The Heart of Memory (7 page)

Savannah would be mad when she found out. But he had to do it. What choice was there? If Nick was as conscientious as he appeared to be, it wouldn’t take long before he figured out Shaun’s scheme.

He didn’t anticipate any pushback; one of the reasons he’d hired Nick was because one of his references mentioned something about Nick’s avoidance of confrontation. As long as Shaun stayed firm, chances were Nick would slink away and never come back.

Shaun pulled into the parking lot and sat in his car for a minute, psyching himself up. He wished he could just get it over with, but he didn’t want to do it at the beginning of the day when everyone was around to see Nick pack up. He’d catch him around 4, ask him to stop by Shaun’s office before he left for the evening.

As for what Shaun would do until then, he had his work cut out for him. Time to start reacquainting himself with how to do the job of an accountant.

J
ESSIE TOOK THE LONG WAY
to the hospital, giving herself time to let her emotions sort themselves out before facing her mother. She was angry with Shaun for guilting her into going. But mostly she was scared. Scared to go to the hospital, a place she’d only been one other time, to say goodbye to a dying friend in high school. Scared to see her normally vibrant and healthy mother in the stark white bed. And, despite her chronic irritation with Savannah, she was scared her mother might die.

Yes, Savannah drove her nuts, with her critical view of everything Jessie did and her disinterest in building a more solid relationship with her daughter. Yes, she was sick of being in Savannah’s shadow, of hearing someone’s squeal of excitement when first meeting Jessie and discovering she was the daughter of
“that
Savannah Trover.” Yes, she was tired of being an involuntary spokesperson for A&A. But a girl needs her mother, and Jessie was no exception.

Knowing there was a chance, even a slim one, that Savannah might pass brought Jessie to tears. A tiny sliver of her heart still held to the dream of their relationship changing. Maybe it was time to start doing whatever she could to make that dream happen. It would have to be a two-way street, but if she didn’t get things going she might lose her chance.

But how?

Jessie parked the car in the visitor’s lot but kept it running as she analyzed her typical reactions with Savannah. She didn’t usually engage much, choosing instead to do whatever needed to be done with Savannah as quickly as possible and then retreating. And when Savannah said something that irked her, or hurt, or insulted, Jesse’s typical response was sarcasm or anger or passive-aggressiveness. She winced at the realization. Maybe their poor relationship wasn’t completely her mother’s fault after all.

“Okay, so what do I do differently?” She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, staring at the lobby doors, waiting for inspiration. “A little help?” she prayed aloud, glancing to the sky and then frowning when it dawned on her that she’d never really prayed about her relationship with her mom.
Figures it would take the possibility of death for me to finally start. I’m sorry I’m such a dunce, God.

She was about to give up and just go in when the word
honesty
came to her. “But I’ve been honest before. Haven’t I?” She sat with that thought for a moment, waiting to see if God revealed anything else.
Honest in my responses to her, yes. Honest with my feelings, no.

She’d never told Savannah flat-out how their messed-up relationship bothered her, or how Savannah’s criticism hurt, or how Savannah’s lack of interest in Jessie’s life made her feel like her mother didn’t really care about her as a person. It was time to lay it all out on the table—or, at least, to stop biting back her true feelings and opting instead for snark and sarcasm. If she didn’t start it now, she might never get the chance; and if, God forbid, Savannah really did die, Jessie didn’t want to spend the rest of her life wondering how different things might have been if she’d just spoken her mind.

But could she do it?

“Oh boy,” she sighed. “God, help me.” The prayer seemed to be her new mantra. She turned off the car, pulled the laptop case from the front seat, and headed for the hospital.

S
AVANNAH WAS WOKEN BY YET
another nurse checking her vitals. She groaned but didn’t have the energy to open her eyes and administer a glare of annoyance. “Again? You have got to be kidding me.”

The nurse chuckled. “Oh honey, you’ll go right back to sleep. Not like there’s anything else for you to do.”

“You’re telling me.” Savannah sighed, then jumped when the phone rang. “Hallelujah, conversation.” She pried open her eyes and saw the nurse smirking as she handed Savannah the receiver. “Hello?”

“Hey, Mom, it’s me.”

Savannah warmed at the voice. “Oh, sweetheart, hello.”

“I’m downstairs, but if you don’t want visitors it’s totally okay—”

“Of course I’d like to see you. Come on up.” Savannah handed back the receiver with a smile. That was a pleasant surprise. Hopefully it would be pleasant, anyway. They hadn’t talked much since Savannah’s failed attempt at emotional intimacy with her daughter. Maybe this would give her a chance to redeem herself. She wouldn’t be out of the hospital before Jessie went back to school, and then her opportunities for conversations would be even more scarce.

Jessie’s face peeked in the door a few minutes later, just as Savannah was about to close her eyes again. “Sweetheart, come in,” Savannah said. “Thanks for coming. Oh, my laptop, wonderful. Just set the bag on the floor. I’ll get it later.” She reached out her hands to give Jessie a hug, noting with an ache the way the girl hesitated, eyeing the heart monitor before leaning down to her. Savannah hadn’t seen a mirror in two days; no doubt she looked awful.

“Did I wake you up? You look really tired. Like,
really
tired.”

Savannah gave her a wan smile. “I am. But I can sleep all day, so don’t worry. If I could get more than an hour’s sleep at a time I might feel better. They poke and prod you at all hours here. It’s ridiculous.”

Jessie’s eyes slid back to the machine. Savannah couldn’t blame her. It was almost eerie, seeing the little green line jumping like the stock market chart, just like in the movies. “It’s mesmerizing,” Savannah admitted. “I spend way too much time staring at it, like it’s going to do something different all of a sudden. Or stop.”

Jessie’s gaze snapped to hers, and Savannah winced.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to be so noir.”

Jessie turned her back to the machine and looked around the room. “So, Dad said you’re stuck here for a week?”

“Yes. A very long week. But the laptop will help, if I can find the stamina to use it. Sit down, if you want.” She nodded to the chair beside the bed and smiled. “Terribly uncomfortable, I’ll tell you right now. So are you working today?”

“At noon, yeah; I’ll have to leave in half an hour.”

“That’s fine, I understand. You were sweet to come in; I appreciate it.”

Jessie smiled slightly. “Sure.”

“So when do you go back to campus?”

Jessie smiled. Savannah loved how Jessie’s face lit up like Shaun’s when she was excited about something. “The 27th. That’s the day before the freshmen orientation starts, and Adam and I are in charge of the welcome dinner. In the past it’s been this casual thing, right? But we decided to make it sort of like a formal, with the jazz combo doing background music and some of the upperclassmen—”

“You know, when I started there in ‘79, they held a separate welcome party for the women. So few women enrolled they just set up a table in the kitchen. They gave us a welcome tea, with doilies on the table, like we were a bunch of grannies or something. We all just died laughing.”

The memory came from nowhere, and made her want to laugh again, if only she had the energy. That was the first day she’d met Tabitha. She hadn’t thought of her in years. She knew how sad it was to admit that. “I had that great Farrah Fawcett feathered ‘do and used half a can of Aqua Net to get it to stay.”

She caught Jessie’s unreadable expression and gave a weak chuckle. “My gosh, I
sound
like a granny. Actually, I feel like one today, too.” She closed her eyes briefly, trying to summon the strength to keep up the conversation without feeling like her chest was going to explode. “So, you must have your classes picked out, then?”

“We did that before school ended in May. I told you the classes I was taking when I got back, remember?”

“You did? Oh, that was right before I left for the tour, wasn’t it? I was probably distracted; tell me again.”

Jessie was silent for a moment, then said with a sigh, “Child psych, worldviews, 21st Century Issues, and language arts.”

“That’s an interesting load. I think my junior year I took six classes both semesters. It was the one year I really put the pedal to the metal. You should consider picking up a fifth class. You don’t want your senior year to be—”

“I’ve got all my semesters already planned out, Mom. I know what I’m doing.”

“I didn’t say you didn’t, Jess. I just don’t want you to be overwhelmed your senior year, that’s all. Leave space to enjoy it.”

“I’m not planning on graduating next year anyway, Mom. Dad and I talked about this, remember? I’m going to take an extra semester so I don’t have to kill myself with school and work.” She huffed out a breath. “I know he told you, you just don’t remember. As usual.”

Savannah frowned. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. It must be this stupid heart thing—”

“No, it’s not, Mom.” Jessie rolled her eyes. “This is how you always are. If it doesn’t pertain to you, you don’t remember and you just plain don’t care.”

Horror dawned on Jessie’s face. Before Savannah could think of a response to the completely unexpected accusation, Jessie hopped up from her seat as though electrocuted. “I should go; there was traffic.”

Savannah watched Jessie disappear, her heart wounded in another way. She and Jessie had never connected; she knew she wasn’t always the most attentive mother, but to insinuate that she was self-centered to the point of ignoring her only child — that was ridiculous.

She hit the call button, and a nurse arrived a moment later and pulled the laptop from its case and set it on Savannah’s lap. Her thoughts hummed around in her head, though her body barely had the strength to type. She opened her mind-mapping brainstorming program and began to slowly take notes. Surely she had a book somewhere in this mess. Certainly that’s what God was expecting her to do with this experience — turn it into a way to minister to other Christian women facing hardship.

Scripture re: illness/hardship/suffering. Comforting the afflicted. Other ppl’s stories, not just mine?
She stopped frequently to let her thoughts play out or her mind wander, but also to rest her hands and eyes. She had fatigue in every muscle. She tried to be patient with herself and her limitations, but finally during yet another break she slapped the laptop shut with a grunt of anger.

Frustrated, she closed her eyes and fought tears. She hated crying when people might see her. She also hated being so weak, a prisoner to the strength-sucking heart disease that was hindering her from living the life she loved. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so still and unproductive.

The light bulb in her spirit went off again, just as it had the day before. She was doing it again—trying to do, do, do instead of just abiding with God and letting their time together overflow from her heart and into the way she ministered. That’s how A&A—
Abide
and Abound—had gotten its start. She was embarrassed to see how few hours it had taken to fall back into the trap of treating her relationship with God like a means to a career.

Savannah reached for the Bible that was still sitting on the bed beside her. She set it on the laptop and opened it to the Psalms again, her new favorite book. After sitting still for a moment to catch the breath that was stolen from her nearly every time she moved, she began to read, soaking up the words and trying to focus on God alone instead of the noise of the hospital and the urge in her head to keep
doing.
She didn’t last long before her eyes closed against her will, the muscles too spent to continue. Prayer became her next outlet, and occupied her until she fell asleep again.

S
HAUN DIALED NICK’S EXTENSION, IGNORING
the fist in his gut. “Hey, it’s Shaun. Listen, I’m tied up for pretty much the rest of the day, but could you stop by my office before you leave this evening?”

Nick was amiable, as always, and Shaun indulged in a brief moment of self-hate before going back to the budget he’d been reviewing. At least Nick was single — no family to support, no girlfriend to disappoint, at least not that Shaun knew of. He tended not to get too close to his accountants.

Shaun had spent most of the day combing through the budget, thinking the stingiest, most miserly thoughts he could to try to find more places to cut back. The biggest possibility was in relocating to a cheaper building. If they could slice off at least a quarter of their rent, he’d feel a lot better. And with one less cubicle needed, they’d fit in a smaller space. The fact that he was about to get a whole salary back into the coffers helped, too, though he didn’t feel nearly as good about that.