The Jane Austen Handbook (14 page)

• 
Forgive him
. If he has done something to anger you, give him the opportunity to show you that he has changed.

• 
Communicate
. If he is laboring under a misapprehension, explain exactly what happened. Once he understands the situation, no doubt he will come around.

• 
Be patient
. Give him a chance to get over his anger. When he sees you in the company of other women, he will understand your true superiority.

• 
Accept constructive criticism
. Try to do better, and let him know that you are trying. You might come out of it a better person, and he will be pleased and proud that you have made an effort.

• 
Approach him through an intermediary
. If he will not listen to you, his sister or a friend might be willing to help.

• 
Trust him
. If he is the man you think he is, his good principles will see him through and bring him back to you.

• 
Fall into a decline
. Make yourself ill with unrequited love. He will hear of it and ride his horse into a lather to fling himself at your feet and beg your forgiveness. Just don’t be so stupid as to actually die, especially if he has married someone else in the meantime.

• 
Wear nothing but his favorite color
. It may not become you, but no sacrifice is too great for the one you love.

The wedding was very much like other weddings, where the parties have no taste for finery or parade; and Mrs. Elton, from the particulars detailed by her husband, thought it all extremely shabby, and very inferior to her own.—“Very little white satin, very few lace veils; a most pitiful business! Selina would stare when she heard of it.”—But, in spite of these deficiencies, the wishes, the hopes, the confidence, the predictions of the small band of true friends who witnessed the ceremony, were fully answered in the perfect happiness of the union
. —
E
MMA

1. Ask permission. Your fiancé must apply to your papa for permission to marry you if you are younger than twenty-one. If your beloved is younger than twenty-one, he must obtain permission from his own parents. Even if you are of age and consent is technically unnecessary, respectful children obtain their parents’ blessing upon the union.

2. Set the date. To determine the best time for the wedding, consider your fiancé’s obligations, your financial situation, the time it will take to prepare your wedding clothes, any transportation issues, and family concerns such as the care of elderly relatives. To obtain a proper, legally recognized marriage, you must wait a minimum of four weeks for the publication
of the banns (see Step 3) unless you have purchased a special license to marry without them. Long engagements are not common, and if there is nothing to wait for, fix an early date. You may be married on any day of the week, even Sunday immediately after the morning church service.

3. Make it official. Arrange to have the banns “published” in your parish—during the Sunday service for three weeks before the wedding is to take place, the presiding clergyman will ask the congregation if they know of any impediments to your marriage. If you are really in a hurry, you could purchase a special license from Doctor’s Commons in London, the location of the ecclesiastical courts, which permits you to marry without declaring the banns (both parties must still be eligible to marry, though; no rushing into it if you’re underage, you’ll still need permission to proceed). Obtaining such a license can take a week or two, so unless there is some pressing reason, such as marrying outside your parish, it is unnecessary.

4. Give your fiancé a small engagement gift. A miniature portrait of you that he can wear next to his heart is an ideal token, as is a lock of your hair placed in a ring for him to wear. He will reciprocate the gesture, but do not expect to receive an expensive engagement ring. Such rings are not unknown, but they are not a common tradition.

5. Purchase your wedding clothes. Your father or guardian will give you money to purchase new clothes. If you live in the country, this is an excellent excuse for a prewedding trip to London or Bath, where you will have access to the best linen-drapers, milliners, and mantua-makers.

6. Keep an eye on the negotiations. With the assistance of their solicitors, your father and your future husband will
negotiate the marriage settlement. This settlement covers the financial aspects of your marriage, including the provisions for your children’s inheritances, your support as a widow, and even your yearly allowance. It is wise to keep an eye on the proceedings, though ultimately you will have little control over the outcome.

7. Choose your attendants. You must have two official witnesses to your wedding to sign the parish register and in turn create the official record of your marriage. Traditionally, such witnesses are not yet married, so a younger eligible sister or two is a good choice. Give the attendants plenty of notice so they can acquire a new gown for the occasion, though they need not dress alike.

8. Take leave of the neighborhood. If your fiancé’s estate is not in the same general area as your parents’, call upon old neighbors during the week before the wedding to formally say farewell. Make plans for visits and correspondence with those to whom you are particularly close.

1. Make up your bouquet. Pick wildflowers or something pretty from the garden, if it is summer; if not, hothouse flowers are acceptable. Wrap the stems in a pretty ribbon. Make up a little basket of flowers for your bridesmaid, too.

2. Get to church bright and early. By law, the ceremony must take place in your parish church before noon, unless you have purchased a special license (see Step 3, opposite). Your parents and attendant will drive to the church with you in the family carriage.

3. Join your fiancé at the altar. Your attendant will walk down
the aisle first. Then, either or both of your parents may escort you up the aisle, where your fiancé will be waiting with his attendant and the officiant. You will not have very many guests; probably just your immediate family and closest friends in the neighborhood.

4. Conduct yourself with refinement and maturity. As part of the ceremony, your new husband will say, “With my body I thee worship.” Stifle the urge to giggle; it is most unladylike!

5. Accept your fiance’s wedding ring. The ring is an integral part of the Anglican sacrament of marriage; the ceremony cannot be performed without one. A plain gold band is the usual style. The groom’s attendant will carry the ring and produce it when requested by the officiant. Men do not wear wedding rings.

6. Do not kiss the groom! Kissing in public, especially in a house of worship, would cause a scandal that never would be forgotten in the neighborhood. (However, what you do in a closed carriage on the way from the church to the wedding breakfast is your own affair—just don’t let the servants see.)

7. Sign the register. This is the official public record of your marriage. Sign your maiden name for the last time. Your new husband and two witnesses will sign as well.

8. Attend the wedding breakfast. After the ceremony, join your family and friends at your parents’ house for a celebratory meal of the usual breakfast foods: toast, rolls, eggs, cold meat, coffee, tea, and chocolate.

9. Eat your wedding cake. After breakfast, you and your guests
will share a fruitcake, often topped with marzipan icing and laced with brandy as a preservative. Send a slice of cake home with guests for those who were unable to attend the ceremony or breakfast. Each unmarried girl should take a slice and put it under her pillow so she will dream of the man she will marry.

10. Include the whole household in your celebration. Make sure that the servants have a bowl of (alcoholic) punch to make merry, and perhaps an especially nice supper and some wedding cake as well.

A REGENCY
HONEYMOON

The honeymoon, or wedding tour, could last anywhere from a fortnight to several months. Because the European continent was embroiled in the Napoleonic wars at the time, newlyweds generally limited travel to Scotland, Ireland, Wales, the Lake Country, the Peak District, and the seaside. It was also common to visit the estates of various relatives so the new family member could be properly introduced and feted. Couples were often accompanied on their journey by a single sister or friend to keep the bride company on shopping trips and other purely feminine pursuits.

I am going to Gretna Green, and if you cannot guess with who, I shall think you a simpleton, for there is but one man in the world I love, and he is an angel. I should never be happy without him, so think it no harm to be off. You need not send them word at Longbourn of my going, if you do not like it, for it will make the surprise the greater when I write to them and sign my name Lydia Wickham. What a good joke it will be! I can hardly write for laughing
.
—
LETTER FROM
L
YDIA
B
ENNET
(
NOT YET
W
ICKHAM
)
IN
P
RIDE AND
P
REJUDICE

1. Tell no one. Do not disclose your secret to your maid, your sisters, or even your most particular friends—they no doubt will carry a tale to your parents. Even if they keep your secret, having concealed it might get them in trouble after you reveal your new situation.

2. Arrange transportation. If he tries to make you elope on the stage or the mail coach, you might want to rethink the whole idea. After all, if he’s too cheap or broke to hire a chaise for your wedding transportation, he will not make much of a husband.

3. Write a note explaining everything. Once your parents understand that your darling truly loves you, they will accept the inevitable and prepare to receive their new son. Hide the note well enough that, by the time it is found, you will have a head start if they take a notion to try to prevent the wedding.

4. Pack light and travel fast. If your parents do follow you, it is best to move as quickly as possible and get it over with before they can interfere. You will not be gone long; you do not need a lot of luggage.

5. Do not annoy your fiancé during the trip. If you ask him stupid questions such as, “Darling, would you still love me if I did not have a fortune of fifty thousand pounds?” you may not like the answer that you receive.

6. Travel straight through to Gretna Green. This is the best place to go, as the town is accustomed to situations such as yours. Do not stay over anywhere on your way north; you do not want unkind gossip about how you were “living together” before your marriage.

7. Find the blacksmith’s shop. The blacksmith in Gretna Green will have performed many marriage ceremonies; for a fee, he will arrange for witnesses and anything else you might need.

8. Have a contingency plan. You can depend upon the professionals at Gretna Green; they will provide you with a bed if your parents arrive before the ceremony is complete. Get into the bed with your husband—if your father thinks you are already married and it is too late, he will go away, and you can finish the ceremony.

9. Take care of the paperwork. Get the marriage certificate and keep it so you’ll have proof that the marriage actually took place.

10. Go home in triumph. You have his ring on your finger, and nothing else matters! Be sure to show it off to your neighbors and anyone of your acquaintance that you meet along the way. If they gossip about the disgraceful nature of your marriage, they are just jealous cats.

MARRIAGE OVER THE ANVIL

In 1753, England established a
Marriage Act that laid out strict rules: Each party must be twenty-one years old or have the consent of their parents, the marriage banns must have been published over several weeks in each party’s parish or a special license obtained from Doctor’s Commons, and the wedding must take place in a church before noon with the event noted in the parish records. Marriages contracted in England under other circumstances were subject to annulment. The point of the Act was to throw difficulties in the way of fortune-hunters trying to sweep an heiress into an ill-considered marriage. Obtaining a special license was not difficult, but it was expensive, and many couples in a hurry simply ran away to Scotland.

Scotland’s marriage laws were much like England’s had been prior to the establishment of the Marriage Act, allowing boys of 14 and girls of 12 to marry without parental consent or church interference. The parties needed only to declare themselves husband and wife before witnesses. Because marriages legally contracted in Scotland were legally binding in England, Scottish villages close to the border established a cottage industry in providing the means for couples to quickly marry. The
best-known of these villages was Gretna Green, located just a mile from the Scottish border. Many weddings were held in the romantic confines of the blacksmith’s shop, as he was the tradesman of most importance in the town. The more romantic opined that the blacksmith’s art, melding different metals together into a new whole, is a metaphor for marriage. Such ceremonies were often referred to as “marriage over the anvil,” with professional witnesses hired for the occasion. The tradition continues, and the wedding industry is still thriving in Gretna Green in the twenty-first century.