The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. and Death.

 

G
ENE
W
EINGARTEN

With an Introduction by Dave Barry
Illustrations by Bob Staake

A FIRESIDE BOOK
PUBLISHED BY SIMON & SCHUSTER
NEW YORK LONDON TORONTO SYDNEY

FIRESIDE
Rockefeller Center
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright © 1998 by Gene Weingarten

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

First Fireside Edition 2001

F
IRESIDE
and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Designed by Robert Bull Design

Manufactured in the United States of America

3  5  7  9  10  8  6  4

The Library of Congress has cataloged the Simon & Schuster edition as follows:

Weingarten, Gene.

The hypochondriac's handbook : a slightly hysterical guide to life and death / Gene Weingarten : with an introduction by Dave Barry.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-13: 978-0-684-85648-3
eISBN: 978-1-451-60324-8

ISBN-10:   0-684-85648-4

1.Hypochondria—Humor. I. Title.

PN6231.H96W45  1998

818′.5407—dc21   98-19532

CIP

The photograph on page 28 is from
French's Index of Differential Diagnosis
(thirteenth edition), edited by Ian A. D. Bouchier, Harold Ellis, and Peter R. Fleming, and is reproduced by permission of Butterworth-Heinemann and the editors.

I am grateful
to the many physicians who generously shared with me their valuable time and formidable talents despite the fact that 1 ) there was no fee involved, and 2) they were forewarned that this book was going to be an irresponsible, alarmist work of pseudoliterature that would relentlessly make fun of doctors. In short, these people exhibited either uncommonly bad judgment or uncommonly good nature, or both. Unless otherwise noted, they all practice in the Washington, D.C., area:

Israel Alter; Hal Blumenfeld (New Haven, Conn.); William Bond; Stephen Elgin; Henry Fox; Bruce Kressel; Susan Lacks; Michael D. Levitt (Minneapolis, Minn.); Steven Nadler (Snowmass Milage, Coló.); Bruce Orkin; Arnold Ratner; Anthony Reder (Chicago, Ill.); Jonathan Sackier; Marvin Schuster; Alan Singer; Mark Smith; Michael Stanton; Karen Stark (Scottsdale, Ariz.); Robert Stavis (Bryn Mawr, Pa.); Louis Steinberg; Robert Tanenberg; Martin Wolfe; and Lorenz Zimmerman. In particular, I would like to thank Drs. Mitchell Dunn and Louis Y. Korman, who provided invaluable assistance even though, as my personal physicians, they understood better than anyone else the many dark and alarming pathologies of the author. They are terrific doctors, and nice guys. I hereby urge all readers to contract
serious, lingering diseases and move to Washington for the honor of being treated by them.

None of these doctors is responsible for any errors of fact contained herein. Any errors of fact contained herein are the fault of, and the sole legal responsibility of, The Error Monster.

I thank my editor at Simon & Schuster, David Rosenthal, who encouraged me to belly up to that thin line dividing the daring from the tasteless, and then gleefully booted my arse right over it. Thanks also to David's assistant, Zoe Wolff, who at twenty-five provides both her boss and me with at least a modicum of maturity and common sense. For his loyalty, enthusiasm, and wisdom I thank my agent, Al Hart, who somehow capably negotiates the complex world of modern publishing while writing all his correspondence on a typewriter. (With carbons.) For their exceptional research assistance, I thank Bobbye Pratt and Michael Farquhar of
The Washington Post.
For their counsel I thank Libby Burger of Glen Mills, Pennsylvania; Joel Achenbach, David Streitfeld, and Frank Ahrens of
The Washington Post;
and Philip Brooker and Tom Shroder of
The Miami Herald.
I am grateful to Donald Graham and Leonard Downie Jr., publisher and executive editor of
The Washington Post,
for permitting one of their editors to write a book like this despite the disrepute it will surely visit upon a great newspaper.

I am particularly indebted to my friend Pat Myers, the World's Funniest Copy Editor, who singlehandedly prevented everyone from discovering what a careless, intellectually shiftless illiterate I am. Pat edited every page of the book, except thsi one.

Finally, I thank my friend Dave Barry, who gave me no assistance whatsoever except in the sense of providing me, through his work, a flawless template for timing, setup, structure, syntax, voice, emphasis, cadence, and word selection, not to mention providing a specific prototype for virtually every joke contained in these pages. I hereby forgive Dave for shamelessly imitating my style all these many years.

To my rib

Introduction by Dave Barry

C
HAPTER
1:
Are You a Hypochondriac?

C
HAPTER
2:
Relax, Hypochondria Never Killed Anyone. Oh, Wait. Yes, It Did.

C
HAPTER
3:
The Mind of the Hypochondriac

C
HAPTER
4:
How Your Doctor Can Kill You

C
HAPTER
5:
Man. Woman. Birth. Death. Infirmity.

C
HAPTER
6:
Hypochondria and Me

C
HAPTER
7:
Hiccups Can Mean Cancer

C
HAPTER
8:
Headaches: Don't Worry, They're All in Your Head

C
HAPTER
9:
Interpreting DocSpeak (Hint: “Good” Means “Bad”)

C
HAPTER
10:
Maybe Its Just Nerves (Uh-Oh)

C
HAPTER
11:
Infarction—Isn't That a Funny Word? Hahahahaha Thud.

C
HAPTER
12:
Are You an Alcoholic?

C
HAPTER
13:
Tumor. Rhymes with “Humor.”

C
HAPTER
14:
Ulcers and Other Visceral Fears

C
HAPTER
15:
Are You Too Fat? Yes. (I Mean,
Look
at You.)

C
HAPTER
16:
Snap, Crackle, and Plop (Minor Aches and Pains That Can Kill You)

C
HAPTER
17:
Why You Should Not Smoke

C
HAPTER
18:
Pregnant? That's
Wonderful!
Don't Read This!

C
HAPTER
19:
Things That Can Take Out an Eye

C
HAPTER
20:
Oh, Crap (Diagnosis by the Process of Elimination)

T
HE
F
INAL
C
HAPTER:
Is Death a Laughing Matter? Of Corpse Not.

Bibliography

Index