The Joy Luck Club (25 page)

My father opened the door and looked surprised to see me. “Where's Ma?” I asked, trying to keep my breath even. He gestured to the living room in back.

I found her sleeping soundly on the sofa. The back of her head was resting on a white embroidered doily. Her mouth was slack and all the lines in her face were gone. With her smooth face, she looked like a young girl, frail, guileless, and innocent. One arm hung limply down the side of the sofa. Her chest was still. All her strength was gone. She had no weapons, no demons surrounding her. She looked powerless. Defeated.

And then I was seized with a fear that she looked like this because she was dead. She had died when I was having terrible thoughts about her. I had wished her out of my life, and she had acquiesced, floating out of her body to escape my terrible hatred.

“Ma!” I said sharply. “Ma!” I whined, starting to cry.

And her eyes slowly opened. She blinked. Her hands moved with life. “
Shemma?
Meimei-ah? Is that you?”

I was speechless. She had not called me Meimei, my childhood name, in many years. She sat up and the lines in her face returned, only now they seemed less harsh, soft creases of worry. “Why are you here? Why are you crying? Something has happened!”

I didn't know what to do or say. In a matter of seconds, it seemed, I had gone from being angered by her strength, to being amazed by her innocence, and then frightened by her vulnerability. And now I felt numb, strangely weak, as if someone had unplugged me and the current running through me had stopped.

“Nothing's happened. Nothing's the matter. I don't know why I'm here,” I said in a hoarse voice. “I wanted to talk to you. . . . I wanted to tell you . . . Rich and I are getting married.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting to hear her protests, her laments, the dry voice delivering some sort of painful verdict.

“
Jrdaule
”—I already know this—she said, as if to ask why I was telling her this again.

“You know?”

“Of course. Even if you didn't tell me,” she said simply.

This was worse than I had imagined. She had known all along, when she criticized the mink jacket, when she belittled his freckles and complained about his drinking habits. She disapproved of him. “I know you hate him,” I said in a quavering voice. “I know you think he's not good enough, but I ...”

“Hate? Why do you think I hate your future husband?”

“You never want to talk about him. The other day, when I started to tell you about him and Shoshana at the Exploratorium, you . . . you changed the subject . . . you started talking about Dad's exploratory surgery and then . . .”

“What is more important, explore fun or explore sickness?”

I wasn't going to let her escape this time. “And then when you met him, you said he had spots on his face.”

She looked at me, puzzled. “Is this not true?”

“Yes, but, you said it just to be mean, to hurt me, to ...”

“Ai-ya, why do you think these bad things about me?” Her face looked old and full of sorrow. “So you think your mother is this bad. You think I have a secret meaning. But it is you who has this meaning. Ai-ya! She thinks I am this bad!” She sat straight and proud on the sofa, her mouth clamped tight, her hands clasped together, her eyes sparkling with angry tears.

Oh, her strength! her weakness!—both pulling me apart. My mind was flying one way, my heart another. I sat down on the sofa next to her, the two of us stricken by the other.

I felt as if I had lost a battle, but one that I didn't know I had been fighting. I was weary. “I'm going home,” I finally said. “I'm not feeling too good right now.”

“You have become ill?” she murmured, putting her hand on my forehead.

“No,” I said. I wanted to leave. “I ... I just don't know what's inside me right now.”

“Then I will tell you,” she said simply. And I stared at her. “Half of everything inside you,” she explained in Chinese, “is from your father's side. This is natural. They are the Jong clan, Cantonese people. Good, honest people. Although sometimes they are bad-tempered and stingy. You know this from your father, how he can be unless I remind him.”

And I was thinking to myself, Why is she telling me this? What does this have to do with anything? But my mother continued to speak, smiling broadly, sweeping her hand. “And half of everything inside you is from me, your mother's side, from the Sun clan in Taiyuan.” She wrote the characters out on the back of an envelope, forgetting that I cannot read Chinese.

“We are a smart people, very strong, tricky, and famous for winning wars. You know Sun Yat-sen, hah?”

I nodded.

“He is from the Sun clan. But his family moved to the south many centuries ago, so he is not exactly the same clan. My family has always live in Taiyuan, from before the days of even Sun Wei. Do you know Sun Wei?”

I shook my head. And although I still didn't know where this conversation was going, I felt soothed. It seemed like the first time we had had an almost normal conversation.

“He went to battle with Genghis Khan. And when the Mongol soldiers shot at Sun Wei's warriors—heh!—their arrows bounced off the shields like rain on stone. Sun Wei had made a kind of armor so strong Genghis Khan believed it was magic!”

“Genghis Khan must have invented some magic arrows, then,” I said. “After all, he conquered China.”

My mother acted as if she hadn't heard me right. “This is true, we always know how to win. So now you know what is inside you, almost all good stuff from Taiyuan.”

“I guess we've evolved to just winning in the toy and electronics market,” I said.

“How do you know this?” she asked eagerly.

“You see it on everything. Made in Taiwan.”

“Ai!” she cried loudly. “I'm not from Taiwan!”

And just like that, the fragile connection we were starting to build snapped.

“I was born in China, in
Taiyuan,
” she said. “Taiwan is not China.”

“Well, I only thought you said ‘Taiwan' because it sounds the same,” I argued, irritated that she was upset by such an unintentional mistake.

“Sound is completely different! Country is completely different!” she said in a huff. “People there only dream that it is China, because if you are Chinese you can never let go of China in your mind.”

We sank into silence, a stalemate. And then her eyes lighted up. “Now listen. You can also say the name of Taiyuan is Bing. Everyone from that city calls it that. Easier for you to say. Bing, it is a nickname.”

She wrote down the character, and I nodded as if this made everything perfectly clear. “The same as here,” she added in English. “You call Apple for New York. Frisco for San Francisco.”

“Nobody calls San Francisco that!” I said, laughing. “People who call it that don't know any better.”

“Now you understand my meaning,” said my mother triumphantly.

I smiled.

And really, I did understand finally. Not what she had just said. But what had been true all along.

I saw what I had been fighting for: It was for me, a scared child, who had run away a long time ago to what I had imagined was a safer place. And hiding in this place, behind my invisible barriers, I knew what lay on the other side: Her side attacks. Her secret weapons. Her uncanny ability to find my weakest spots. But in the brief instant that I had peered over the barriers I could finally see what was really there: an old woman, a wok for her armor, a knitting needle for her sword, getting a little crabby as she waited patiently for her daughter to invite her in.

Rich and I have decided to postpone our wedding. My mother says July is not a good time to go to China on our honeymoon. She knows this because she and my father have just returned from a trip to Beijing and Taiyuan.

“It is too hot in the summer. You will only grow more spots and then your whole face will become red!” she tells Rich. And Rich grins, gestures his thumb toward my mother, and says to me, “Can you believe what comes out of her mouth? Now I know where you get your sweet, tactful nature.”

“You must go in October. That is the best time. Not too hot, not too cold. I am thinking of going back then too,” she says authoritatively. And then she hastily adds: “Of course not with you!”

I laugh nervously, and Rich jokes: “That'd be great, Lindo. You could translate all the menus for us, make sure we're not eating snakes or dogs by mistake.” I almost kick him.

“No, this is not my meaning,” insists my mother. “Really, I am not asking.”

And I know what she really means. She would love to go to China with us. And I would hate it. Three weeks' worth of her complaining about dirty chopsticks and cold soup, three meals a day—well, it would be a disaster.

Yet part of me also thinks the whole idea makes perfect sense. The three of us, leaving our differences behind, stepping on the plane together, sitting side by side, lifting off, moving West to reach the East.

I used to believe everything my mother said, even when I didn't know what she meant. Once when I was little, she told me she knew it would rain because lost ghosts were circling near our windows, calling “Woo-woo” to be let in. She said doors would unlock themselves in the middle of the night unless we checked twice. She said a mirror could see only my face, but she could see me inside out even when I was not in the room.

And all these things seemed true to me. The power of her words was that strong.

She said that if I listened to her, later I would know what she knew: where true words came from, always from up high, above everything else. And if I didn't listen to her, she said my ear would bend too easily to other people, all saying words that had no lasting meaning, because they came from the bottom of their hearts, where their own desires lived, a place where I could not belong.

The words my mother spoke did come from up high. As I recall, I was always looking up at her face as I lay on my pillow. In those days my sisters and I all slept in the same double bed. Janice, my oldest sister, had an allergy that made one nostril sing like a bird at night, so we called her Whistling Nose. Ruth was Ugly Foot because she could spread her toes out in the shape of a witch's claw. I was Scaredy Eyes because I would squeeze shut my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the dark, which Janice and Ruth said was a dumb thing to do. During those early years, I was the last to fall asleep. I clung to the bed, refusing to leave this world for dreams.

“Your sisters have already gone to see Old Mr. Chou,” my mother would whisper in Chinese. According to my mother, Old Mr. Chou was the guardian of a door that opened into dreams. “Are you ready to go see Old Mr. Chou, too?” And every night I would shake my head.

“Old Mr. Chou takes me to bad places,” I cried.

Old Mr. Chou took my sisters to sleep. They never remembered anything from the night before. But Old Mr. Chou would swing the door wide open for me, and as I tried to walk in, he would slam it fast, hoping to squash me like a fly. That's why I would always dart back into wakefulness.

But eventually Old Mr. Chou would get tired and leave the door unwatched. The bed would grow heavy at the top and slowly tilt. And I would slide headfirst, in through Old Mr. Chou's door, and land in a house without doors or windows.

I remember one time I dreamt of falling through a hole in Old Mr. Chou's floor. I found myself in a nighttime garden and Old Mr. Chou was shouting, “Who's in my backyard?” I ran away. Soon I found myself stomping on plants with veins of blood, running through fields of snapdragons that changed colors like stoplights, until I came to a giant playground filled with row after row of square sandboxes. In each sandbox was a new doll. And my mother, who was not there but could see me inside out, told Old Mr. Chou she knew which doll I would pick. So I decided to pick one that was entirely different.

“Stop her! Stop her!” cried my mother. As I tried to run away, Old Mr. Chou chased me, shouting, “See what happens when you don't listen to your mother!” And I became paralyzed, too scared to move in any direction.

The next morning, I told my mother what happened, and she laughed and said, “Don't pay attention to Old Mr. Chou. He is only a dream. You only have to listen to me.”

And I cried, “But Old Mr. Chou listens to you too.”