The Improbable (30 page)

I
was getting better. It wasn’t easy…but each day I was getting better.

           
Kate had called me to get out the house one day. We only ended up going to the
supermarket but she told me ‘trips to the supermarket will do the body good’.
So I took her word for it. There, we ran into Timmy who asked me about David. I
kept my answer simple, but in my mind
I
was the one who wanted to ask
him a million and one questions about David! I wanted to know how he was doing,
what he’d been doing, and if he’d asked about me! However, even Timmy said he
hadn’t seen him since the funeral. Then I knew it
had
to be bad, my
heart still ached for my love. I knew he was really having a tough time.

           
I knew I couldn’t stay in my room depressed about David or my father or Chris
all day. After our trip to the supermarket, the next day we tried shopping with
the rest of the girls. Kate told me ‘retail therapy was good for the soul’. I
didn’t buy much…I just watched them try on clothes and nodded when they asked
for my opinion. The day after that, we went out for ice cream. It was the same
ice cream parlor David had taken me to on our first night out together. Oh the
memories! I settled for a glass of soda, not able to handle the nostalgic ice
cream. Day after day, no matter how much better I was feeling about everything
else, I still felt incomplete. Without my father and David in my life, I felt
incomplete.

           
One day, the girls and I were having lunch at the city club. In the midst of
everyone talking and giggling together, I sat staring blankly into space. I was
trying to figure out how to break the news to them. I looked around at the
happy faces of all my friends. I was the only one that wasn’t healing as
quickly as everyone else. A few days back I’d made the decision that I needed a
change.

           
“Hey,” Rita tapped my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Are you okay?”

           
I tried my best to smile and nodded. “Of course I am.”

           
She squinted her eyes. “Do you think I don’t know you, Eva-Marie? I know
exactly when you’re lying about something.”

           
I pursed my lips.

           
“Talk to me,” she said.

           
“I’m glad you broke the ice because I wasn’t sure how to break the news to you
all.” I admitted.

           
“What news?” Rita furrowed her eyebrows.

           
“One moment,” I held my index finger up to her and cleared my throat. “Hey you
guys,” I called to the table. “I have something I want to tell you.”

           
They all looked up from their conversations with surprised expressions,
probably amazed that I’d even opened my mouth to speak due to the fact that I
hadn’t been talking much lately. “What is it darlin’?” Kate asked.

           
My eyes scanned over all their faces and I sighed. “I…I wanted to let you all
know that I’m moving away for a little bit.”

The girls
gasped collectively and exchanged concerned glances with each other.

           
“Away? To where?” Yvonne asked.

           
“I’ve decided I want to go to Quebec…in Canada.” I told them, trying for a firm
voice so I sounded confident in my plans. I knew exactly how crazy I sounded to
the girls but I’d been thinking it over constantly for the past few weeks and I
had come to the point where I was sure it was what I wanted to do.

“What?
No.” Sarah looked upset. “For how long?”

“Only for
the rest of the year.” I assured her and the rest of the girls who were looking
at me with questioning expressions. All besides Kate.

           
“Canada? What the hell is in Canada?” Yvonne questioned. “Why are you leaving,
Eva?”

           
“There’s nothing specific that I’m looking for in Quebec…besides space between
me and this place. I can’t take being here anymore.” I shook my head slowly,
eyeing each of them.

           
“Why not? We know it’s unfortunate that your father’s in jail…but you don’t have
to leave.” Rita’s voice trailed off as she crossed her arms across her chest.

           
I moved my chair closer to Rita and embraced her. When I had been considering
the move, I knew my friends would be very upset. But something in me was just
telling me to
go
. “The stress of everything is really taking a toll on
me and I feel like it’s keeping me from being happy. You guys can’t say I’ve
been myself these past few days.”

           
“We’ve noticed…you’ve barely been here with us.” Sarah noted.

           
“And that’s not how I want it to be,” I said. “I feel like getting away will
give me time to get my thoughts together and learn how to live for myself.”

           
“Because for too long you’ve been living and breaking your back for other
people.” Kate looked proud of me.

           
I smiled warmly at Kate, who always understood where I was coming from. “Thanks
Kate.”

           
“What if you forget about us? Or you like it there so much you don’t want to
come back?” Yvonne proposed.

           
I shook my head. “Oh come on Yvonne, you know there’s no souls in the world
that could replace you guys. You guys are more than my best friends, you’re the
sisters that I never had. I’m so thankful for you guys for always being there
for me when I need you the most. I would never forget about you guys, never.” I
promised.

           
“It’s
gonna
make her happy you guys,” Kate told them.
“We have to support her decision…whether we agree or not.” She shrugged.

           
“When do you leave?” Sarah wondered.

           
“Two days,” I answered.

           
“Only two questions: when is the packing party and when is the going away
party?” Kate raised her glass of champagne with a mischievous smile.

           
“Kate!” I exclaimed and laughed but cheered along with the rest of the girls,
holding my glass up as well. “No packing party, unfortunately, but you all can
see me off at the airport for sure.” I answered with a smile when our cheering
died down. It felt nice to laugh and it felt nice to smile but above all it
felt more than amazing to have such a solid group of friends that I knew would
support me in all that I do.

           
“I have a question,” Rita held her hand up for everyone’s attention.

           
“What is it, Rita?” I asked.

           
Her face grew more serious. “What’re you
gonna
do
about David?”

           
It was the same question I’d asked myself over and over as I made the decision
to leave Illinois. After I told my mother she was sad but understood why I
needed to go, she just told me to make sure I always wrote my father while I
was gone. Subconsciously I wished she would forbid me from leaving so I
wouldn’t have to deal with the debate of leaving David or staying in town and
waiting for everything to gradually get better. It was a hard choice but I knew
I couldn’t stay.

           
I sighed. “You all know David is my first love…and that will
never
change.
I’ll always feel deeply for him. But David’s dealing with some things on his
own at the moment. Some things that he doesn’t think I can help him through. I
don’t know how long it’s going to take him to get through everything he’s
dealing with. Maybe when I get back he’ll be better, I’m not quite sure. But
what I do know is that when he’s ready to be with me again, I’ll surely be
waiting. But I can’t wait here, my heart won’t let me.”

           
“‘Whatever else I may do, my love for you will live ‘til time itself is
through’,” Kate quoted our favorite Doris Day song and smiled at me from across
the table.

           
I was overwhelmed by joy to have the support of my friends. They made me feel
even more confident in my decision to leave town. I had gotten the green light
to go from my mother and now my friends…there was only one more person I had to
let know. I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell him. Maybe a letter would do?
Either way, I believed he deserved to know where I was going and why I was
leaving. Yes, my love deserved that much.

A
s
I showered I decided that it would be the day I went back to my father’s house.

I
had to collect anything I wanted to keep before I had workers empty it out. I
was amazed at the progress I was making in my life. Weeks before, I couldn’t
even think about my father without wanting to die right along with him. Though
he’d been tough on me, I always had love and respect for the man and it truly
hurt me that we had just gotten on better terms before he passed and didn’t get
to bond closer. I always had to tell myself it was what it was.

I
wanted to be respectful so I dressed myself in jeans and a button-up. My hair
and beard were unruly but I’m sure my father wouldn’t have minded that. After retrieving
an empty box from my garage, I got in my car and was off to my father’s house.
I rode with the windows down, loving the slight chill in the wind and the
sweet, comforting smell of oncoming autumn. As I rode past Eva-Marie’s house I
saw that her car wasn’t in the driveway – as it hadn’t been for the past few
days. From the day I began making progress in overcoming my depressed state of
mind, I had racked my brain trying to figure out what to say to her. Finally
one day I decided to just pick up the phone. I called her multiple times with
no answer every single time. When that didn’t work, I took it upon myself to go
knock on her front door and I still got no answer! Where was she? What was she
doing? I hadn’t seen any of her friends either, I was worried because I was
running out of options to get in contact with her. I hoped she hadn’t given up
on me. I wouldn’t give up. I would wait until the end of the world for that
woman.

           
Upon pulling up to my father’s house, I began to grow nervous. I looked at the
house that I’d grown up in only to find that I barely recognized it. It had
gone from teeming with life when I was younger and me and my parents were
living happily inside of it…to cold and empty with both parents deceased years
later. The thought gave me chills but I knew that I had to be a man and get
over my uneasy feeling. I pushed my door open and walked across the lawn with
the empty box in hand. The only sounds to be heard were my breathing and my
footsteps as I made my way to the front door. I took a deep breath before
entering the house.

           
It was awfully quiet but surprisingly peaceful. I didn’t feel grief or anxiety
when I entered the house, I felt nothing but
serenity
. The evening
sunlight was streaming in through the windows and birds could be heard chirping
from outside. I looked around with a slight grin and sighed. The photograph of
my mother and my father’s certificate for Chief of Police caught my attention
first. There wasn’t much from the house that I wanted to keep, only the
important belongings. I grabbed the two off the shelf and placed them in the
box. I decided to take a framed photo on the wall of Timmy, Chris, and myself
when we were in high school. I chuckled as I thought of how cool we thought we
were and smiled warmly to myself as memories of Chris came back to me. Oh, how
I missed my dear friend.

           
Next, I headed up to my father’s room to see if there was anything worth
taking. His room was organized as ever, of course. The bed was made, the drapes
were open to let in the sunlight, there wasn’t a single spot on the carpet, and
not a single item was out of place on the dresser. I sat on the edge of the bed
and picked up the picture on his nightstand. It was a photograph of him and my
mother when they were younger; she had a grand smile on her face with her arms
around his neck and he was looking at her with the look of admiration in his
eyes. The look in my father’s eyes reminded me so much of myself and the way I
watched Eva whenever we were together – in a state of pure awe. It dawned on me
in that moment that even though I was making progress, I still felt incomplete.
Without Eva in my life, I felt incomplete.

           
As my father was passing, he only asked that I do what made me happy and I knew
Eva did just that. I knew that in order for me to feel complete I
needed
Eva in my life, I wanted to share my life with her. I wanted Eva to be mine
forever because I knew the life that I’d lived before her and the weeks I’d
spent without her was like going through the day without the sun and going
through the night without the moon and the stars. She was everything to me and
the depression of the recent events had almost made me lose sight of that.
Eva
was my priority.
She
was who I had left to fight for.
She
was the
one I had to live for. There was no way I was going to let her go.

           
I opened the drawer on the nightstand to see if my dad kept anything important
inside. The first item that caught my eye was the Bible my father would always
take to church when the three of us went when I was a toddler. I took it out
and put it in the box with the other cherished belongings I was taking. Next, I
found a letter from my father to my mother. Upon reading it, I found that it
was in fact the letter my father had written to propose to my mother before he
went off to do work in the military. Digging deeper into the drawer, my hand
came across a small, white square box. I was curious to see what was inside. As
soon as my eyes landed on my mother’s glistening engagement ring, my heart
melted. My eyes bounced from the ring to the proposal letter and back to the
photograph of my joyous parents. I rubbed my chin as I came to terms with
myself on what needed to be done. I had a plan.