The Islanders

 

Who do I think is sexy? That's easy. I mean, Lucas, obviously. I almost slept with him, so I guess that tells you something.

Of course, the circumstances were pretty unusual. His dad was going to kick him out of the house and ship him off to Texas, which, in case geography isn't your best subject, is a long way from Maine. Anyway, we were at that point where you think,
Oh my God, am I actually going to do this?
Then Claire showed up and straightened everything out with Lucas's dad and well, the moment was past.

I'm grateful to Claire for her timing. Definitely. At least I think I am.

I'm pretty sure that Lucas isn't.

Still, I have to be honest and say yes, I think Lucas is sexy. Very sexy. Of course, so is Liam Hemsworth, and I'm not going to sleep with him anytime soon, either.

Hmm. That's a more complicated question than it sounds. There are lots of guys who are definitely very good-looking who I don't
find sexy. Liam Hemsworth comes to mind. Or Dylan O'Brien and Jesse Williams. I mean, pretty, yes. But sexy? On the other hand, there's someone like Zayn Malik. Not handsome, but kind of sexy.

Ideally, you want a guy who combines both. Lucas was both. He was my boyfriend a long time ago. Benjamin was both, too. He was my boyfriend until very recently. Jake? Hmm. Jake. He's different. Not as cute as Benjamin, not as obviously sexy as Lucas.

Still, I'm strangely attracted to him. Maybe because he's decided to blow me off. Maybe because he doesn't want anything to do with me. Maybe I just like a challenge. Maybe that's what I think is sexy.

You hear some people talk about chemistry. Like there's some automatic, out-of-control thing involving pheromones and hormones that just happens between two people. Blame it all on the 'mones. But I think that's too easy. That's all just an excuse for people who don't want to take responsibility for their own feelings.

Personally, I think what's sexy is a guy who shares your interests and who treats you with respect. He has to be smart and have a good sense of humor. And be ambitious.

All of which describes Christopher. Which is why it was sensible and reasonable for me to finally go out with him even though I didn't want to at first. See, I already knew he would treat me with respect and that he had a sense of humor and was smart and ambitious. What I had to find out was if he shared my same interests.

Sure enough, as we rode the ferry home from our first date, we discovered we had a shared interest in making out. We shared this interest to the point where other passengers were covering their kids' eyes. I'd have been embarrassed except that I knew I could just blame it all on the 'mones.

Sexy? I'll tell you who's sexy. Cam from Modern Family. Yeah, the pudgy guy. Oh, yes. I'd love to have a poster of him wearing nothing but briefs and a smile. Hey, hey, bay-beee.

Okay, I wasn't being serious about that. I don't think that guy is sexy. No. No, it's Paul Shaffer who gets me hot.

Still kidding.

You want the truth? The truth is, look, I don't think that way. I don't think of guys as being sexy.

Now, girls . . .

Sorry. Okay, I'll be totally honest. Totally honest I really, really like Benjamin. We went out on one date. As least I think it was a date. He thinks I was his chauffeur for the evening. I'm surprised he didn't try to give me a tip at the end of the night.

I guess this means he doesn't think of me as exactly sexy, either. Which is fine. I don't care about that stuff; not that I'm a prude or anything. Really. It's just that what I feel for Benjamin is more spiritual. I think more in terms of us being, I don't know, like together in a kind of, you know . . . I'm not explaining this well, am I? Never mind. Next question.