The Honeymoon Period (The Austin Series) (56 page)

‘Baby you’re
freezing. What are you doing out here? Why are you crying so badly?’ he asked
softly. I just shook my head as clung to him as the tears poured out, refusing
to stop. After all, there were six weeks’ worth of repressed tears to eject
over some serious emotional stuff and it was going to take a while. I nestled my
face into his chest breathing him in between sobs and he lifted my bottom up. I
automatically wrapped my legs around him tightly as he carried me back inside
and put me down in the bedroom. He took my coat off and pulled the duvet back. ‘Get
into bed Mia, I’ll put the fire on and get you a drink.’

‘Ga …’ was
all I could manage as I nodded and curled up into a ball, tears still coming
and he tucked me in, closed the curtains, put the fire on and disappeared. I
tugged his pillow to me and hugged it, the smell of him and his aftershave was
so comforting. I felt him sit on the bed behind me.

‘Sit up a
minute baby, I want you to drink this,’ he coaxed. I did as I was told, he’d
put a Baileys into the glass for me, possibly two and I drained it immediately,
it felt good warming me up from the inside as I used my arm to try and wipe
away the streams running down my face. He got up and I heard him rummaging in
the wardrobe and he returned with a box of tissues from the bathroom, my
legwarmers and his long sleeve white t-shirt and instructed me to lift my arms
as he pulled it over my head and pulled the duvet back and helped pull on my
legwarmers. He stopped for a moment and wrapped his hands around my freezing
feet. ‘Mia, you’re so cold. Lie down for me.’ I felt pressure on the bed as he
pulled up the comforter and lay a blanket over the top and I heard him
stripping off and he climbed in behind me, on my side of the bed and folded
around me, his arms holding me tightly as he nuzzled the back of my neck. My
sobbing slowed as I felt the heat of the alcohol and his body started to calm
me.

‘Gabe …’ I
wanted to say something more, but nothing came out.

‘It’s ok, you
don’t have to talk now, not if it’s too hard for you. We can talk in the
morning. Just sleep, I’m not going anywhere baby, I love you,’ he whispered as
he planted a firm kiss on my neck. I choked back another sob and bent my head
to kiss his forearm lying across my chest. I ran my nose up and down it,
started laying kisses along it and felt my body stirring. He nosed my hair and
kissed the back of my head.

‘I need you,’
I whispered. I wanted him to power into me, take me over and make my mind
switch off.

‘Mia it’s
not the time, go to sleep for me baby,’ he sighed. I wriggled around in his
arms and he looked at me sadly. I reached down to touch him, surprised to find
him soft.

‘You’ve no
erection,’ I exclaimed as I wiped my tear stained cheeks.

‘No. I told
you before, seeing you upset doesn’t turn me on, come on sleep.’

‘But I need
you,’ I pleaded.

‘And I’m
here for you, but not like that baby. You’re upset and you aren’t ready to talk
to me about it, so sex isn’t going to fix anything.’

‘It’ll make
me feel better.’ I started to run my hand up and down his chest and I felt his
body stiffen. ‘Please Gabe, for me,’ I begged as I wiped my face again.

‘Mia, no,’
he sighed as he closed his eyes to avoid the look I was giving him. I ran my
hand down and cupped his balls and felt him tense up. ‘
Mia, stop,’
he
pleaded as I started to stroke them and kiss his exposed throat and neck. I
felt him start to swell in my palm and encircled his root with my thumb and
index finger, until they were forced apart as his erection grew bigger.
‘Mia,
baby please stop,’
he moaned. I couldn’t, I wanted him so badly, he could
blot out everything by fucking me and that was exactly what I needed right now.
I pushed him on his back and quickly straddled him.

‘I
need
you Gabe, I need you inside me.’ I reached down and went to grasp him to guide
him into me and he grabbed my hand and quickly sat up, eye level with me, his
breathing hot and fast, the expelled air felt like caresses across my skin and
gave me goose bumps.

‘Not like
this baby, not when you’re upset.’

‘But I want
you and you want me.’

‘Talk to me,’
he pleaded searching my eyes for a clue as to what was going on with me, but it
wasn’t what I wanted right now. I was emotional and tired and I just wanted to
lose myself for a while, orgasms would help me switch off and drift into some
much needed contented sleep.

‘I don’t
want to talk Gabe, I just want to fuck.’ I reached out to stroke the back of
his neck and leaned in and kissed the hollow above his collar bone and I heard
him moan softly as his hands held my shoulders and pushed me gently back.

‘Stop Mia,’
he sighed. I cupped his face and kissed him tenderly, his lips were so soft. I
gently bit his lower lip, tugged it out and sucked it and felt his heart beat
quicken and his erection started to flex, tapping at my pubic bone. I quickly
sank my tongue into his mouth and he groaned loudly, still trying to push me
back, but without any real force. I read it as a protest, rather than a sign I’d
gone too far and lifted myself quickly before pushing him into position and
dropping onto him until he was partly inside me before his hands grabbed my
bottom and held me up, stopping me from sinking all the way down onto him. ‘Mia,
what’s gotten into you? You tell me you’re worried it’s all about lust and sex
with us, then when you’re emotional and I want to talk to you about it, you
avoid by initiating sex.’

‘I just
know what I feel right now, Gabe. I want you, I need you. Don’t you want me?’

‘I’m not
answering that Mia, if I say yes we end up having sex and you win. If I say no,
you’ll get upset.’

‘I win?
It’s not about that, Gabe. My body’s aching for you. Can’t you feel it? The
need in me?
Please
, I need this.’

‘
Mia,’
he hissed, exasperated. I was on the verge of anger at his rejection of me
again. My desire for him was so strong and I’d only ever refused
him
to
avoid physically hurting him. I grabbed his face, kissed him and bit his lip
hard, sucking the blood that trickled from it. He started kissing me back,
suddenly letting go of my backside to dig his fingers into my shoulder blades
and I sank down on him hard and fast and yelled as he impaled me. ‘Mia,’ he
snapped as he pulled his face away, his eyes were furious, furious and scorching
hot.

‘Fuck me,
please fuck me and do it hard,’ I groaned. He flipped in one easy move to put
me on my back and pulled slowly out of me, glowering above me, making my lips
part as I inhaled sharply, wondering if he was moving away or preparing to do
as I asked. I yelped as he plunged himself into me as hard as he could, pulled
back and did it again, forcing me up the bed and bit my nipple making me scream
and quiver with pleasure.

‘Is this
what you want? Rough and hard?’ he hissed looking unbelievably angry with me.

‘Yes,’ I
gasped, my eyes wide as I clenched down on him making him jerk his head back and
grimace.

‘Well,
you’re not fucking getting it,’ he spat as he pulled out of me and quickly
stood up, running his hand through his hair as I lay on the bed in shock.

‘Gabe?’

‘Don’t
fucking
“Gabe” me. You’re doing exactly what you had a go at me for earlier Mia, you’re
shutting me out and using sex as a distraction technique.’

‘It’s not a
distraction, we can talk after, right now I just want you.’

‘No, you
just want this,’ he hissed again as he grabbed his erection. ‘Well, you’re not
going anywhere near it. In fact, as of this moment, our sex life’s
over
.
You’re worried it’s all about fucking? Fine, I’m taking sex and any other form
of stimulation out of the equation. From now on it’s just you and me Mia, no
sex, no foreplay and no kissing. I’ll bloody prove to you once and for all that
you’re more to me than that and maybe once you trust me, you’ll open up to me.’

‘
Gabe,’
I
exclaimed as I sat up in the bed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

‘You’ve
forced my hand Mia, so now both of us are going to suffer,’ he snapped. I
watched stunned as he grabbed some boxers from the wardrobe, my pillow and the
blanket and glared at me before he stormed into the lounge, slamming the
bedroom door shut. I sat there for a while trying to process what had just
happened, then quickly scrambled up and went into the lounge to find him lying
on the sofa, under the blanket starting at the fire.

‘
Gabe?
’

‘I’m tired
and I need to sleep, go away, Mia,’ he snapped without looking at me.

‘But we
need to talk about this.’

‘No! You only
want to talk now because it suits
you.
You only want to resolve this so
we can fuck. Well, it’s not a good time for me, go to bed.’

‘But I don’t
want to sleep without you, Gabe.’

‘Tough,’ he
replied coldly and I felt the ice pierce my heart.

‘
Gabe
,
don’t do this, don’t end our weekend like this,
please
,’ I pleaded. He bolted
upright and fixed me with a glare and I could see the fury in his eyes hadn’t
dampened at all.

‘
You
ended it like this Mia, crying and shutting me out and then goading me into
fucking you. If you won’t leave me to sleep, I’ll go down to reception and get myself
another room,’ he shouted. I bit my lip as I felt my eyes well up. ‘Don’t try
those fucking girly waterworks either, I’m
not
backing down,’ he growled
as he threw himself back down on the sofa.

‘Gabe, I
was just tired and upset. It’s been a difficult few months and I’ve been
bottling it all up, trying to be strong for you, it had to come out some time
and it just happened to be tonight.’

‘So now it’s
all
my
fault, is it? I’m sorry
my
almost getting run over has
been so bloody hard for
you
,
Mia. Go to fucking bed, I’m not
going to ask you again.’

‘I never said
it was your fault, I’ve …’

‘MIA,’ he
roared, cutting me off as he sat up again and threw such a furious glare my way
I took a few steps back. ‘Go to
fucking
bed. Jesus Christ, no wonder I
avoided bloody relationships.’

I’d never
seen him so angry and his words really hurt. Despite willing myself not to, I
burst into tears again and ran through to the bedroom slamming the door behind
me this time and threw myself into the bed. I pulled the duvet over my head and
sobbed, my body jerking with every violent gasp for air. In the nine weeks we’d
been together we’d only spent 5 nights apart and to do it tonight, after the
last few perfect days, was more than I could bear.

I don’t
remember falling asleep, but when I woke up, it was pitch black. My head was
pounding and my eyes felt sore and my lids swollen. I felt constricted and
realised Gabe was curled around me, his arms wrapped tightly around me, his
chest against my back and his face pressed into the curve of my neck and
shoulder. My body was wracked with another sob to realise that he’d relented
and come in for me.

‘
Sssshhhh
,
sleep baby, we’ll talk tomorrow. It’s ok just sleep, I’m not going anywhere. Please
don’t cry anymore, it just kills me,’ he whispered. I sniffed and wriggled
around in his arms, nuzzled into his chest and pushed a leg between his. I
needed as much body contact with him as possible to make me feel safe again. He
kissed the top of my head and sighed. ‘I love you baby. I’ve got you, I’ll
always have you, Mia. Please go to sleep, you’re exhausted.’

I woke up with Gabe still
clutching me to his chest. I’d no idea what time it was and I didn’t care, I
just wanted to lie here in his arms and forget all about the arguments we’d had
last night, my nightmare and the stress of the last few months. I sighed and
felt his arms tighten around me.

‘Are you
awake?’ he whispered.

‘Yes, have
you been awake long?’ I mumbled into his firm chest.

‘No, about
five minutes. How are you feeling?’

‘My head
hurts, my eyes feel swollen from crying and I’m starving.’

‘Me too,
starving that is. I’m so sorry I shouted at you last night,’ he whispered and
kissed the top of my head.

‘I’m sorry
I made you mad.’

‘We need to
talk about it baby, without fighting, I don’t want to argue again,
please.
Can we do that?’

‘Ok.’ I
tilted my face up to look at him and he gasped and ran his thumb under one of
my eyes.

‘God Mia, your
eyes are so swollen. I’ll go and put some teaspoons in the fridge and order us
some food and we can sit in bed and talk. What would you like to eat?’

‘I’d love
the pancakes and bacon again, that was really nice.’

‘Ok,’ he
looked at me hesitantly then planted a kiss on my forehead and eased himself
out of the bed and headed into the lounge.

I stretched
and sat up and groaned as I clutched my forehead. It wasn’t a hangover, it was
a cryover and felt so much worse than an alcohol induced one. I got up and
padded into the bathroom, still dressed in his white t-shirt from last night
and my legwarmers and I did a double take when I saw myself in the mirror. I
looked awful, my upper and lower lids were all puffy from crying, leaving my
once bright blue eyes dull and merely slits, and I looked exhausted. I brushed
my teeth and took my pill and a couple of headache tablets and went and got
back in bed, propping myself up on the pillows. It was already half past nine
and I wondered what time we needed to be out of the room. I looked up as Gabe
strode back in, still in his boxers and he put on the fire, opened the curtains
and hopped up onto the side of the bed facing me.

‘So,’ he
said looking directly at me. ‘Who’s going to go first?’

‘I think
you’d better, as I don’t know what went wrong last night.’

‘Baby,’ he
sighed. ‘You’re seriously going to play the innocent card?’ You were sobbing
your heart out, first on the balcony in the middle of the night and then after
we had our fight. I need you to talk to me, tell me what I’m doing wrong
because I just don’t know. I know we had that fight before the club, but I
apologised for that and I thought we were ok. Tell me what I did?’

‘You didn’t
do anything Gabe, but you didn’t give me a chance to explain …’

‘O come on,
Mia,’ he interrupted. ‘I gave you loads of chances to explain and you forced
yourself on me to avoid it.’

‘Forced
myself?’ I objected. ‘You make it sound like I tied you up and raped you at gun
point.’

‘I kept
telling you to stop and you didn’t. How would you feel if you said no and I
kept pushing it?’

‘But you
did want it, you got hard.’

‘Baby I get
hard just by looking at you, it’s an automatic uncontrollable reaction, but if
I say no, I mean no. I didn’t want to have sex because you were upset. I wanted
to talk to you and find out what was going on. You stormed off to the club last
night because I put my desire to fuck above your request to talk. Then you went
and did exactly the same thing to me. Like you said, we can’t have one rule for
one and not for the other.’

‘I know,’ I
sighed, he was right, of course he was right, I was out of order last night. ‘It’s
just that sex makes me feel so close to you. I feel safe and needed when you’re
inside me so I wanted that connection with you to comfort me before we talked,
but you walked away and said some really mean things.’

‘What did I
say that was mean?’ he asked looking surprised.

‘You told
me that we weren’t going to have sex again and you implied that this
relationship is too much like hard work.’

‘I wasn’t
trying to be mean, Mia. I was mad with you and frustrated with myself that I
still wanted you so badly when you were obviously hurting. I meant it though,
you
still
seem to have this hang up that I’m only with you for sex and
the only way I can think of proving that I’m not is to take it out of the
equation.’

‘I know you
love me Gabe, it’s just sometimes it feels like our sex life is the most
important thing between us.’

‘Well, it’s
not, so that’s why I’m going to do this. Sex is off the menu,’ he said firmly
as he looked at my devastated face.

‘I don’t
get a say in the matter?’

‘No, this
is about me proving to you that I value you as more than just someone to empty
my load into, Mia.’

‘So how
long are you going to try holding off?’ I asked. I could feel my bottom lip
wobbling already. This wasn’t what I wanted.

‘Until I’m
happy that you’ve got the message. Trust me baby, I’m not happy about it
either, but I’m going to do it and if you try forcing the issue, like you did
last night, then I’m going to get really mad with you again.’

‘So no sex
until
you
say so?’ I asked, dismayed.

‘No,’ he
said firmly.

‘But what
about touching each other and kissing?’

‘No sexual
touching, masturbating or kissing either, you know kissing always leads to more,’
he replied with a shrug. I gasped in horror, was he serious? Not even kissing?

‘But Gabe
…’ I began to protest but he cut me off.

‘No
arguments Mia, I’ve made up my mind. We’re doing this,’ he said firmly. I felt
like a child being punished and I bit my lip and felt my eyes fill up again.

‘Don’t you
love me as much as you used to?’ I whispered.

‘
What?
’
he uttered, aghast.

‘You don’t
want to have sex with me, you don’t love me as much?’

‘Baby no,’
he reached over and ran his thumb over my quivering bottom lip. ‘That’s what
I’m trying to tell you, you seem to think that love goes hand in hand with sex
and it doesn’t. You’re confusing the two Mia, and they’re very different things,
trust me I know that better than anyone. I’ve had sex with loads of women
without loving them. For me, sex with you is amazing
because
I love you,
but I’m not going to stop loving you just because we’re not having it. Do you
get what I’m trying to prove?’

‘I think
so,’ I nodded, still feeling hurt. ‘But how do you expect us to not have sex,
Gabe. I want you all the time, there’s only been a couple of days since we met
that one of us hasn’t helped the other out in one way or another.’

‘I’m asking
you to do this for
me
Mia, I need this to prove to you that we’re more
than that, that’s what
you
wanted. You wanted a reassurance that we’re
more than just a couple of horny teenagers in lust and this is how we’re going
to do it. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m asking you to do it to please me.’

‘But I
need
you, Gabe.’ I could hear the shake in my own voice.

‘You’ll
have me Mia, just not like that. Don’t you want to please me?’

‘Yes,’ I
whispered. ‘I always want to make you happy.’

‘Then do
this for me,
for us
. I agreed to see you on a sex no strings basis, even
though I wanted more, now I’m asked you for a full relationship with no sex.
You owe me that.’  

‘You really
think this will help?’

‘Yes,’ he
answered without hesitation.

I sat
looking at him as I chewed my bottom lip, hardly able to believe what I was
hearing. He wanted us to see each other and not be physical? All we’d been
since we met was physical, even during our recoveries we were still finding
ways to please each other. I suddenly felt terrified. What if my own worst
fears came to life? What if without the passion to bind us together, he’d walk
away? He’d realise that without the sex I wasn’t worth the effort, that I
really was unlovable. As I looked at his earnest face, into his deep soulful eyes,
I thought of everything he’d done to prove his love for me in the last nine
weeks. It
was
more than just amazing sex, I was positive of it,
but
for that tiny element of nagging doubt still eating away deep inside me. That
small part of me that was still waiting for him to let me down, just like all
the other men in my life had done, but I suddenly realised it was unfair to
blame Gabe for that.
I
had to deal with that. That was my issue and not
his. He couldn’t have done more to prove his love for me if he’d tried, and I
needed to see Dr. Jarvis as soon as possible to deal with my own issues if I
wasn’t going to screw this up.

‘Mia?’ he
bowed his head to catch my eye line and woke me from my thoughts.

‘Ok,’ I
sighed in defeat, looking down at my hands, upset again. The thought of him not
touching me, being inside me, was awful. He shuffled closer and put two fingers
under my chin and tipped my head up to look at him.

‘It’s going
to be hard baby,
really
hard, on both of us, but it
will
make us
stronger, I promise. If we’re not going to fight about it, we need to agree
that you don’t pressure me into breaking. When I feel that you get it, that you
trust me completely to take care of you and love you the way you need me to, then
I’ll initiate it sex again, ok?’ he said softly.

‘Ok,’ I bit
my lip and nodded, feeling heartbroken.

‘And Mia, sometimes
this relationship
is
hard work, I never had to work so hard with anyone
before, but that tells me how much I love you. If I didn’t, I’d have walked
away for no strings, uncomplicated sex. I told you, I’d rather not fight with
you, but I’ll take our fighting over days of boredom with all the others
every
time baby. I still want to live with you in spite of all our arguments. You’re
my girl Mia,
the
girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.’

‘And me
with you, Gabe,’ I replied as I looked back at him.

‘Good, so
we’re agreed?’

‘I guess,’
I nodded. ‘So you want to start this now?’ I shut my eyes hoping he’d say when
we got home, so we could at least spend the day in bed enjoying each other
before the unbearable drought commenced.

‘Yes,’ he
sighed. ‘Otherwise, there’ll always be an excuse for one more time baby.’

‘Gabe,
’ I stifled another sob as I opened my eyes and looked
at him hurt. He jumped up and climbed into bed and pulled me to his chest and
cradled my head.

‘Talk to me
baby, what are you feeling? Why were you so upset last night? What’s going on
in that head of yours?’

‘I’m tired
Gabe, I’m
so
tired and stressed after the last few months. I’ve been so
worried about you and I think I’ve been running on pure adrenaline just
focussing on you getting better and to suddenly have this wonderful weekend
away with you, to see you nearly back to normal, I just … I …’ I buried my face
in his chest again, I didn’t want to cry again. I couldn’t believe I’d have any
tears left inside me to cry again.

‘It’s ok Mia,
I’m fine, I’m going to be fine and I’m sorry I’ve put you through so much and
for what I said last night. I know how hard it must have been for you to see me
like that and to look after me the way you did,’ he whispered as he kissed my
head. ‘You were my rock, you are my rock, I hate that I’ve put you through so
much.’

‘It’s not
your fault Gabe, I’d do it all again because I love you, I just didn’t realise
how much it had taken out of me until last night.’

‘Is it all
related to me and my accident?’

‘No, it’s not
just you,’ I replied with a shake of my head as my fingers ran over the taut
chest muscle and strong ribs holding in his heart. ‘It’s what Lexi went
through, my not spending time with her, lack of sleep and my …
my
health
issues. Then I woke up having a panic attack last night and it was all too
much.’

‘Why were
you having a panic attack baby?’

‘I had an
awful nightmare.’

‘About
what?’ I felt his hand stroking my hair still and I kissed his bare chest and
rubbed my cheek against it.

‘You left
me,’ I whispered as I shuddered recalling the total panic I’d felt.

‘Mia, I
told you I’m not going anywhere. This is why I need to prove to you that we’re
good together even without the seriously mind blowing sex.’

‘Really?
It’s that mind blowing for you too?’ I asked tipping my head back to look up at
him with a small smile.

‘O yeah,’
he nodded with a large one. ‘You promised it to me from the start and you
didn’t disappoint, Mia. I’ve never had sex like it, I’ve just gone hard
thinking about it, but I’m not going to do anything about it. I love you Mia,
you’re stuck with me baby.’