been a second priority at best. She knows it and she’s tired of it. She … she actually asked me to leave you.”

“Leave me—like,
divorce
me? You’ve got to be kidding.”

“The way she sees it, you’ve left us already—emotionally before, and physically now.”

Savannah couldn’t believe it was really that bad. Yes, she and Jessie had trouble connecting, but certainly she knew Savannah loved her. “Well, I hope you set her straight.”

“I tried, yes. But honestly, Savannah, I don’t know what to think anymore. You’re avoiding us, you haven’t said a thing about coming home any time soon, even though Thanksgiving is in a week—”

“Wait a minute. Are you actually siding with her?”

“I’m just saying I don’t see how we can keep up our marriage through this trial when you’re running away and you aren’t even
you
anymore.”

The air disappeared from her lungs. She slumped against the wall, thoughts spinning, until she grabbed onto one that gave her a rebuttal. “Well, since we’re just laying it all out there—explain what you were doing with the reimbursement forms from the last tour.”

His response came a beat too late. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You listed receipts on my form that weren’t from our trip.”

“No, I didn’t. Maybe that’s a cellular memory, too. Was Charlie an accountant?”

“That’s bunk, Shaun, and you know it. Marisa witnessed it, too.”

“Obviously she was mistaken — and why was she snooping around in my office? That alone would make me question whatever it was she told you. Obviously she was bitter about something and trying to make trouble for me.”

“Shaun Michael Trover, you are a bald-faced liar.”

“Enough of this. I need to go find Jessie and try to help her deal with the fact that her almost-fiance dumped her—something her
mother
should be doing.” The line went dead before Savannah could cry foul.

She was too shocked for tears. Her daughter wanted her out of her life. Her husband was lying, obviously, about something. Both of them were blaming her for the collapse of their worlds.

But could she really blame them?

She sat, frozen on the bed, until a wind kicked up outside and sent something flying into the window. The sharp sound scared her; she jumped and clutched a hand to her chest, where her heart galloped in fear. The adrenaline wouldn’t back down, though. She had too much to be afraid of.

I
T WAS JUST AN EXCUSE,
really. Shaun wasn’t going after Jessie. She needed her space, and he didn’t want to keep putting himself in a position to have to defend Savannah. He’d just wanted to get off the phone.

He retreated to his office and shut the door, then turned the ringer off on his phone in case Savannah called again. He shut down his computer as well, and when the screen went black, the room went completely dark. No distraction, no input, no stimulation. This was what he needed right now.

It was time to face the fact that he was a failure. It didn’t matter what Savannah had done, it didn’t change the truth about Shaun. Her shortcomings had contributed to the disaster that now lay at his feet; but had he not stolen from A&A’s savings, had he not squandered their own personal assets, things would look very different right now. He had ruined everything, and if several thousand dollars didn’t fall into his lap very soon, everyone was going to know about it.

He tried to think rationally about every facet of the situation. Likely outcomes: He would go to jail. His daughter would hate him, and she would need some serious therapy to sort out all the ways she had been hurt by both her parents and God. His wife would hate him, and given her position in the ministry, it was possible she could be implicated.

Despite what he’d told Jessie, his opinion of divorce was beginning to change. He was starting to think that leaving both Savannah and Jessie might be the most compassionate thing he could do. And once he’d put as much emotional and physical distance between himself and them as he could, then he could kill himself so he could get out from under the mountain he had created. He could leave a letter explaining everything so Savannah wasn’t blamed for the ministry’s financial ruin. His death might even pull Savannah and Jessie together. At least they’d have their disgust for him in common.

He nodded to himself as he rocked in his desk chair. It was a decent plan. Not one he was quite ready to implement, but knowing he had it in his back pocket gave him a sense of control for the first time in months.

He turned his computer back on. He needed to start getting the details sorted. First he’d figure out the divorce, then he’d figure out the death. For a moment he began to miss them, as though the plan had already been set in motion, but he reassured himself as he brought up an internet browser. At least he’d see them again in heaven.

S
AVANNAH PULLED THE COAT TIGHTER
around her shoulders and dodged a peach tree branch she’d veered too close to on her unsteady feet. The sun was setting, and the sky was awash in watercolors that she knew must look brighter to others. Everything today had been cast in gray to her.

She was such a mess of emotions she couldn’t even sort out what exactly she was feeling. Depression was one of them, she was pretty sure. Probably some hard-core anxiety, too. And, of course, the ever-present anger. She thought it ironic that she was living in a place that housed two full-time counselors and yet she had no one to talk to. She didn’t want to bring all this up to Tabitha; she didn’t think she’d earned the right to go to her with such deep troubles, not when Savannah had basically told Tabitha to take a hike when she’d tried to do the very same thing. She’d also gotten a call that morning from Rose, the therapist she’d talked to back in Colorado, that had brought her even lower. “Just checking in,” she’d said in her message. “I haven’t gotten very much help yet on your situation, but I didn’t want you to think I’d forgotten about you.” Savannah was tempted to tell her to give up. If there was any help to be found, someone would have by now. And despite the friendliness and empathy of the others staying there, none of them had any idea what she was going through.

She’d never been so alone. At least in the past she’d always had God to talk to. But now she had no one.

The wind picked up and she squinted against the dirt that flew into her face. A storm was rolling in from the north; she could see the massive black clouds in the distance. Part of her wondered if she should even be out here—how much stress would her heart take? Would she be okay if she started shivering?
Maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world if this heart went out too.
Her next check-up at the cardiology clinic was coming up; maybe they’d see her heart was getting too stressed and they’d give her a new one. Maybe if she got someone else’s heart she’d go back to being who she was. Maybe she could request a Christian this time. It would limit her odds of getting one before she died, but even then she’d at least be done with this nightmare.