The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (9 page)

YOU’RE GONNA GO TO HELL, SISTER MARY JUSTIN! And she’ll get real scared like I always do. And she’ll say,

PLEASE, MARY . . . PLEASE DON’T SEND ME THERE . . . SOB!

And I’ll fly the statue right over her head and I’ll drop it right beside her and I’ll make it crash into a hundred pieces and she’ll put her hands over her head and start crying. And I’ll say,

IT’S TOO LATE, SISTER MARY JUSTIN! HA-HA!

And the other day while we was in church I noticed that the statue wasn’t wearing any shoes and it was stepping on a snake with its bare feet. Sister Mary Justin said sometimes The Devil pretends to be a snake like the time he talked to Adam and Eve. I guess it’s his secret identity but I don’t think it’s a very good one.

So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna get a REAL snake, Superman. And when I drop the statue then I’m gonna drop the snake too. And she’ll think it came alive and The Devil’s gonna get her. Only I won’t make it a poisonous snake because I don’t want to kill her. I just want to scare her to death.

That’s why I better learn how to fly pretty soon so I can do it. So on Saturday I’m gonna climb to a higher branch of the apple tree and I’ll see how far I can go and I bet it’ll be REAL far, Superman. But right now I better say Goodby because Robert’s done with our homework and I gotta copy 
it. I mean borrow it. Next time I’ll do it and he’ll borrow it back. My mom said you shouldn’t borrow nothing unless you return it. I also have to write a letter to Jimmy Olsen for Robert so I better say goodnight. Goodnight.

Your VERYgood pals, 

JERRY and ROBERT

DEAR JIMMY OLSEN,

This is a picture of Robert Sipanno standing in front of The Pulpburg Press with his notebook and his freckles. He don’t really work for The Pulpburg Press. He just likes to stand there a lot because when he grows up he wants to be a cub reporter like certain people are. I know you can’t see his freckles very good because I had to stand way across the street so we could get The Pulpburg Press sign in it. But he really does have LOTS of freckles like certain people have. And every time I read Superman comicbooks I keep calling you Jimmy Sipanno and I call him Robert Olsen and that’s because you look so much alike. Except Robert’s a little littler. The only trouble is that Robert is a Italien and you’re not because one time Robert asked his grandma if Olsen was a Italien name and she said it sounded Polish. But except for that you’re almost twins. I thought I should let you know in case you ever wanted to ask Superman to fly you to Pulpburg to meet him. So goodby.

Robert’s Bestfriend, 

Mr. Jerry Chariot

  

PS: We always read all your storys in The Daily Planet and we think you write real good scoops.

DEAR SUPERMAN,

What you could do is you could give Mr. Mxyzptlk! a T-shirt with his name written on it frontwords like it’s supposed to be. And then when he looked in the mirror his name would be spelt backwords because that’s the way mirrors are. And then he would read it and he would disappear back to The Fifth Dimension with all the other imps. How do you like that one?

Your Friends,

JERRY and ROBERT

DEAR SUPERFRIEND,

You see, what happend was Robert raised his hand. And Sister Mary Justin said YES, ROBERT, YOU MAY BE EXCUSED. And Robert said BUT I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. And Sister Mary Justin said THEN WHY DID YOU RAISE YOUR HAND? And Robert said BECAUSE I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. And Sister Mary Justin said
YOU
WANT TO TELL
ME
SOMETHING? THIS SHOULD BE GOOD. And Robert said WELL, I THINK IT’S GOOD AND SO DOES JERRY, BUT WE DON’T KNOW IF YOU WILL. And Sister Mary Justin looked at me. And then she looked at Robert. And then she said NOW I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD. And Robert tryed to smile but he didn’t do it too good. And then he pulled out the 
World Book Encyclopedia VOL. 9 out of his desk. And all the kids started whispering. And Sister Mary Justin yelled SIT STILL! And everybody jumped except Albert Ambrozzi. And Robert dropped the book on the floor. And Jimmy Sinceri giggled. And Robert picked it up. And he brought it up to Sister Mary Justin’s desk. And he set it down. And he opened it up. And Sister Mary Justin said WHAT, MAY I ASK, IS THIS? And Robert said IT’S A MAP. And Sister Mary Justin said OF COURSE IT’S A MAP, I CAN SEE THAT. And Robert said OF ILLINOISE. And Sister Mary Justin said ILLINOISE? And Robert said YES, ILLINOISE. And Janie Jobb laughed. And Sister Mary Justin looked at it. And then then she looked at me. And then Robert said SEE THIS DOT? And he pointed to it. And Sister Mary Justin bent down. And Robert looked up. And then Robert said WELL, THAT’S METROPOLIS. And here comes Robert now and he don’t know I’m writing this letter and so I gotta hide it. Goodby.

JERRY

  

Hello, Superman,

That was close. Whew. Anyway, Sister Mary Justin’s face got all red just like The Devil’s. I swear. And her eyes got REAL big. And nobody in the room said anything. Not even Sister Mary Justin. She just looked at Robert and so did everybody else. And so Robert said THAT’S WHERE and he swollowed some spit THAT’S WHERE SUPERMAN LIVES. And Sister Mary Justin said SUPERMAN! And she said it so loud that even Albert jumped. And then she said SUPERMAN DOES NOT LIVE IN METROPOLIS BECAUSE SUPERMAN DOES NOT LIVE AT ALL! And 
Robert said BUT IT’S WRITE HERE ON THE MAP. And Sister Mary Justin said THAT IS NOT WHERE SUPERMAN LIVES! And Robert said BUT THE MAP SAYS . . . And Sister Mary Justin pounded her fist down on the map REAL hard and Robert jumped and even Jimmy Sinceri was afraid. And Sister Mary Justin said HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUPERMAN? And Robert said No. And Sister Mary Justin said HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO METROPOLIS? And Robert said Not yet. And Sister Mary Justin said THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY EXIST? And Robert said Because I just know. And Sister Mary Justin said THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! And Robert was gonna say something but he couldn’t because he was biting his nails and crying. And Sister Mary Justin grabbed his hand and said DON’T BITE YOUR NAILS! and she hit it. Hard. I could tell it hurt. And Robert looked at his red hand. And then he looked at Sister Mary Justin’s red face. And then he started to yell. REALLY yell. Yell and cry at the same time. I never saw him like that before. I don’t know what happend to him. But he yelled HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO HEAVEN, HUH? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HEAVEN? And Sister Mary Justin just looked at him. And he started to run for the door. And he was still crying. And Sister Mary Justin said COME BACK HERE YOUNG MAN! And Robert opened the door. And he turned around. And he looked Sister Mary Justin right in the eyes. And he said I BET YOU AIN’T NEVER EVEN SEEN GOD!

And he ran out.

And he ran all the way home.

And he told his mom how he never wanted to go to Holy Redeemer School again. And he was still crying. And you know what, Superman? His mom never even hit him. And neither did his dad. But they made him go back to Holy Redeemer School. But first they went in to talk to Sister 
Mary Justin. And Robert’s mom was REAL mad. That’s why she decided to have a drink before she went in and told Sister Mary Justin that if she EVER hits their son again then they’re gonna sue her and the hole convent. I mean holy convent. And so now Sister Mary Justin REALLLLLLY hates Robert only she can’t hit him. And so that’s even worse. And Robert’s mother’s name is Elizabeth. And she lets us call her Elizabeth and not Mrs. Sipanno. Except Robert. He calls her mom. And every Saturday night Elizabeth gets drunk. She used to get drunk on Friday night but then her father who was Robert’s grandfather happend to die on a Friday night and so now she gets drunk on Saturday night. And last Saturday night she got REAL drunk and she said THOSE GOD DAM NUNNS! THEY CAN’T HIT MY BOY! And she grabbed Robert and she kissed him. NOT MY BOY. And you know what I wish sometimes, Superman? I wish my mom would get drunk sometimes. But she don’t.

Goodby.

Just,

Jerry

PS: Robert don’t know I wrote you this letter because then he’d feel REAL bad and he wouldn’t talk to me ever again. But I figure if he don’t know I wrote it then he can’t feel bad. And since you never write back anyway, I don’t have to worry about it. So if you ever decide to write us a letter, please don’t mention it. Thanks, Man of Steel.