The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (18 page)

Dear MAN OF STEEL,

Today in church we was practicing how to go to confession and Sister Mary Justin was pretending she was the priest. And she said we had to go on the other side of the booth and tell her ALL our sins just like we’re supposed to tell the REAL priest when we make our First Holy Confession. Which is why we was practicing. And she told Janie Jobb to write down anybody’s name who talks while she’s in the booth because Janie Jobb ALWAYS gets to do that. Because she don’t even care that everybody HATES her except Sister Mary Justin. And pretty soon it was my turn to go in the booth and kneel down on the other side of the curtain and make the Sign of the Cross and tell her all the bad stuff I been doing lately. So I decided to put a handkerchief over my mouth like I saw on TV one time and this way she wouldn’t know it was me and she might think it’s Jimmy Sinceri who’s a queer. And she said YOU’RE WHAT?

And I said MY BROTHER SAID I WAS A QUEER.

And she said DO YOU KNOW WHAT A QUEER IS?

And I said NOT EXACTLY.

And she said WELL YOU BETTER NEVER FIND OUT BECAUSE IT’S A SIN!

And I said WELL DO YOU THINK I’M A QUEER?

And she said SHUT UP, JEROME!

And I wondered how she knew it wasn’t Jimmy.

So I said I GOTTA FIND OUT WHAT A QUEER IS SO I CAN BE CAREFUL IN CASE I MIGHT BECOME ONE.

And she said RETURN TO YOUR PEW, JEROME!

And I said IF I BECOME A QUEER THEN IT’S YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU WON’T TELL ME WHAT IT IS AND NEITHER WILL ANYBODY ELSE!

And she didn’t say nothing and I could hear her breathing real heavy on the other side of the curtain and so I knew she was mad. That’s why I went back to my pew and thought about it for a LONG time. And I decided a sin can’t be a sin if you don’t know it’s a sin. And so a queer can’t be a queer if nobody knows he’s a queer. Especially if the queer don’t know he’s a queer. And I wonder how many queers are running around who don’t know it? I bet there must be LOTS of them. What do you think, Superman?

Love,

JERRY THE KID

PS: When I get SUPER maybe I could put KK on my indestructable outfit instead of S. And I could have a green outfit instead of a blue one like yours. This way everybody wouldn’t get us mixed up when they looked up in the sky and said LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! NO, IT’S THE KRYPTONITE KID! So what do you think?

Dear Superman,

You know what we did? We snuck in Bacchio’s and we 
told Mrs. Bacchio how she’s REAL nice and REAL pretty and we like her a HOLE LOT. And we told her how my mom said that we couldn’t ever go in there ever again. And we told her how it wasn’t our fault and we’ll write her letters if it’s OK and here’s a pansy which we picked in my mom’s garden. And she took the flower and she smiled real pretty and she cryed at the same time. And she grabbed our heads and she rubbed our hair and she put her arms around our shoulders and she cryed some more. Then she gave us two free comicbooks and she said Thank You and she was still crying. And we’re the ones who should’ve said Thank You but we didn’t because she said it first. So we said Your Welcome Mrs. Bacchio. Then we left while she was still crying. That’s exactly the way it happend.

YOUR PALS,

JERRY AND ROBERT

PS: Robert said the reason you haven’t come to talk to Mrs. Bacchio yet was because there might be some Kryptonite around Bacchio’s News Stand and that’s why we’re gonna check it out for you OK? Goodby.

Dear Mrs. Bacchio,

You’re the only person we ever wrote a letter to except for Superman and Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and Mr. Mxyzptlk! And the main reason we’re writing is because we forgot to tell you how we want you to check around your store for Kryptonite the next time you decide to clean it. And if you find any then maybe you should bury it. And also we wanted to say THANK YOU VERY MUCH for the 
comicbooks and also for everything’ else. Especially everything else.

Your Friends,

Jerry Chariot and Robert Sipanno 

PS: Say HI to Mr. Durrelli the next time you see him OK?

DEAR MAN FROM KRYPTON,

Well, so far we found sixteen pieces of green Kryptonite and two pieces of red Kryptonite and four pieces of gold Kryptonite and we hurried them all. And every time I find another piece of Kryptonite I always wash my hands REAL good after I bury it. That’s so I won’t get any of it on this letter or any other letter we write. I just thought you might want to know that just in case you’re afraid to open our letters sometimes.

Your Friends,

THE KRYPTONITE KID and ROBERT

DEAR SUPERMAN,

The other day me and Robert went over to Bacchio’s after school because we wanted to check for that Kryptonite. Only we couldn’t go inside because my mom said so. So we was checking the outside and you’ll never guess who came by? It was my dad. He was beeping the horn and yelling and so Robert went home. But I had to go over to the car because he’s my dad. And he said WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? And I said Robert lost something and I 
was helping him find it. And I really hated lieing but I really had to. You understand. So my dad made me get in the car and he said he was taking me home. Only he had to stop at the Italien Club first. And I said WHY? And he said BECAUSE IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. So when we got to the Italien Club he said I had to wait in the car because he would only be a couple of minutes. So I waited. And waited. And then I started reading my Catechism (which is really Robert’s Catechism) because I didn’t have any comicbooks with me. And I read QUESTION NO. 4 which is

4. WHAT MUST YOU DO TO BE HAPPY WITH GOD IN HEAVEN?

To be happy with God in Heaven I must know Him, love Him and serve Him in this world. Most of all, I must love Him. We give gifts to those we love. I must make my life a gift to God. I must love God more than I love myself. I must love God more than anybody else. I must love God above all things. It doesn’t matter that I can’t see Him or feel Him. Or touch him. Or fly with Him, or to Him. Still I must love Him, even if I must hate somebody else because they don’t. Because they do things with Mr. Durrelli. Still I must love Him more than myself. My self? HA-HA! Amen.

And I know that’s not what it says exactly because it would NEVER say anything like that. But I didn’t have anything else to do because my dad was SURE taking a long time, Superman. And I was tired of reading my Catechism and the car radio was broke. And that’s why I decided to write you a letter and let you know what happend the other day when Sister Mary Justin wanted to 
hear some more sins and I said I DON’T HAVE ANY.

And she said WHAT?

And I said I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT SINS ARE ANYMORE.

And she said WELL DON’T YOU EVER LIE?

And I said JUST SOMETIMES.

And she said WELL LIEING IS A SIN.

And I said WELL EVERYTIME I TELL THE TRUTH I GET HIT. BUT IF I LIE THEN I DON’T. SO I LIKE LIEING BETTER.

So Sister Mary Justin said WELL GOD DOESN’T, SO YOU BETTER TELL THE TRUTH FROM NOW ON.

So I said OK. But when I said that I lied. This way she’ll think I’m telling the truth. But if I told the truth all the time then she’d know how much I lie. And it’s better I tell her what she wants to hear than if I tell her the truth. Because then she’ll think I’m a good kid. I do what I’m told. I’m sitting in the car waiting. Just waiting. Which is why I’ve GOT to do something, Superman. Because it’s getting dark out and I know my mom will be wondering where I am. Because I was supposed to go dump the garbage a LONG time ago. And it’s bad enough my dad’s mad at me for being with Robert at Bacchio’s. I don’t want my mom mad at me for being with my dad at the Italien Club. So I got two choices, Superman: Go in or go home.

So I went in.

My dad was sitting on a stool at the bar. There was only a couple other people inside who were standing beside my dad. Who was sitting. And there was also another person way down at the other end sitting by himself. And singing to himself. But you couldn’t hear what he was singing very good because his head was in his arms. And his arms were 
on the edge of the bar. And the bar looked just like the ones you see in GUNSMOKE all the time on TV. Except nobody was wearing cowboy hats. In fact nobody was wearing any hats at all, except for the man who kept singing and burping. He was wearing a helmet like you wear when you want to build a building. And he also had a lunch bucket next to his elbow on the bar. And there was a bowling machine over in the corner which was making a LOT of noise because somebody was playing with it.