The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (21 page)

Your friends,

JERRY CHARIOT and ROBERT

Dear MAN of TOMORROW,

Well, today’s Friday and I just got it finished this morning and it’s called “TO SUPERMAN” and I hope you like it because it goes like this:

ROSES ARE RED 

YOUR OUTFIT IS BLUE 

I LIKE YOU BETTER 

THAN JESUS THE JEW. AMEN.

So don’t forget to let me know if you like it. Goodby.

YOUR FRIEND,

JERRY CHARIOT AGAIN

PS: And then I’ll let you know if Sister Mary Justin likes it OK? Goodby again.

Well, SUPERPAL,

You’ll NEVER guess what my brother Buster was doing to Mary Louise on the couch in the living room the other day after school which I already told you about? Well, he wasn’t petting her hair which is what I thought. He was petting her tits. That’s what Buster said. And I said 
what’s a TITS? And he said A TIT IS A WOMAN’S BREST. And I said BUT MARY LOUISE DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY BRESTS HARDLY. And he said DON’T YOU TALK ABOUT MARY LOUISE THAT WAY! And I said WELL SHE DON’T. And he said YOU BETTER SHUT UP! And I didn’t and so he hit me. Real hard. Right in the head. And I just can’t figure it out, Superman? Why would Buster want to pet Mary Louise’s brests? I mean tits. I think it would be nicer to pet her head and this way you could pretend it’s a dog. If you have a dog. Which I don’t yet. But I thought as soon as I get Super and fly to Metropolis then maybe I could get one. And I could call him NITE. And then when your dog and my dog played together, we could yell HERE, KRYPTO NITE! Isn’t that good?

Your Pal, 

JERRY

PS: I want you to know that was my idea and not Robert Sipanno’s.

Bad news, SUPERMAN.

Remember that poem I wrote which I called “TO SUPERMAN” which Sister Mary Justin hasn’t read yet? Well, she read it. And she hated it even more than I thought she would. And believe me, I thought she was REALLY gonna hate it. And I was right. She hated it so much that she didn’t even hit me. She just told me to get out of her sight. She said she NEVER wanted to look at me again. She said to get out, out of this classroom, out of this school, RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

And it was only 9 o’clock in the mourning.

So I waited outside behind the church all day until the bell rang or else my mom would’ve asked me why I was home so early. And when Robert came out we walked home together like we usually do and he said that Sister Mary Justin said that she was gonna call my mom and dad on the telephone. Tonight after supper. Which she’ll probly do FOR SURE because that’s the way she is, Superman. Which I’ll have to tell you about later because my mom just yelled up the steps it’s time to go eat supper. So I’ll have to let you know what happens after it happens. Which should be pretty soon. So goodby for now.

JERRY CHARIOT

DEAR SUPERMAN,

It ain’t easy being a kid like I and Robert am. I mean is. Especially when your dad and Sister Mary Justin are gonna talk on the telephone any minute now. Because we just finished supper and that’s why I’m waiting for the phone to ring. So I was thinking maybe you should let your Superdog Krypto know about how I’m gonna fly on the Sunday after next Sunday at 10:30 in the mourning. This way he could watch it on his X-ray Vision like you’re gonna do. Aren’t you? Because after it’s over I thought FOR SURE I’d fly to Metropolis to visit you for a while. Unless you’re already in Pulpburg visiting me. Which you probly won’t be since you never even write me letters. I know how busy you are. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t come anyway because I don’t like it very much here either. And neither does Robert Sipanno. So I hope you don’t mind 
if I give him a ride to Metropolis with me. He could always stay with Jimmy Olsen if there wasn’t room at your place. Besides, I don’t think anybody around here is gonna like me very much after I do it. Especially Sister Mary Justin. Because I thought about it a LONG time and I decided when I fly into church to get my First Holy Communion, that’s when I’m gonna spit on her. Right on her veil. And if I don’t do that, then I’m gonna pee on her head. I SWEAR I will! Because I really HATE her because I’m scared, Superman. I’m sitting in my room waiting. And praying. And wishing the phone wasn’t ringing right now. But it is! And my dad just answerd it. And I better sneak over and listen. So goodby.

JERRY

Hello, Superman.

That wasn’t Sister Mary Justin Thank God. It was Mr. Marinaro up the street who wanted my dad to go play poker with him at the Italien Club. But my mom said he couldn’t go unless he wanted to sleep on the couch again. Which he didn’t. Which is why he’s in a REAL bad mood already. Which isn’t gonna help when Sister Mary Justin calls pretty soon. Because every time my dad gets mad at my mom then he gets mad at me too because I’m HER kid. And then my mom gets mad at me because I’m HIS kid. And then Buster gets mad at me because they get mad at him because he’s THEIR kid. What they don’t understand is that I’m not ANYBODY’S kid, Superman. I’m

THE KRYPTONITE KID

DEAR SUPERMAN,

The reason I didn’t write you another letter last night was because I couldn’t. Because my dad wouldn’t let me. Because Sister Mary Justin said she was gonna show my poem to Father Ponti who is the Pastor of the parish where Holy Redeemer Everything is. And she’s gonna ask him to say that I can’t get my First Holy Communion until NEXT year because I don’t deserve it because I’m the WORST pupil she ever had in her life.

And my dad said WHAT POEM?

So she read it to him REAL loud because even I could hear it. And I was pretty far away from the phone. In fact I was on my way out the door because I didn’t want to stick around. But then I rememberd I didn’t have my shoes on because I left them in the kitchen with my dad and the telephone. Which is where I wished I didn’t take them off. So I snuck back and peeked around the corner and you know what he was doing, Superman?

He was squeezing the phone real hard and he was turning all red and so I thought maybe I could hide in the closet and wait till after he hung up and went to look for me. And then I could sneak in the kitchen and get my shoes and get away. The only trouble was that he didn’t hang up. He just dropped the phone while Sister Mary Justin was still talking. And then he started taking off his belt and he yelled JERRY! and I didn’t listen and he yelled JERRY! louder and I could tell he really wanted to get me. Which is why I wished I had a knife or something because I figured I was really gonna need it. And I was right. Only I didn’t have nothing, Superman. Not even shoes. And so he caught me and hit me again and again and again and again and again and again. And after the seventh time he told me how I have to come STRAIGHT home after school and I can’t watch television and I’m not getting ANY more allowence EVER again and I can’t play with Robert or anything and I’d be lucky if I was alive when he got through with me.

And then he got through with me.