The Kiss (Addison #1) (5 page)

“I fucked up, Mom.”

Chapter Seven

“Addi! I made breakfast, come on down,” my mom yells from the bottom of the stairs. I’ve been lying here awake for the last three hours with no motivation to get my ass out of bed. I feel like when I’m up, I’m fucking up. If I just stay in bed forever, then there’s nothing I can screw up. But the smell of hazelnut coffee, bacon, and pancakes is worth risking a chance of messing something up.

“All right!” I holler.

I feel like a semi-truck is parked on my chest, a literal heaviness is in my heart. I heave myself out of bed, throw on an old hoodie and a pair of athletic shorts, then go downstairs and pour myself and my mom a cup of hot coffee.

“How do you take your coffee, Mom? Sorry, I forgot.”

“Just a splash of cream and about a teaspoon of sugar.”

“What’s the point of even putting anything in your coffee?” I tease.

I set our cups down and help her set the table. “Mom, it looks like you cooked for the whole town!”

“Oh jeez, Addison, I know you’ve been gone for quite a while, but your appetite surely hasn’t changed THAT much in six years. I just watched you pig out on a twelve inch sub sandwich at Sam’s last week. I know you can eat.” We both laugh and I help myself to four pancakes, six strips of bacon, and a nice sized helping of scrambled eggs.

“Okay, I guess I can eat,” I admit.

“When do you have to be to work?” my mom asks.

Luckily, I had a mouth full of bacon and pancake so I couldn’t answer her right away. I look down at my coffee, still steaming. I know it’s super fucking hot, but I’m tempted to take a huge drink in hopes that it will burn my throat and I won’t be able to talk about working at the bar, nor Stephen, nor anything else that I don’t want to talk about that was bound to come up in conversation with my mom eventually. I mean did walk in and tell her I fucked up. Yeah, I’m taking a damn drink. I lift my cup and could feel the heat before it even touched my lips.

“Be careful, that’s still really hot, Addi.”

I take a huge gulp. “OH MY GOD, THAT’S HOT! HOLY MOTHER OF PEARLS AND APPLESAUCE!” I scream, accidentally proving that I am, in fact, capable of speaking. Damn it.

“I told you that was still hot!” My mom laughs hysterically. I glare at her jokingly. My mouth feels as though I’d just eaten a million sour candies, it burned and felt numb.

“It just smelled so delicious and I was thirsty.” I don’t even think I can eat anymore, there goes the scapegoat of not being able to talk because my mouth is full.

“Are you going to tell me how you ‘fucked up’?” my mom asks. “You never did say, you just cried and fell asleep on me. We can talk about it when I give you a ride to work.”

“I don’t have to work today,” I say. She looks at me like all moms do, ya know, when they know you’re lying and already have all of the answers to the questions they’re asking, but they still ask them anyway.

“Addison, you need a job. Don’t ruin this opportunity. At least work there until you can find employment elsewhere. What happened?”

Why do mothers always know EVERYTHING? It’s so frustrating. I couldn’t say
nothing
because she already knows I’m keeping something from her.

“Stephen is engaged, Mom.” I think with the pain of that, I can bear the pain of forcing crispy bacon down my throat to avoid saying anything more.

“Still? I thought he and Rebecca were having problems? I heard her ex-boyfriend came back on leave last week and was trying to win her back,” she says, confused. “I never really heard anything else about it, though. I always liked Stephen, he’s always been such a good boy. I really wish you two could have ended up together.” Her voice drifts as she looks at my face, she could tell I was holding back tears. “Oh God, I’m so sorry, Addison…I guess I didn’t realize. I thought you were just
friends
,” she says sympathetically. My mom comes over and puts her arms around me as I bawl my eyes out into her chest. I can’t get it out of my head that they were having problems just a week ago. I don’t see why Stephen never told me about that.

***

After the cry fest with my mom I go upstairs to take a bath. I light my sugar cookie candle and look out the bathroom window. I love the view from up here. I could see the whole acreage and the spot in the backyard where Stephen and I would lay out a blanket and talk about all of our big dreams and recite poetry back and forth to each other. I take my clothes off and get into the tub. All I can think about is Stephen and all of the little things he used to do that made me fall in love with him when I didn’t even know that’s what was happening.

I can remember the night we were laying in the barn, completely naked after making love and his fingertip gently spelled out my first name with his last while he was tickling my back. He didn’t think I noticed, but I did. There was another time that he had pointed out that the three beauty marks on my left shoulder blade made an acute triangle if you connected the dots, and the three freckles on his right leg made an obtuse. He never mentioned loving any of my perfections, but he always talked about how much he loved my flaws. Well, he didn’t really talk about it, I just knew. It was all of those damn little things that made me fall so in love with him and I never even realized it until this past week and it’s too damn late.

Chapter Eight

“Stephen? Will you come pick me up?” I hate this. Lesson learned, don’t drink and drive. I got it. “I’ll work for you,” I say desperately.

“I’m only saying yes because I need the help, and well, because you’re my best friend. I’ll be there in about twenty-minutes.” He hangs up.

Of course, there he goes throwing
best friends
around like it’s nothing. I almost wonder if he isn’t trying to convince himself that we’re only
best friends
and absolutely nothing more. As if we don’t have chemistry or something, or we haven’t seen each other naked. I really need to meet this Rebecca woman. I can’t even think of a Rebecca that we would have known from school, there was one I guess, but she moved away before high school. I just don’t see anyone willingly moving to Norton unless they were already from here. Maybe he met her in the city or when he was in college or something. I really can’t believe after all of these years of never having a girlfriend, the first one he gets he decides to put a ring on it!

I shouldn’t even care. I shouldn’t even let this bother me. We made a deal. Nothing that we ever did back then was going to affect our friendship, ever. So I need to just let it go and be happy for him. I need to focus on myself. I need to learn how to love myself again for who I am. Not the fake Barbie Addi, but the real Addi. Then hopefully my Mr. Right will come along and sweep me off my feet.

I hear Stephen’s truck roaring up the driveway—surprisingly it isn’t snowing today. I run outside. He greets me again and helps lift me up into his stupidly tall truck. Again, there are two Dixie to-go cups of coffee sitting in the cup holders and the aroma of hazelnut is making my mouth water, and burn at the thought of drinking it like the other day at breakfast with my mom. I might not even be able to drink this until it’s cold. Stephen gets into his truck and turns the stereo on immediately. Apparently we aren’t talking today, which I fully understand, though I am dying to know what the fuck is going on with him and his maybe-soon-to-be bride. I turn the stereo down. “So when is the wedding? I’m totally asking as a best friend. Not trying to be nosy and cause any drama, home slice.” Home slice? Really? I don’t know why I just called him that, just figured it might lighten the mood a bit, but by the look on his face it doesn’t.

“It was planned for New Year’s Day,” he says flatly.

“Was? So when is it now?” I tried not to seem happy about the past-tense.

“Probably still New Year’s Day. I’m not sure exactly.”

“How can you not be sure? It’s your wedding!” I exclaimed. I know I’m beginning to piss him off, but I just want him to crack. I want him to open up and tell me what’s going on.

“Brian, her ex-boyfriend, came back from the Air Force and has planted something into her brain, I’m unsure of what. But it’s something. I mean I guess I can’t really blame her. They were together for years, engaged and everything, then they split after she and I messed around in the bed of my truck a few times. I guess this is just my karma.” He moves to turn up the stereo and I stop him.

“When did you know about this? Does she not want to marry you now?” I ask, sounding a tad eager, but not purposely. He looks over and I can feel the daggers from his eyes stabbing me in the throat. I know he wants me to shut up about this, but I can’t. Not until I know if they’re getting married for sure or not.

“I’m not really sure, Addison. A lot has happened in Rebecca’s life and my life within the last few weeks. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I’m sure you’ll be one of the first to know,” he snaps. That’s my cue to shut the fuck up.

“I’m sorry.” I grab his hand and squeeze it three times, but he pulls away.

***

“Hey, Addison, I’m going to need you to set up the Christmas tree in the far right window and then the two small ones behind the DJ booth,” Stephen requests. “Oh and you have to play some good music.”

“Are you implying I don’t play good music?” I ask, pretending to be a little offended.

“I mean, I don’t want to offend you or anything but…” he says jokingly. “Just kidding, play whatever. You and I are like the same damn person, you know that.”

“Oh, we are?” I question. I hate these little flirting games. I never know if I should take him seriously. One minute we’re discussing things that make us…him, uncomfortable, and then the next we’re back to joking about everything and it’s like it was years ago in my backyard.

Stephen carries in the huge Christmas tree to put in the front window and then brings the boxes of the small ones to go behind the DJ booth, along with the box of ornaments.

I go up to the stage to knock out the easy ones first. While up by the DJ booth I decide to play some old music, “Swinging On a Star,” the Frank Sinatra version. My granddaddy always loved this song and sang it to me when I was growing up. We’d always dance in the living room with the fire lit. I look over at Stephen and it’s like it doesn’t even faze him. I thought for sure I’d get a ‘
what the fuck is this shit
’ reaction from him but I didn’t, instead he turns around and belts out, “
how would you like to swing on a star, carry moon beams home in a jar
…” Reason number 9,979,874 for why I am falling in love with my best friend, or reasons I had fallen for my best friend, who will never be anything more than my best friend. The song kept playing and Stephen comes over to me and grabs my hand, we walk down the stairs of the stage to the dance floor so we can dance.

He places his right hand on my lower back and grabs my right hand with his left, then we dance around the empty dance floor. The music stops, but we keep dancing.

“Addi?” he whispers. I look up and he runs his fingers through my hair. He pulls me into his body and our lips meet. The warmth of his breath, and the taste of his sweet coffee flavored tongue give me an immediate caffeine high. My hands are trembling as I reach up his shirt and glide my hands over his abs. The next thing I know he rips his shirt off over his head. His body glows in the Christmas lights and I’m stunned. I can’t catch my breath. He picks me up and my legs wrap around his hips. We continue exchanging heated kisses as we lie down on the stage. Stephen looks into my eyes and that alone is almost enough to make me climax. We sit up and he gently tries to lift my shirt up over my head, which isn’t exactly as smooth as it seems in the movies. My elbows get caught in the sleeves and I try to help him out, but I’m stuck in an awkward position. He must have gotten the picture because he backs off a little to let me take my own shirt off. He smiles at me again, not with his lips and teeth, but with his eyes. Then he starts kissing the nape of my neck down to my breasts. WHAT IS HAPPENING? THIS ISN’T OKAY. I can’t stop him though, I want this. I’ve wanted this since the first time I saw him at my welcome home party.

I gently push Stephen away far enough so I can sit up again to unbuckle his jeans and slide them off of his hips. He unclasps my bra and tossed it over to the side. He gently grasps each breast and then his grip tightens causing me to moan. He kisses my chest and travels down to my waistline. He unbuttons my jeans and pulls them down, along with my panties. He looks up at me and through unsteady breathing he asks, “For old time’s sake?”

Chapter Nine

Today I’m taking my mom shopping for some new clothes since she’s lost so much weight. I figure this will be the perfect time to ask her what’s going on. Not to mention the fact that I really didn’t know what to get her for Christmas.

“Addi are you ready to leave?” My mom opens my bedroom door.

“Yep.” I apply a coat of sparkly pink lip gloss. “Here Mom, put some of this on.”

“No way, I don’t like how sticky lip gloss is.” She sticks out her tongue as if she’s gagging.

I roll my eyes jokingly at her and grab my purse.

***

Finally, after a long forty-five minute drive we are at the mall! It is time to get some serious shopping on. I honestly don’t think my mom has shopped for any clothes for herself since I was in elementary school.

“Mom, when was the last time you’ve been clothes shopping?”

“Well, it’s been a few years at least.” She bit on her on lip.

As we’re walking into the mall, I turn to my mom and look her up and down. My mom is absolutely beautiful, but I’m just kind of worried about her. I’m afraid to ask why she’s lost the weight, but I want to know. It’s not like she looks like death or anything, but it’s definitely noticeable. I can’t believe it wasn’t the first thing I noticed when she picked me up from the airport, but I guess other things were on my mind.

“Hey Mom? Are you okay?”

“Am I okay? Yes, why?” She looks a little puzzled. I follow her into the nearest outlet store. I look around and see all of the twenty-five, fifty, and seventy percent off signs. I never noticed how cheap you could get expensive name-brand clothes for, it’s crazy!

“You’ve just lost a lot of weight. I tried bringing it up before and you changed the subject. I didn’t really want to push you into telling me, so I dropped it. But I need to know if you’re okay or what’s going on.” I look at her with concern in my eyes. She cracks a small smile and I notice her cheeks turning a little pink.

“Well, since you won’t drop it. Yes, I’m fine.” Oh, thank God. I glance up to the ceiling and sigh in relief.

“I’m wonderful, actually. I just…I met someone recently and I don’t know…I just wanted to feel better about myself. I started going on walks every morning and every night, and eventually my walks turned into runs. I’ve never felt better.” I haven’t seen my mom smile this big since the day I graduated from college.

“You’re seeing someone? Oh my gosh, Mom!” I squeal in excitement. “What in the hell are we doing here then? We need to head over to Victoria’s Secret, stat!” I hug her and start to pull her away from the clothing racks.

“Oh stop it, Addison!” She blushes.

***

We pull up in front of the house and there’s a huge package sitting on the porch wrapped in a gold bow. My mom struggles to get all of the pink shopping bags out of the back seat, and I run up to see if it’s for my mom from her new man. The tag on it says, “To: Addi From: Stephen.” I bend down to pick it up, thinking it’ll be heavy I put a little force into lifting it and I almost fall backward because it’s so light. I was not expecting that.

“Oh what’s that?” my mom asks eagerly.

“It’s from Stephen. Whatever it is, it’s too light to be in this huge box!”

We walk inside and my mom takes the Victoria’s Secret bags to her room. I walk upstairs and sit on my bed to open the package. After digging through mounds of tissue paper I finally find a small rectangle box, like what a necklace would come in. I open the little box and find a nice white-gold necklace with a heart-locket engraved with
B.F.F
. I laugh hysterically and shake my head. Inside the locket was a picture of him and I when we were in fourth grade. Chubby little me and scrawny little Stephen. It’s the silliest little gift, but it brought a couple tears to my eyes. This is the best gift I’ve ever been given. In a way it seems a little odd that he just left it on the porch for me to find, instead of giving it to me himself. I just wish I knew what was going on between him and Rebecca. This whole situation is tearing me apart. My phone starts to vibrate, I look down and see Shelly is calling.

“Hello?” I answer my phone.

“Hello, Addison! It’s Shelly. I have some extremely good news! We already have an opening and we’d love for you to fill the position.”

My heart starts racing almost as fast as it did the other night with Stephen. This whole trip back home has been an up and down emotional roller coaster for me.

“Oh, wow! What position is it?” I start twisting my hair nervously.

“It’s for the Marketing Director position! Brittany was offered employment in Arizona, so she’s moving in two weeks.” Finally that bitch is leaving! I don’t know what to do. I want the position, badly. I need the position. I’m in desperate need of another fresh start.

“I’d love to take the position Shelly, but I had to move back to Iowa with my mom.” I said somberly.

“Oh, no worries. Addison, the company will cover the cost of your airfare back here and you can stay in my guest house until you can find a place of your own.” This all sounds too good to be true.

“We just need you to leave on Monday, the 30th.” That’s one day before Stephen’s wedding, if it happens. After the other night I haven’t talked to him at all. If they do get married, I can’t miss that.

“Yeah, it all sounds amazing, I might have to wait until after the 1st to come down, though. If that’s the case I’ll just charge it to my card and buy my own flight. I just have a lot going on back home right now and I won’t be able to leave until then.”

“Just let me know, sweetie. It’s a great opportunity and we would love to have you back! I’ll try to figure something out with getting you a ticket for Thursday the 2nd. Just please keep in touch!” I inhale and exhale deeply. I don’t know what do. How am I going to tell my mom?

“Okay! Thank you so much Shelly, sounds great!” As I put my phone back in my pocket, it vibrated.

Stephen: Hey, Addi, we need to talk. I’ll pick you up in 20

Great. Fabulous. Wonderful. Lovely. I can’t imagine what we’re going to talk about. I rush to my closet to change my shirt to something a little more presentable.

Stephen picks me up wearing a dark grey t-shirt and a black leather jacket. He looks uneasy, but I don’t question it. We sit in silence during the drive, besides the occasional sound of his truck roaring as we pass by someone. He pulls into the parking lot of the old church on Tree Bridge Road. “What are we doing here, Stephen?” He gets out of the truck and slams the door. We hadn’t talked the whole drive over here.

“I have to show you something.” We walk into the old church, which is decorated from top to bottom in beautiful navy blue silk and white tulle. “
It’s
tomorrow, Addison. I need you to see this with me. I need to see if this is what I want, I need to figure out what I want. The wedding is TOMORROW. If I marry her tomorrow you can’t be here. You have to promise me that. You shouldn’t be here, Addison, you can’t be here.”

“But I need to be.” I honestly can’t believe my best friend wouldn’t want me there at his wedding. In all actuality, I’m sick to my stomach knowing that he’s actually going through with the wedding after everything that’s happened between us recently. But I should still be there for my best friend. I still love him, I am in love with him. All the more reason to be there, that way I know it’s real and I can move on.

“Why?” He’s getting irritated.

“Because I have to see with my own two eyes the love of my life make another woman his bride.” Stephen just stands there and looks at me as if a train was going to hit him and then he lowers his head, looks toward the altar, and then back into my eyes.

“You know I’ll always love you, Addison. What we have is—” I cut him off.

“Oh just shut up. Shut up. I know we’d never work out. We’re
just best friends
, right? I didn’t come here so you could make a fool out of me the day before your wedding. If I would have known that you were taking me here just so you could choose, I would have told you to go fuck yourself. I never wanted to ruin your wedding. I didn’t even know you were getting married until the last minute!”

“Addison, calm down! I never even said I was marrying her. I just don’t know what to do. I came here for me. I came here for my fucking reality check. I just thought maybe it would be beneficial for you, too.”

“You know what, Stephen? You did change. Just like you swore you never would. You turned into a raging douche bag like you never wanted to be. I don’t need you telling me what I already know. I don’t need you telling me that you’ll always love me, because you won’t, you don’t love me like I love you. You love me like a best friend. That’s all I have ever been to you. I thought that maybe it was the other way around for all of those years. That you were the one madly in love with me, but you were just too chicken shit to say it. But, guess what? It was me. So just let me come tomorrow. I just need to see you with her, okay? I need to see you happily married and I’ll let go, I’ll go.”

He looks into my eyes like all of those times before, grabs me by my shoulders firmly, hard enough to make me wince a little. “Why? Why, Addison? Why would you do this to me? Why would you move back here? You knew what would happen. You knew. Don’t act like you didn’t. I know you, Addison! For fuck’s sake, I know you inside and out. And the fact that we can go six years without even seeing each other, let alone speaking to one another, and the moment I lay eyes on you I just—”

“Don’t you dare. Just don’t. You are about to marry the woman of your dreams. Don’t you dare blame this on me if you don’t take her hand in marriage. That is your choice. I’m happy for you. Do I wish it could have been me standing in front of you in a billowing white dress? Yes, of course I do. Why? Because I’m fucking in love with you. I kept all of the memories we made with each other in the back of my head. Even though I was engaged for five fucking minutes at one point, I would have dropped it all for you. I may not have written you, called you, texted you, or Facebook messaged you, but you didn’t make an effort to contact me, either. I waited to hear from you, Stephen, I waited. Then when my whole life crumbled to pieces and I got back home, I couldn’t wait to see you.”

“Addison, let’s go! No one has to know. I don’t even know if Rebecca wants to get married. I’m sure she and Brian are going through the same shit we are right now. I brought you here because I needed to know. I needed to see all of this and you, to figure it out. I really don’t know if I want all of this with Rebecca. I thought I did, but I don’t know. Everything feels so different now ever since you’ve been back. Let’s just go. I can get us tickets to anywhere you want to go or we can drive! We can go wherever you want. I know you’ve always wanted to travel. Come on, Addi. Please?” he begs. If this isn’t a quick change of pace, I don’t know what is.

“Why the fuck didn’t you guys cancel the wedding then? Your family and friends will be here tomorrow. What were you guys thinking or were you guys even thinking at all?” I yell in frustration.

“People knew we were going through some things, but we didn’t want to put off the wedding. We had so much money invested in it and our families and friends were coming in from all over. We figured we would have it all together by now,” he says, trying to justify their screwed up choices.

“I’ll tell her after we leave. Maybe this is where our paths have come to connect. We both know everything happens for a reason, so let’s go. Just please don’t give me false hope like you did before.” His eyes were full of fear and confusion, but they were also full of honesty. I look down at his soft lips and back into his deep brown eyes. This is it. He is it. I am standing before the man who stitched together every single torn piece of my heart. The only man who has ever understood me and shares the same dream as me. Our paths have finally connected.

The church door swings open and a tall slender woman with a bronze colored pixie cut comes running in. She stops as soon as she sees us.

“Stephen! Oh thank God you’re here!” The woman wraps her arms around Stephen’s neck and begins to sob. I notice his light grip around her body tightens. “I don’t know what I was thinking, Stephen! I’m so so so sorry. I love you.” The woman sniffles.

“I love you too, Rebecca.” Stephen’s voice echoes in my ears. I walk out of the church doors and down the road. I’m so numb I can’t even feel the cold wind as it freezes the tears to my face. It’s New Year’s Eve and I couldn’t be more thankful for this year to fucking end.