The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (16 page)

And that’s when my mom looked at me like she was gonna be mad. And then she took a deep breath. And then she looked at me like she wasn’t gonna be mad. And then she said YES, HE DOES.

And I said WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW?

And she said WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

And I said WHO TOLD YOU THAT GOD PUT A BABY IN YOUR STOMICK? WAS IT A ANGEL? THAT’S HOW THE VIRGIN MARY FOUND OUT, YOU KNOW.

And she looked at Veronica and sort of smiled. And then she said WELL I WOULDN’T EXACTLY CALL IT A ANGEL. And Veronica burst out laughing. A lot. And then Veronica said BUT IT SURE WAS HEAVEN. And then they both started laughing. And I said I DON’T UNDERSTAND. And Veronica said YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO. And my mom said WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER. And so that means we’re NEVER supposed to talk about it ever again. 
But I wonder what she did see if it wasn’t a angel? And so does Robert. And so we hope you’ll tell us this time. Thank you.

Your pal,

JERRY CHARIOT

PS: When I get to be God you know what I’m gonna do first? I’m gonna get rid of Hell by using my Super-breath to blow out all the flames. And then I’ll take all the people in Hell and fly them to Purgatory because I don’t think ANYBODY’S that bad that they should stay in Hell. Except maybe Buster and Sister Mary Justin and Veronica next-door. And Olivia Mariotti and Jimmy Sinceri and Old Lady Holbrook. And maybe my mom. And so maybe we should have a special place for them. What do you think?

J.C. again

Dear SUPERMAN,

The other day I went to visit my sister the nunn who lives in Erie, Pencilvania, with all the other nunns who aren’t really nunns yet. They’re kinda like cub scouts who want to be boy scouts but they can’t yet. And that’s why I can only go there once every four months for two hours in the afternoon sometimes. And so can my mom and my dad and Buster and my baby brother who isn’t even borned yet. He gets in with my mom. And we have to sit in a big garden where all the familys of all the other almost-nunns have to sit with us. Except they sit by themselfs on their own benchs. And we have to talk REAL quiet because all the 
older nunns are inside praying and himing. It sounds just like a hospitel which is where you go when you want to see everybody who’s sick. Except nunns aren’t sick. They’re holy. And they make you stay in the garden and you can NEVER go inside unless you have to pee.

Which usually I do.

So we have to tip-toe so we don’t bother anybody. And when you get inside everything’s so quiet that you can hear your tip-toes squeeking on the floor. Which is all shiny because nunns must clean all the time except when they’re praying. Which is most of the time. And if you sneeze like I did once then it sounds REAL LOUD. I thought it was gonna knock over all the statues. That’s why I really hate peeing there, Superman. Because it’s so quiet that everybody who’s waiting outside can hear you. And there are LOTS of people waiting in line because there’s only one place for regular people to pee in the hole place. So I try to pee on the side of the toilet so it don’t hit the water because I don’t like to make noise when I pee when everybody’s listening. Especially nunns.

And also priests.

Priests are around all the time because somebody has to give the nunns Holy Communion when they want it. Which is everyday. Which is what my sister the Sister said. And she also said they go to confession every morning. And I said WHY?

And she said BECAUSE NUNNS HAVE SINS TOO.

And I said REALLY?

And she said OF COURSE, WE’RE HUMAN TOO.

And I said WHAT KINDS OF SINS DO NUNNS HAVE SINCE YOU’RE PRAYING ALL THE TIME?

And she said ONLY GOD KNOWS THAT.

And I said CAN’T YOU TELL ME JUST ONE?

And she said YOU CAN ONLY TELL GOD AND PRIESTS.

And I said BUT YOU CAN TELL ME.

And she said NO I CAN’T.

And I said BUT IF I WAS GOD THEN YOU COULD TELL ME, COULDN’T YOU?

And she said BUT YOU’RE NOT GOD.

And I said WELL I MIGHT BE THE BABY JESUS.

And BOY did she get mad, Superman! REALLY mad! But I can’t tell you about it right now because I’m supposed to do my homework before I take my bath. Which is just before I go to bed. So goodby for now. And goodnight.

LOVE,

JERRY CHARIOT

Good morning, SUPERMAN.

The reason I’m writing this letter is because everybody else is still asleep except me. Because I woke up REAL early because I couldn’t stop thinking about my sister the Sister who gets up at 5 o’clock to pray before she goes to the bathroom or it gets light out. And then she goes to the chapel and prays some more before she gets her Holy Communion. Which is after she went to confession. And then she goes to the cafeteria where she has to pray before she can eat. And then she eats. And then she prays some more to thank God she finished eating. And then she reads the Bible after she sings some hims and salms. Which was before she waxed the floors because it was her turn. And after that she meditates. And I said WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

And she said I THINK ABOUT GOD AND HOW I CAN LOVE HIM SOME MORE AND IF I’M HOLY ENOUGH TO SERVE HIM.

And I said YOU SEEM PRETTY HOLY TO ME.

And then she eats lunch after she thanks God she’s gonna eat lunch. And then it’s afternoon and so it starts allover again. And so what I wanted to know was where she finds the time to commit all those sins. But she wouldn’t tell me. Not even when I said I might be The Baby Jesus. Which is when the hole thing started. Which I’ll have to tell you about later because my mom’s coming up the steps to wake me up. Goodby.

JERRY again

  

Hello, Superman.

The reason I know all that stuff about how she prays and everything is because that’s what she always talks about when we sit in the’garden with all the flowers and statues and nunns and things. And she always asks the same questions like HOW’S ANT HELLEN? and HOW’S JERRY DOING IN SCHOOL? And that’s when I said I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. And she said she would have to go inside with me because I wasn’t allowed to go inside alone. Which I already knew. So I figured if I took a poop then it would be almost time to go back to Pulpburg and she couldn’t hear about school. But there was a hole bunch of other people standing in line and I wondered if they really had to poop like I didn’t. So I peed.

And on the way back she asked me if I liked Sister Mary Justin. And I said SORTA.

And she said Sister Mary Justin was one of the BEST nunns in the hole convent. And I said ARE YOU SURE?

And she said she hadn’t seen Sister Mary Justin in a long time but she couldn’t wait till Sister Mary Justin comes to Erie again so she could find out all about me.

And I said WHEN DO YOU THINK THAT WILL BE?

And she said SOON I HOPE.

And I said REAL SOON?

And she said MAYBE.

So I said CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING REAL IMPORTENT?

And she said OF COURSE again.

And I said PROMISE YOU WON’T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT IT? NOT EVEN SISTER MARY JUSTIN?

And she said IF YOU WANT.

And I said WELL, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SUPERMAN?

And she said YOU MEAN THE COMICBOOK?

And I said AND ALSO ON TV.

And she said OF COURSE I HAVE.

And I said DO YOU LIKE HIM?

And she said WELL I GUESS SO.

And I said DO YOU BELIEVE HE EXISTS LIKE GOD EXISTS?

And she said GOOD AFTERNOON, SISTER MONICA.

And Sister Monica said GOOD AFTERNOON, SISTER.

And they both smiled like all nunns smile. Which is just like all the statues in the garden smile. Except not many of the statues are smiling because they’re mostly praying. Which is when my mom came over and we started talking about how nunns have sins. Which I’ll have to tell you about later because Robert’s waiting for me. We have to go up Old Lady Holbrook’s and practice my flying because 
today’s Wednesday. Yesterday was Tuesday so I worked on my X-ray Vision. Except I’ll have to tell you about that later also. So long.

Your Friends,

JERRY and ROBERT

Dear Superman,

I think you’re God and Robert thinks you’re God but nobody else does. Especially my mom and my dad and my sister the Sister who is becoming a nunn almost. She doesn’t even think you’re Superman or anything. In fact she doesn’t believe in you at all. And she doesn’t believe in me either. She said that God is God and Jesus is God and that’s it. Except for the Holy Ghost. She said that you’re not God and I’m not Jesus and WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING THESE NOTIONS? And I said I FIGURED IT OUT ALL BY MYSELF AND ROBERT. And she just looked at me. And the way she looked at me was the same way that Sister Mary Justin in school looks at me. That’s how I knew she was gonna be a good nunn for sure.

Anyway, my mom got REAL mad. Almost as mad as my dad did. Buster didn’t do nothing because he was writing a postcard to Mary Louise that he bought at Howard Johnson’s. And I could tell my dad was gonna hit me but my sister the Sister wouldn’t let him. She said I was just a little mixed up. And my dad said WAIT TILL I GET HIM HOME, I’LL STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT! And that’s when we had to leave because all the nunns had to go pray again. And my sister told my dad how she would talk to me next time we went to Erie and she would straighten me out 
so my dad wouldn’t have to do it. But I could tell he was gonna do it anyway. And I was right. All the way back to Pulpburg he didn’t even talk once while he was driving. Not even to my mom.