The Hope of Refuge (30 page)

Before getting out of bed, Cara pulled Lori’s warm body closer and kissed the back of her head.

She slid into her jeans, leaving Ephraim’s shirt on. It hurt to know she had relatives in Dry Lake who didn’t want to talk to her. But she couldn’t dismiss what Ephraim had done to improve their situation. Lori’s life was better and would always be better because of the path he’d cleared for them. That alone was enough to soothe the Grand Canyon-size ache in her chest.

She tiptoed out of the bedroom as daylight loomed. The idea of seeing Emma Riehl ran through her mind. Maybe if she understood why her dad had left her at the bus station and told her that Emma was coming, and why she hadn’t, Cara could lay it to rest.

Heat radiated from the cookstove. A percolator prepped with coffee and water sat next to the sink, ready to be placed on the stove. Ephraim must’ve slipped inside at some point and started the fire and fixed the percolator for her. On his own, without his community pulling at him, Ephraim was quite a man. He had integrity.

And something beyond that.

He’d captured a piece of her heart. She wasn’t sure why it had happened. Maybe because he was a truly nice guy or maybe because she felt connected to him since he’d known her mother. Whatever the reason, her heart had really poor judgment and timing. But he’d taken only a sliver. She’d move on and get it back.

Moving as quietly as she could, she placed the percolator on the stove. She’d had a lot harder wallops in her life than learning her relatives wanted nothing to do with her—losing her mother, growing up in foster care, dealing with a stalker, and marrying a man she didn’t love. This latest hit had her staggering, but not for long. She’d start new and find something she was really good at. Maybe she should start her own painting business.

The Bible lay open on the table. The two men she’d been closest to had beliefs founded in that book. A shred of hope that strength could be found inside those pages drew her to it.

She sat down and pulled it in front of her. The words were barely visible in the dim glow of dawn. She lit the kerosene lamp and flipped pages, pausing here and there as a phrase caught her eye. Its beautiful prose and imagery were fascinating, even without believing in its origin. As she turned the thin, delicate paper, she remembered her mother loving this book. She had scribbled verses inside Cara’s diary, along with thoughts of love and short lectures of wisdom from mother to child.

Daughter
. The word caught her eye, but she’d already flipped past it. Turning back through the pages, she began scanning each one.

Daughter
. The word popped from the book. She placed her finger under it and traced back a few words.

“I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters.”

The longing to be a beloved daughter hit so hard she couldn’t breathe.

If only it were true
.

Ephraim sat on the bench swing in his hiddy. Concern for his Daed’s health pushed in on all sides, but that wasn’t enough to keep his mind off Cara.

The top of the sun edged over the horizon, bringing stronger rays of daylight with it. The green fields sparkled with dew. Horses and cows grazed on nearby hills. Mist rose from the valley and from the shop’s roof Everything he saw spoke of a promise—the best this earth had to offer. The pursuit of happiness. Peaceful living. And freedom.

But all he could feel was emptiness and duty.

He’d hardly slept last night. His whole body ached for things he never knew existed before Cara. She woke the sleeping parts of his soul, just as she had as a child. Existence before her was shallow and only satisfying because he didn’t know anything different.

Now he knew. Part of him wished he didn’t. The other part longed for there to be answers.

Was he falling in love with her? It didn’t matter. It couldn’t. He tried to think about something else.

Since the house was quiet, he wondered if Cara and Lori were still asleep. After Cara had picked up Lori from his sister, he’d made ice cream as promised. Then he’d gone to the shop. Cara probably hadn’t slept much either. Or maybe she had. She was certainly more used to upheaval and grief than he was. Did she feel grief over him? Or was he the only one who felt so stirred by their friendship?

He knew she needed to get to the Garretts’ this morning to finish the job, but he hesitated to wake her. He went to the clothesline in his Daed’s yard, where he’d created a trough of sorts using a sheet strung between two lines. He’d placed the freshly washed paintbrushes and rollers inside. It must’ve been about midnight when he remembered he needed to finish cleaning the soaking items. He placed the tools into a bucket he’d scrubbed for this very purpose.

The door to his Daed’s home swooshed open, and he glanced up.

Anna Mary looked as weary as he felt. With Becca at the hospital with Daed, Anna Mary must’ve stayed to help Deborah with the younger ones. She headed for him without hesitation, apparently confident in continuing the special privilege granted to her by the bishop.

She came to a halt, her bare feet wet from the dew. “Mahlon and Grey both offered to help Cara today. The bishop gave permission, provided one of the elders can visit at will. I told him that wouldn’t be a problem. One of the men will be here in about an hour to drive them over.”

“Why the big production? Cara isn’t going to try to seduce them, for Pete’s sake.”

“That’s not the point. The bishop is our head, and we submit to his word. Have you forgotten the ways of your people so quickly?”

Chafing at her tone, one she never would have used before the shunning, he put the last two paintbrushes in the bucket.

“Robbie will be here to take you to the hospital about the same time. I want to go with you.”

“I’m sure Deborah needs your help around here. Besides, I’d hoped to talk to Daed alone.”

She moved in close and laid her hand on his chest. “Look, this is hard on both of us, but I have to know that you care about us—that when this is over, you’ll be ready to commit to me the way you have to that woman and her child.”

Like a spring rain, drops of realization fell on him, and he understood what his heart had been trying to tell him. He placed his hand over hers and removed it from him. “I’m sorry. But I can’t do that.”

He doubted if he ever could have, not without settling. But now that he knew what it meant for someone to connect with his soul, for someone’s very presence to make a difference in how he perceived a day, he had to let Anna Mary go.

“What are you saying?”

“You can tell people you ended things between us. That you’re tired of me. Ashamed of me. They’ll sympathize. Probably even think you’ve done the right thing.”

Her face turned red, and she burst into tears. “But why?”

“You don’t really want an answer to that. If it helps, I don’t want an answer to that either.”

Her face scrunched with confusion. “Maybe you’re just irritable from all the stress. Or angry at all that’s happening and taking it out on me.”

“Have I ever taken anything out on you?”

She used her apron to wipe her cheeks. “Then I need you to explain this to me.”

She really didn’t know? He removed his hat, fidgeting with it. Then he realized. She thought so little of Cara that she couldn’t imagine Ephraim might have feelings for her. “I’m not in love with you.”

“But…”

“I really am sorry.”

She jerked the bucket from the ground and slung it across the yard. “I can’t believe this. You should be begging me to stay in your life.”

“I agree. But I’m not.” He heard Lori chattering and looked that way. Across the field Cara stood basked in sunlight, a complete array of the forbidden. And all he wanted was more of her. She wasn’t just an Englischer with her short hair, worldly dress, and permissive ways. She lacked every element inside her soul to become Amish. And still he longed to spend time with her.

Anna Mary squeezed his arm. “Look at me.”

When he did, he saw the pain he’d inflicted. He hated it, but he couldn’t change it.

“Her?” She sounded incredulous. “She’s seduced you, hasn’t she?”

“No. She has no idea how I feel. I’m not even sure how I feel. I may die a lonely bachelor. But that doesn’t change anything between you and me.”

She tightened her hands into fists before bolting across the yard.

As guilty as he felt, relief washed over him. Whatever discoveries within his heart lay ahead, they wouldn’t involve betraying Anna Mary on any level.

Cara stood at the kitchen counter as Joe Garrett wrote out a check. With his hand blocking her view, she couldn’t see the amount. She heard Lori in the next room, talking with the Garretts’ little girl.

Mr. Garrett paused, holding the payment in his hand. “You did an amazing job. Not a scratch on any of the floors or furniture, closets not only painted but organized. Every room painted beautifully. And no spatters of paint anywhere to be seen. I never expected all this. And in a week? You must’ve been logging some major overtime.”

“I’m glad you’re pleased.”

He passed her the check. “I think that should say how impressed we are.”

She glanced at the amount and nearly choked. Five hundred more dollars than they’d agreed on. All she’d hoped to do was ensure the Garretts were happy to pay her fee.

Heather Garrett motioned around the room. “I love it. Absolutely love it.” She took the checkbook from her husband. “I’ve been threatening to clean and organize forever.”

Cara’s heart pounded like crazy. She had money, real start-up money. She was so excited she wanted to dance. Instead she folded the paper and slid it into her pocket. “There’s a box of stuff in the garage, things that seemed obsolete when I cleaned out the closets.”

“I’ll go through it later this week.”

Cara went upstairs to help Mahlon and Grey finish. They were busy moving pieces of furniture back into place. In spite of her being a stranger and an Englischer to boot, they’d let her manage the day without complaint. She liked both of her co-workers, which surprised her. They weren’t at all what she’d thought they’d be—stuffy, judgmental, and difficult.

With a check in her pocket, her portion of it worth more than a month’s pay, she felt hope buoy her again. “I really appreciate all you’ve done today.” She peeled a strip of painter’s tape off the baseboard.

Grey straightened his shoulders, working the kinks out of his neck. “Glad to help. The brushes, rollers, and most of the drop cloths are clean and loaded in the wagon.”

Cara tossed a wad of tape into the trash. “We need to gather up the remaining supplies from the basement and walk through every room together to make sure we covered each item on the checklist, and then we’re ready to go.”

Mahlon pulled tape from a different section of the room. “Maybe you could help Deborah paint after I find us a place.”

“I thought I was taboo.”

Looking a bit uncomfortable, Grey set a lamp on the dresser. “I’ll tell you plain out. You’ve made some huge blunders. Surely many Englischers would see it that way too, no?”

As much as she hated to admit it, he was right.

“See, among the Amish certain lines are not crossed. Ever. But if you move out of Ephraim’s place and show yourself trustworthy, folks will come around eventually—if you’re interested in that.”

She peeled off the last bit of tape and reeled it in. There it was, staring her in the face again—the need to move out of Ephraim’s place. “Except for Ephraim, I don’t care what the rest think.”

Grey set another lamp on the nightstand and plugged it in. “Right or wrong, he hid things from the church and community where you’re concerned. He joined the faith years ago, and it’s against our ways for him to open up his life to a woman who’s not Amish, so you’ll never be allowed much leeway with Ephraim.”

She appreciated Grey’s honesty. It stung a bit, but his tone and facial expressions said he wanted to help her understand. She longed to look in the faces of her relatives just once to see what they were like. The desire grew, and thoughts of going to the Riehl place tugged at her.

Mahlon threw a wad of tape into the trash. “Ephraim can do as he pleases if he’s willing to turn his back on everyone and live shunned the rest of his life.”