The Improbable (29 page)

I
knew I hurt Eva. It was unintentional.

           
There was just too much going on in my life and in my mind. I felt like I had
to deal with one thing at a time. After Chris’s funeral…and after the talk
with Eva, I headed straight
home. I didn’t bother turning any of the lights on as I entered the house and
went straight to my alcohol cabinet. I loosened my tie angrily as I poured
myself a drink and tossed it back in record time. I brought the bottle with me
to the couch.

           
I sat watching the rain stream down the window as I took swigs from the bottle.
Old feelings of how I felt when my mom passed away began to haunt me.
No
father and no mother…who do you have to live for now?
A sick voice in my
head chuckled evilly.
No one to make proud, no footsteps to follow…poor
bastard
. The voice in my head continued. I shook my head, feeling helpless
against the trials of the world. What was I going to do? Push everyone out
again? In that moment, that felt like the best way to go. They couldn’t help me
and they couldn’t bring my father and my best friend back!

           
Lately, there were too many people telling me the same thing. If it wasn’t ‘I’m
sorry for your loss’ then it was ‘stay strong, it’ll get better’ and I just
didn’t want to hear any of that shit! I was mad at everyone.
Everyone
.
Of course I still loved Eva-Marie dearly but I just didn’t have the emotional
capacity to deal with her at the moment. I hoped with all my heart she would
still want to be with me when I was done dealing with the mess at hand…

T
hree
days.

           
For three long days, I tossed and turned in my bed in and out of sleep. The
pain hadn’t lessened by the slightest bit. The pain of losing Chris. The pain
of losing my father. The pain of losing David to his own grief. I couldn’t take
all of it at once. My mother had come in once to notify me that they had
officially placed my father in jail.
Great
, I thought. Just adding on to
the overflowing plate...

           
Flora came into my room and set breakfast…or dinner on my nightstand. “You must
eat,” she told me.

           
I pried my eyes open, seeing that it was still dark and rainy outside. Was this
the night of the third day? Or the morning of the fourth day? Hell, I didn’t
know nor did I care! “I’m not hungry,” I turned away from the food and tugged
the covers up under my chin.

           
“The sun should be up tomorrow, miss. That will be good for you instead of
sitting in the dark.” Flora said, trying to create conversation.

           
I stared blankly at the wall with my back to her.
Sun?
I thought in
disgust. I wanted to stay in the dark. “Take the food. Close the curtains.” I
heard her slide the drapes together and pick up the tray of food before quietly
exiting the room.

           
I was hanging in there…I was truly
trying
to hang in there.

A
week. Seven days I’d been in my house, alternating from the couch to my bed.

           
Nothing was comfortable. I had run out of liquor and moved onto wine because I
didn’t want to make any trips to the supermarket. My head was a spinning
machine most of the days. The rainy days didn’t last forever…unfortunately.
When the sun began to shine, I made sure to close all the blinds in the house.
I didn’t want to see the fucking sun. To me, the sun represented everything
bright and cheery – there was nothing bright and cheery about my life. The only
time I opened the front window shades was at night, when I would let the
moonlight come through the window.

           
Deciding I would sleep on the couch that night, I stumbled back to my room to
retrieve a pillow from my bed. I furrowed my eyebrows and squinted at a book on
the nightstand. I picked it up and held it up in the moonlight to read the
title.
Giada
. I felt alive for a moment as remembered the day when Eva
had given me the book to read. I closed my eyes and could almost feel the light
breeze brush against my face and smell her flowery scent in the wind as she
laid across my lap that day.

           
My sweet Eva…oh my God that woman! The only one that had saved me from myself.
I wasn’t pleased with her involvement in the Trioxytin production but in all
honesty I didn’t care…I was in love with her and nothing changed my mind about
that. What had I done? How had I messed that up? I angrily staggered into the
bathroom and switched the light on, assessing myself in the mirror. My beard
was out of control, my eyes were of someone I couldn’t even recognize, and the
permanent menacing look in my eyes was quite frightening even to me.

           
“You fucking did this.” I growled to myself in the mirror, disgusted with
myself. “You hear me? If she leaves you just know that you fucking did this!
You fucking bastard!” I slammed my hands on the mirror, slightly cracking it.
“What have you
done!
What have you fucking done?” I
yelled, out of breath and backing away from the mirror. I anxiously ran my
hands through my hair, shaking my head.

           
I was ashamed of myself. I was disgusted with myself. I had become a terrifying
animal and I didn’t know how to change it. I bounced from wall to wall
hopelessly as I made my way through the hallway and then continued to collapse
on the couch. The moonlight streamed in through the window and shined down on
me, seemingly wrapping its arms around me and trying to console me as it’d done
many nights before.

I
found the energy to sit up on my bed.

I
blinked and looked around, seeing there was no light streaming from the break
in the drapes I knew it was nighttime outside. I sighed and wondered how my
life had done a complete turnaround. Then all the events started surfacing in
my mind and I quickly shut them back out. My legs were stiff as I made my way
across the room to my dresser. I knew that if anything, reading
Giada
would cheer me up slightly. I dug through my drawers and wasn’t able to find
the book. I grew irritated.

           
The more I remembered what I’d done with it, the more it hurt. “Dammit! Why’d I
up and give it away? Why!” I beat myself up. I had completely forgot I’d given
the book to David so he could read it. I banged my back against my dresser and
slid down onto the floor, holding onto myself. Why wasn’t anything going right?

           
“Eva! Honey, are you alright?” Mama came into the room with Flora behind her.
“We heard you yelling.”

           
I sniffed. “I’m fine. Just going to get in the bath.”

           
“Flora could you please run a bath?” Mama asked making her way over to me. She
wrapped her arms around me and pulled me up, walking over to the bay window.
Mama sat down and gently pulled me down next to her, laying my head on her lap.
She lightly ran her hands through my hair, relaxing me instantly.

           
“This hurts so bad Mama,” I whispered. “I miss Daddy. I miss David. I miss the
way things used to be.”

           
“I know baby, I know.” She rubbed my back. “Your daddy will be just fine. He’s
a tough man. He’ll be out of there before you know it. I cry to myself at night
too, I love that man and I can’t stand not having him here with me every day. I
feel your pain, darlin’.”

I
rubbed my mom’s leg. “We’re
gonna
be okay, mama.”

“What
happened with David? Do you wanna talk about it?”

           
I was quiet for a moment. “He said he needed time to himself, and I understand
that because he’s going through a lot right now. But he hasn’t talked to me
since then and I don’t…I just don’t wanna lose him to depression like his
friends did, Mama. I don’t know what to do.”

           
Mama sighed. “Men are very hard to deal with when they’re upset, trust me I
know. Just give him some time, baby. He needs this time to cope just like you
do and sometimes it is something that has to be done on your own.” She paused
and giggled lightly. “But it seems like we’re both waiting on our men, baby.
Though, I might be
waitin
’ a little longer than you.”

           
“How long is Daddy in for?”

           
“A couple years.” She answered.

           
“You’re not afraid of losing the love between the two of you?” I wondered.

           
“No, baby, of course not. Once you fall in love with someone, it doesn’t matter
how long you two are away from each other. It could be one month or ten years.
When you see each other again it’s like picking up where you left off. You’ll
see one day.”

           
I thought about David and I’s situation and wondered how it would be when I saw
him again. If I’d ever see him again…Though it’d only been a week so far, it
felt like at least two months had gone by! “I hope it’s that way with David.”

           
“Oh darlin’ I’m sure it will be, he loves you. You two have made it a long way
with a lot going against the two of you, including your father and
I
. For that, I’m sorry, but I have a good feeling about that
young man.” Mama smiled.

           
I slowly rose, a bit excited to get into the warm bathtub. “I hope your good
feeling is right, Mama. Could you have Flora bring me the mail, please?”

           
“Of course my love.” Mama kissed me on the forehead before heading downstairs.

           
I let my robe drop to the floor and looked at myself in the mirror, frightened
by my reflection. I had dropped a good amount of weight from not eating, my
eyes were bloodshot red and puffy, and dark circles were hanging out under my
eyes. Who was this person staring back at me? In all honesty I was quite
frightened to see myself in such a way! Not being able to take the sight of
myself, I turned and slowly slid into the warm, bubbly water. Instantly my
muscles relaxed, the heartache lessened slightly, the heavy weight on my chest
lifted slightly and I felt like I could…
breathe
!

           
“Your mail, miss.” Flora handed me two envelopes.

           
“So much mail for a whole week.” I snorted lightly, surprised I could even
crack a joke!

           
Flora shrugged. “Some has been withheld.”

           
“For what reasons?” I questioned.

           
“Notes… from Mr. Jackson, miss.” She answered in a low voice.

           
I shook my head. “Hmm.”

           
“I’ll leave you to enjoy your bath,” Flora smiled. “It’s nice to see you out of
bed.” She told me before closing the door gently.

           
It felt
good
to be out of bed. I tore open the first envelope and began
reading.

As
I began reading the letter inside, I noticed that one of Ray’s death threats
had slipped through Mama’s filter. I sighed as I read his desperate attempts to
scare me and make me jealous. He went on to talk about how he had found someone
else and they were leaving town and he hoped I died. I snorted at his letter,
thinking I didn’t need him killing me because I might as well have died with
all the pain I’d been going through. I held the letter over the candle and set
his pathetic letter on fire. The flame mesmerized me and it felt good to
finally get that ole bastard out of my life for good! Dipping the burning
envelope into the water, I sighed and then tossed it on the bathroom floor. I
wasn’t even up to read the second letter.

           
I leaned back and dipped myself low into the water. David was on my mind. David
was
always
on my mind. There was truly no escaping the one you loved.
Submerging myself completely into the water, I began to think. What would
happen if I couldn’t revive David from his grief this time? Would he find
someone else? If that would be the case…would
I
find someone else? There
was no one else for me. So what would I do if he was to move on and I didn’t?
Beginning to run out of breath under water, I came up out of the water and
leaned forward on my knees.

           
There’s no one else for me
, I thought sadly to myself.

I
forced myself to get into the shower.

           
It didn’t feel as good as I had expected it to but it was a nice change from
the routine of moving from the couch to my bed. I shut the water off and headed
to my room to dry myself off. The sound of banging on my door startled me, but
I made no moves to answer the door. It was unlocked.

           
“David!” Timmy’s voice boomed through the house. “David are you in here?” He
asked, sounding concerned. His footsteps moved through the house and finally
ended at my door. “You’re alive.” He said when he saw me on my bed.

           
“Surprisingly,” I added in a flat tone, sitting on the edge of my bed.

           
“Haven’t seen you in quite a while.” He put his hands in his pockets. “I ran
into Eva-Marie yesterday at the supermarket and she said she hadn’t seen you
either. We miss you in the real world, brother.”

           
My heart skipped a beat at the sound of Eva’s name. I felt terrible when I knew
how badly I was letting her down. I hadn’t contacted her in a while. She
couldn’t see me like this. “How is she?” I wondered.

           
“She’s doing better.” Timmy told me.

           
“I don’t want her to see me like this.” I said, not looking at him.

           
“Look, I know this is tough man. Believe me I’m grieving just as much as the
next person, but it’s been a long time and you
gotta
get back to life.” Timmy told me with his hands on his hips.

           
I shrugged slowly.

           
“You’re the new chief. They’re waiting on you. You have to get back to work,
David.” He said in a stern voice.

           
I ran my hand through my hair and sighed.

           
Timmy exhaled loudly. “So when are you
gonna
be
ready? Another seven years? I love you man, you’re my brother but I can’t let
you slip back into this again!”

           
“I’m not slipping back into anything,” I denied. “Calm down.”

           
“No I’m not
gonna
calm down! Because you have a life
to live! And I’ve seen you go through this before, I know how this goes. I’ve
already lost one friend, I don’t need it to feel like I lost another!” Timmy
exclaimed.

           
“You’re not losing me, I’m fine!” I shouted.

           
“We are losing you! You should’ve seen the look in Eva-Marie’s eyes when I
asked about you, it was as if I’d asked about someone that died! She hasn’t
forgotten about you but give it enough time and she will. Is that what you
want, you want to lose the one you love? You’ve come so far and you’re just
going to throw it all away now?” Timmy threw his hands up in frustration.

           
“Timmy, that’s not it. I –”

           
“Just stop! Wake up and look around, brother. We can’t all wait for you.” Timmy
shook his head. “I’m not asking you to jump back into the swing of things like
nothing ever happened, I’m asking you to at least make an effort. We just need
to see an effort to see that you still wanna be here with us.
‘
Cause
I’m
tellin
’
you…life goes on. We’re
gonna
go on. Do you want us
to go without you?” He asked, looking at me with a concerned expression. He
sighed before walking out of the room. He turned when he was halfway down the
hallway and came back. “You know we never told you, but Chris and I agreed on
one thing…Eva-Marie brought you back to us. You need her in your life, brother.
I know you don’t want her to see you like this…but she doesn’t deserve this.
Don’t leave her waiting forever.”

           
With that, Timmy disappeared down the hallway and shut the front door behind
him.

           
In all the time Timmy and I had been friends, he’d never yelled at me in such a
way. I was taken aback but I completely understood where he was coming from.
Timmy was right, Eva didn’t deserve the way I was neglecting her and I knew
that eventually she would get tired of waiting around for me whether she loved
me or not. I had to get myself together. Everything Timmy had said was exactly
what I needed to hear.

           
A wake up call. A truly needed wakeup call.