The Infernal Optimist (12 page)

Just as I made it through the double gate to the Visiting Yard, it pissed down. Everyone ran for the shelter, dragging bags and baskets and tables and chairs to the one place in the Yard with a roof. I ran too, me Nikes squelching in the mud.

It was hot and steamy under the shelter. The rain came slanting in at the sides. Within seconds, the shelter was packed. It smelled a sweat and wet clothes and stressation and food what be cooked in all different ways according to the different nationalities. Chairs scraped cross the concrete as everyone staked out territory. I was looking round for April when—
fuck me.
Pardon me French, but I swear me heart nearly jumped into me fucken mouth. There was Marlena and Mum—and they’d somehow landed at the same table as Ching.

Marlena plus Mum on a day when I wasn’t expectorating them already spelled Trouble, but them plus Ching was like Trouble to the Maximus, like Russell Crowe and them Roman
emperors and tigers all together in one small room. When I said I made it clear to Ching about me relationship with Marlena, what I meant was, I tried to tell her. It’s just that I fudged one tiny part a the story. I said Marlena was me ex. I was planning on telling Ching the truth, I swear, but you gotta find the right time for these things. Each time I was about to do it, something always came up. Like me boy. She’s a minx, old Ching. She gets me boy going, that’s for sure. And I’m hopeless after that. When it’s over, I swear to meself I’ll tell her before it happens again. Then it just happens.

I wanted to turn and run back into the compound but they all spotted me at the same time. I took a deep breath. I greeted Mum and Marlena first. ‘It’s the dynamic duo.’ I kissed them both on the cheek. ‘Hey, Ching,’ I go, trying to sound real casual. ‘This is me mum and Marlena. Me
girlfriend
.’ I said the last word real deep and meaningful.

‘Oh really? Zeki’s girlfriend? Wow. Wow. Nice to meet you.’ Ching’s big black eyes fucken twinkled with mischief, I swear. She pulled out a pack a smokes and offered them to Mum and Marlena. Mum thinks cigarettes are the work a the devil. She waved her hands around like she was trying to shake them clear off her arms. Ching turned to Marlena then. Marlena never smokes in front a Mum, so she shook her head too. Ching shrugged, popped a cigarette in her own mouth and, one eyebrow cocked in that cheeky way a hers, asked for a light. I wasn’t playing that game. I know what she does when you put your hand that close to her face.

‘You know I don’t smoke,’ I lied. She could light her own cigarette.

She did. Then she placed a hand on Marlena’s arm, all girly and friendly. ‘So, you are Zeki’s girlfriend. I hear
so
much about you.’ Oh shit.

If Ching said anything I’d be stuffed like a porn star with three dildos.

Mum took out some a her famous pasties. I went a spinach and cheese one and ate it standing up.

‘Why don’t you find a seat, Zeki?’ Marlena suggested, but no way was I leaving her and Mum alone with that fox. I stood me ground and scoped for a chair, but everyone was holding on to the ones they got, even the empty ones, like they was life rafts instead of chairs. Ching flapped her hand at me. ‘Go find chair, Zeki, I talk to your mum and Marlena.’

I gave her an imploring look what said ‘be good’, what wasn’t in her vocabulary.

I bolted back out into the rain and spotted a chair what fell over in a puddle over by the playground. It had a dodgy leg and was filthy with mud but I wasn’t wasting time looking for another. Back under the shelter I took some serviettes from Mum, wiped the chair dry and sat down. It wasn’t like I was wearing me best threads. Soon, but. World, watch out. The
Man
was gonna be back any day now. It suddenly occurred to me how stupid I been. That’s why they was there. It was over. Mum and Marlena had come to pick me up and take me home. Fucken
ace.
I wanted to punch the air.
Yes!

Just at this moment the rain cleared and the sun came out. Life was fucken beautiful, mate.

I was thinking how I was gonna be free and sleeping next to She Who Puts Me Right that very night. You know what it’s
like when you got someone you can just be yourself around? Like I can fart in front a her and everything. She even farts back. What a woman.

I had to do something about Ching.

Now that the sun was out, other people dragged their chairs back into the Yard. Ching, what was a science student at uni before she overstayed her visa and knows a lot a weird shit, said it was like gas molecules clustering in the cold and then spreading out in the heat. Our table had a good view a the visitors’ gate. This Chinese guy came in the gate and next thing you know Ching jumped up, ran over and gave him—wait for it—a big fucken tongue kiss, pardon me French. Me eyeballs was hanging out like boys in the hood. Well excuse me for living! When I looked back, I thought I was busted cuz Marlena and Mum was looking at each other.

‘Wha? Wha?’ I opened me palms. They couldn’t prove nuffin.

Marlena stared down at the table. Mum put on a very special expression a hers that made me think a when she had to tell Dede that the doctor found the cancer in his goolies.

I didn’t think I wanted to hear whatever it was they was gonna tell me. I took another pastie and ate it fast.

‘Zeki.’ Mum had her serious voice on. This was getting worser and worser. Someone died or was in the nick. I could feel it. I was spinning out. ‘Marlena? You want to tell him?’

‘Zeki.’ Marlena bit her lip. ‘Gubba called. The Tribunal ruled on your case. You lost. They can deport you.’ Tears
welled in her big eyes. One fat one plopped right out and landed on her cheek.

‘Oh, maaan, don’t start crying on me. You know I hate that. Anyway, what’re you talking about? They’re not gonna deport me. That’s stupid talk. Australia’s me home.’ That really turned on the taps. ‘You know I never even been over there except that time when they circumstanced me.’

‘Are you listening?’ Mum spoke to me in our language while handing Marlena a tissue.

‘Yeah. I heard it. Gubba says I lost.’ I thought about this for a moment. It didn’t feel real. I looked at their faces. Totally crustfallen, like that cake Marlena baked for me birthday what didn’t work cuz I slammed the door. All I could think was that I had to say something to make them feel better. ‘Fine. Doesn’t matter. Whatever. There’s always the appeal. She’ll be right.’

Marlena dropped her head on Mum’s shoulder and started wailing like a siren. How embarrassing was this?

Ching looked over Wing Wong’s shoulder. He had her pressed against one a the shelter’s columns like she was apricots and he was making paste. Her eyes went wide, and she made a face what said that she hoped the tears wasn’t on a count a her.

Women. I’m seriously considering coming back a poofter in me next life. Men have gotta be easier.

‘Zeki!’ Mum screwed up her mouth at me.

‘Yeah, yeah.’ I scraped me chair over to Marlena’s side, put me arms around her and pulled her towards me. She flopped onto me chest. ‘C’mon, babe,’ I cooed as I regained me
balance. ‘It’s not that bad.’ I patted her back. Clarence was hanging round the shelter like a bad smell. He had a smirk on his ugly dial. I shot him the finger over Marlena’s head. ‘Babe, we’ll talk to Gubba. We’ll appeal.’

She Who Was Inconsultable picked up her sorry head and looked at Mum in a way what told me there was more bad news coming.

‘Gubba wants ten thousand. He won’t touch the appeal until we’ve paid up—and put another five thousand up front. He said when you lose at the AAT you have to appeal to Federal Court, and that’s even more expensive.’

I almost did it. Said
muvvafucker!
in front a Mum. I spluttered for a moment, trying to get me tongue under control. ‘The deal was I’d pay him off once I was out and working again.’

‘Well, he wants it now. All of it.’

I thought about this a moment. ‘You know why sharks don’t attack lawyers?’ I asked.

They looked at me like someone changed the channels on a program they was watching.

‘Professional courtesy.’

Mum managed a laugh. Marlena’s lip quivered.

‘I’m sorry. I have to go to work, Zek. Your mum’s gonna drop me off.’

‘Yeah, go, fine.’

‘You’ll be right?’

‘Yeah, yeah, go, go.’ I herded them out before Marlena could turn on the waterworks again.

‘Bye.’ They waved just before disappearing through the vault door.

‘Bye.’ That’s when it hit me. I wasn’t getting out. I was fucked. Up the proverbial without a paddle. Done like a dog’s dinner. It was fucken bullshit. It was wrong. What were they gonna do, come for me at four in the morning like they came for Babak, or Jameel? I was practically born in this country. I was that angry I could feel the steam coming outta me ears, I swear. I couldn’t think. Me palms were sweaty and me mouth was dry. I went over to the Coke machine and chucked some coins into the slot. I hit the button and nuffin came out. I punched the button to get me money back. Zip. Zilch. It was the last straw, what is a met-oh-four for nuffin left to drink through. I swung me leg back and kicked that fucken Coke machine as hard as I fucken could—and you don’t gotta pardon me fucken French. I meant it.

It was like the opposite a that warning they stick on the side mirrors a cars. Objects in the mirror may be further away than they appear. Ten minutes earlier, I coulda touched that world where you go to work, walk down the street, have things to do, people to see. All that now seemed very far away, like it be China or something, except China didn’t seem that far away in here, with all them Chinese.

‘What’re youse looking at?’ A man couldn’t even break his own toe in peace round there, I swear. The Innonesians at the table by the Coke machine what saw me kick it looked away again. Hauling meself up off the ground, all I could think was that I wanted to get away from all these stooges as fast as I could. That turned out not to be very fast on a count a me toe, what was throbbing. Worse, I had nowhere to go.

Deport
me
? To the Old Country?

Couldn’t pitcher it at all. I didn’t know no one over there except me rellies. A few years back, they got this idea that I
should marry me first cousin what lives there. At the time, Marlena had dumped me on a count a me flandering, what is what she called it and what I not be proud of. Me dad musta told the rellies I was a free man. They sent over a photo a me cousin. She was fifteen years old, and in black from head to toe with only her eyes showing, like a fucken ninja—pardon me Japanese. Me dad thought it was a great idea. I’m like, whoa,
cousin
, hello—Dad, you want your grandkids to look like the British royal family? No way José. She Who Forgived Me in the End came back after three months, what is the longest we ever been apart since we was in Year Ten, except for the times when I was in the nick, and then we was only apart in a technological sense.

No—I wasn’t going to the Old Country, no way, no how. If Gubba wouldn’t do it, maybe one a them free lawyers what helped the asylums could help me. I reckoned I was a Prisoner a Conscious, cuz I wished I wasn’t. If I ever needed a smoke that was the time.

I was pacing the Yard without even realising it. ‘Zeki.’ I looked over. It was Hamid. He was sitting with Angel and Sue and this other chick, a Burmese girl what didn’t speak much English. ‘You okay?’

‘Yeah, bro. No worries. I just lost me case.’ As I said this I made one a them hip-hop moves where you throw your hands in front a your face to point with the second and last fingers at an imaginary place in the middle. It wasn’t the right move for what I be saying. Me brain and me fingers wasn’t real connected at that moment.

Hamid frowned, like he was trying to work out whether to
believe me hands or me words. ‘You lost?’

I nodded.

He frowned deeper. ‘What are you going to do?’

‘I’ll work something out.’ I sounded more confidential than I felt.

‘Enjoy us.’ This from the Burmese chick, what meaned ‘join us’.

‘Maybe later.’ I felt like a fucken blob on the landscape. ‘For now, I think I’ll just go inside and hang meself.’ Sue looked fully alarmed. I spose I shouldn’t a said that. Everyone knew about Reza. He had about a million visitors that day what was trying to cheer him up. ‘Nah. Don’t worry.’

At the gate I pawed me plastic ID down from the board. ‘What’s wrong, Togan?’ Anna asked.

‘What’s right?’ I answered.

‘Why are you limping?’

‘Don’t worry about it.’

‘Jeez. Just asking. No need to snap at me.’

Across the Yard, I saw April waiting to be let in through the visitors’ gate, but I looked away like I didn’t see her. I didn’t wanna talk to no one, not Anna, not even April what I like to talk to. While I waited for Anna to find the right key, I stared at the ground and shoved me hands in the pocket a me trackies. I could feel something in there, a square a plastic wrapped around…
Yes.
I thought, that’s me girl! She musta dropped it in when she hugged me goodbye.

If She Who Always Obeys the Rules could do that, I felt anything was possible. Me mood lifted. Something would work out. I was, after all, the Infernal Optimist.

The smoke made me feel heaps better. Looking in the mirror, I saw me eyes were as red as dogs’ balls. I put on me sunnies.

Back in the Yard, I thought, whoa, that’s powerful shit. All the kids in the Yard looked like they’d grown moustaches and beards. Abeer had one what was just like her dad Mohammed’s. In factuality, she looked exactly like him, but with pigtails on. That was freaking me out cuz I was thinking maybe he got shrunk and put into a frock. I seen something like that once in a horror film. Noor had a moustache just like Saddam. Tip was saluting Bashir, Abeer’s brother, what had a goatee, and calling him ‘sir’. Even that muvvafucker Clarence was joking around with the kids. This was hurting me head.

Then I saw the woman what was giving out the moustaches. She was a nice lady what brung her own kids into Detention every week to play with the ones what was Inside. She was also giving out scoops what you wave round to make
bubbles and the air was filled with bubbles what reflected the sun. I caught some in me mouth what made the kids laugh. Me mouth was full a soap by the time I found me way across the Yard to where April was sitting with Thomas and Azad. April’s hair and clothes were wet and steamy from the rain and she was a bit draggled but I like that look, like she just rolled outta bed and into a hot tub with Swedish babes in. ‘Hey, April.’ I glided over to give her a kiss on the cheek.

‘Look,’ she goes, pointing at the sky. ‘A rainbow! Isn’t that lovely?’ Still savourising the feel of her cheek on me lips, I nodded in the general direction a the rainbow, what was a big one.

‘Nothing’s lovely in here.’ Thomas the grump. I didn’t know that April had just told him her husband had looked at his paperwork. He’d asked how she knew it was genuine, and other questions what got her angry. They had a fight what ended up being about the nurse. He slammed the door when he walked out. She told Thomas all these details what she probably shouldn’t a done. She coulda probably got away with saying something like, ‘He’s thinking on it’.

‘Nothing behind the razor wire is lovely,’ he said again, like she hadn’t heard it the first time.

‘Except present ladylike company,’ I go. ‘You yourself are looking particulately lovely today, April.’ Her lips moved briefly in the direction of up.

‘You’ve got a way with words, Zek,’ she goes.

I couldn’t think of anything to say to that.

‘Didn’t you tell me that first day we met that you wanted to be a writer, that you wanted to write a book?’

‘Yeah, mate.’ I couldn’t remember saying that in factuality. But it seemed like a good idea. ‘I will, mate. When I get outta here I’m gonna be a writer.’

‘Then you can steal people’s words instead of their things,’ Azad said. ‘You get into less trouble that way.’

‘So true,’ April laughed, looking at Azad like he be the wittiest person in the whole world. She turned back to me. ‘Have you been writing in the journal I gave you?’

‘Every day,’ I lied. I was thinking that if I was a writer, then April, what knew heaps about books, could be me editor. We could get jiggy at one a them posh places what writers go to for working on books with them editors, what had a pool and swaying palm trees and them coloured cocktails with umbrellas in. I had to sit with me elbows on me knees to keep me boy from flagging his enthusiasm for the concept through me trackies.

When I tuned back in, Thomas was crapping on about how ugly Australia was compared to his country. I love Australia and it made me upset to hear him talking about it like that. He didn’t know it at all. He didn’t know how beautiful it be. He’d never been to the Gold Coast or the footie, or even a single Westfield mall. He’d never been outside the razor wire even once.

Thomas listed everything he hated about Australia. They were all things what he experienced in Detention, like bad food and no freedom and stupid officials and donkey doctors and racist guards. Every one a him complaints seemed like they was aimed at April. With each one, she dropped a little lower into her chair, like she was a nail being hammered into a piece a wood. When he finished, she whispered, ‘I’m sorry.’
She always be apologising for things what wasn’t her fault, what makes her like Azad when I comes to think on it. ‘I wish this weren’t all you knew of this country.’

‘Me too,’ said Thomas.

‘Do you hate Australia too?’ April asked Azad like she was scared he was gonna say yes.

Azad pulled his lighter out of his pocket but then put it back again cuz it was out of fluid. ‘I don’t know what Australia is,’ he said.

‘This is Australia,’ Thomas goes, stamping his feet in the mud, what splattered up onto me trackies. He smiled with one side of his mouth. ‘Sorry, Zek.’

‘S’all right, mate.’ I shrugged. I was fully mellow from the dope. ‘Gotta wash ’em sometime.’

‘Actually,’ Thomas goes like he was reconsiderating, ‘this is
not
Australia. I wanted to take a university course by correspondence while I waited for my decision. They wouldn’t let me, even though some visitors said they would pay the full fees for me. The government said you have to be in Australia to study and that from a legal standpoint, I am not here at all.’ He pointed to a Malaysian woman pushing a pram on the other side of the Yard. ‘See Lili?’ he asked. April nodded. ‘Her baby was born here in Detention. But the government says her baby wasn’t born in Australia. The detention centre doesn’t count. Malaysia won’t let the baby in because she’s stateless. Lili won’t go home without her baby and can’t get out of Detention because Australia won’t give her or the baby a visa either.’

‘But, surely, they’ll have to…’

‘They won’t,’ Thomas said. ‘They could be here for the rest of their lives.’

We went to New Zealand for a few minutes.

‘I…I did a meditation the other day and asked the universe to look after all of you?’ April said. ‘I want to help, I really do.’ Thomas folded his arms across his chest. April opened her mouth like she was gonna say something else, then closed it again. A tear dribbled down her cheek but since everyone else was looking at the ground, I was the only one what noticed.

‘I have this dream many nights,’ Azad said in a soft voice. ‘I’m standing outside a house where there is a party. I hear music and people laughing and talking. I smell food cooking. I walk towards the house and look in the window. There are visitors, and officers, and faces I know from television and movies, and fellow detainees too. You’re there, Zeki,’ he goes, looking up at me.

I felt proud when he said this, like I done something good for exchange.

‘I remember I am supposed to be inside the house too. They are expecting me. So I start to run but my feet stick to the ground, and then I feel someone holding me by the hands and I’m a little kid again and it’s my mother and father, and…’ Azad stared down at his feet like they was a book he be reading. He didn’t usually say that much about his personal. ‘Anyway, it doesn’t matter.’ When he looked up again, it was like his blinds was closed.

April reached out and put her hand on his arm.

‘I’m fine,’ he said, pulling his arm away.

She dropped her hand back into her lap. Then she touched her eyes with both hands.

In me head, it was me what was having me arm touched up. In me head—what was still full a nice mellow feelings on a count a the dope—we was back at that hotel what had the pool and cocktails. I was thinking how I could explain my being with April at the hotel to She Who Always Knows When I Be Telling a Porkie. I’d tell her the truth, what was that I was writing a book and April was me editor and all. Then it hit me. I wasn’t getting out. I wasn’t going to no posh hotel with April or nowhere else anytime soon. I slapped me hand against me forehead, forgetting I was wearing me chunky ring, and almost knocked meself out. ‘Ow!’

‘You okay?’ goes April. Her voice was squeaky and choked like she was trying not to laugh, but she didn’t succeed and then everyone laughed, even Thomas.

Farshid ran by with a soccer ball. All the kids, including visitors, was dividing up into teams according to whether they be moustaches or beards. Some a the older detainees joined in as well, like Bhajan. The visitors was trying to get Reza to play too, but he wasn’t in the mood. They asked if we wanted to play. Thomas didn’t play nuffin cuz a him gammy leg. April said she wasn’t no good at sports. But Azad was keen. When I jumped up to follow him, I stumbled on a count a me toe, what I forgot was broke, and smacked straight into Abeer what was running for the ball. We both fell down on the ground. When I looked over I saw her little face with its big moustache. I started to laugh and laugh and laugh even though me toe was hurting something fierce by now.

Abeer picked herself up, brushed the mud off her frock, straightened her moustache and, pulling her tiny foot back, kicked me as hard as she could. I was being assaulted by a small girl with a moustache. I started laughing again.

‘Go, Abeer!’ Thomas cheered.

April shook her head. ‘You know, if this weren’t a detention centre, Zeki, I’d swear you were stoned.’

I really lost it then. I rolled from side to side and hooted and gasped for breath and cried on a count a the pain, all at the same time. It took me a while to realise that there was a lotta noise what wasn’t just me or even the kids what be playing soccer. I looked around and through me tears a laughter I saw a whole lot a people outside the fence what wasn’t there before. They was waving signs and banners, and banging on drums and shouting, ‘Free the refugees! Free the refugees! Lock up the Minister and free the refugees!’