The Journal: Ash Fall (30 page)

My mind adjusted quickly when I couldn’t see the red
numbers of the digital clock on my nightstand. The grid power is
out, so coffee will have to be made manually.

The air temp is still mild and not yet affected by
the cloud that is hovering around us.

* * *

I slipped on a t-shirt and flannel pants and
made my way to the kitchen.

I boiled some water and pulled out the French
press, thinking about John, wondering where he was now. Those
thoughts didn’t last long when Mark came into the kitchen on his
way to the bathroom. Burgundy and gray checked lounging pants hung
low on his narrow hips, emphasizing his muscular and bare chest; a
chest sprinkled with dark, curly hair that trailed down over a flat
abdomen, forming a V that disappeared below the waistband.

I couldn’t help but stare. He was a very good
looking man. When I realized he had stopped moving, my eyes flashed
up to his smiling face.

“Good morning, Allex,” Mark grinned, and
moved past me.

If the heat I felt was any indication over my
embarrassment, my face must be flushed bright crimson.

“Good morning,” I mumbled, and went back to
fixing coffee with shaky hands. The desire I had felt shocked
me.

* * *

“We need some ground rules, Mark,” I said as
we sat at the table, coffee in hand and muffins in the center of
the distance between us.

“Do we?” he asked, another grin forming on
his perfect lips. He took a bite of a blueberry muffin. “These are
very good, Allex.”

“Yes, we do, and the first rule is you can’t
walk around half naked. Please put a shirt on.”

He chuckled and went into the other room,
returning while pulling a gray t-shirt over his head.

“That better?”

“Yes, thank you.” I said, looking away from
his intense blue eyes. When had they gotten so dark? “I believe in
being honest, Mark, so I’m going to admit that I find you very
attractive,” I held up my hand as he tried to interrupt, “however,
you can’t expect me just to switch my affections from John to you
because he might not be coming back. He’s been gone less than three
days!”

“You’re absolutely right, Allex. It was
unfair of me to be so obvious,” Mark admitted. “I promise to
control myself. When you come to me, it will be because you want
to.”

We fell into an uneasy silence as I poured
more coffee.

“The muffins really are very good. John said
you’re an incredible cook,” Mark said, moving on to a safer
subject.

“Thank you. I tried to bake ahead knowing the
power would be out for a few days. The stove is gas, and can be
used with just a match, however, the oven needs electricity to stay
on,” I informed him, babbling. “During the cooler months it isn’t
an issue, since our... my... heat comes from that cook stove over
there.” I pointed to my wood burner, stumbling over my words.

Mark glanced over his shoulder. “Why don’t
you use it now?”

“It would make it too hot in here. However,
it might be a good time to try the summer kitchen out. That will be
my project for the day.” I smiled at his confusion. “You passed the
other cook stove when you came into the greenhouse,” I said,
relaxing some as I explained one of the functions of my homestead.
“Jason designed the greenhouse to have multiple functions. That
cook stove burns wood too, and will only heat up that room not the
house, plus the plants love the heat. If it gets too hot, it can be
vented. During the cold months, it will add the needed heat to
supplement the passive solar. I suppose I could run the generator
to use the gas oven, but I’m looking forward to trying the summer
kitchen out.”

“I wonder just how much passive solar will be
available from here out, Allex,” he thought out loud.

It didn’t slip by me that he’d taken to
calling me Allex instead of Allexa. I also noticed that I didn’t
really mind.

“It could become a problem. We’ll deal with
it when it comes along.” A thought rumbled through my mind. “I see
another problem approaching, Mark.”

“What’s that?”

“Explaining you to my family across the
road.”

“Already taken care of, Allex. Yes, I checked
on the puppy while I was there, and she’s doing very well, by the
way, but my main reason was to talk to your sons. Another
suggestion that John made.”

“You told them you were staying here? Before
I knew?” I stood, angry at the implication.

“Please, Allex, it wasn’t like that,” Mark
said. “John said you don’t keep anything from your sons, but some
of it coming from me might be easier. On you and on them. He wanted
me to tell them it was his idea, so they would accept it better.
Was he wrong?”

“I don’t know, Mark. I just feel like so much
control of my life has been taken away from me.” I sat back down.
“How did they take it?”

“Although he wasn’t against me being here,
Eric wasn’t sure it was a good idea. Jason is all for it. I guess
we just have to make the best of it and wait.”

I had decided to leave the t-shirt on and
just add a pair of jeans when I spotted the money pouch on my
dresser where I had tossed it the morning John left. Thinking it
would be better to put it back in my drawer, I moved it, only to
discover what it had been hiding for the last two days: another
envelope, a folded piece of paper, and the ring box.

I opened the box to find a beautiful diamond
and emerald ring set in yellow gold, but no wedding band. When John
proposed I never did see it. I closed the box and set it aside.

The folded sheet was a simple note:

Allexa,

I know I said I will be back in a week, but if I’m
not back in two weeks, I didn’t make it and I want you to move
on.

The doctor is a good man.

Don’t forget me,

John

I set the note aside, my heart heavy with the
grief I knew was coming, and picked up the other envelope. It was
thick and heavy, and inside it was filled with one hundred dollar
bills. John had left behind a great deal of his hazard bonus.

I swept all of it into the drawer and closed
it, then finished getting dressed.

* * *

Tufts made a rare appearance and followed me
out to the greenhouse. I thought about what Eric had done for
Chivas and wished I had done something like that for my cat. Maybe
I still could.

“I need to get some things from the barn.
I’ll be back in a few minutes,” I told Mark, as I pulled on the
thin white papery biohazard suit that would protect my skin. I
pulled the hood up and secured it, adding the tight fitting goggles
and surgical respirator, and then gloves.

“It still amazes me what you have on hand,
Allex. When you get back in, you’ll have to tell me why,” Mark
said.

The small ante-room was beginning to feel
like an airlock, and maybe that was what we should think of it
as.

* * *

In the barn, I found the old litter box that
had a crack in the bottom. Useless as a litter box now, I had been
using it for weeding or moving plants. I rummaged in the corner
where I kept all the gardening stuff, hoping to find a bag of
potting soil, and then remembered there were still two buckets full
of fresh soil in the greenhouse. I found the bag of grass seed I
used for the chickens’ yard and set it aside. I found a rake and
shovel and after pushing aside an inch of ash, I dug up a big chunk
of lawn. I took it all back with me.

“May I inquire what you’re planning on
doing?” Mark asked, looking at everything I had brought in.

“I had forgotten that Tufts might want some
fresh grass to chew on or just to sit in. Hopefully this will
satisfy him,” I replied. Before removing my protective gear, I
pumped some water into a bucket and rinsed the clinging gray ash
from the blades of grass.

With the grass in the center of the flat
plastic pan, fresh dirt piled around it sprinkled with seed and
then watered, I set it on the floor. If Tufts takes to it, great,
if not, it was something to do that kept my mind off the note
hidden in my dresser.

My white bio-suit hung next to Mark’s hooded
jacket. Masks and goggles in a small pail on the floor. Protection
needs to be always available, always ready. Something we would have
to work on more.

* * *

“I thought we were going to start up that
other stove?” Mark said.

“We will. I think we need to talk some first.
You need to know why I do what I do, why I have what I have, and
why I feel this way,” I answered. There are things that were so
clear to me, but others just didn’t understand. “Plus I have a few
questions about yesterday, though I’ve been hesitant to ask.”

“Ask away,” Mark said. I knew his smile
wouldn’t last long when I start asking questions.

“All those people who died yesterday, where
are they? What did you do with them?” And as I suspected, Mark’s
good mood vanished.

“The town handyman, Pete, and I moved them
into the nearest house,” he said, a shadow passing over his face.
“We couldn’t just leave them lying in the street for wild animals
to desecrate them. I wasn’t thinking at the time that the wild
animals are just as susceptible to the ravages of this ash as we
are. The thought made both of us want to move the bodies to safety
anyway.”

“So Pete wasn’t one of the victims, that’s
good. I like Pete, he’s a good man,” I paused. “Who else made it?
Who is left alive?”

He looked at me, sorrow filling his very
being.

“Pastor Carolyn was the only one to stay
inside, Allex, along with your friends, Bob and Kathy. The very
young, the very old, all of them went quickly if they weren’t
wearing protective gear. I still don’t understand why they did
this. Such a waste!”

“Who is still alive, Mark?”

“When I left Pete, Lenny took over helping
him. I didn’t see anyone else moving around.”

“My friends, Bob and Kathy, you actually saw
them?”

“Yes, they were helping Pastor Carolyn in the
Stone Soup Kitchen. Even inside they were wearing their masks,” he
reached for my hand. “They were smart enough to heed your warning.
I know I’m glad I did.”

So many gone. I closed my eyes and pictured
Pastor Carolyn the last time I saw her. She looked so peaceful, so
ready to accept whatever came. Well, her god sent her this and it
almost killed her.

“So now it’s your turn, Allex,” Mark said.
“How is it you seem to have whatever someone needs?”

I gave him a sad smile. “I’ve long felt there
would be a disaster that I needed to live through. The bio-suits,
and boxes of masks and gloves? I thought it would be for a flu
pandemic of some kind. I never, ever pictured what we have here.” I
swept my arm out, parting the curtains from the window beside the
polished table. The view was dismal: everything was coated in gray
and black ash. It clung to the leaves on the trees and bushes, the
green almost completely obscured. It covered the yellow pine picnic
table where we had sat not two days ago. It coated the black
asphalt road. And it was still coming down, drifting silently,
smothering the life out of anything living.

“I didn’t stop there, Mark, oh no, not me. I
worried about everything, not just a pandemic flu. I studied and
researched. I knew that so many things that could happen likely
wouldn’t. I still got ready in case, just in case, an invasion or
nuke or economic collapse did come at us! And all that research
told me that we would need the same things no matter what it was
that finally took us down: shelter, heat, food, water and
security.” I turned as I paced, facing this man my man had chosen
for me. My breathing was getting labored. I knew I had to continue,
I had to get my emerging dark thoughts out or I would burst.

“By the way, even after feeding so many this
past winter I still have close to five years of food out in the
sheds. At least another ton of wheat waiting to be ground into
flour so I can keep making bread for my family; another ton of rice
and other grains; freeze dried this and that; soaps and shampoo;
coffee? Eventually we’ll run out, but not for a long time! And
books… books that tell me how to do what I don’t know how to do
already.” I could feel the tears welling up, spilling over. “And
for what, Mark? For what? So I could watch my friends and family
die? This, this ash could kill us all! If not today or tomorrow,
then next year! Did I save us just so we could watch the world end
in a slow painful death?”

I was standing near the glass door. I reached
for the handle to open it, to let the ash in, to let death in, when
I felt Mark’s arms wrap around me from behind, pulling me away.

“No, Allex, no!” he said into my ear, holding
me against his hard chest.

I struggled, and then I let out a sob, and
turned in his arms. I laid my head against him and circled his trim
waist with my arms, trembling.

Mark held me secure until I stopped.

“What brought this on, Allex? Something I
said?”

I dragged myself from his warmth and
retrieved John’s note from my room. I laid the note on the table
and pushed it toward Mark. After he read it and set it down again,
he pulled me back into his embrace, holding me close and tight.

“It’s going to be a long two weeks,” he
whispered to no one.

CHAPTER 30

We stood there, holding each other, my head against
his chest, his chin resting on top of my head. After the failed
relationships I’ve had, all I’ve desired is for a man to hold me
like he wanted to, and to kiss me like he meant it. I had that with
John; would I find that with Mark?

“So my strong and independent Allex has a
vulnerable side?” Mark chuckled softly.

“Please don’t tell anyone. It’ll ruin my
image.” I smiled up and him and moved away, pulling up my shields
once again.