The Keys to Jericho (34 page)

“Kat, tell me. What’s wrong?”

She answers me by forcing my mouth back onto hers, and I suddenly have the uncontrollable feeling that she’s not going to let me inside her this much ever again.

CHAPTER 18

KAT

After Jared flipped out on all of us, Dash found me hyperventilating and wishing a freak tidal wave would carry me away.

Hugging me, he said, “Jericho can be an asshole, but his reaction isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

Through my tears, I shook my head against him. “How could you say that, Dash? I saw the hate in his eyes!”

“Kat, that wasn’t hate. It was fear. He thought we were trying to make him the butt of a joke, and you were the one throwing the pie in his face. Jared can take a joke, as long as he isn’t made to look stupid. We didn’t intend for this to be a cruel joke to him, but he took it that way. I’m sorry he did.”

“He was so mean.”

“He was protecting himself. Jared has always been like that. Always on his guard. I’ve known him since we were eight, but most of the shit I know about him, I had to figure out on my own because he won’t talk about himself much.”

“Why does he have to protect himself from his friends?”

“Because you’re more than a friend to him.”

“He doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend.”

Dash looked at me, flabbergasted. “You actually asked him out?”

“I’ve been setting up little dates for us all week without him knowing it. When I told him, he was shocked. We kissed last night.”

“You what?”

“I asked him if we could be together. He said he doesn’t want a girlfriend.”

“Jared Beckett doesn’t even know what
he
wants.”

“Shit, Dash. He did offer to have sex with me.”

His mouth practically scooped sand. “You’re kidding?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

He shook his head. “Fuck, no.”

“I turned him down.”

Dash slowly nodded. “Oh. Okay. His extra crankiness totally makes sense now, and I’ve noticed he’s having a rough time when he’s around you.”

“With what? Me? Helping me drive?”

He shook his head with a smile. “No. His wheels are constantly turning when you’re together. He’s trying to work things out in his head about you.”

“Dash. I’m confused. About me for what?”

“Jared is definitely in love with you.”

“No, he’s not!”

“He might not realize it or he refuses to believe it, but he sure the hell is. I know it. Rio knows it. Jared’s dad has his suspicions. Even your mom asked me if you’re dating him.”

I sighed. “He’s not in love with me. God. All of this is torture. I’ve been in love with him since high school, but all he wants me for is a casual fuck while he’s home.”

“Maybe he’ll…”

I frowned. “No, he won’t change his mind. He doesn’t want to be with me long-distance or long-term.”

“I don’t get it. Philadelphia isn’t that far from Annapolis. A couple hours.”

“I know!”

“He comes home most weekends to hang out with me anyway.”

“Dash… That means he only wants me for sex, not as a girlfriend. He’d probably hit me up on the weekends if I put out.” I started crying again.

“Kat, no. I think he’s caving.”

As a sad joke, I said, “Maybe I should just sleep with him. He might like me more.”

Dash laughed. “I know this will sound bad, but maybe you should.”

My head popped up. “What the hell?”

“Hear me out. Women tend to want an emotional connection before having sex. Men tend to be the opposite. We want the sex to find the connection. So…”

“Holy shit, Dash. You don’t teach psychology.”

“Yeah, but one of my best friends—Diet Dr. Pussy, AKA Rio—
is
a psych major. We discussed this in length over hot wings, while waiting for Jared to get off work one night.”

“Does Rio think I should sleep with Jared, too?”

He laughed. “Rio would
not
advocate that you have sex with Jared for research purposes. Though, he’d probably agree that banging Jericho just might be the key to rock his world, so to speak. Me? I say do him. See if there’s more.”

I laughed through my tears. “You sound like a pimp.”

“As long as you don’t charge him, then I think I’m in the clear. Use it as a learning experience for both of you. I’ll also be happy to hear your critique on his technique. That’d be great entertainment.”

“Dash, I don’t want to have sex with him as an experiment. I want him to make love to me and mean it.”

“I know, Kat, but you might have to cut through the weeds to get to the meadow.”

“And what if it doesn’t work and he leaves me, brokenhearted and alone again? I’m falling more in love with him and it’s going to kill me when he leaves.”

“It’ll work out. Jared won’t know what to do without you.”

I hope Dash is right.

When I thought he had a girlfriend in high school, and when I saw him at my mom’s, I tried to avoid him, but there’s something about Jared that lures people in. Despite his efforts to keep people at arm’s length, using his apprehension and cynicism as a shield, he’s undeniably the most caring and passionate man I’ve ever met, offering to help me for weeks on end to get a driver’s license, and delivering pep talks when I doubt myself. When he thinks nobody is looking, he’s charming and sweet, and he makes me laugh, And when he thinks
I’m
not looking, he stealthily stares at me, giving me shivers that soon turn to a heat spreading over my body.

Now that we’re spending our days together, and I’ve gotten to know him even more than before, I’ve tumbled into a cavernous abyss from which there is no escape.

I’m in love with Jared Beckett. Desperately. Yet, it’s not the kind of desperation of needing more, and expecting it to happen. No. It’s the desperation of knowing I’m heading for an inevitable heartbreak, but am powerless to stop it. I can’t walk away. It’s like I’m on the track of a speeding train, bright lights shining, whistle blaring, brakes screeching, but I stand there waiting for the end to obliterate me.

I thought I was a strong woman, but when Jared pointed out that I’m letting my accident rule my life, cripple me, it opened my eyes to the actuality of how far off I am from being resilient. Notwithstanding the pain of losing my grandmother, I thought I was a survivor, even if I didn’t deserve to truly enjoy my life because of her death at my hands. Still, I had made it out alive. However, the truth is I’ve only been a victim, as Jared said, living in fear of getting behind a wheel, and allowing the fear to drive me instead of me driving a car.

Jared is here…and then he won’t be. I want to fight for him to give us a chance, but I’m afraid that with this chance I have to fight, we don’t even have a fighting chance. My love for him grows every time we’re together, but so does my anguish.

If I’m giving Jared my body so I can win his heart, I have to show him my love, rather than outwardly say it.

Jared’s eyes sparkle as he thrusts into me so passionately that the bed thumps against the wall, probably announcing to the neighborhood what we’re doing, not that our yelling didn’t already do that.

We’re finally having sex and it’s indescribable, but with each thrust he executes, I fight the tears, not because I don’t want to have sex with him, because I do. Fuck, I do. But, this isn’t the way I had imagined it happening.

Holding me close to him, his hazel-green eyes look right into mine, and even though his hips are proficiently thrashing against me, he’s gentle when he brushes my hair from my face, and his smile is brilliant in the shadowy room. “How’s my driving?”

I want to return his smile, but I don’t have it in me. On this bed with him, the only things I have inside me are my sadness and his dick. I want Jared to confess that he loves me. For him to call me his forever. I want Jared’s heart, since he’s had mine from the first smile he gave me, but I know that before he leaves, he’s going to return my heart damaged beyond repair.

My hand goes to his face, and the earlier sparkle in his eyes is now a burning fervor as he thrusts faster. I want to tell Jared I love him, but after he told me he doesn’t believe in love, won’t get married, have kids, or doesn’t want me as his girlfriend, I suppose I’m more than a little disillusioned. Still, I have found myself starting to make my confession, but then stopping before I do.

Countering his moves, I moan. “Fucking awesome. Jared, I… I want to tell—” This would be my second attempt while having sex with Jared that I’ve almost told him, but this time I’m interrupted by his orgasm, which I take as a signal to shut up.

Jared’s face contorts and he almost looks panicked, like he’s afraid to come. I hold onto his arms as his breaths become short and sharp. He sucks in air and holds it as he clutches my ass, so I can’t escape, which surprises me, since he’s an expert at keeping people away from him. Releasing his breath in a whoosh, he roars, “Shit! Oh, fuck!”

As our hips work together to achieve the end goal, I trail my fingers over his light beard and whisper, “Come inside me, Jared. I want to feel you dripping from me.” That sounds loving, right?

His eyes close and he shoutingly groans, “Jesus Christ!” He drives hard into me, and stops, hoarsely whispering, “Take it all, Kit Kat.” Gasping together, his warm, pulsating rush fills me, and it’s…comforting. I hold onto that warm feeling because soon, he’ll leave me cold.

The thought is too much. It’s the good and the bad all at once. We just made love for the first time—well, I did. It’s only sex for him. I just gave him my body to go with my heart he possesses. He has all of me, but I only have his cum.

He sighs, and leisurely, he restarts pushing and pulling his hips, sparking me as if he’s trying to start another fire between us. Looking wholly content, he asks, “What?”

I can’t tell Jared I’m in love with him, especially here. He’ll haul right out of me, closing off any further opportunities for me to find a way into his heart before it’s too late.

I try to shake the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness, but I can’t. Before it overcomes me, I put my hand on the back of his head, and coerce our lips to meet, which he eagerly accepts, and we kiss as my tears begin to flow. I can’t stop them, but I do succeed in keeping my sobs hidden within our kiss.

Suddenly, Jared’s lips disappear from mine and as I open my teary eyes, his are anxious.

“Kat, tell me. What’s wrong?”

I don’t answer him, because my answer will also change things, and not for the better on his end. I pull him back to me and we avidly kiss again.

Eventually, he slowly pulls out of me, and I miss him already. Even if he’s on top of me right now, the loneliness I’ve felt all these years and the longing for him suddenly seize me. With him being semi-hard, and before he has the chance to leave, I lift my hips against his and scrounge any friction I can. He doesn’t prod, but remains still as I get off on him this time.

I briskly skate over the tip of him hard, before he isn’t. Gripping his shoulders, I inhale and gasp, “Jared, give it to me.”

Putting his left hand on the mattress, Jared reaches down and holds himself firmly to me as I glide up and down. Even as I dig in harder and go faster, he still keeps steady until the ripples roll through me and over him. My fingernails claw into his shoulders as I cry out, “Fuck!”

When my orgasm falls and subsides, Jared moves his hand to the side of my face, and catching my breath, he kisses my neck with his own breath staggered. “Damn, Kit Kat. I’m almost ready to go again. You’re something else.”

I pant against his throat; my tears seem to be dried for now. Moving my arms to go around his neck, I kiss his lips, but he doesn’t kiss me in return. He leans his head back and asks, “Why were you crying? Is it because of what I said earlier?” He frowns and gives me a soft kiss on my lips. “I wish I could take it back. I’m sorry.”

Looking to the ceiling, I shrug. “I was caught up in the moment for us. We finally…”

Bending his head close to mine, his hair brushes my cheek as he nods, and whispers, “Finally.”

Amazed by what he did for me, I say, “Your dick wasn’t hard, and you still gave me an orgasm with it.”

He chuckles as he kisses my shoulder. “I guess you
do
know how to drive a stick.”

Not wanting to turn this into a meaningless event, like he already sees it, as he raises his head to look at me, I say, “I’d better go back to my room so Dash or Rio don’t see me coming out of yours.” I don’t want to leave his bed, but I need solitude if I suddenly start crying again.

He leans in, nipping at my ear, teasing, “You already did come in mine. Twice.” If the circumstances were different, I’d laugh with him.

Rolling to my side underneath him, he hovers over me. “Do you really want them to know what we did?”

He shifts, leaning on his left hand to look at my face. “No, I don’t want them to know, but they probably heard us. If so, I really don’t give a fuck what they think.”

“I’m sure you’ll talk about it with them.”

His face hardens, but he evenly states, “No, I won’t.”

“That’s honorable, but don’t you talk about your sexual exploits with your best friends?”