The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (8 page)

Dear SUPERMAN,

Me and Robert have been thinking about it and we decided that maybe you and God really should get to meet each other sometime. You see, Sister Mary Justin says God can see everything that’s going on in the world and so can you if you use your X-ray Vision. And Sister Mary Justin says God can be everywhere at once and so can you if you use your Super-speed. I mean, you can go all the way to Mars in only two seconds and that’s pretty god. I mean good. And Sister Mary Justin also says that nothing can kill God except the Jews and all that can kill you is Kryptonite. And that can’t be much worse than the Jews. And just think, some day you might invent a cure for Kryptonite but how can you invent a cure for the Jews?

Of course I never saw a real Jew because we don’t have any here in Pulpburg. We just have Catholics and Italiens and Pollacks and Protestents. And every time my dad 
comes in from work my mom says YOU’RE DIRTY AS A NIGGER! And so one time when we went to visit my Ant Emma on the train in Buffalo I pointed at the conductor and yelled LOOK, MOM! HE’S DIRTY AS A NIGGER LIKE DAD! And my mom got all red and she said NOW HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO CALL THEM NEGROS, JERRY? And I said YOU AIN’T NEVER TOLD ME! And my mom looked at me just like Sister Mary Justin looks at me. That’s when I learned you’re supposed to call them Negros when you talk in front of them but you can call them Niggers when my dad comes home from work. I think it would be a lot easier if you just called them one thing and then you wouldn’t have to worry about it all the time. But I don’t think anybody else around here thinks like I think you’re supposed to think like.

You see, Superpal, Pulpburg is a pretty small place and everybody knows who you are except they call you by your dad’s name instead of your own. And since my dad’s name is Anthony they all call me Little Tony. Or else they call me Little Buster which is even worse. Or else they don’t even pay any attention to me which is what usually happens. Except when I do something like spitting from the upstairs porch and trying to make it land in the mailman’s pouch when he looked up and I got it on his nose. And then my dad pad a LOT of attention to me.

Anyway, my mom says God talks to nunns and I hope you don’t do that also, Superman. Because you dress a lot better and you’re a lot handsomer and I think your red boots are a LOT nicer than sandels. So I hope you don’t ever decide to grow a beard.

The thing I don’t like about God is how he got murderd by the Jews which is who I was telling you about before the Negros. He couldn’t find a way to excape before they 
grabbed him and nailed him to a cross in the end. Which wasn’t really the end because he came alive again. Which is pretty good. But I think it would be a lot better if he just got away in the beginning like you got away from Krypton. Maybe what he needed is Super branes like you and me are gonna have except you already have them.

Which just gave me a good idea, Superman.

What you could do is fly faster than the speed of light and crash through the Time Barrier. And you could land in Jeruslum just when they’re gonna nail him to that cross. And you could fly down and all the guards would try to stab you with their speers and their speers would break on your chest and you’d just laugh and say HA-HA IT TICKELS! And then you’d grab Jesus and fly away with him to a safe hiding place like maybe the Duck Rock. And then it would say THE END. And then me and Robert could take the comicbook to school and show Sister Mary Justin. Boy would she be surprised!

LOVE,

Jerry and Robert

DEAR SUPER FRIEND,

After school me and Robert was in Bacchio’s News Stand waiting for Mr. Durrelli to bring the latest SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN and he was late. And we was really getting worried because maybe he had a accident or something and maybe his truck started on fire and maybe the latest SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN NO. whatever it was gonna be got all burned up or something. And that would be really awful because then we’d have to wait until 
they got more in and what if they NEVER got any more in? It was almost four thirdy and that’s why we was so worried because I had to be home by five to dump the garbage and so did Robert. We always have to do things like that and the dishes which I REALLY hate. And if he didn’t come pretty soon then we’d have to wait until tomorrow and I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight because that’s what happened once before when it snowed a hole lot and Mr. Durrelli’s truck got stuck on Shawmut Avenue and he never got there in time. It was awful. But it wasn’t snowing today and it wasn’t even raining and that’s why we was so worried. And Mrs. Bacchio kept looking at us looking worried. And it was going on five o’clock and Mr. Durrelli still didn’t come and Mrs. Bacchio was still looking at us and she was smiling. And then she said MY, YOU BOYS MUST SURE LIKE COMICBOOKS.

And Robert said WE SURE DO.

And I said YOU SEE MRS. BACCHIO, WE DON’T REALLY LIKE COMICBOOKS. WE JUST LIKE SUPERMAN AND SUPERGIRL AND SUPERDOG AND JIMMY OLSEN. THAT’S ALL. EXCEPT WE ALSO LIKE SUPERHORSE AND PERRY WHITE AND MA AND PA KENT.

And Robert said WE SURE DO.

And I said YOU SEE, WE DON’T LIKE DONALD DUCK AND LITTLE LULU BECAUSE THEY’RE FOR KIDS AND NOT US. AND BESIDES THEY DON’T FLY OR NOTHING.

And Robert said THEY SURE DON’T.

And I said WE DON’T MIND BATMAN AND WONDER WOMAN AND GREEN LANTERN AND FLASH AND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. BUT YOU SEE, WE DON’T HAVE VERY MUCH MONEY AND SO WE LIKE SUPERMAN THE BEST. THAT’S BECAUSE HE IS THE BEST.

And that’s when Mrs. Bacchio laughed and said YOU 
KNOW, I KINDA LIKE SUPERMAN MYSELF. And the reason I’m putting in all these BIG letters is so you can tell who’s talking easier. You’re welcome.

And she’s the first big person we ever met who likes Superman, Superman. So I didn’t trust her. And neither did Robert. So I said OK, IF YOU LIKE SUPERMAN THEN YOU MUST KNOW WHAT CAN KILL HIM. SO WHAT IS IT?

And she said JUST ONE THING. KRYPTONITE.

And Robert said HEY, SHE DOES KNOW!

And I said WELL LOTS OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT. So I turned to Mrs. Bacchio and I looked at her for a long time right in her eyes. And I said OK, IF YOU’RE SO SMART THEN TELL ME WHAT SUPERMAN’S REAL NAME IS?

And she said YOU MEAN CLARK KENT?

And I said NO, I MEAN HIS REAL NAME ON KRYPTON THAT HIS REAL MOM AND DAD GAVE HIM BEFORE KRYPTON BLEW UP AND HE CAME TO EARTH IN A ROCKET TO BECOME SUPERBABY AND SOMEDAY SUPERMAN?

And she said THAT’S EASY.

And I said THEN WHAT IS IT?

And she said HIS REAL NAME WAS KAL-EL. AND HIS REAL FATHER’S NAME WAS JOR-EL. AND HIS REAL MOTHER’S NAME WAS LARA.

And Robert said GOSH!

But I didn’t say nothing because I still didn’t trust her. So I asked her a bunch of other questions like HOW DO YOU GET RID OF MR. MXYZPTLK!? And she said MR. WHO? And I said MR. MXYZPTLK! And she said OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS PRONOUNCED MXYZPTLK! And I said WELL ME AND ROBERT SAY MXYZPTLK! And so she told us.

She knew the answers to EVERYTHING, Superman. 
And she kept smiling at us. And she smiled real nice, just like all the saints on the Holy Cards smile when they look
up toward Heaven and a light shines on them. So me and Robert liked her a HOLE LOT. We really really did. We
liked her more than any other groan ups we ever met, even
the ones we have to like. Like my Ant Hellen who I don’t 
really like anyway.

And that’s why we hope you’re REALLLLLLLLLLY careful if anybody gives you a gold coin OK? Because now you have to make SURE to save Mrs. Bacchio from that truck that I told you about. I was gonna tell Mrs. Bacchio
about that dream, but then I figured I better not because 
she might get worried like me and Robert was worried 
about Mr. Durrelli. But then he came in at the last minute
 
Thank God with the comicbooks. So we buyed SUPER
MAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN and you know what she did? 
She gave us GIANT SUPERBOY NO. 17 free.

FREE!

So we said THANK YOU MRS. BACCHIO and she said YOU’RE WELCOME BOYS and we ran all the way home and dumped the garbage. And then I sneaked upstairs and started writing you this letter. And pretty soon we’re gonna eat supper. And then I’m going up to Robert’s house 
and we’re gonna do our homework after we read the comicbooks. After I write you another letter.

So goodby for now.

Your friends,

JERRY and ROBERT

PS: Does Mrs. Bacchio ever write you letters?

DEAR SUPERMAN,

If you want to know why this letter smells like liver that’s because I didn’t wash my hands after supper because I was in a hurry to read the story called THE PUNISHMENT OF SUPERBOY and so I hope you like liver. Especially since you got Super-smell. Boy Superman, I sure liked the way you talked back to Pa Kent when he wouldn’t let you chop the wood with Super-speed. I thought that was REAL dumb. If I was Super then I wouldn’t want to do anything regular either. So I was glad when you told Pa Kent, BUT I WON’T CHOP THAT WOOD LIKE AN ORDINARY BOY. IT’S A WASTE OF MY TIME!

And Pa Kent said, STILL DISOBEDIENT, EH? INTO THE WOODSHED, YOUNG MAN! YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!

And so he grabbed your ear and he took you in and he put you over his knee and he hit you just like my dad always hits me. Which is real hard. Except he forgot you’re invulnerable. And so he said,

THIS WILL HURT ME MORE THAN . . . OWWWW! and he broke his hand. And that’s why I can’t wait till I become indestructable, Superman. This way when my dad hits me like that then he’ll also break his hand too. And I’ll laugh and say, I’M INDESTRUCTABLE, DAD! HA-HA!

And so he’ll say, THEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO BED EARLY WITHOUT WATCHING I LOVE LUCY WHICH IS MY FAVORITEST PROGRAM EXCEPT FOR SUPERMAN. And I’ll say,

THAT’S OK DAD, BECAUSE I CAN SEE THE TELEVISION WITH MY X-RAY VISION ANYWAY. AND I CAN HEAR IT WITH MY SUPER-HEARING. SO GOODNIGHT, DAD. HA-HA!

And so my dad will say, YOU AIN’T GETTING NO 
MORE ALLOWENCE, YOUNG MAN! I’LL TEACH YOU!

And so I’ll go down in the celler and I’ll get a piece of coal and I’ll press it into a diamond with the Superstrength of my Super hand. And then I’ll fly it down to Nelson Jewlers and sell it for 20 DOLLERS! Which is a LOT more than my real allowence. And I’ll show him just like you showed Pa Kent! He couldn’t punish you because you was SUPERBOY and he was just a ordinary human person. And so he finally said,

I CAN’T HANDLE CLARK AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, MARTHA. YOU SPOILED HIM! And so Ma Kent said,

DON’T SHIFT THE BLAME ON ME, JONATHAN KENT! HE’S YOUR SON, TOO!

And so Pa Kent picked up his suitcase and left. And Ma Kent picked up her suitcase and left. And so you felt real bad and said,

NOW I’M . . . I’M ALL ALONE . . . CHOKE!

And then you looked at their pictures and you cryed a lot and you said, OH, IF ONLY THEY WOULD COME BACK, I WOULD NEVER BE A BAD BOY AGAIN . . . SOB!

And that’s when they came back.

And that’s how they punished you, by making you feel bad and cry. The only trouble is that I would never feel bad if my mom and dad left me. Especially if they took Buster with them. Because then I wouldn’t have to hide my comicbooks anymore. And I wouldn’t have to go dump the garbage. And I wouldn’t have to worry about Sister Mary Justin anymore because if she called my mom and dad they wouldn’t be there.

And so this is what I’m gonna do when I get Super, Superman.

I’m gonna hide behind the statue of The Virgin Mary in 
church and wait until Sister Mary Justin comes in to pray. And then I’m gonna pick it up and make it fly allover the place. And Sister Mary Justin won’t know it’s me and she’ll think it’s a miracle. And then I’ll call her a SINNER! only I’ll disguise my voice so it sounds like a Virgin. And then I’ll say,